lovesfool Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 My ex has a birthday coming up. He will be 30 years old. I was thinking of sending him a simple happy birthday message, but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. We had an on and off relationship, with me ending it the second time. We said we'd be friends, but he was ignoring me and I may have got a bit annoyed and said some silly things. I think he got annoyed at what I said too, so I told him maybe it would be best to cut ties as it didn't look like staying friends would work at that time. He never responded. That was a number of months ago and we haven't spoken since. I have no ill will to him and have no intention of getting back together with him, but I feel if I don't wish him well on a big event like a 30th birthday, I would be the immature one. Should I send a simple message on the day? I feel if I don't say anything then he would truly never speak to me again.
DarrenB Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 It's just another milestone, what does it even matter. You shouldn't feel obliged to wish someone a 'happy birthday'. You're both clearly completely out of each other's lives and it should stay that way. Don't feed the temptation or point of reconciliation by getting in touch with him. Not wishing him a happy birthday, can be perceived how he wants but I personally wouldn't. There's simply just no need to
Silver_star Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 I wouldn't if I were you. If you do, don't expect a response back. You will probably feel foolish afterwards. You had said you weren't friends and that you wanted to cut ties, and a birthday shouldn't change that. 1
Zahara Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 The relationship ended twice, you being the dumper. Then you wanted to be friends and got annoyed when you weren't getting the "friend" attention you needed. Then you decided to cut ties. Now you want to poke him because you are afraid he won't talk to you again? You seem to want to do whatever it is you want based on your terms. Nothing will come from talking again, because it was evident the last time that the proposal to be friends didn't work. The mature thing to do is to let this sleeping dog lie and allow each of you to keep moving forward. He will have friends and family to celebrate this day with him. It was a break-up (twice) and a failed attempt at being "friends" -- let it go. 8
Bialy Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 I wouldn't. In another thread, someone mentioned how upset she was that her ex never acknowledged her "Happy Birthday!" text to him. Her ex never responded at all. If you are purely interested in sending a happy birthday message, then it shouldn't matter if the person responds or not... if your intentions are actually pure and friendly. If, however, you're expecting a response and feel disturbed about not receiving one, then you are seeking validation and acknowledgement from your ex. It means it had absolutely nothing to do with his birthday and more to do with not feeling forgotten. Sending an ex who you haven't seen in months a birthday message might come across as, "Hey! Remember me!" He might not appreciate the blast from the past on a big day for him. 1
elaine567 Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 He might not appreciate the blast from the past on a big day for him. True. You dumped him, so he is probably the one that is hurting the most, he may still be hurting, so leave him alone on his Birthday.
stillafool Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 Leave him alone. He probably has another gf by now and won't respond back like before. It's not about you being immature it's about moving on.
Author lovesfool Posted September 15, 2016 Author Posted September 15, 2016 The relationship ended twice, you being the dumper. Then you wanted to be friends and got annoyed when you weren't getting the "friend" attention you needed. Then you decided to cut ties. Now you want to poke him because you are afraid he won't talk to you again? You seem to want to do whatever it is you want based on your terms. I think that is a bit unfair. The first time he broke up with me. The second time I broke up with him because it didn't feel the same. I had a lingering feeling that he wasn't into me and I couldn't shake it. "I" didn't want to be friends, "We" did. If he never wanted to speak to me again after we broke up, I would have understood. But he said he wanted to stay in contact, he was even the first to suggest it! When he stopped replying to my messages I read that as him not wanting to be friends. Maybe he had some background feelings, either of hatred or love, I don't know. That's why I suggested drawing a line in the sand. I'm not really sure what you mean by saying "do whatever it is you want based on your terms". So what if I am afraid he won't talk to me again, how is that a bad thing? I still care for him and I'd like to think he still cares for me in some way. This isn't some selfish act, I just hope he is doing well, and if he doesn't reply, so be it.
stillafool Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 Well it seems you've already made up your mind so what do you need LS for? Wish him a happy b-day but don't expect him to reply back. As that would be the more mature attitude.
Author lovesfool Posted September 15, 2016 Author Posted September 15, 2016 If you are purely interested in sending a happy birthday message, then it shouldn't matter if the person responds or not... if your intentions are actually pure and friendly. If, however, you're expecting a response and feel disturbed about not receiving one, then you are seeking validation and acknowledgement from your ex. It means it had absolutely nothing to do with his birthday and more to do with not feeling forgotten. Sending an ex who you haven't seen in months a birthday message might come across as, "Hey! Remember me!" He might not appreciate the blast from the past on a big day for him. I completely understand what you're saying and I agree. When he first broke up with me and he did not reply to my messages I was devastated. But now I have moved on, and if I am honest, I wouldn't expect a reply from him. And I'm also not expecting to open up new lines of communication. I just thought it would be nice to acknowledge his birthday. Maybe it would be better to send him a message a few days before instead of on his birthday, in case, as you say, he may not want that blast from the past on his big day.
Author lovesfool Posted September 15, 2016 Author Posted September 15, 2016 Well it seems you've already made up your mind so what do you need LS for? Wish him a happy b-day but don't expect him to reply back. As that would be the more mature attitude. I haven't made up my mind, but I find it helps to type out my intentions and to get other peoples perspectives on it. I was heavily leaning towards wishing him a happy birthday, that's why it's difficult to convince me otherwise. I do appreciate the advice and see where you are all coming from. I have a few days to decide what to do and will take in all of your viewpoints. Thank you
Bialy Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 I still care for him and I'd like to think he still cares for me in some way. This right here is precisely why you should let leave this be and not reach out. 3
Author lovesfool Posted September 15, 2016 Author Posted September 15, 2016 This right here is precisely why you should let leave this be and not reach out. Sorry, that may have come across in the wrong way. I still care for him as I care for anyone close to me in my life, like friends and family, not romantically.
stillafool Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 But you two are not friends. Most people are not friends with their exes and once they stop communicating one moves on as it should be. 2
Scarlett.O'hara Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 I think he has made it clear that he doesn't want you in his life anymore, either as a friend or a lover. For that reason a birthday message wouldn't be appropriate. As hard as it might be to admit, maybe it is time to let go and move on. 2
Zahara Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 I had a lingering feeling that he wasn't into me and I couldn't shake it. A good reason to maintain no contact. Seems like two break-ups and lack of interest in being friends solidifies the above. This isn't some selfish act, I just hope he is doing well, and if he doesn't reply, so be it. Another good reason to maintain no contact. You don't hope that he is doing well because you know he surely is -- this is your need to break the ice and have him in your life in some fashion as you mentioned you are afraid he'll never talk to you. 2
BC1980 Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 "I" didn't want to be friends, "We" did. If he never wanted to speak to me again after we broke up, I would have understood. But he said he wanted to stay in contact, he was even the first to suggest it! When he stopped replying to my messages I read that as him not wanting to be friends. Maybe he had some background feelings, either of hatred or love, I don't know. That's why I suggested drawing a line in the sand. I think you read his actions correctly. Thing about saying you will be friends after a breakup is that it usually doesn't work out that way. It seems like a nice idea at the time, but it usually isn't realistic when you actually try to do it. After emotions settle and with time, people change their minds. That's probably what happened here. He's changed his mind about being friends or realized it wasn't actually what he wanted. 2
Trinity_84 Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 I feel if I don't wish him well on a big event like a 30th birthday, I would be the immature one. The immature one as opposed to who? Does it matter if your ex thinks you're immature? How or why? If *you* feel that not contacting an ex on a birthday is immature...then maybe you are haha... I don't know, worrying about silly stuff like that after a relationship is over is silly. You are not part of each other's lives anymore. Whether or not you wish him a HBD isn't going to change that/affect him in any way that matters to you. Ultimately, it's your choice I suppose. But no, you are not immature for not wishing an ex a HBD.
Trinity_84 Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 Maybe it would be better to send him a message a few days before instead of on his birthday, in case, as you say, he may not want that blast from the past on his big day. I think you completely missed the point of "not wanting a blast from the past on his big day". Maybe he doesn't want it at all. Maybe he's already with someone else, which is why he never responded to your messages. 1
aloneinaz Posted September 16, 2016 Posted September 16, 2016 I get where you're coming from OP. We all like to think and hope after a relationship ends that we can be civil to each other w/no hard feelings. These people were once very important in our lives. We think to ourselves "hey, I'll wish so and so a happy birthday to let him know I was thinking about him on his big day". In this case, his actions are he wants no contact from you. As such, you should respect his wishes and not send him a b-day message. Let it lay where it is. The vast majority of folks have no contact after relationships end which is sadly the norm. You don't know what the future holds though. I'm FB friends with exGF's from decades ago. I'll wish them a happy birthday on FB and they do the same. It's nice and feels good that there's no hard feelings with someone you once loved. Again, the difference is it's been 20 plus years since those relationships ended. 1
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