Switching attachment styles in dating?

[ballycastle]

Hi all, I am largely an anxious preoccupied style which means I have for the most part been attracted to avoidant type. This dynamic tends to mean I am very insecure and clingy whilst attracting avoidant types who are at arms length, do not commit/or reassure and have left me broken for many years.

 

I have done a lot of work on finding the right partner for me and recognise the flags early on and discount these people through multiple internet dating.

 

The strangest thing is I have met someone who is secure, chased and courted me, is loving and attentive, but I find myself becoming 'avoidant' around him. It is almost a 'too good to be true scenario' of something I have craved my whole life. I have heard people can switch styles but can anyone relate to this?

 

Since being with this person I do the following: find fault in his ways to the point of nit picking/keep him at arms length/look for ways to exit the relationship. I even get really panicky around him like I am losing my freedom when he has expressed that he wants a relationship with me,plans a future. I even freak out when he buys me gifts and invites me out on dates! I told him today that I feel anxious believing he would run for the hills. He is not peturbed by my honest expressions of how I feel and this doesn't seem to phase him.

 

But I am confused. Please help! Will these panicked feelings go away in time when my attachment system calms down for the better when I see his behaviour is consistent? I find myself wanting to run away from him and seek what I am used to (avoidant men)

 

In the Amir/Levine Attached book it says that anxious preoccupied people should not discount secures who do not 'trigger' their usual system that they previously confused for passion/love, and acknowledge this 'normal' state of calm/no trigger being around those who are secure/consistent/loving. This person is all these things so why am I rejecting this person??

[Gaeta]

Your entire being is refusing this person, listen to your instinct. What you are doing is shutting ears to your inner alarm and using being anxious as an excuse. Being anxious does not make you someone who can't feel a bad vibe when you get one.

[Redhead14]

Hi all, I am largely an anxious preoccupied style which means I have for the most part been attracted to avoidant type. This dynamic tends to mean I am very insecure and clingy whilst attracting avoidant types who are at arms length, do not commit/or reassure and have left me broken for many years.

 

I have done a lot of work on finding the right partner for me and recognise the flags early on and discount these people through multiple internet dating.

 

The strangest thing is I have met someone who is secure, chased and courted me, is loving and attentive, but I find myself becoming 'avoidant' around him. It is almost a 'too good to be true scenario' of something I have craved my whole life. I have heard people can switch styles but can anyone relate to this?

 

Since being with this person I do the following: find fault in his ways to the point of nit picking/keep him at arms length/look for ways to exit the relationship. I even get really panicky around him like I am losing my freedom when he has expressed that he wants a relationship with me,plans a future. I even freak out when he buys me gifts and invites me out on dates! I told him today that I feel anxious believing he would run for the hills. He is not peturbed by my honest expressions of how I feel and this doesn't seem to phase him.

 

But I am confused. Please help! Will these panicked feelings go away in time when my attachment system calms down for the better when I see his behaviour is consistent? I find myself wanting to run away from him and seek what I am used to (avoidant men)

 

In the Amir/Levine Attached book it says that anxious preoccupied people should not discount secures who do not 'trigger' their usual system that they previously confused for passion/love, and acknowledge this 'normal' state of calm/no trigger being around those who are secure/consistent/loving. This person is all these things so why am I rejecting this person??

 

Since being with this person I do the following: find fault in his ways to the point of nit picking/keep him at arms length/look for ways to exit the relationship -- Sabotaging the potential for the relationship to develop.

 

If you hadn't said that your "natural" attraction is to "avoidant" types, I might have said that you are insecure and expecting to be dumped, therefore, attempting to pre-empt them. "I'll hurt you before you hurt me".

 

You may be confused because, IMEO, you aren't anxious/insecure because you are afraid that that person will leave, you are anxious because he might actually get close. You are attracted to "avoidants" because you don't really want intimacy.

 

Food for thought . . .

[katiegrl]

Hi all, I am largely an anxious preoccupied style which means I have for the most part been attracted to avoidant type. This dynamic tends to mean I am very insecure and clingy whilst attracting avoidant types who are at arms length, do not commit/or reassure and have left me broken for many years.

 

 

What you actually are is "anxious avoidant," or a passive runner" meaning you are also avoidant but doing it passively via choosing to get involved with avoidant men.

 

The men you choose to get involved with are "active avoidant" or "active runners" -- by run I mean you both run from commitment, you passively, him actively.

 

I mean if you were not avoidant yourself, why the HELL would you choose to remain with a man who avoids you and who runs away from you? That makes NO sense.

 

The reality is you are BOTH scared shytless of commitment and it's no surprise that you are drawn to each other like bees to honey.

 

The reason why this "secure" guy turns you off is because he is offering you a RL, a commitment, which again scares the shyt of you so you find fault with everything he does as a way to create DISTANCE, and to essentially run from the commitment he is offering you.

 

One of my brothers is same as you and yeah he switches back and forth too depending on who he gets involved with.

 

I have seen him have a panic attack with the "secure" type who actually wants commitment (for real), literally, same symptoms as a person with claustrophobia - he feels trapped, boxed in and needs to find an escape route ASAP.

 

Yes roles can switch back and forth as you are now realizing.

 

A person can be an "anxious/passive avoidant" in one RL and an "active avoidant" in another.

 

This time YOU are the active avoidant, the one finding fault, etc.... the one actively running away from commitment.

Edited September 16, 2016 by katiegrl

[camillalev]

What you actually are is "anxious avoidant," or a passive runner" meaning you are also avoidant but doing it passively via choosing to get involved with avoidant men.

 

The men you choose to get involved with are "active avoidant" or "active runners" -- by run I mean you both run from commitment, you passively, him actively.

 

I mean if you were not avoidant yourself, why the HELL would you choose to remain with a man who avoids you and who runs away from you? That makes NO sense.

 

The reality is you are BOTH scared shytless of commitment and it's no surprise that you are drawn to each other like bees to honey.

 

The reason why this "secure" guy turns you off is because he is offering you a RL, a commitment, which again scares the shyt of you so you find fault with everything he does as a way to create DISTANCE, and to essentially run from the commitment he is offering you.

 

One of my brothers is same as you and yeah he switches back and forth too depending on who he gets involved with.

 

I have seen him have a panic attack with the "secure" type who actually wants commitment (for real), literally, same symptoms as a person with claustrophobia - he feels trapped, boxed in and needs to find an escape route ASAP.

 

Yes roles can switch back and forth as you are now realizing.

 

A person can be an "anxious/passive avoidant" in one RL and an "active avoidant" in another.

 

This time YOU are the active avoidant, the one finding fault, etc.... the one actively running away from commitment.

 

This is me in a nutshell, as much as I hate to admit it.

 

I do the same as you OP, when I find someone there is real potential with I begin to look for their faults and flaws and focus on them. Try identifying what it is you are really afraid of. And focus on what it is you like about them and see if that helps.

[leogirl876]

This is interesting. My question is, is your mother the avoidant type? The reason I ask is because I'm kinda similar to you in what I'm attracted to, and I tend to be attracted to what my mother is. I know people say girls are attracted to what their fathers are, but not always. My mother is a narcissist. Read up on narcissist mother's and see if any of that rings a bell for you. It's helped me a lot!

[camillalev]

This is interesting. My question is, is your mother the avoidant type? The reason I ask is because I'm kinda similar to you in what I'm attracted to, and I tend to be attracted to what my mother is. I know people say girls are attracted to what their fathers are, but not always. My mother is a narcissist. Read up on narcissist mother's and see if any of that rings a bell for you. It's helped me a lot!

 

 

My mother is narcissistic as well.

[BlueIris]

Your entire being is refusing this person, listen to your instinct. What you are doing is shutting ears to your inner alarm and using being anxious as an excuse. Being anxious does not make you someone who can't feel a bad vibe when you get one.

 

I agree.

 

OP, is this the man from your Jul 25 post 6-7 weeks ago? Or someone you met after that?

 

If so, this seems too early for someone to be making future plans. I think there's a good chance that he is coming on too strong too fast and you're sensing love-bombing or something like that.

[ashy555]

... I find myself in similar situations and is something I am working on. Why can't we all be normal and have no attachment style

 

The first step is recognising it though

 

You know nitpicking at his SMALL flaws is silly and shallow. You just have to try and push passed it if you really like the guy. Hes secure yes? Not needy?? Just take things slow.

 

If you generally really like this person, just try and say it to yourself before you go to bed and when you wake up. Tell yourself you're being silly. Say you will never know if you don't give them a chance.

You could even see a therapist to see if they can help you and dig a little deeper.

[ballycastle]

I agree.

 

OP, is this the man from your Jul 25 post 6-7 weeks ago? Or someone you met after that?

 

If so, this seems too early for someone to be making future plans. I think there's a good chance that he is coming on too strong too fast and you're sensing love-bombing or something like that.

 

Thanks for all your responses! No this is someone new I have met from online dating, different from the string of failed relationships I have shared with this forum over the years!

 

He certainly is not love bombing, he is kind, patient and persistent. I tell him my anxieties, he listens and is very kind about those. He is mid 50's and very mature. The one before that was abusive, in his thirties and very immature. The ones before that came on strong and I ignored their red flags. There are none I can see in the time we hv dated. His mother died this year and has been dealing with that and his funding for his job ended so looking for work. The latter is the only thing to watch out for after previously being in the same job for over 25 years.

 

It is no surprise that through my pattern of attracting commitment phobes this has triggered the issues I raised.

 

My mum is an avoidant, critical, distant, unloving narcissist and my father the same and add alcoholic on top. I witnessed him attacking my mother. I went to a boarding school where bullying was rife. I never felt safe. Again it is no surprise I made the wrong attachments in my adult hood and clung where I could when noticed.

 

Yes I am scared of intimacy even though I yearn it. I like the fact this man plans things in the future with me, calls when he should, takes me to dinner, introduces me to his friends. He is not coming on too fast since I don't see him every day as he lives about an hour away. I hv a full life so this suits me for now. I'm a single parent to a teenage son.

 

It is early days, I will see how it goes. I tend to overthink things too. I remember this feeling many years ago and it went away and i had a 7 year relationship where I learnt I could be vulnerable. I think that's the crux, I am learning to be fully vulnerable and it is making me panic and that's no surprise based on my childhood.

 

Thanks for listening!

[VeveCakes]

I don't think the posters here have read the book you are referring to. I just have and I am the same style as you. I also am drawn to avoidants and just get a constant cycle of misery from it.

 

My therapist recommended multi dating so that you are too busy with many people to get that anxious, "chase" feeling. When a secure person appears in your life, they will take precedent because they are the one making the effort and the avoidants will require too much when you are dating or talking to multiple people.

 

It is also a different feeling when you meet a secure person. They aren't going to trigger the insecure version of your attachment. You will have to actively try and keep working at it. Think if you are attracted to them, do they have good qualities? Do they treat you right? If so then keep spending time together and eventually you will feel it. You won't ever feel that crazy rush unless you are with an avoidant, that is what triggers those like us to go crazy and chase and pine over them.

[BlueIris]

I'd be wary of a man in his 50's who just had a major personal loss and is unemployed making future plans within the first few weeks. I prefer spending the first few months enjoying each other and getting to know each other without coming to major conclusions.

Edited September 16, 2016 by BlueIris

[ballycastle]

I'd be wary of a man in his 50's who just had a major personal loss and is unemployed making future plans within the first few weeks. I prefer spending the first few months enjoying each other and getting to know each other without coming to major conclusions.

 

Hi BlueIris, thanks for this and everyone's comments.

 

I am wary, although his mother died in May this year and he has been spending time sorting out her estate. We are just enjoying each other and spending time apart too, so that's healthy as you suggest. I do not get that angst/gut wrenching feelings that I have when I am with abusive men/avoidants on the basis of 'will he call/won't he?/does he like me?/is he seeing someone else?/Why is he acting cagey?/Why doesn't he want to make plans with me? and all the other actions that anxious people suffer with that we perceived as love/passion but I now know isn't.

 

I certainly don't want to rush into anything heavy, just want to date and enjoy the moments together. I was just interested in my surprise response from the one thing I have yearned for for a great many years and wanted support from this forum!

 

I would also expect someone who is unemployed who has been for many years/no prospects/not interested in being economically active (unlike him) ARE the ones to avoid as opposed to ones looking for opportunities (like him - one job prospect recently fell through). It was through through government cuts that after 25 years he found himself out of work. For that I would expect encouragement that things for him will get back on track.

 

 

I feel better now, thanks!

[preraph]

I'm a bit that way myself, and our backgrounds with the parental types is similar. I have been obsessive over a few guys who wouldn't totally give themselves to me. One was a real rooster type and I've been crushing on him my whole life. We were sort of buddies, but not on a regular basis, but more a bump into each other basis and we also slept together. Decades later when I hunted him down and tagged him like the endangered species he is, I was able to find out more what he was like. All the things I admired were there, but HE had a problem with intimacy which he blamed on "being a little ADD." Hence, he pursued women he could save but who made no demands on him, and I didn't need saving. And then ultimately, he saved one from Russia and personally I think he liked that they couldn't talk to each other and communicate all that much. Then he left her once she stateside and not sure why. We were all well and good over the phone and in email and then in person, but the first whiff of any mooning expectation from me, and he was outta there.

 

Then I was obsessive early on over a guy I would later, with acquired knowledge, peg as truly ADD, barely able to connect at times. But he was perfectly capable of obsessing over a girl he had his eye on nonetheless.

 

Then I obsessed over a guy who was around a lot of the time, coming over to my place a lot, but wouldn't be romantic with me, although when we started out, it certainly seemed to be classically romantic and headed that way. He almost put me in the nuthouse because he wasn't honest with me. A decade later when he was married and had a baby, he confessed, right in front of his wife and baby, that he had had erectile dysfunction from a childhood molestation. So yet another guy who was untouchable in a different way, but he was around a lot and we talked a lot.

 

Then I dated a guy who was NOT remote and avoidant in the true sense of the word and for a while it was just great, but that went wrong. And that's the only time I ever felt I was in a two-way relationship, so it gave me hope that I was at least capable of it. But even he first stepped away from me by dating a woman he would later say "was just so comfortable, no demands, no expectations." Well, because she was an old hussy. But he was just out of a marriage so when he found me, I wasn't the rebound, but he wanted a rebound and had skipped that step. He and I are living separate lives but are still friends and have a bond.

 

But like you, the three or so relationships I had where the guy was sticking close to me, I wasn't passionate about them, and would sometimes be glad when they went home and just let those die or broke them off. But there were other reasons for it than just me.

 

It'd good you have some perspective on your own part in this. But just knowing it doesn't make it change, at least not anytime soon, but it might help you avoid the things that trigger you in the worst way. Good luck.

[ballycastle]

Hi, you were all right, this had nothing to do with my switching styles. I was avoiding this person because he wasn't right for me.

 

I met him again today (again, had to drive to his). I brought my son with me. It was a stressful day, we did not stay still once, he dragged us from one venue to another and meeting various people along the way that he invited to 'join us.' It was as if he didn't want to be with me and just wanted to be with them. It was embarrassing.

 

Then later he kept swearing in front of my son who is 13 and called me stupid/thick as I didn't understand something and the light switch went on inside my head and I drove home never wanting to see him again, knowing that if it starts with something like this, 6 months later it will be worse.

 

I did call him up on these points tonight but he said that because I wasn't affectionate to him he knew as well. I wasn't affectionate because he never washed once when I was with him. Yuck!

 

Trust your gut always. It is always telling you something. My son after asked if he was 'on some kind of spectrum' with how he behaved. Every time I looked at him today I felt a sense of dread that I did not fancy him, I knew it wasn't right. But the swearing/name calling were red flags, no harm done, move on! He confessed he wasn't over his wife....next!