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Taking a Risk for my semi new boyfriend and I'm getting worried!

Fidget240

By Fidget240
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Fidget240 New Member

Fidget240

Posted
Posted

Hi guys!

 

I need some advice on my situation, I'll try and be super brief.

 

So I've been dating this guy, lets call him x for nearly a year (around 10months) and we gel really well. I enjoy he's company and we spend a lot of time together. I love him very much.

 

However, he's been living in my home town for the past 6ish years studying a degree and working. He's since finished and is ready to head home. He's asked me to come back with him. At first I was super excited and so happy that he asked, since the outcome of that particular conversation was plaguing me and I was so relieved he felt the same way :)

 

But now that the date of the move is coming closer, I'm starting to get worried/ cold feet. Its a relatively low risk move for him since he has family and friends there and a beautiful separate dwelling on his parents house to live while he sorts out a job and finances. He's asked me to stay with him for the first 6ish months (I don't want to impose on his family).

 

I'm scared, I'm halfway through a degree in my home town that I work hard at. If I move, I'll have to transfer. I want to get into a nice uni of the same standard that I'm currently attending which might be unlikely if my grades are anything to go by. My gpa is average and I'm scared the only uni I'll be able to get into will be terrible with a bad rep, and it will take me 1-2 years to complete the last leg, so I'd be committing long term. I'll miss my family and my friends whom I've built over such a long time. If I move to this new town, I'll have no family, no friends and potentially be in a uni I don't like. Yet I love him and I'm usually all for taking chances, but I feel like I'm taking a lot and he's taking none. If we decide to break up 6 months down the track, I'll be screwed and that terrifies me!

 

So should I take a chance on a guy that could potentially be my long term partner or do I beg in to stay in my hometown? (very unlikely to happen). I want to reiterate that this is guy is an absolute gem, and is probably very aware of my position. However I'm scared to tell him of my woes because I know it'll put pressure on him to be there for me and potentially stick around out of obligation (if you know what I mean). So what do I do??

 

Am I just worrying for the sake of worrying??

  • Like 1
angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

Posted
Posted

You're in the midst of your university experience. I realize that six months into dating this guy, you think this is the love of your life, but I assure you that is unlikely to be the case. The likelihood of things surviving a year beyond graduation is very low.

 

He's doing what's best for him and his life. You should too. Stay in your current school. Don't transfer. Date long-distance. If it is meant to be, the relationship will survive the period of the LDR.

  • Like 8
Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

Posted
Posted (edited)

He's asking you to relocate but only wants to live with you for 6 months max? Sorry that is the first red flag I'm seeing. If you guys aren't ready to live together as a couple then why would you uproot your whole life for it?

 

You are right, the move is low risk for him because he's finished his degree and has a place to stay etc. Not only that but it sound like there is no real impetus for him to move, he's just decided to do that without consideration of the relationship. Which is fine, but it seems like a 'come if you want' offer rather than a deeper commitment to the relationship. Nice that he asked you to move but you've got to consider your own options here. If it's not ideal then you need to communicate that and why and maybe even accept that you both aren't ready for that kind of commitment.

Edited by Buddhist
  • Like 6
Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

No, don't do it. Finish up your degree FIRST, be in a LDR if you must stay with this guy... and then if the two of you are still together after you have graduated, you can consider relocating.

 

Frankly, though, I'm very concerned that he asked you to move with him given that he KNOWS you are halfway through a degree. IMO nobody who actually cares about their partner would even so much as suggest such a thing. To me, it sounds like he's just thinking about himself and giving you and your relationship no consideration. I don't think anyone should waste 2 years of their degree regardless of who they are with, but wasting it for someone like this is just completely disastrous.

  • Like 5
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
Hi guys!

 

I need some advice on my situation, I'll try and be super brief.

 

So I've been dating this guy, lets call him x for nearly a year (around 10months) and we gel really well. I enjoy he's company and we spend a lot of time together. I love him very much.

 

However, he's been living in my home town for the past 6ish years studying a degree and working. He's since finished and is ready to head home. He's asked me to come back with him. At first I was super excited and so happy that he asked, since the outcome of that particular conversation was plaguing me and I was so relieved he felt the same way :)

 

But now that the date of the move is coming closer, I'm starting to get worried/ cold feet. Its a relatively low risk move for him since he has family and friends there and a beautiful separate dwelling on his parents house to live while he sorts out a job and finances. He's asked me to stay with him for the first 6ish months (I don't want to impose on his family).

 

I'm scared, I'm halfway through a degree in my home town that I work hard at. If I move, I'll have to transfer. I want to get into a nice uni of the same standard that I'm currently attending which might be unlikely if my grades are anything to go by. My gpa is average and I'm scared the only uni I'll be able to get into will be terrible with a bad rep, and it will take me 1-2 years to complete the last leg, so I'd be committing long term. I'll miss my family and my friends whom I've built over such a long time. If I move to this new town, I'll have no family, no friends and potentially be in a uni I don't like. Yet I love him and I'm usually all for taking chances, but I feel like I'm taking a lot and he's taking none. If we decide to break up 6 months down the track, I'll be screwed and that terrifies me!

 

So should I take a chance on a guy that could potentially be my long term partner or do I beg in to stay in my hometown? (very unlikely to happen). I want to reiterate that this is guy is an absolute gem, and is probably very aware of my position. However I'm scared to tell him of my woes because I know it'll put pressure on him to be there for me and potentially stick around out of obligation (if you know what I mean). So what do I do??

 

Am I just worrying for the sake of worrying??

 

I'm scared to tell him of my woes because I know it'll put pressure on him to be there for me and potentially stick around out of obligation -- That is for him and only him to decide for himself. You don't avoid difficult conversations with the thought of managing someone else's reaction, response, etc.

 

Are you worried about him sticking around for you out of obligation? Or are you more worried about him not sticking around at all?

 

You need to decide what to do based on what's best for YOU period based on the goals you established for yourself before this guy came into the picture.

 

potentially be my long term partner -- I wouldn't alter or compromise my goals, plans, or move for a guy who only has the potential to be my long-term partner and for a guy I've only known 10 months. That's not a long time in the scheme of things. If this guy asked you to marry him, I might suggest a more serious consideration of all this.

 

You need to have this conversation with him though. If he is going to be a long-term partner, you need to be able to have serious, possibly life altering conversations with him. This would not be the only time something difficult needs to be dealt with . . .

 

If you are seriously concerned that he will stick around out of "obligation", then you simply need to make your own decision and tell him what you are going to do and make it so that he doesn't feel pressured.

anthonyflame Member

anthonyflame

Posted
Posted

Come on yo finish your degree at the school you're at now. That's pretty clear. Everything else including this guy needs to be put on hold.

 

If this guy really was something worth risking your good education for then he'd at least be more understanding and be willing to move in with you (for more than 6 months). I have friends that are in their 20s and decided to move in together for the sake of expenses while dating for less than a year.

 

My real advice is talk to him about your woes and be honest. Maybe he'll be willing to work things through better than you're imagining

  • Like 2
MJJean Established Member

MJJean

Posted
Posted

So, he's asked you to come stay with him at his parents (seperate dwelling or not, it's still his parents) for about 6-ish months, uprooting your entire life and putting your education and future prospects at risk? Yeah, no.

 

Date long distance, see where it goes. My answer would be different if you were a serious couple who had firm plans to marry, but without that level of commitment I wouldn't risk it.

  • Like 2
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

DO NOT DO THIS.

 

Stay at home and finish your degree.

  • Like 4
Lagata Member

Lagata

Posted
Posted

Heyy, you went to school for a reason, right? You want to succeed. And if he loves you, he'll also want you to succeed.

 

Don't uproot your life if it risks your success and happiness. I know he makes you happy too, however distance doesn't mean the end of a relationship, if you both want it to work. I'm not sure how far away he will go; I might've missed that in the original post. However, LDRs can and do work as long as both parties are willing to compromise and make sacrifices in the name of love and happiness with one another. Some people can last months, some can successfully last years.

 

I would have a talk with him, about your fears and hopes along with his. And then I would discuss what your long term goals are despite his moving. Hopefully he is willing to try and make it work. To some, distance makes the heart grow fonder. I wish you both luck. :)

  • Like 2
Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

Posted
Posted

I wouldn't do it unless you are happy with what it would mean even if things didn't work out. I don't get the sense you would be happy with your life in the case it didn't work out.

 

FWIW I felt the same about a guy in college. By 2 years in I was happy to be rid of him. His treatment of me completely changed after the first year of living together.

  • Like 1
Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

Posted
Posted (edited)

He wants you to move there but then he's kicking you out after six months?????

 

No.

 

You need to be the one kicking - kicking this guy's butt to the curb.

 

I'm all for young love (married my high school sweetheart), but I don't like this "rule" of his.

 

If his parents want you out after six months, he would be thinking of finding a place for the both of you . (If he was worth it. For real...semi-boyfriend???)

 

You should not move for this guy.

 

.

Edited by Quiet Storm
  • Like 4
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
You're in the midst of your university experience. I realize that six months into dating this guy, you think this is the love of your life, but I assure you that is unlikely to be the case. The likelihood of things surviving a year beyond graduation is very low.

 

He's doing what's best for him and his life. You should too. Stay in your current school. Don't transfer. Date long-distance. If it is meant to be, the relationship will survive the period of the LDR.

 

Exactly,

 

Let him sort himself out. He isn't ready to take on a woman if he still has the umbilical cord attached to his parents.

 

What's the matter with guys now a days? They feel entitled to all the "perks" that come with being an independent adult (sex, stuff, companionship, even kids) - yet, don't see where they have to first earn those perks.

 

There was a time that a guy couldn't even ask a woman on a date if he didn't go through her father - who was checking out dude to make sure he had his stuff together. Now, guys are like, come and sleep on my parent's couch with me cuz while I'm still going to school, pursuing a career/job, and have no assets to my name, I still need a woman to stand by me in all of this...

 

NOT

 

No pay, no play.

 

He will never become a man if you play along. Let him earn the right to a woman and/or a family of his own.

 

I watch my neighbors...young couples. They dote on their parents for so much. They dote on them for daycare of their kid and to help pay their rent, car note, etc. They have no shame. But, they are quick to walk around with their badge of honor of title of "mom/dad", "husband/wife" :rolleyes:. All they are is moochers who want what they want, yet won't work for it. They believe they are entitled to new cars, kids, etc. - when they were never ready for it...but somehow think it's their parent's problem to assist them with what they want. Don't be another one of these young, ignorant couples. They have no shame.

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted (edited)
I wouldn't do it unless you are happy with what it would mean even if things didn't work out. I don't get the sense you would be happy with your life in the case it didn't work out.

 

FWIW I felt the same about a guy in college. By 2 years in I was happy to be rid of him. His treatment of me completely changed after the first year of living together.

 

Exactly, if you're moving to his area and will have your own job, place, reason to be there besides him...then yea, maybe give him a chance, but don't ever move in with his parents.

 

But, don't uproot yourself just because of some guy. He won't respect you for not having to earn you and you'll loose so much if it doesn't work out.

 

I mean, it's one thing for him to get help from his family, cuz hello, family's there to support each other. It's another animal to dote on your parents, be dependent on them, and/or have no desire to cut off that umbilical cord. Don't get caught up in that.

Edited by Gloria25
  • Like 2
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

I can already tell that you shouldn't move with him. He alone is not enough. It's not worth giving up everything for him. You'd likely become too reliant on him for companionship and want more time and attention than he'll have because you have no one else around.

  • Like 1
BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

No way. I would not move to be with someone unless we were married or, at the very least, engaged with a wedding date set. I've seen too many threads on this board where someone moved for a guy/gal, and they broke up with them later on.

 

Unless you are at a point where the move benefits you, and you have the means to financially extricate yourself from the situation if it doesn't work out, no. You are in the middle of a degree and probably not financially stable.

  • Like 1
Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

Posted
Posted
I can already tell that you shouldn't move with him. He alone is not enough. It's not worth giving up everything for him. You'd likely become too reliant on him for companionship and want more time and attention than he'll have because you have no one else around.

 

I totally agree with this. When I was young I agreed to move in with a BF I didn't know too well in a city about an hour away. I didn't like living there and did it for him. Then I gave the relationship way too many chances because I didn't want to have to do the work (i.e., job, apartment, etc.) to set up life back in my old city.

  • Like 1
turnera Established Member

turnera

Posted
Posted
Hi guys!

 

I need some advice on my situation, I'll try and be super brief.

 

So I've been dating this guy, lets call him x for nearly a year (around 10months) and we gel really well. I enjoy he's company and we spend a lot of time together. I love him very much.

 

However, he's been living in my home town for the past 6ish years studying a degree and working. He's since finished and is ready to head home. He's asked me to come back with him. At first I was super excited and so happy that he asked, since the outcome of that particular conversation was plaguing me and I was so relieved he felt the same way :)

 

But now that the date of the move is coming closer, I'm starting to get worried/ cold feet. Its a relatively low risk move for him since he has family and friends there and a beautiful separate dwelling on his parents house to live while he sorts out a job and finances. He's asked me to stay with him for the first 6ish months (I don't want to impose on his family).

 

I'm scared, I'm halfway through a degree in my home town that I work hard at. If I move, I'll have to transfer. I want to get into a nice uni of the same standard that I'm currently attending which might be unlikely if my grades are anything to go by. My gpa is average and I'm scared the only uni I'll be able to get into will be terrible with a bad rep, and it will take me 1-2 years to complete the last leg, so I'd be committing long term. I'll miss my family and my friends whom I've built over such a long time. If I move to this new town, I'll have no family, no friends and potentially be in a uni I don't like. Yet I love him and I'm usually all for taking chances, but I feel like I'm taking a lot and he's taking none. If we decide to break up 6 months down the track, I'll be screwed and that terrifies me!

 

So should I take a chance on a guy that could potentially be my long term partner or do I beg in to stay in my hometown? (very unlikely to happen). I want to reiterate that this is guy is an absolute gem, and is probably very aware of my position. However I'm scared to tell him of my woes because I know it'll put pressure on him to be there for me and potentially stick around out of obligation (if you know what I mean). So what do I do??

 

Am I just worrying for the sake of worrying??

Beyoncé - Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) - Youtube On Repeat

turnera Established Member

turnera

Posted
Posted

fwiw, here's what I taught my DD26. Which she followed and is now quite happy with a fiance, timed just right:

 

have fun in high school because no guy is going to be in the picture 5 years from now.

 

In college, date lots of guys to see who's a good fit for you, but don't get serious; who knows where either of you is going to end up? And who has to give up their career to move to the other one's town?

 

After college, start dating seriously, see what's a good fit and which one you can date without giving up YOUR dream. If the other expects you to give up where YOU want to work and live, why? Ask yourself: why?

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted
I totally agree with this. When I was young I agreed to move in with a BF I didn't know too well in a city about an hour away. I didn't like living there and did it for him. Then I gave the relationship way too many chances because I didn't want to have to do the work (i.e., job, apartment, etc.) to set up life back in my old city.

 

Yeah, you get stuck. It's easier if you have a lot of money and resources or a job you can do from anywhere so you can travel a lot or pick up and leave whenever you get sick of it. It's a bad deal if you don't have money.

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