Guitarisgood Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 I mean how much skeletons in the closet before you call it quits? I met this girl recently who by all means seems like a very smart, witty individual but comes from a broken family where she apparently raised her siblings before drifting around the country staying with different friends and families. As far as I can see there's no other sinister things to it. I come from a more stable family with significantly higher education and the likes so I was raised so differently. For some reason I am so drawn to her but now that I am older, I guess that veil that shrouds you when you become infatuated is more clearer and I know that there are some red flags that leave me cautious let alone careful. I guess this could go either way; a Cinderella story or a Blair witch project
Stercrazy Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 It depends on the level and depth of the baggage. All I can say is keep your eyes open as her actions will speak louder then words. People can't hide crazy for too long. Good luck. 3
JewelD Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 Doesn't sound like too much baggage if she's a functioning adult. Lots of people have family issues. When I think of baggage, I think, kids with crazy ex, drug addiction, mental illness, extreme debt, things that you would personally have to deal with in the relationship. In those cases, I won't accept any more baggage from my partner than what I'm bringing to the table. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 The perfect match...knight in shining armour (someone who ignores the red/yellow flags and whistles zippity doo dah, everything is gonna be alright...) and the damsel in distress(someone with significant amounts of 'baggage')... ....well, in relationships/dating, it's a perfect recipe for disaster. Did that once and was a MISTAKE. Kicked my butt. I did things that I NEVER did in the past and after that, will not do again. I can say that I am A LOT LESS tolerant of people's past when it comes to relationship considerations. A LOT LESS. A way too many people who don't have their crap together!
Gaeta Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 Depends what type of adults she is today. Did she grow from this or she is more of a gypsy? Try to 'judge' her for her present. 3
Mrin Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 Good question. I think the perception is that women have more baggage than men. I actually believe there is some truth to that for a variety of reasons and not all of them sexist. That being said, I also think that women are more baggage tolerant than men. It is like house shopping. Men shop for a house for as it is. Women shop for a house for as it could be. So as a guy i think it comes down to the question of can you accept her baggage today. Not whether you can in the future, but right now. Like does it bother you? If so, then perhaps she's not right for you. Sorry to be such a downer on men but we usually aren't the best at "getting comfortable" with something. We either are or we aren't.
carhill Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 I can't think of anyone I dated, or married, who didn't have significant baggage. The one I married was the one who appeared, and I stress the word appeared, to have her luggage mostly under control. At my age, pushing 60, baggage is so yesterday. As long as she's ambulatory and not psychotic, I can work with that. I've seen everything else, including psychotic. Pass on that. 2
Bialy Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 It depends on the type of baggage. I'm 34. My ex (48) had a lot of baggage. Two kids, for starters. He was a strong, Type A type to outsiders. When I peeled back the layers, I learned a lot about him - he was riddled with insecurities. A white collar professional with a blue collar upbringing. Estranged from his father. Strained relationship with his mom. Regrets over dropping out of law school. The list goes on. A lot of these insecurities manifested themselves in ugly ways - namely, embellishing his accomplishments and telling white lies to make himself look better. I felt bad for my ex. His insecurities made me want to protect him and care for him. I know I'll know him better than anyone out there. We shared a lot. BUT it was a VERY unhealthy relationship because of those insecurities. So many toxic things occurred in our relationship as a result of his insecurities. I DO NOT want that type of baggage ever again - I would rather NOT date someone with children from a previous relationship again. I would NEVER date anyone 10+ years older again. I don't entirely mind dating someone who is insecure and unsure of himself. What I cannot tolerate is a deceiver again. 2
bubbaganoosh Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 When there is lots of baggage the crazy comes out in eye dropper amounts then when you notice that you suddenly filled a lake one eye dropper at a time it's too late. Your knee deep in it speaking from experience. I mean we all have our hitches in our giddyup but not to the point where it sends the other half of the relationship over the edge. 1
Space Ritual Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 Sure I'd date someone with baggage. Christ most of us have some, be it a carry on or a steamer trunk. Does not mean that I'd want a commitment long term, but anything is possible. I have only 1 caveat, and that is if I learn someone has a history of infidelity they are not someone that would interest me. They could have a million things in common with me, be the most beautiful woman on the planet, but if they have cheated in the past I would not hesitate to say no thanks. Simply because I have had such a horrible history with dating and almost marrying a cheater in the past it is just something I want no part of. 1
Versacehottie Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 It depends on the level and depth of the baggage. All I can say is keep your eyes open as her actions will speak louder then words. People can't hide crazy for too long. Good luck. Great response. I don't know, it depends on how you view it. One could see the same situation and admire her grit and determination for what was left of her family to keep it together. She is probably resourceful and independent. She may be caring and comforting because of taking care of her siblings. IN SPITE of her sh*tty circumstances she's pulled it together and wound up meeting a guy like you. That's one way to view it. Another would be kinda like you described: that she comes from a broken, messed up home and oh god i hope history doesn't repeat itself. I think if I were in your shoes you should give her a chance. And check out the actions and what things are like. I think one thing that might be difficult is that if you have a really traditional and idealistic view of what you want your future with extended family and in-laws to be like. I mean, most of us want it to be great and all that. And not where people are estranged or effectively missing or the relationships are bad. It just matters how much that value matters to you. And how much you would be open to compromise in that area if she did turn out to be your person for life. I guess the truth is that lots of extended families who are by all outward appearances good can be messed up and uncomfortable even if they are intact. And sometimes people win the lotto with in-laws and extended families and families by proxy. I do think it's something to carefully consider. I think if you feel she's special than you need more information about HOW special in order to determine if her family situation or lack thereof would be a dealbreaker. You might find out that she is so special it may not matter to you and together you will find ways to deal with the rest. It's not an easy decision but from what you've said here so far, I don't know if you have enough info yet to decide. Good luck!
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 I can't think of anyone I dated, or married, who didn't have significant baggage. The one I married was the one who appeared, and I stress the word appeared, to have her luggage mostly under control. At my age, pushing 60, baggage is so yesterday. As long as she's ambulatory and not psychotic, I can work with that. I've seen everything else, including psychotic. Pass on that. Ha! Glad to see someone else say this, I was thinking along the same lines... after a certain age you almost accept that a potential suitor will come with a level of baggage. Paint me jade but I feel the same way. There are different degrees of baggage and there is only one way to find out if you are able to work/live with it, and that is through trial and error. Yes the fact that she comes from an unstable upbringing is alarming but people do and can learn from past trauma.
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 S I have only 1 caveat, and that is if I learn someone has a history of infidelity they are not someone that would interest me. They could have a million things in common with me, be the most beautiful woman on the planet, but if they have cheated in the past I would not hesitate to say no thanks. Definite deal breaker for me as well.
camillalev Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 Coming from an unstable family doesnt always mean that a person will be nothing but trouble. Having those problems in the past can make someone more empathetic, understanding, and caring. I agree with some of the other posters, watch her actions to see who she is as a person. 1
muskalleigh Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 I would agree with a few of the other posters regarding seeing her for who she is now. Can you go into those flags with more detail? Regarding education - are you concerned with income, appearance to others, how she sees the world, how the two of you can communicate? Regarding stable family - are you concerned with an ability to have a stable family in the future, stable relationship, healthy interpersonal skills, having her family involved a future family for the two of you or interacting with yours?
Buddhist Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 comes from a broken family where she apparently raised her siblings before drifting around the country staying with different friends and families. As far as I can see there's no other sinister things to it. This is what you call baggage? Merely not being raised by the perfect TV family. Baggage is unresolved emotional issues, there is nothing in your OP that says she has that. Good luck finding your partner who comes from the perfect nuclear family. Talk about nit picky.
Toodaloo Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 Seems to me that she is a functioning adult who has her baggage neatly dealt with and stored away apropriately. I see no issues with it. Its when the baggage is not dealt with and causes major issues day to day that its a problem... This girl sounds smart, sincere, hard working and diligent. My Grandfather raised his siblings. One of whom dealt with the crisis at bearings bank and whose memoirs are now under lock and key waiting publication... They all ended up very high functioning and successful because my grandfather gave up his dreams to raise them. My point is that his legacy is not just his own family but also the many second and third cousins I have who run businesses and teach etc all over the world. None of which would have been possible with out my grandfather working his backside off. I think you are being harsh on this girl.
PrettyEmily77 Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 Depends on your definition of 'baggage'. Any past stuff is fine; if it has consequences in the present the person can't deal with, that's an issue. How people handle their stuff and what choices they have made up until that point say more about the kind of person they are than the actual stuff, whatever it is. To me, any sign of jadedness, impatience, lack of empathy, a passive attitude to life in general, being too close minded or uptight, having over the top expectations because of what exes A or B did or didn't do are the type of 'baggage' I'd be looking for rather than someone who was dealt a bad hand and turn their lives around or made the best of a difficult situation with their values intact, for instance - as seems to be the case for the girl in the OP. 1
Author Guitarisgood Posted September 19, 2016 Author Posted September 19, 2016 Thanks for the replies all. Adding; we're young (early 20s). I haven't asked for her history as like you all say, I am seeing her for who she is now as opposed to prior. Funny thing is, she won't spill it on me - she says it is not my burden to bear but hers to work out and to be grateful for having a supportive family.
CarrieT Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 I'm sorry, but "significant baggage" is a murder rap, prison time, or something of that ilk. What you are describing is practically the majority of Middle America. 3
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 What even is baggage? I would have assumed every person has acquired some baggage. I would always suggest people try and unpack most of it before getting in a relationship though especially if it's baggage that is weighing them down ( what's with all the puns and analogies? lol ). Some people have had extraordinary experiences that have equated to "baggage" but have dealt with it in ways that are safe, healing and healthy. Others have required lack of baggage as baggage because they haven't had much experience i.e. haven't moved out of home ( and is now 30) have never had a relationship, doesn't have a car or hasn't been travelling around the world, etc... so they are looked like a red flag for their lack of experience, but you might argue that they have less baggage to contend with?? I think we and our perception determines baggage. My question is; are you LOOKING for red flags? Because you are trying to be cautious, sure? But instead of enjoying the moment, you may be self-sabotaging your prospects driven by your inner saboteur? There may be something driving for you to be extra cautious about a woman who has had these perhaps amazing life experiences, but you, see them as negative things. It's a fantastic attribute to be wise, but if by wisdom masks our fear of being hurt, then that's nobodies fault but your own. Just food for thought...
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 Depends on your definition of 'baggage'. Any past stuff is fine; if it has consequences in the present the person can't deal with, that's an issue. How people handle their stuff and what choices they have made up until that point say more about the kind of person they are than the actual stuff, whatever it is. To me, any sign of jadedness, impatience, lack of empathy, a passive attitude to life in general, being too close minded or uptight, having over the top expectations because of what exes A or B did or didn't do are the type of 'baggage' I'd be looking for rather than someone who was dealt a bad hand and turn their lives around or made the best of a difficult situation with their values intact, for instance - as seems to be the case for the girl in the OP. Urrrggggh could not agree with you more!!!! please write a blog!
Redhead14 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 (edited) I mean how much skeletons in the closet before you call it quits? I met this girl recently who by all means seems like a very smart, witty individual but comes from a broken family where she apparently raised her siblings before drifting around the country staying with different friends and families. As far as I can see there's no other sinister things to it. I come from a more stable family with significantly higher education and the likes so I was raised so differently. For some reason I am so drawn to her but now that I am older, I guess that veil that shrouds you when you become infatuated is more clearer and I know that there are some red flags that leave me cautious let alone careful. I guess this could go either way; a Cinderella story or a Blair witch project I am from a broken home, lived with several relatives in different parts of the country, suffered abuse . . . I graduated high school, am now finishing my PhD, have a flourishing career, and I raised two wonderful, grown children who are college educated and successful in their own right. So your point is???? If you like her enough, just continue to observe, ask questions, and listen. Is she a well-functioning independent, responsible, secure adult? What are her life goals and aspirations? What is she doing to achieve those goals? I should add that there are millions of people who come from stable homes who end up in jail, on drugs and homeless . . . Edited September 19, 2016 by Redhead14 2
smackie9 Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 I would say, criminal record/prison, alcoholic, drug addict, prostitution, poor work ethic/can't keep a job, mental illness, catching sexual transmitted diseases, religious fanatic, are my baggage deal breakers. 1
No_Go Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 OP c'mon, I expected to hear she committed a murder or something similar. I come from a very abusive household, let me not go into details but I can't think of anything from my childhoold that can pass as 'normal'. The only two 'negatives': 1) I got very ambitious to over-compensate 2) I was a bit behind socially (haven't dated till my late 20s)... I left the country as well - obtained degrees from 3 top universities around the world, after finishing my PhD got very successful in research and consulting, make more in a month than my family combined makes yearly. Relationship-wise - only issues I couldn't select initially decent partners. Yet this was issue for me, not for them (I got financially abused but allas, this was a learning experience). So if anything - her only 'problem' is that she's more prone to get associated with manipulating ass*oles because she doesn't know what's 'normal'. If any of you can have a problem with her 'baggage' it is her, not you.
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