Other men in relationship

[hoully81]

Do you trust her? That's the bottom line, really. I think a reasonable boundary is to be included when they get together, and for them not to meet alone unless it is in public. (At least until you have a better sense of both and feel you can trust them.)

 

 

I have friends who are former lovers, and occasionally invite them over to visit me and my wife. A couple are from out of town and have even visited for a week. My wife has a couple of friends who are former lovers, too. We've gone on vacation with one.

 

 

The boundaries are clear, as is the trust. If either are violated, we'll have a problem - and probably a break-up. Until then, we're good.

 

I am not sure that is the bottom line. I trusted my ex wife and my friend at the time and that led to divorce.

[smackie9]

This has not been eating at me for 2 months. It was not a problem at all. But I just seen a Facebook photo from years ago that they went to prom together feel a little awkward about the situation.

 

I guess I do not understand your point? So am I not supposed to be able to tell this girl that this makes me uncomfortable that a guy that was dancing with you and grabbing your ass at prom makes me uncomfortable? may be my girlfreind has good intentions and she has zero plans to get with this guy which is probably the case unless I totally mess something up. But I guess where do my feelings come into play? Are you saying I should just dump her now since I dont like this action she did?

Were you there at the prom? no, but yet you let your imagination dictate what happened...is that really fair??. Did it happen YEARS AGO? yes, long before you two met. Dump her? she did nothing wrong. As we become adults we realize we are just people not sex crazed teenagers with tendencies to make poor choices.

 

Let me tell you this, you will go through life experiencing twinges of jealousy, it's all normal. But it's not normal to be a baby about it. You are supposed to brush it off and move from it.

 

I dated a guy that was jealous...I could hardly breath near a guy without being questioned. That's control/abuse. It was a horrible hurtful experience.

 

You need to get a grip on your insecurities because it's not her it's all YOU, so my suggestion is to seek out counseling to deal with the infidelity of your past marriage. I'm not going to come and just say "get over it", I'm saying you really need to work through it or you will destroy every relationship you have because of it.

[emerald86]

I'll try to speak from my own experience, and maybe try to put myself in your girlfriend's shoes. I'm friends with one of my exes. In college, we had a relationship that lasted a couple of years. It's been maybe 2 years since we broke up, but I have absolutely no desire to get back together with him, and he feels the same about me. So even though we are friends, we only really ever talk when we hang out in a group. We text each other maybe once in a blue moon (The last time I texted him was to wish him a happy birthday 3 months ago). We don't ever hangout one-on-one, nor do I ever invite him to hangout with any friend of mine. If I am ever in desperate need of help, I know that I would be able to call him like I would any other friend, but other than this, my contact with him is minimal.

 

Personally, if I ever invite an old flame to hangout with me or any other friend of mine, I usually still have some sort of feelings for him, or I want something to happen between us. But that's just me. I also acknowledge that in your situation, we don't really know if your girlfriend ever dated this guy. Maybe they just went to prom together, and that's it. After all, even I went to prom with a male friend that I had no feelings for. But there is a strong indication that they once had sex, and for that reason, I would say be wary.

 

You don't have to tell her to cut off all communication with this guy, but watch out for potential signs of cheating. Is she texting this guy everyday? Are there any signs that they are hanging out one-on-one? If you get the sense that something is off, bring it up to her.

[Buddhist]

Yes it would be different, but not better at all. Rule is that you don't put up with orbiters. Guys, from anywhere, that constantly orbit around your GF/Wife ever.

 

If this happens you dump if she gives you the "Male Friends" crap.

 

I know smackie9 and others hate this, But dude I am giving you the straight truth. Because this guy is an ex, (and I bet she has not really told you that they used to screw either), it makes it that much easier for her to sleep with him when you guys have a fight and she need comforting.

 

This happens all the time, ALL THE TIME!

 

Don't stand for it, and dump he if necessary.

 

This is awesome advice if you wish to be perpetually single. Few women these days will put up with this kind of nonsense. I know I wouldn't date any guy this insecure and controlling as a result. If someone demanded I lose contact with all male friends I would be losing contact with the person demanding it.

 

You can't prevent cheating by micromanaging another person. All you will do is drive them away and straight into the arms of someone else. Everyone gets cheated on, I did, and I know. If they are going to do it, they will do it regardless of how jealous and controlling you may be. My partner didn't cheat on me with an ex, female friend or anything like that. He went straight out and found someone new, during daylight hours when I thought he was at work. You cannot second guess this and put in preventative measures. A cheater will cheat regardless.

 

The my way or the highway attitude generally ensures the person concerned chooses the highway. People choose freedom over control every single time. Insecurities are for us to work on. Yes you can convey your concern if it makes you feel better. But cross that line into dictating and you will probably be single sooner than you counted on.

Edited September 15, 2016 by Buddhist

[BluesPower]

Buddhist, they may not put up with it from you, but they put up with it from me.

 

If I am in relationship and something like this is going on, and she gives me crap about it, she is gone and there are 10 more ready to take her place.

 

Any man that puts up this kind of stuff is a complete PUS**. This is one of the reason men get walked all over the believe that this crap is OK until they find out it is not.

[central]

Buddhist, they may not put up with it from you, but they put up with it from me.

 

If I am in relationship and something like this is going on, and she gives me crap about it, she is gone and there are 10 more ready to take her place.

 

Any man that puts up this kind of stuff is a complete PUS**. This is one of the reason men get walked all over the believe that this crap is OK until they find out it is not.

 

I guess you'd view me as a "PUS**." And I'd view you as not enough of a man to inspire fidelity and loyalty, because you need to go all Neanderthal to keep your "property" under control.

[Gaeta]

I see....My wife cheated on me and is still with the guy?

 

Gaeta...Where do you draw the line? If they were having sex in high school should I still be ok with it? (of course I wouldn't be)

 

Believe it or not I was cheated on as well. I spend 4 years with a man (lived together) and discovered after the whole 4 years he had been cheating repeatedly since beginning. That did not make me a paranoid woman. Maybe because I stayed single for years after that and took time to gain back my trust in life and in love.

 

My BF is allowed to have female friends, and he does. I have male friends as well. When we first met we both agreed we were ok with this if it was done properly. Done properly means we do 'friends' things. We grab lunch together, we call or text occasionally to update each other on work, kids, stuff. We do not go out at night alone, that's dating activities.

 

If they had sex in the past? I don't give a heck. I am 50 years old, my BF 49, we know respect when we see it whether there was a history with the friend or not.

 

My boyfriend has a female friend, I don't care to ask if they had a history together. In my mind it's not important. On my end I have been working for my ex (the cheating one) for 13 years and my BF does not consider this important or worrisome.

 

We both know we cannot tie each other up, we cannot control each other, we cannot supervise each other. What will be will be. If he cheats he's out of my life and I will cross that bridge when I get there. Till then I refuse to live in jealousy, worry, and anxiety.

[BluesPower]

Wow, OK then central. Well, if this was your situation and you had a bad feeling about it, and you let it continue, then yes.

 

People cheat when the going gets tough, there is no reason allow any situation in a relationship that makes it easier for someone to be tempted at the wrong time.

 

I just really don't have a lot of trouble with my masculinity, and your little internet post does not hurt my feelings.

 

And hey, everyone is entitled to there opinion, both me and you.

[Gaeta]

I am guessing that you are female.

 

So you are cool if your SO has the other sex hanging around grooming and loving from afar?

 

You have got to be kidding me.

 

grooming and loving from afar?

 

Sorry I thought we were talking about an high school friend dropping by to catch up.

[Gaeta]

 

And BTW, OP, my wife had an affair with the biggest dork you ever saw, I put him in the hospital.

 

Explains why you carry so much anger and resentment around.

 

You should have left her and get someone worthy of your loyalty. Like I did. Maybe that's why I was able to move on and give my full trust again. On your end you carry this burden and we can feel the hate in between each line you write.

[BluesPower]

Yes I do have anger Gaeta. But not about the affairs as much. There were a lot of things going on.

 

But some of us are not as highly advanced as you and your BF. I wish I was. If you really want to know about me you can read some of my threads.

 

I am your age and I am happy for you.

 

I still stand by everything I said.

[LD1990]

It seems calling people controlling has become the go-to response anytime a man has a problem with something his girlfriend does. So everyone, how far does that extend? If OP's girlfriend said "hey I'm gonna go screw this friend of mine, don't wait up," does OP have the right to speak up then? Or would that make him a big, bad, controlling man?

 

Yes, that's an extreme example. But everyone has different boundaries. Some people don't mind their partners having sex with others. Some, such as Gaeta and her boyfriend, seem to have set the arbitrary line of acceptable behavior at daytime activities with the opposite sex, but nothing at night. Others, like myself and BluesPower, don't want partners that have male "friends." So that makes us Neanderthals, central? Are you just more enlightened than us, so your view of acceptable relationship boundaries is more valid?

 

The OP seems to have a problem with his girlfriend hanging around with this guy, so BluesPower and I recommended telling her that, seeing how she reacts, and possibly ending the relationship. What exactly is wrong with that? Doesn't he have a say in the boundaries of his relationship?

[Buddhist]

It seems calling people controlling has become the go-to response anytime a man has a problem with something his girlfriend does. So everyone, how far does that extend? If OP's girlfriend said "hey I'm gonna go screw this friend of mine, don't wait up," does OP have the right to speak up then? Or would that make him a big, bad, controlling man?

 

Not really. If the OP were a female and saying she doesn't like her bf having female friends I'd be telling her she's insecure and controlling too and go handle it or lose her relationship.

 

The OP seems to have a problem with his girlfriend hanging around with this guy, so BluesPower and I recommended telling her that, seeing how she reacts, and possibly ending the relationship. What exactly is wrong with that? Doesn't he have a say in the boundaries of his relationship?

 

Nothing wrong with setting boundaries as long as you're prepared to live the consequences of them. If the consequences of requiring your SO to have no friends of the opposite sex is that they leave you, and you are happy with that, go for it. Partners aren't things we own, they are other people with their own preferences too. When freedom is lacking in a relationship they tend to go south, men and women alike, hate a lack of freedom. Issuing ultimatums tends to be a poor choice in relationships.

 

All the people in this thread are asking the OP to consider the possible consequences of those choices before it's put out there to his partner. If he feels so strongly about this he is willing to leave the relationship over it, okay then.

[smackie9]

Yes I do have anger Gaeta. But not about the affairs as much. There were a lot of things going on.

 

But some of us are not as highly advanced as you and your BF. I wish I was. If you really want to know about me you can read some of my threads.

 

I am your age and I am happy for you.

 

I still stand by everything I said.

 

 

My mom has this posted on her fridge:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

 

 

 

I feel sorry for you because you have this intense focus on something that is so negative needlessly, that you can't even just enjoy being with someone.

[Miss Peach]

ASK HER the questions you are dying to ask her and be done with it. Ask her if he is an ex boyfriend and if they were intimate.

 

Going to prom with someone does not mean you dated him or had sex with him. My daughter went to her prom with one of her best male friends and 10 years later yes they still hang out together as friends.

 

You also don't tell people, not even your girlfriend, what to do. She doesn't have to ask you permission to hang out with her friends. You let her be your girlfriend and if she conducts herself in ways you don't approve of than you change girlfriend. The rest is called 'control'.

 

I was thinking the same thing when I read this. BF has hung out with my prom date many times. I never dated nor had sex with him.

 

BTW - If a guy I dated had a problem with him, I wouldn't pick a BF over a friend I've had for 20 years. I'm happy to set boundaries like including him in things but I'm not getting rid of the friendship. I also work in a male dominated industry. If a BF couldn't trust me around men then we're not a good match.

[hoully81]

Thanks for all the responses. I do not see my girlfriend having any contact with this guy. outside of Facebook and the one time he came over for drinks. But then again I am not around her 24/7 so I have to have trust in her and that I do as she always wants to be with me with all our free time.

 

I am going to take action next time a situation pops up like this and I will explain to her that I am not comfortable hanging out with this guy by himself. If he has a partner then maybe we can hang out as couples but not alone as someone posted earlier it feels like an orbiter and he is waiting on a chance to pounce on my girl. Yes if my girl wants to leave she can leave but I think I need to set my boundaries. Call it controlling or whatever but that is lame to say that as you are saying I should be OK with whatever my girlfriend does and should never speak up.

 

I do not thing my girlfriend would have any problems with me feeling this way.

[sunking101]

Hey it's not her fault that you were cheated on in your marriage, so why punish her for your insecurities. He hung out with you BOTH at YOUR house, 2 months ago (wow this has been eating at you for two months????) it's not like they are going out together one on one getting drinks or seeing a movie together. Just because they have parts that fit together doesn't mean sex is going to happen, just like you having a penis doesn't mean you are going out and rape someone. I don't think it's reasonable to make her cut off all contact with this guy, but I do see it being reasonable to have set boundaries, like no one one hanging out, or texting each other everyday, etc.

 

There are no guarantees when it comes to relationships. If they are going to cheat, they are going to cheat, REGARDLESS if they cut off all male friends, share passwords, let you inspect texts or monitoring social media.

 

That is of course true, but limit the options to cheat and the temptation to do so decreases massively. People can end up having emotional affairs, physical infidelity and at the very least adding significant strain to the relationship with their SO without ever intending to if they put themselves into situations that increase the likelihood of them straying.

[Gaeta]

I am going to take action next time a situation pops up like this and I will explain to her that I am not comfortable hanging out with this guy by himself. If he has a partner then maybe we can hang out as couples but not alone as someone posted earlier it feels like an orbiter and he is waiting on a chance to pounce on my girl. Yes if my girl wants to leave she can leave but I think I need to set my boundaries. Call it controlling or whatever but that is lame to say that as you are saying I should be OK with whatever my girlfriend does and should never speak up.

 

I do not thing my girlfriend would have any problems with me feeling this way.

 

If you think putting limitations to your girlfriend is going to keep her from cheating if her mind is set on cheating you still have a lot to learn.

[robert-zell]

I think the best way to improve relations that have been understanding it is a dialogue between you. Talk straight, it excites you and you hate it. If you cherish it, then listen to your words, but if you care about it, then in my opinion the best part.