Jump to content

Husband wants a divorce

CK4216

By CK4216
in Separation and Divorce

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

CK4216 New Member

CK4216

Posted
Posted

A few days ago I found out my husband had a "girlfriend" - I found her phone number on his phone bill and looked it up on facebook then saw videos she had posted of them together about a year ago. I confronted him with it and he lied at first then admitted she was someone he had had sex with. I contacted her and told her what I had found and that he was married. She had no idea and told me they had been seeing each other for a year. He denies this. This is not the first affair he has had. I found out about another one a few months ago. I told him I can't do this anymore. We talked divorce etc. but after his "girlfriend" apparently told him that she won't see him anymore after finding out he is married he is now adamant that we divorce so he can move on with his life as he can't stop hurting me and he doesn't think he can fix it. I am devastated even though I know we have to end it I just want him to change and fight for me. I am trying so hard to be strong and dignified as I love this man so much and don't want to appear pathetic and weak. He is still at home and due to financial reasons probably won't move out for a month or so. Now he has turned the tide on me I feel like its a reality that we really are going to divorce and I am going to lose my husband and I am terrified. I don't know how I will cope without him in my life.

  • Like 3
pteromom Established Member

pteromom

Posted
Posted

He is doing you the BIGGEST FAVOR EVER.

 

My only advice is to go to an attorney now and YOU be the one to file. Don't let him make the choice - you do it!

 

It doesn't matter if he fights for you. It doesn't change the fact that he is a cheating loser. You deserve so much more than that.

 

I get that you are hurting and you wish things were different. But trust me - you will be so much better off without him in your life. Leave the task of searching through his phone looking for his latest affair to the next woman.

 

:(

  • Like 7
darkmoon Established Member

darkmoon

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'd find dignity in going out, do not just sit there "pathetic and weak" and get a good lawyer, just do not tell your husb, make sure you are in a good position, privado, and go out this weekend anywhere, coping will come

Edited by darkmoon
  • Like 5
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

Celebrate! This is the best thing that could have happened for you. He knew he was never going to stop cheating on you and more than likely wants to be with this OW. Let him go so you will be free to meet the man who will love you faithfully, don't you deserve that?

  • Like 5
LancasterAmos1966 Established Member

LancasterAmos1966

Posted
Posted
Now he has turned the tide on me I feel like its a reality that we really are going to divorce and I am going to lose my husband and I am terrified. I don't know how I will cope without him in my life.

 

 

I'm sorry CK that you are facing this terrible loss. Sometimes a spouse is until-death-do-us-part, and sometimes a spouse is only for a limited period of time.

 

Whether you were married 2 days or 60 years will make no difference in the great loss you are feeling.

 

Losing a spouse ranks very high on the stress scale (google Holmes and Rahe stress scale) and it lists death of a spouse as 100, and divorce as 73, and separation as 65, going to prison as 63, etc.)

 

So it's no wonder you are "terrified" and don't know how you will "cope without him in your life."

 

It will require work on your part, but you can make it through --- just by posting on here proves you want to get help, and you want to recover!!

 

Google "5 stages of grief" to help you realize that you are not going crazy. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.

 

When I lost my wife of 20+ years, I didn't know how I could cope. A few things helped: Like reading this forum, buying books, talking to friends, and even crying my eyes out whenever necessary.

 

One thing that I thought of was how did I live the first 22 years of my life without even knowing her --- but then when she walked out, I felt like I could not live without her.

 

I wasn't thinking clearly because I wasn't prepared for the loss. But, I eventually realized that I could make it without her, and I have made it without her. And you can too!!

 

Keep checking back often on this forum because many people are going to post helpful tidbits. Think of this as your fan-club because we are wanting you to recover, and go on to live a great life. No one gets paid on here to offer comments ---- just fellow travelers that want to see you recover.

 

We have no idea who you are, but we know exactly what you are feeling because we faced the same thing. We lost our spouse, but we made it through. You will make it too.

  • Like 2
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I told him I can't do this anymore. We talked divorce etc.

 

Doesn't this imply that when you talked you were in favor of divorcing? Did you tell him that?

 

I feel like its a reality that we really are going to divorce and I am going to lose my husband and I am terrified.

 

CK, you didn't lose him, he abandoned you and left the marriage when he engaged in a series of affairs. Since he seems to have no intention of stopping, can't imagine you'd still want to be with him if he was going to continue to cheat :confused: ??? That seems to be the option you have...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 4
KatieCares Member

KatieCares

Posted
Posted

I am so sorry for your pain. I understand why you feel terrified, your whole life just turned inside out. I often think of the expression "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" Honestly, you may be feeling that this will kill you; but it won't. You are so much stronger than you know! It sounds as though your husband is unwilling to change, and if that is the case, you are better off without him. You can do this! I urge you to find a good counselor, rely on friends and family whenever possible. there are people who truly love you, and will help you get through this. Most importantly, I believe that God will help you get through this. I will be praying for you!

  • Like 3
  • Author
CK4216 New Member

CK4216

Posted
  • Author
Posted
He is doing you the BIGGEST FAVOR EVER.

 

My only advice is to go to an attorney now and YOU be the one to file. Don't let him make the choice - you do it!

 

It doesn't matter if he fights for you. It doesn't change the fact that he is a cheating loser. You deserve so much more than that.

 

I get that you are hurting and you wish things were different. But trust me - you will be so much better off without him in your life. Leave the task of searching through his phone looking for his latest affair to the next woman.

 

:(

 

Thanks, i wasn't going to get legal advice at this stage but after revealing to my best friend last night what was going on she encouraged me to do so in order to protect myself. Even though I don't think he will try to take anything from me I need to be smart about this.

  • Like 6
  • Author
CK4216 New Member

CK4216

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I'd find dignity in going out, do not just sit there "pathetic and weak" and get a good lawyer, just do not tell your husb, make sure you are in a good position, privado, and go out this weekend anywhere, coping will come

 

Trying my hardest to be strong, have created a life that revolves around him and have no social life where we currently live. All my friends live in other cities. I don't have a lot of family support unfortunately for reasons too long to go into here. I have very low self-esteem and that has impacted on me creating a life for myself but I am working on it. I have been seeing a psychologist for a while now and its helped. I need to reach out to my friends and family for support now as I have kept what is going on very private.

  • Like 2
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

Sorry that you're hurting.

 

The truth is that he's unable to be faithful.

 

If you don't divorce him, he will do it again and again.

 

Don't let that be your future.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 1
  • Author
CK4216 New Member

CK4216

Posted
  • Author
Posted

 

We have no idea who you are, but we know exactly what you are feeling because we faced the same thing. We lost our spouse, but we made it through. You will make it too.

 

Thank you for your kind words, it definitely helps Xx

  • Like 1
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted
Trying my hardest to be strong, have created a life that revolves around him and have no social life where we currently live. All my friends live in other cities. I don't have a lot of family support unfortunately for reasons too long to go into here. I have very low self-esteem and that has impacted on me creating a life for myself but I am working on it. I have been seeing a psychologist for a while now and its helped. I need to reach out to my friends and family for support now as I have kept what is going on very private.

 

Post here as often as you like.

 

Writing your thoughts down is very healing.

 

You'll be ok.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 1
  • Author
CK4216 New Member

CK4216

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Sorry that you're hurting.

 

The truth is that he's unable to be faithful.

 

If you don't divorce him, he will do it again and again.

 

Don't let that be your future.

 

 

Take care.

 

Thank you - I know he will never be faithful, he has admitted that and told me that because of it we should divorce as he doesn't want to keep hurting me. I am stuck on the feeling of why can't he love me enough to just want to be with me. I have terrible insecurities and seeing the other women he has been with has just made it worse.

  • Like 1
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted
Thank you - I know he will never be faithful, he has admitted that and told me that because of it we should divorce as he doesn't want to keep hurting me. I am stuck on the feeling of why can't he love me enough to just want to be with me. I have terrible insecurities and seeing the other women he has been with has just made it worse.

 

Carry on seeing your psychologist and talk to people you find supportive.

 

Support makes all the difference.

  • Like 1
ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

Posted
Posted
Thank you - I know he will never be faithful, he has admitted that and told me that because of it we should divorce as he doesn't want to keep hurting me. I am stuck on the feeling of why can't he love me enough to just want to be with me. I have terrible insecurities and seeing the other women he has been with has just made it worse.

 

Many a BS (Blind Spouse) goes through this. We don't want to believe that this is our spouse, but it is. There is a saying that goes... "When they show you who they are, believe them!" Took me forever to believe like a hole in my head.

  • Like 2
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted
Trying my hardest to be strong, have created a life that revolves around him and have no social life where we currently live. All my friends live in other cities. I don't have a lot of family support unfortunately for reasons too long to go into here. I have very low self-esteem and that has impacted on me creating a life for myself but I am working on it. I have been seeing a psychologist for a while now and its helped. I need to reach out to my friends and family for support now as I have kept what is going on very private.

 

Look, he's nailing your abandonment trigger.

 

You will be FINE.

 

He's a real piece of work.

 

As for you, hit the gym, go out with friends call a Distress Line every time you feel inclined to talk to the jerk.

 

Change his name in your phone to Lying User or Cheating Liar.

 

Or something. Because when he does contact you, and you feel that wash of "oh yay, my husband is calling" it will remind exactly why you don't want to talk to that guy.

 

Trust me, maybe he is handsome and gets you a coke when he goes to the fridge, but he is the biggest piece of selfish scum you could attach yourself to.

 

And real nice of him to use other people too eh? People who aren't even aware they are investing time into a relationship that is an absolute dead end.

 

I'm sorry that he did this to you. I'm sorry that he isn't the man that he pretended to be in the beginning.

  • Like 3
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I'm sorry that he did this to you. I'm sorry that he isn't the man that he pretended to be in the beginning.

 

 

Ah, the old bait and switch.

 

We all try to put our best foot forwrd early in a relationship, but some people change so much - and rarely for the better - that it seems like a deliberate con job. That's one reason why any thread starting with "I met him/her online..." gives me immediate pause...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
  • Author
CK4216 New Member

CK4216

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Look, he's nailing your abandonment trigger.

 

Yep I am very vunerable. My mother walked out on us when I was 7 years old and because of that I have major issues with abandonment. I have let him treat me this way because no matter what the pain of someone that I love leaving me is unbearable. I'm trying to stop this emotional response I am having to him wanting a divorce so he can be "free"!

beautifulinside2 Established Member

beautifulinside2

Posted
Posted
Yep I am very vunerable. My mother walked out on us when I was 7 years old and because of that I have major issues with abandonment. I have let him treat me this way because no matter what the pain of someone that I love leaving me is unbearable. I'm trying to stop this emotional response I am having to him wanting a divorce so he can be "free"!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pketb6gxR3w

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...