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Am I unreasonable to expect my girlfriend to spend the night in my dorm?

xxgreen20

By xxgreen20
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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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I am currently a freshman in college who is living on campus, and I have a girlfriend of about 4 months. She just graduated college this past spring, and she did not have a very good college experience. She did not go away, which she regrets, and only made 2 friends, among many other things. I generally see her at home most weekends, and she was supposed to come visit me yesterday, and I asked her if she wanted to spend the night in my dorm, and she said she never wants to. She says spending the night will make her feel stuck in the past and keep her from moving ahead with her life. I find this ridiculous, and it is insulting to me. College is going to class, doing homework, making friends, eating in the cafeteria, etc. Not sleeping. I said these words to her and told her that just because she has regrets, that shouldn't stop her from being a part of my experience and spending nights with me at school. If I was in that situation, I'd buck up and do it for her. I heard absolutely nothing from her yesterday, and she didn't come down here at all, never confirming that she didn't want to come. I don't frankly care because I think I'm being reasonable to expect her to try spending the night at least once or twice to do something nice for her boyfriend, that would make him happy. I'm going to try and call her later, and ask her flat out if she even wants to visit anymore. If she says she's not gonna visit anymore and that it makes her uncomfortable to even go somewhere off campus with me, then I'm ending it with her. The not spending the night I can maybe come to terms with, but if she says she's never gonna come down again, it's a dealbreaker. Point is, I would try to do something that makes me uncomfortable to make her happy, and it hurts me that she won't do the same for me. I understand her regrets and feel bad for her, but it shouldn't stop her from being there for me and visiting me. I love her very much, but I can't be with someone who's never going to visit me at college, regardless of the reasons. She stayed at her last boyfriend's dorm constantly. He went to the college she commuted to, and they were only a year apart, so I know it's different, but it still makes me feel like I can't compare to him and that I am holding her back from moving ahead with her life. I've heard absolutely nothing from her today or yesterday, except for one text yesterday that said, "I don't feel like talking to anyone."

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SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

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The brief answer is: "... yes"

 

 

Had she wanted to spend (another) night in a dorm, she would have enrolled.

 

 

Next thing you're going to try to justify is (effectively) making a woman spend the night in your parents' basement.

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JewelD Established Member

JewelD

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The brief answer is: "... yes"

 

 

Had she wanted to spend (another) night in a dorm, she would have enrolled.

 

 

Next thing you're going to try to justify is (effectively) making a woman spend the night in your parents' basement.

 

Agreed. Do you have a single? Even if you do, I'm sure it's a tiny prison cell of a room like damn near all dorms. And if you have a roommate, you're being even more unreasonable. The bathrooms are disgusting, the food is nasty, it's not even comfortable for the students living in them, you just deal with it because it's part of college.

 

If you want to see her, why can't you go to a hotel? Or go home and visit her? College is fun to you bc you just got there, it's not all that thrilling once you've graduated.

 

You should probably just end it with her now if her sleeping in your dorm is that big of a deal. You're clearly in two different positions in your lives and you've only been dating a few months.

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clia Established Member

clia

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Since you said your girlfriend has graduated college, I'm going to assume she is 21 or 22 years old. There is no way I'd stay in a dorm at that age. Get a hotel room if you want her to visit.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Is this the girl that is doing 10 hour shifts at work?

If it is, the last thing she will want is to spend the night on a single bed after driving an hour to see you after work, then driving back shattered the next morning to start another long shift in 90 degree heat...

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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IMO you two are at two different places in life....a breakup would be my advice. You both need to move on.

 

I'm surprised she would even date someone who is just starting college.

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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Agreed. Do you have a single? Even if you do, I'm sure it's a tiny prison cell of a room like damn near all dorms. And if you have a roommate, you're being even more unreasonable. The bathrooms are disgusting, the food is nasty, it's not even comfortable for the students living in them, you just deal with it because it's part of college.

 

If you want to see her, why can't you go to a hotel? Or go home and visit her? College is fun to you bc you just got there, it's not all that thrilling once you've graduated.

 

You should probably just end it with her now if her sleeping in your dorm is that big of a deal. You're clearly in two different positions in your lives and you've only been dating a few months.

 

I have a roommate, but he has told me, without me even asking, that he is ok with her spending the night any time since he has many friends whose rooms he can crash in. I can try suggesting a hotel, but money is the only issue, but I am willing to find a relatively cheap, but still nice, hotel. What bothers me is the deep reasons why she won't stay in my dorm, which is that she feels it will keep her from moving ahead in her life and she will feel stuck in the past. Thanks to you guys though, I'm starting to realize I'm being an idiot. I don't want to lose her.

Edited by xxgreen20
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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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IMO you two are at two different places in life....a breakup would be my advice. You both need to move on.

 

I'm surprised she would even date someone who is just starting college.

 

You are always helpful to me on here, but I did some deep thinking about this and realized I am being an idiot, not her. The two of us have a lot in common, and my grandparents are almost 10 years apart, so age does not bother us at all.

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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Since you said your girlfriend has graduated college, I'm going to assume she is 21 or 22 years old. There is no way I'd stay in a dorm at that age. Get a hotel room if you want her to visit.

 

Yes, your guess on the age is correct. I think the hotel is smart, but it's tough since I'm not working at the moment. But not a horrible idea.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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You are always helpful to me on here, but I did some deep thinking about this and realized I am being an idiot, not her. The two of us have a lot in common, and my grandparents are almost 10 years apart, so age does not bother us at all.

 

 

This has nothing to do with age, this has a lot to do with where you are at in your lives. I don't think even going to a hotel, visiting you for the next 4 years is a desirable plan.

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pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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Imagine if she still lived with her parents. And imagine that her bedroom at her parents' house was still decorated in that little girl decor and had teddy bears and Barbies on the shelves. And imagine that her bedroom is right next to her parents' room with thin walls.

 

Now imagine her getting upset that you don't want to spend the night in there with her.

 

That's the same thing she is feeling - on a less exaggerated level. Your dorm is not YOU. And her not wanting to sleep in a college dorm has nothing to do with how she feels about YOU. It just means she has no interest in sleeping in a dorm room and displacing a roommate whose things will still be strewn about, while she listens to the other students running up and down the hall.

 

It's weird and awkward to go sleep at college once you are out.

 

I get how staying in a hotel over 4 years time would be crazy too. But there has to be SOME solution here. You guys should sit and brainstorm.

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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Imagine if she still lived with her parents. And imagine that her bedroom at her parents' house was still decorated in that little girl decor and had teddy bears and Barbies on the shelves. And imagine that her bedroom is right next to her parents' room with thin walls.

 

Now imagine her getting upset that you don't want to spend the night in there with her.

 

That's the same thing she is feeling - on a less exaggerated level. Your dorm is not YOU. And her not wanting to sleep in a college dorm has nothing to do with how she feels about YOU. It just means she has no interest in sleeping in a dorm room and displacing a roommate whose things will still be strewn about, while she listens to the other students running up and down the hall.

 

It's weird and awkward to go sleep at college once you are out.

 

I get how staying in a hotel over 4 years time would be crazy too. But there has to be SOME solution here. You guys should sit and brainstorm.

 

Would it be feasible to have her come down once a week if she's willing and not stay over, but stay in a hotel maybe one weeknight a month so we can get more quality time together? This way I don't lose too much money per month and I can find a job to pay for that and other expenses.

GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

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Would it be feasible to have her come down once a week if she's willing and not stay over, but stay in a hotel maybe one weeknight a month so we can get more quality time together? This way I don't lose too much money per month and I can find a job to pay for that and other expenses.

 

 

How about you visiting/staying with her? Is that a possibility?

pteromom Established Member

pteromom

Posted
Posted
Would it be feasible to have her come down once a week if she's willing and not stay over, but stay in a hotel maybe one weeknight a month so we can get more quality time together? This way I don't lose too much money per month and I can find a job to pay for that and other expenses.

 

Talk to her. I have no idea if that works for her, but it sounds like a good compromise to get you both what you want.

Lois_Griffin Established Member

Lois_Griffin

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I have a roommate, but he has told me, without me even asking, that he is ok with her spending the night any time since he has many friends whose rooms he can crash in. I can try suggesting a hotel, but money is the only issue, but I am willing to find a relatively cheap, but still nice, hotel. What bothers me is the deep reasons why she won't stay in my dorm, which is that she feels it will keep her from moving ahead in her life and she will feel stuck in the past. Thanks to you guys though, I'm starting to realize I'm being an idiot. I don't want to lose her.

I think there are elements of truth to it. I wouldn't want to be a college graduate and have to step backwards to sharing a bunk in a guy's dorm room. That's like graduating high school then going back for the Senior Prom and making out under the bleachers. As someone else said, you might as well invite her to sleep over on a cot in your mother's basement, or drag her to a hostel.

 

Blech.

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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Imagine if she still lived with her parents. And imagine that her bedroom at her parents' house was still decorated in that little girl decor and had teddy bears and Barbies on the shelves. And imagine that her bedroom is right next to her parents' room with thin walls.

 

Now imagine her getting upset that you don't want to spend the night in there with her.

 

That's the same thing she is feeling - on a less exaggerated level. Your dorm is not YOU. And her not wanting to sleep in a college dorm has nothing to do with how she feels about YOU. It just means she has no interest in sleeping in a dorm room and displacing a roommate whose things will still be strewn about, while she listens to the other students running up and down the hall.

 

It's weird and awkward to go sleep at college once you are out.

 

I get how staying in a hotel over 4 years time would be crazy too. But there has to be SOME solution here. You guys should sit and brainstorm.

 

There is no need to find a solution, because as of a couple of hours ago, the relationship is over.

Lansing Established Member

Lansing

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Posted
There is no need to find a solution, because as of a couple of hours ago, the relationship is over.

 

 

Sorry to hear but probably for the better.

 

What struck me as bad behaviour on her part was her unwillingness to communicate with you after you pointed out how you felt. Her just closing down and not even saying "hey, I am not coming anymore" was a sign to me that she didn't care enough about you. Even if she had strong feelings about not staying over she could have said "look, I am just not comfortable about staying over in your dorm but I really want to see you today still, I hope we can have a great day together"...

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xxgreen20 Established Member

xxgreen20

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Sorry to hear but probably for the better.

 

What struck me as bad behaviour on her part was her unwillingness to communicate with you after you pointed out how you felt. Her just closing down and not even saying "hey, I am not coming anymore" was a sign to me that she didn't care enough about you. Even if she had strong feelings about not staying over she could have said "look, I am just not comfortable about staying over in your dorm but I really want to see you today still, I hope we can have a great day together"...

 

Not staying in the dorm was just part of what she was feeling. Our mutual friend confessed to me that my ex had texted her during our fight that she only saw me as a best friend and not as a boyfriend, and her feelings for me had faded around the time I left for college, but she didn't have the guts to tell me yet. I confronted her about it last night, and she told me that she felt absolutely nothing for me besides friendship, and her mind had been made up since right after I left for school in late August, but she didn't want to hurt me so hadn't told me. She also said that since she cannot have feelings for a college freshman when she has already graduated and is looking for a job, and she needs to be single. Yesterday we were at the mall with our mutual friends before it happened, and she wouldn't hold my hand and was standing far away from me and gently elbowed me when I tried to put my arm around her. We had a 30 minute talk last night in the car in front of her house when I dropped her off that involved me sobbing and her just a little emotional. I loved her so much, and our mutual friends are devastated as well. She wants to be best friends, but I said no, I can't do it and I probably can't ever. I don't know how I'm going to go back to school and not start crying or tearing up in the middle of social interactions. I'm going back tonight.

Edited by xxgreen20
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