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hoully81

By hoully81
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hoully81 Member

hoully81

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I have been dating this girl for like 1.5 years and a couple months ago she invited a male "friend" over to my house to hang out and have a couple drinks. No problem at the time. I am confident I am a better catch then this guy so it would be her loss if she picked him over that me for any reason.

 

My concern was I was going thru her pics on Facebook and she went to prom with this guy in high school. She has told me in the past she was having sex in high school and drinking after prom etc. Currently I live like 5 min from my girlfriend and this guy only lives like 2 min from her so it would be very easy for her to cheat if she wanted.

 

I was cheated on in my marriage so I am extremely cautious now of other men in my relationship as my ex cheated on me with a friend of like 10 years. I honestly do not think she is cheating on me but I feel like at one time they once somewhat liked each other or were banging each other regular who knows.

 

How should I handle this guy in future if she asks to hangout with him again. I would totally not feel comfortable with this guy in my presence with her there now that I know they went to prom together in high school. Should I ignore it like nothing happend or should I say I think hanging out with this guy is unacceptable as you were at the minimum rubbing uglies together at prom. lol

 

Also should I bring it up 2 months after it happend? or just wait until it comes up again?

BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

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Look you are not a kid. You do realize that what she is doing is not cool right?

 

He is an ex, and she has no business hanging around him no matter what.

 

If you did not learn all this in your last marriage, please learn it now.

 

It is totally ok to say, " Look I have a problem with this guy and I don't want you around him or him around our relationship". If she has a problem with it dump her A$$, that day.

 

Why do the younger guys feel like they have to take this crap form women, I will never understand it.

 

Now, all the younger people will say, "She is allowed to have male friends, you are crazy".

 

OK, just cruz the infidelity forum and you will find tons of cases where GF/Wife cheated with a "Good Male Friend".

 

Stand up for yourself and give her the boot if she gives you any trouble about it.

 

Good luck...

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hoully81 Member

hoully81

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So would it be different if she just met this guy and he was say a work friend that they had no past relationship?

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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ASK HER the questions you are dying to ask her and be done with it. Ask her if he is an ex boyfriend and if they were intimate.

 

Going to prom with someone does not mean you dated him or had sex with him. My daughter went to her prom with one of her best male friends and 10 years later yes they still hang out together as friends.

 

You also don't tell people, not even your girlfriend, what to do. She doesn't have to ask you permission to hang out with her friends. You let her be your girlfriend and if she conducts herself in ways you don't approve of than you change girlfriend. The rest is called 'control'.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Hey it's not her fault that you were cheated on in your marriage, so why punish her for your insecurities. He hung out with you BOTH at YOUR house, 2 months ago (wow this has been eating at you for two months????) it's not like they are going out together one on one getting drinks or seeing a movie together. Just because they have parts that fit together doesn't mean sex is going to happen, just like you having a penis doesn't mean you are going out and rape someone. I don't think it's reasonable to make her cut off all contact with this guy, but I do see it being reasonable to have set boundaries, like no one one hanging out, or texting each other everyday, etc.

 

There are no guarantees when it comes to relationships. If they are going to cheat, they are going to cheat, REGARDLESS if they cut off all male friends, share passwords, let you inspect texts or monitoring social media.

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BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

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So would it be different if she just met this guy and he was say a work friend that they had no past relationship?

 

Yes it would be different, but not better at all. Rule is that you don't put up with orbiters. Guys, from anywhere, that constantly orbit around your GF/Wife ever.

 

If this happens you dump if she gives you the "Male Friends" crap.

 

I know smackie9 and others hate this, But dude I am giving you the straight truth. Because this guy is an ex, (and I bet she has not really told you that they used to screw either), it makes it that much easier for her to sleep with him when you guys have a fight and she need comforting.

 

This happens all the time, ALL THE TIME!

 

Don't stand for it, and dump he if necessary.

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hoully81 Member

hoully81

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Hey it's not her fault that you were cheated on in your marriage, so why punish her for your insecurities. He hung out with you BOTH at YOUR house, 2 months ago (wow this has been eating at you for two months????) it's not like they are going out together one on one getting drinks or seeing a movie together. Just because they have parts that fit together doesn't mean sex is going to happen, just like you having a penis doesn't mean you are going out and rape someone. I don't think it's reasonable to make her cut off all contact with this guy, but I do see it being reasonable to have set boundaries, like no one one hanging out, or texting each other everyday, etc.

 

There are no guarantees when it comes to relationships. If they are going to cheat, they are going to cheat, REGARDLESS if they cut off all male friends, share passwords, let you inspect texts or monitoring social media.

 

This has not been eating at me for 2 months. It was not a problem at all. But I just seen a Facebook photo from years ago that they went to prom together feel a little awkward about the situation.

 

I guess I do not understand your point? So am I not supposed to be able to tell this girl that this makes me uncomfortable that a guy that was dancing with you and grabbing your ass at prom makes me uncomfortable? may be my girlfreind has good intentions and she has zero plans to get with this guy which is probably the case unless I totally mess something up. But I guess where do my feelings come into play? Are you saying I should just dump her now since I dont like this action she did?

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Yes it would be different, but not better at all. Rule is that you don't put up with orbiters. Guys, from anywhere, that constantly orbit around your GF/Wife ever.

 

If this happens you dump if she gives you the "Male Friends" crap.

 

 

The good old keep her home pregnant and bare-feet.

LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

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BluesPower hit the nail on the head. Trust your gut here. Tell her you have a problem with her hanging out with this guy. If she decides spending time with some guy from high school is more important than her relationship with you, that pretty much tells you all you need to know, doesn't it?

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I guess I do not understand your point? So am I not supposed to be able to tell this girl that this makes me uncomfortable that a guy that was dancing with you and grabbing your ass at prom makes me uncomfortable? may be my girlfreind has good intentions and she has zero plans to get with this guy which is probably the case unless I totally mess something up. But I guess where do my feelings come into play? Are you saying I should just dump her now since I dont like this action she did?

 

How many years are we talking about?

 

How old are you that you feel threatened by something that happened in high school ?

 

What else bothers you? men at the gym? the milk man? her brother in laws?

 

You sound paranoid to me.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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BluesPower hit the nail on the head. Trust your gut here. Tell her you have a problem with her hanging out with this guy. If she decides spending time with some guy from high school is more important than her relationship with you, that pretty much tells you all you need to know, doesn't it?

 

Absolutely not. If she refuses to obey by his demands it's because they're ridiculous demands. Now this and what's next?? Don't talk to male cashier at home depot?

LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

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Absolutely not. If she refuses to obey by his demands it's because they're ridiculous demands. Now this and what's next?? Don't talk to male cashier at home depot?

 

Ah yes, every woman's favorite defense in the face of having to get rid of her orbiters. Exaggerate the request to the extreme ("don't talk to male cashier") and claim the man is being controlling for not wanting her to spend time with guys she banged. Yeah, what a terrible boyfriend.

 

So I suppose if OP was visiting exes for drinks, that'd be fine?

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hoully81 Member

hoully81

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Absolutely not. If she refuses to obey by his demands it's because they're ridiculous demands. Now this and what's next?? Don't talk to male cashier at home depot?

 

Gaeta,

 

I think you are missing what I am saying. this happend 2 months ago and I knew it was a friend of hers and I didn't really care I was cautious of course. Last night I seen on her Facebook she went to prom with this guy in high school. I do not know more then that. So this is not the guy at home depot?

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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So I suppose if OP was visiting exes for drinks, that'd be fine?

 

But this is not the case here right? If his girlfriend was going out at night to have drinks with men, my reply would be different. Now we are talking about a friend from high school, who dropped by for a visit, we don't know if they ever dated, and this friend visited her in OP'S home.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Gaeta,

 

I think you are missing what I am saying. this happend 2 months ago and I knew it was a friend of hers and I didn't really care I was cautious of course. Last night I seen on her Facebook she went to prom with this guy in high school. I do not know more then that. So this is not the guy at home depot?

 

There is no guy at home depot lol

 

I was just telling the other poster he was ridiculous in suggesting you dictate your girlfriend who she can talk to or not.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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OP: You sure this has nothing to do with her being 25 and you being 10 years older? You feel threaten by a man her age?

 

You have been dating over 1,5 year. She has been wanting a full commitment and living with you, you're the one dragging your feet. Maybe you think she is getting tired of waiting after you?

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hoully81 Member

hoully81

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LD and Blues,

 

I get what you are saying very much so. Been there done that BS. But where do I draw the line and say if she is going to cheat she is going to cheat?

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hoully81 Member

hoully81

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OP: You sure this has nothing to do with her being 25 and you being 10 years older? You feel threaten by a man her age?

 

You have been dating over 1,5 year. She has been wanting a full commitment and living with you, you're the one dragging your feet. Maybe you think she is getting tired of waiting after you?

 

She does want to move in and progress our relationship but I have been holding off due to other reasons not on this post that we are trying to work on. Our relationship is good but there are other factors at play..She has a kid and I have 2 kids.

 

I am not threatened by this guy at all. He would be a huge step down from me. I know that sounds cocky but it really would be.

BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

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But, I will say that one of the few times my wife and I were supper happy is when she was barefoot and pregnant. Those were great years...

 

And BTW, OP, my wife had an affair with the biggest dork you ever saw, I put him in the hospital.

 

Also, it is not that she is or is not going to cheat, it is that the relationship is not appropriate for a woman in a relationship with you. And if you are thinking of marrying you need to sort this stuff out now. Because when the stress of marriage and maybe another kid comes along. After all that it is even easier for someone to cheat.

 

You don't have to believe me, I get that, I am just trying to save you some trouble...

Edited by BluesPower
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hoully81 Member

hoully81

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But, I will say that one of the few times my wife and I were supper happy is when she was barefoot and pregnant. Those were great years...

 

And BTW, OP, my wife had an affair with the biggest dork you ever saw, I put him in the hospital.

 

I see....My wife cheated on me and is still with the guy?

 

Gaeta...Where do you draw the line? If they were having sex in high school should I still be ok with it? (of course I wouldn't be)

BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

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I am guessing that you are female.

 

So you are cool if your SO has the other sex hanging around grooming and loving from afar?

 

You have got to be kidding me.

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hoully81 Member

hoully81

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I am guessing that you are female.

 

So you are cool if your SO has the other sex hanging around grooming and loving from afar?

 

You have got to be kidding me.

 

What?

 

I am a male. So your stance is outside of work and family she should have no contact with males?

central Established Member

central

Posted
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Do you trust her? That's the bottom line, really. I think a reasonable boundary is to be included when they get together, and for them not to meet alone unless it is in public. (At least until you have a better sense of both and feel you can trust them.)

 

 

I have friends who are former lovers, and occasionally invite them over to visit me and my wife. A couple are from out of town and have even visited for a week. My wife has a couple of friends who are former lovers, too. We've gone on vacation with one.

 

 

The boundaries are clear, as is the trust. If either are violated, we'll have a problem - and probably a break-up. Until then, we're good.

LD1990 Established Member

LD1990

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But this is not the case here right? If his girlfriend was going out at night to have drinks with men, my reply would be different. Now we are talking about a friend from high school, who dropped by for a visit, we don't know if they ever dated, and this friend visited her in OP'S home.

 

Oh, that's funny, so you can bring up ridiculous exaggerations like "what's next?? Don't talk to male cashier at home depot?" but when I flip that around you're telling me "this is not the case here."

 

And what do you mean, if his girlfriend was having drinks with men, your advice would be different? I thought that she didn't have to ask his permission to hang out with "friends"? He's supposed to let her hang out with whoever, whenever, because if not, he's controlling.

 

LD and Blues,

 

I get what you are saying very much so. Been there done that BS. But where do I draw the line and say if she is going to cheat she is going to cheat?

 

That's the risk you take in pretty much any relationship. I'd still say you tell her straight up you have a problem with her hanging out with this guy. Honestly, it shouldn't be a big deal for her to drop his ass. It's a guy from high school, if they're hanging out frequently, something's wrong to begin with. You're her boyfriend, you're bringing up a completely reasonable problem that you have, any response from her that's not "you're right" is a sign that she values this guy's "friendship" a little too much.

 

Now, she may just agree to stop hanging out with him, but then do it anyway. Again, it's the risk you take.

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