So bloody complicated..

[Lagata]

First of all, Hello to anyone willing to have a good read. It's a novel; Please prepare yourselves!

 

I was a little reluctant to post my situation in a forum of all places, however I have been chasing my tail and unsure of what I should do or how to proceed further in a.. Kind of, sort of relationship. I also feel that I have either been receiving mixed signals that further confuse me or I am simply blowing the situation out of proportion and also blowing my own chances. Here we go.

 

I've known this man for over ten years.. We were never close in a best friend sense, however we'd known each other since high school. We used to talk and hang out, and when he left we stayed in contact every now and again. If he came into town, we would arrange to meet and catch up. Everything up until this point was fairly casual.

 

Fast forward to.. July of this year? He had been living very far away and we hadn't seen or spoken in some time. He had quickly married a year or two back, and then just as quickly divorced and moved away from her. I wasn't invested at all and therefore this didn't matter very much to me at the time; she had even friended me on fb when they were still together though we never talked and still don't. Anyway. After his divorce he moved closer to me and we both suggested meeting up again, to catch up. We would see each other and visit old haunts, he'd tell me about his life and what he'd been doing. He lives a few hours away and we'd both make time to drive and visit one another, and every visit was an adventure that lasted all day.

 

Forward to August. Things get fairly intense during this month. We begin hanging out quite often. He invited me to his place, he even cooked for me. We flirted an awful lot and we both enjoyed the time spent over the weekend. This happened twice in August and the second time, It got heavy. I'm not into FWB, and i'm not into one night stands. I've been burned in the past and I sort of long to have some sort of genuine relationship or even just a title before I go hopping into bed with someone.

 

So I told him it wasn't the right time and he wished me a goodnight and went to sleep upstairs. No pressure, although he did invite me up before he went to bed. I wasn't feeling it because I knew if I went up there I wouldn't be able to control myself. The next day though, things were cool. Same comfort with one another, although he did apologize for it getting so heavy, to which I replied not to be sorry because I enjoyed it, it just wasn't the right time. We ended up play boxing, making out and watching the stars that night, and nothing more.

 

This man.. He's so intelligent, he's handsome and sweet, and we feel incredibly comfortable around each other whenever we're together. He's been honest to me about whatever question i've asked him. He and I had a talk about relationships and long story short, he told me he could see us becoming something more but it would have to come naturally, because his last relationship ended up a failed marriage because he'd jumped in too soon. He also feared losing my friendship because we were so close, but said it was definitely possible for us to progress. He also said since he's known me for so long he'd be extra careful to make things work. This talk happened shortly after the august incident. Okay, I don't mind waiting until he's ready and seeing where this goes..

 

Lately though, his ex has been sending him many, many pictures of his previous life with her, and of his pets (who consequently live with her) through text and social media. My friends who I have talked with about this have feared that she is using his pets(his "kids", they are literally his babies) as a sort of attachment tool to keep him hooked on an emotional level. She constantly tags him in things with little heart emoticons and tries to interject into his daily life, however if he mentions doing something on his own, with his friends or of me at all on social media she is completely stagnant or posts her own emotionally distraught posts as if she's now having a terrible day and needs support. I don't know if he sees it, but I do, and it happens like clockwork. It angers me. (I even found out, from him, that she texted him and asked if we had hooked up! That isn't her business!!)

 

I have previously asked him why things ended with his ex and he told me he wasn't able to be himself, he wasn't happy, he didn't smile much, it was just too fast, and he had to deal with her having a bout of substance abuse, and all of this he couldn't handle and she just wasn't the right one. But now, I am conflicted. My inner green monster is telling me he's investing himself into her again; they are still incredibly close in terms of contact. I am afraid that I am losing my chance everytime she brings up their history together or she posts a load of pictures of his dogs captioned "We miss you sooo much!" and he responds with heart emoticons and "I miss you too!", and I don't know how to keep these paranoid feelings at bay. It's hard when you're forced to see that on an almost daily basis.

 

He's been fairly distant this month. In august we texted every day, likely over 200 times a day, about everything and nothing. we constantly flirted, too. He'd be the one to make plans to see me and he'd follow through. Now, it just feels.. Sort of one-sided. He hasn't made plans, and when I ask him what he is doing on my days off, he tells me he is very busy with homework or classes, and maybe we can catch up another time, or "soon", and not following through with a time, or day, or decade.

 

He's told me that school has a lot to do with it. He's incredibly busy weekly with classes and I work mostly weekends so truthfully, it is hard to find time for either of our schedules to co-mingle. For me, I tell him school is his priority because I want to see him succeed and I remind him how proud I am that he is so dedicated, and it's true. It makes me happy to hear how enthralled he is with his classes and his plans for the future, and he seems really elevated when I am so happy for him in this aspect. He's also done very sweet things too, though, like cancel his day's plans to go driving with me or taking me on a daytrip into the city to explore and enjoy the day, just because. It is confusing, but I try to rationalize that his recent business is because of school. I just still cannot help but wonder in his absence of texting or seeing me, though, if he is communicating with his ex instead.

 

I want to trust him because he has never lied to me before. He generally tells me his plans even when I don't ask for them, which is why I don't want to ask him about it because that would negate my trust, and I want to trust what he tells me.

 

It just seems like right after he comes on to me confides in me that he really likes me and wants to see where we'll go, he decreases contact with me and increases communication with his ex wife. I am confused, because whenever we see each other in person, he draws me closer into his past and current life. He tells me and shows me where he grew up, what his family life was like, where he went to school, and why he enjoys the things he does. He kisses me passionately, and we enjoy our time together in each other's company, holding hands and chatting about little things.

 

I love listening to his stories. I love learning more about him. These sort of situations caused me to begin falling for him in the first place. And then getting the confirmation that he was interested in me too sent me up into space. But my paranoia over his ex and her vice grip spirals me back down to earth. I am afraid if I don't step up my game i'm going to lose him, or he'll lose interest in me. It seems like we don't see each other enough for him to stay interested, because of the distance and our conflicting schedules.

 

I sort of wonder, had I slept with him the day he invited me upstairs in August, would things be different now? But at the very same time, I value myself more than that. I know what I want. Even if it's just considered casually dating, I want him to up and say we are dating before I give him complete access to my body. He's brought up interjections in conversations before like "I mean, it's not like we're dating.." as well as "Several people think we're dating.." Confusion much? Why bring it up so much if you won't just say it? Is he testing me? We both have flaws and issues. He fears fast paced commitment and I fear being used and lied to because these things are very real and raw for us. Not the best mix unless you can trust one another completely and communicate. But i've noticed men tend not to communicate as much as women, and I don't want to set him off with a "Hey, I really don't trust your ex wife, so can you tell her to back off if you want to be with me?" They are still close. And he says it is because he does care for her and her wellbeing but he isn't attracted to her in that way anymore. I want to believe him, but it is hard considering where they've been. I want to trust him.. But it's hard.

 

I would like to think he'd tell me if he was still hung up on his ex. but at this point, I am not sure he'd mention that unless I asked as we are not committed in any way yet. I don't know what to do or what to say. I asked him if he was busy on his birthday which is next month, and he said he had classes so I suggested allowing me to take him out to dinner that night. he responded saying that would be great, and would be awesome for me to come by.

 

I'm going to take him anywhere he wants to go and treat him, as he's done that for me in the past. I feel like asking him that night where he wants me to be or what he wants me to do because i'm so confused, but I also don't want to spoil his birthday, and quite frankly i'm a little afraid of the answer i'll get. I convinced myself that I was gonna step it up on his birthday but I really don't want to risk being crushed again if it turns out all he wanted was a good screw and I don't want to pressure/rush it if that's not what he wants. He told me once to pace myself, and so I keep repeating that phrase in my head in fear that I am overstepping my bounds.

 

My one goal, right now, is just to try and be in a relationship with him. Just to try it out! I don't want to keep telling people "Yeah, he's my.. ehm.. kinda sorta friend, I mean it's physical and we're both into each other intellectually but he's not ready to call me his girlfriend because his last relationship sucked so.. we're just sort of.. yeah." I don't really care about labels, but i'd like to think that if he cared enough about me, he'd be willing to call me his girlfriend if he was interested in me.

 

I guess in all honesty, my questions would be

1) Should I pursue this.. whatever this is? If not(or so), why do you feel this way?

2) Should I worry about his ex wife, or ignore her?

3) Should I ask him about his ex, or should I trust him and swallow my jealousy/fear?

4) What is a good way to ignore or cast aside anxiety, fear and doubt if you truly wish to trust someone?

5) If you were to go visit a potential significant other on their birthday, in the evening, what would you do to make it awesome?

 

If y'all have any respectful questions that might help you better understand the situation, feel free to ask. I'm not looking for Dr. Phil, however I am looking for some respectful, unbiased opinions. I'm hoping to get a few different angles to help ease my mind, because right now, i'm going crazy!

 

Sincerely,

La Gata

[Gaeta]

 

I guess in all honesty, my questions would be

1) Should I pursue this.. whatever this is? If not(or so), why do you feel this way?

2) Should I worry about his ex wife, or ignore her?

3) Should I ask him about his ex, or should I trust him and swallow my jealousy/fear?

4) What is a good way to ignore or cast aside anxiety, fear and doubt if you truly wish to trust someone?

5) If you were to go visit a potential significant other on their birthday, in the evening, what would you do to make it awesome?

 

Hello La Gata, how long ago did he divorce his ex?

 

1) Personally I would not pursue this. It's obvious (to me as an outsider) that he got thrilled at first but now that it's hitting 2-3 months the new-car smell is fading away. 2-3 months is about the time people need to figure out if it was just a fun few weeks or if they want to take this further. Like you said he decreased his communication with you and increased his communication with his ex, I think he is having a change of heart and you should not ignore the signs.

 

2) No, do not ignore what is right under your nose.

 

3) Do not offer your trust to a man until you are in an exclusive relationship. Like you said you 2 are not a thing so he doesn't owe you loyalty. Do not expect him to not date around. When someone say they want to take things slow it's usually not good news. It's A) they are still hung up on their ex B) They have an interest in someone else.

 

4) See 3. Please do not give your trust to someone you are not in an exclusive relationship with.

 

5) Don't make it awesome, he does not deserve awesome yet. You are 5 steps ahead of him. He may be dating around, may be still seeing the ex, maybe considering returning with the ex...still want to make it awesome? No. Make it nice but not awesome. Bake him a cake and bring him a little something. No more than that.

 

You made a comment in your post that you are wondering if you should step up your game to not lose him. I think HE should step up HIS game if he doesn't want to lose you. Do not chase after him. If he is not in-your-face with wanting to date you then he is not worth your time.

[katiegrl]

 

You made a comment in your post that you are wondering if you should step up your game to not lose him. I think HE should step up HIS game if he doesn't want to lose you. Do not chase after him. If he is not in-your-face with wanting to date you then he is not worth your time.

 

AMEN girlfriend!

[MJJean]

Do both of you a favor, tell him that you are stepping back as it is obvious to you he is still emotionally invested in his ex wife and hasn't attained the proper distance from her and their marriage as evidenced by his level of contact with her. Tell him that you are, by far, not the only woman that will pass him up because of this, you're just the one willing to tell him why. Feel free to add that he is welcome to contact you when he has finally moved on from that relationship.

[Gloria25]

Hello La Gata, how long ago did he divorce his ex?

 

1) Personally I would not pursue this. It's obvious (to me as an outsider) that he got thrilled at first but now that it's hitting 2-3 months the new-car smell is fading away. 2-3 months is about the time people need to figure out if it was just a fun few weeks or if they want to take this further. Like you said he decreased his communication with you and increased his communication with his ex, I think he is having a change of heart and you should not ignore the signs.

 

2) No, do not ignore what is right under your nose.

 

3) Do not offer your trust to a man until you are in an exclusive relationship. Like you said you 2 are not a thing so he doesn't owe you loyalty. Do not expect him to not date around. When someone say they want to take things slow it's usually not good news. It's A) they are still hung up on their ex B) They have an interest in someone else.

 

4) See 3. Please do not give your trust to someone you are not in an exclusive relationship with.

 

5) Don't make it awesome, he does not deserve awesome yet. You are 5 steps ahead of him. He may be dating around, may be still seeing the ex, maybe considering returning with the ex...still want to make it awesome? No. Make it nice but not awesome. Bake him a cake and bring him a little something. No more than that.

 

You made a comment in your post that you are wondering if you should step up your game to not lose him. I think HE should step up HIS game if he doesn't want to lose you. Do not chase after him. If he is not in-your-face with wanting to date you then he is not worth your time.

 

Purrrrrfect ^^

 

Leave him alone so him and his ex can exchange messages on social media all the live long day. If he gives a hoot, he will pursue you.

[Lagata]

Gaeta- Thank you for your thorough response. I suppose I ought to be less scatter brained and more factual!

 

He was married to his ex for less than a year, I believe. The marriage ended last year, I believe it was june or july, on his terms. He ended it with her, and moved away soon after. I suppose this is why I am more suspect of his ex trying to pursue him once more, because perhaps she is the one who isn't over him and is angry at the way things ended up. They are essentially an ocean away, however.

 

The thing I fear most is actually because she owns his dogs. He is quite obsessed with them, which isn't a bad thing at all! I think it really shows his caring side. However he claims he cannot take them as she has told him they are her "therapy dogs". Much of their contact is compromised of dog pictures, and he shows them to me when i'm around without hesitation or even my asking. So perhaps he isn't over her, or perhaps he just feels sorry for her. Or perhaps he just wants to keep on her good side for the sake of being able to visually see his "kids". I don't have the answers and I am trying my hardest not to speculate and to give him the benefit of the doubt, because above everything else he is my friend, and has been completely upfront and honest to me thus far.

 

Also, the time we've spent together in any sort of active romantic scenario has been about a month only, perhaps even less. It lighted up pretty quickly and seemingly out of nowhere. The timing could be a factor as to why he is less communicative and we've dimmed into a flicker. I am not trying to make excuses for him, however I did notice much of the contact decreased right around the time he started his courses. Before then, he texted me quite often and included me in his day's adventures and I reciprocated. I'm the kind of person who is afraid of bothering someone so I generally am not the first to text or contact, however when I do he never seems to mind it. We don't call each other, but he isn't very big on calling. He prefers face to face or texting.

 

He does initiate contact still, it is just considerably less than it used to be. And I have no right to suspect any wrong doing, other than the blatantly public transfers of messages and comments through social media. but I can be jealous and I can be paranoid about things that only exist in my head, which is why i'm so desperate for outside advice. I don't want to be jealous. Jealousy is a terrible thing and it can ruin a potentially good thing.

 

I will say just recently, in late august, he surprised me with a rail ticket, and we spent the day in the city. He showed me where he lived, we talked about the past, present and it just felt so nice to be in his company. We spent the next two days driving back and forth to see each other and each time we shared some amazing moments together.

 

I may be in denial, however there is a lot about his own past I don't mention out of respect for him. He has been through a lot. I do believe he is truly afraid of rushing too quickly into something and I don't mind a slower pace, that isn't what bothers me. I do however mind not knowing what I am to him. I mind wondering if I am his girlfriend or ever will be.. These questions cut at me because it's happened before where I thought I was something and it turned out I was nothing. I don't want that to happen again. I want to confront him but I don't want to upset him. Communication is key in any healthy relationship, but I don't even know if what I have is considered a relationship. Who am I to ask him, you know? If we aren't even an item?

 

Thank you all so much for your supportive replies. I honestly would like to try and resolve this somehow. You are right, he should step up his game. However there are so many things he's done for me already that the average guy probably wouldn't. I mean, who cooks for just a friend? Who takes them out to dinner, or cancels a full day's plans just to be in each other's company without trying to illicit for sex? For me these little things are incredibly touching, and they signify something is there that isn't just my imagination. And he is a good guy.. He isn't a player, he doesn't hook up with girls, and he's extremely respectful toward those he meets. He's got flaws, but I do too, and in my eyes he's fairly close to being a perfect gentleman.

 

However, it seems like he is so reluctant to label me. The reason for that, I don't know. But in order for me to feel comfortable; I need that. I need to be in that position, because I don't want to be hung out to dry or walked on like i've been in the past. I see potential staring me in the face, but I am afraid. Fear has also prevented me from being happy in the past, which is why i'm so determined to try to make this work now. If you don't try, how will you know?

[bolase]

I understand that you want this to work and you're turning over every little facet of this in your head to figure out why you don't feel sure. I've been there. But as other people have said, if he was truly into it and wanted a relationship with you right now, he'd be all over it. You haven't done anything wrong so please don't blame yourself. He's just not into it.

 

With a guy like this you will always be anxious and not quite happy, worried about what he's thinking and whether he's ever going to get serious about you..and how you compare to his ex .. Because he's doing nothing to allay this and he's not going to.

 

If you move on from this and accept that the situation isn't working out for you, I guarantee you will meet better boyfriend potentials!

Edited September 15, 2016 by bolase

[Gaeta]

He was married to his ex for less than a year, I believe. The marriage ended last year, I believe it was june or july, on his terms. He ended it with her, and moved away soon after. I suppose this is why I am more suspect of his ex trying to pursue him once more, because perhaps she is the one who isn't over him and is angry at the way things ended up. They are essentially an ocean away, however.

But how long were they together? Sometimes couples are together years and get married after 6-7 years. I would not bet on him being over her.

 

The thing I fear most is actually because she owns his dogs. He is quite obsessed with them, which isn't a bad thing at all! I think it really shows his caring side. However he claims he cannot take them as she has told him they are her "therapy dogs". Much of their contact is compromised of dog pictures, and he shows them to me when i'm around without hesitation or even my asking. So perhaps he isn't over her, or perhaps he just feels sorry for her.

 

I understand about being emotionally attached to dogs. My avatar is a witness of that. I understand a couple of months transitions getting used to the dogs not being in his daily life but after a full year it's enough. Dogs can live up to 14-15 years, is this charade gonna continue for as long? The dogs are with her now, they are well treated, it's time to move on from the ex and the dogs.

 

I feel they are BOTH using the dogs to not leg go of each other.

 

I am not trying to make excuses for him, however I did notice much of the contact decreased right around the time he started his courses. Before then, he texted me quite often and included me in his day's adventures and I reciprocated.

I am afraid that you are making excuses. The first months of dating are suppose to be very exciting and both people would move mountains to have a moment together. We are all busy, we all have jobs, kids, or school and homework, traffic to deal with, errands, family, health issues, name it. He may be busy but I am sure he is less busy than the President of the US and even him find time to speak to Michelle.

 

He does initiate contact still, it is just considerably less than it used to be. And I have no right to suspect any wrong doing, other than the blatantly public transfers of messages and comments through social media. but I can be jealous and I can be paranoid about things that only exist in my head, which is why i'm so desperate for outside advice. I don't want to be jealous. Jealousy is a terrible thing and it can ruin a potentially good thing.

Here is the best piece of advice I have for you. Do NOT put your feelings and energy in a man that makes you feel anxious, jealous, doubtful, insecure or in any other kind of emotional distress. That means he is not into you as much as you're into him. A man that has you as his main interest will give you no reason to feel anxiety. You feel this way because your instinct, your feminine 6th sense is telling you something is off and you should listen to it.

 

I will say just recently, in late august, he surprised me with a rail ticket, and we spent the day in the city. He showed me where he lived, we talked about the past, present and it just felt so nice to be in his company.

Again, I am sorry to rain on your parade. That means nothing. I had one night stands with men who pored their heart to me, talked about their childhood happy or tragic and went deep into details. Do not see this as a bounding experience. What matters are his actions and what he said.

 

Remember he said: you are not dating, and he said he wanted to take things slow. That makes you <not dating> with an uncertain future.

 

I may be in denial, however there is a lot about his own past I don't mention out of respect for him. He has been through a lot. I do believe he is truly afraid of rushing too quickly into something and I don't mind a slower pace,

Again excuses. Then let him figure himself out. You are not his priest or therapist. Do not offer yourself as a rebound girl, or some type of transition girl. Men never keeps these women for long term. They use you to fill a void while they're in transition and once they're back on their feet it's not you they start a life with. I assure you.

 

Him having gone through a lot is not unique to him. Being cheated on, being abandoned, being used, we all have experienced that if we are above 30 yo.

 

Thank you all so much for your supportive replies. I honestly would like to try and resolve this somehow. You are right, he should step up his game. However there are so many things he's done for me already that the average guy probably wouldn't. I mean, who cooks for just a friend? Who takes them out to dinner, or cancels a full day's plans just to be in each other's company without trying to illicit for sex? For me these little things are incredibly touching, and they signify something is there that isn't just my imagination. And he is a good guy.. He isn't a player, he doesn't hook up with girls, and he's extremely respectful toward those he meets. He's got flaws, but I do too, and in my eyes he's fairly close to being a perfect gentleman.

Well I do. I cook for my friends and they cook for me. You are putting a romantic spin on something he does <just to fill the void>.

 

Reminds me of a man I dated for a few weeks. He literally swept me of my feet. He cooked for me, took me out, wanted to spend his every moment with me. No sex by the way. Then suddenly he told me all of his butterflies were gone! Just like that POOF, gone. It happens. It happens when you're just there to fill the void, that what I did for him, I filled a void for a while then he realized he was not ready to commit.

 

Just like your guy is not ready to commit.

 

If all that he did with you meant something to him don't you think he'd define your relationship? He doesn't because these acts don't mean to him the same they mean to you.

 

You do not do anything! You do not chase a man. You cannot convince a man to love you, think of you, convince him to spend time with you. It has to come from him and if it doesn't come from him you let him go !

 

The saying goes like this: If someone wants to walk out of your life LET HIM.

[Buddhist]

I guess in all honesty, my questions would be

1) Should I pursue this.. whatever this is? If not(or so), why do you feel this way?

2) Should I worry about his ex wife, or ignore her?

3) Should I ask him about his ex, or should I trust him and swallow my jealousy/fear?

4) What is a good way to ignore or cast aside anxiety, fear and doubt if you truly wish to trust someone?

5) If you were to go visit a potential significant other on their birthday, in the evening, what would you do to make it awesome?

 

1. Up to you.

2. No. She's none of your business just as you are none of hers.

3. No. See above.

4. If you have to force yourself to trust someone with willpower, you don't trust them. That's the simple truth.

5. I can't post that because this is PG part of the forum.

[Lagata]

Gaeta;

 

You have been so very helpful. I suppose the reason this is hard for me to swallow is simply because he did invest so much time and energy into me at first. I normally attract men who want one of two things: Booty, or a throw rug. Needless to say I don't enjoy that treatment and so when I receive different, I get sort of blindsighted and tend to fall hard.

 

(By the way, they weren't together long even before marriage. I can't be sure on the time frame because i've never asked, but quite possibly only a few months. It was a complete shock to everyone, including his family and closest friends, who had absolutely no idea who she was and he's even relayed to me that they were all very upset that he did it. He's told me he also regrets having jumped into marriage so quickly.)

 

However this does make me nervous about the future, even if i were to give up on any probably attempts at a relationship. He wants to be my friend no matter what, but at this level i'm at it's going to be difficult to transition back to "friend" status because of my feelings. And I simply cannot cut ties with him alltogether.

 

How do I approach this? Do I tell him I can't invest my time into someone who doesn't seem interested anymore? Should I tell him I don't want to be on his waitlist? In all honesty, I've brought that up to him in the form of an email, where I didn't want to wait forever for him to come around. But I don't like to be aggressive. I want to be firm but not abrasive.

 

Do you think there is any chance that he would come around with the prospect of my abandoning this partial attempt at a relationship, or is this unhealthy to think this way?

 

I was hoping to get some more positive or balanced feedback, however considering the hole inside of this (relation)ship, I suppose i'll be treading water soon and it's better to know the truth. Doesn't make it hurt less, though.

 

In reality, I tend to avoid relationships when I can. The prospect of being used runs too great in my history. Therefore when i'm in a situation when i'm not being used and i'm being even moderately appreciated, I fall in deep. And my nature, in general, has always been a mentality of raw survival. Paranoia, doubt, and worry are always running through my mind, be it relationships or what i'm going to eat for dinner. I am trying to work on my own self to tame these intense and powerful emotions, because in all honesty I think I am a big part of my own problem, and the only way to repair that state of mind is to accept it rather than deny it.

 

Now I'm sort of unsure about visiting him for his birthday. I cannot cancel, however my perception of what I am going to do has shifted and now I don't know what to do.

 

And Buddhist; Your #5 answer gave me an incredible laugh. Thanks for that!

 

-La Gata

[Gaeta]

In reality, I tend to avoid relationships when I can. The prospect of being used runs too great in my history. Therefore when i'm in a situation when i'm not being used and i'm being even moderately appreciated, I fall in deep.

 

People are always on their best behavior at first. You need to give them more time to prove themselves to you. You are wary of men because of your past so as soon as someone shows signs of sneakiness or mild interest you should back up.

 

Don't allow any falling deep after a 1 intense moment.

 

My advice to you is to let him show you who he is and what he is made of. You get busy with something else, take a pottery class if necessary ;-). When he shows you what he is made of...believe him. If he does not come through, if he continues being distracted and absent, if he doesn't make concrete plans to see you, believe his actions are a testimony of his real interest.

 

It is in men's nature to pursue a woman they want. If he doesn't pursue you it's because his interest has faded.

Edited September 15, 2016 by Gaeta

[MJJean]

So he impulsively married a woman he barely knew and then divorced her after about a year of marriage? Then he starts NOT dating you by blowing hot and cold within weeks. Meanwhile, he's exchanging warm fuzzies on Fakebook (AKA F*ckbook) with the ex-wife he barely knew using dogs he briefly co-owned and hasn't owned or lived with in many months as an excuse?

 

Am I the only one here who thinks this is a "Run! Don't walk, run!" situation? This guy isn't relationship material. He seems to have no freaking clue what he is doing, poor boundaries, and poor impulse control.

[Lagata]

People are always on their best behavior at first. You need to give them more time to prove themselves to you. You are wary of men because of your past so as soon as someone shows signs of sneakiness or mild interest you should back up.

 

Don't allow any falling deep after a 1 intense moment.

 

My advice to you is to let him show you who he is and what he is made of. You get busy with something else, take a pottery class if necessary ;-). When he shows you what he is made of...believe him. If he does not come through, if he continues being distracted and absent, if he doesn't make concrete plans to see you, believe his actions are a testimony of his real interest.

 

It is in men's nature to pursue a woman they want. If he doesn't pursue you it's because his interest has faded.

 

That's one of my flaws.. I overthink. I do need a hobby.

 

He hasn't been sneaky and to be honest his character hasn't changed, even before we showed any interest in each other. Compared to many other men i've come to know, he seems legitimately sincere, but his words vs. actions can be confusing at times. He wants to take things slow, however he is the one who generally initiates some intense physical contact, which causes me to stop the contact because I don't want to disrespect his wishes of taking it slow. There were a couple of intense moments on multiple occasions, however most of them were centered around mid august. Before this we flirted and joked around a lot, however we weren't big on touch or anything of this nature. Think.. close friends who are very comfortable with each other's company. And then just.. Blammo. It got heated quick.

 

We had a talk about being in a relationship shortly after and he told me it had to come naturally, that he was into me but his last relationship ended badly because he rushed in and he didn't want the same thing to repeat itself, especially not to me. He became a bit sweeter after that, cuddling and holding hands, and wasn't as intense physically after that talk(which i really don't mind!). This continued until his courses began. We still do communicate, however instead of every day multiple times a day, it's maybe.. every other day. sometimes two or three, but is always followed up with a fairly long rapport of how the day(s) went and him asking how i've been and vice versa. But again, this drift in texting didn't start until his courses did. They are very difficult classes, I have seen the effort he has to put in just to focus and I have seen examples of the work he has to do, which would literally make me combust into flame if I had to attempt it.

 

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because I do care for him deeply. I know what he's been through and I know how hard he's had to fight to get where he is now and even now it is still a struggle. He isn't a bad guy, however I also am willing to see this from new eyes and realize that I put in a lot more effort than he does to make things work for him. Ideally, I'd want him to date me officially, get his own dog (so he can move on and stop missing his others), do well in school and succeed, and for us to make each other happy and fill each other's voids. I'm willing to ignore the fact that he's close with his ex. In all honesty I think he is close 90% because of his dogs, I honestly do. He is a dog person, no doubt. With his own pup he can focus on it and let her take care of her own business.

 

I would honestly rather try, fail, and be crushed by him than not try at this point. I just don't know what I should do or what I should say. I am now really nervous about going down for his birthday. It might be a good time to lay my feelings out on the table, or it might be a good time to find out where he actually stands. I was going to go all out and buy him something very nice, however I have to stop doting on him until he does the same for me. I instead found a few practical and inexpensive things that he will appreciate and can use. The Cat needs to tone it down with the spending!

 

-La Gata

[Gaeta]

Sounds like your mind was made up already.

 

Please know that when a man is physically passionate it does not mean he wants to be emotionally intimate. You seem to think sex = taking things fast. It's not what this man means. Not moving fast to him means not being exclusive and not keeping all of his eggs in the same basket. It does not mean he doesn't wish to sleep with you.

 

You see a man that lowered communication when his courses started. I see a man that lowered communication after being turned down for sex. I see a man that went from several communications a day to 1 communication every odd days. I see a man slowing fading.

 

Please update us on how it unfolds.

 

Good luck.

[Springsummer]

When I looked at the title of this post, I expected really bloody complicated stuff...

 

after reading the post, I don't think it's that complicated.

[BC1980]

He wanted this to be a FWB type thing. He could have asked to start dating you and made this a real relationship, but he didn't do that. It looks like he only wants something casual.

[BC1980]

Sounds like your mind was made up already.

 

Please know that when a man is physically passionate it does not mean he wants to be emotionally intimate. You seem to think sex = taking things fast. It's not what this man means. Not moving fast to him means not being exclusive and not keeping all of his eggs in the same basket. It does not mean he doesn't wish to sleep with you.

 

You see a man that lowered communication when his courses started. I see a man that lowered communication after being turned down for sex. I see a man that went from several communications a day to 1 communication every odd days. I see a man slowing fading.

 

Please update us on how it unfolds.

 

Good luck.

 

That's what I was thinking. He lost interest because sex was taken off the table.

[Lagata]

When I looked at the title of this post, I expected really bloody complicated stuff...

 

after reading the post, I don't think it's that complicated.

 

It may not seem complicated to the casual observer, however to the person in the middle of the situation; it is an inescapable labyrinth full of many dead ends and only one way in and one way out. It's just hard to find when you're stuck inside of it Feel free to add your input if you believe it to be un-complicated.. The more opinions on the matter, the better!

 

 

 

There has actually been, perhaps, a small revelation. Through out the day today his ex attempted to bombard him with more past memories, pictures of his past and his dogs, to which he completely ignored. I know that doesn't equal payday for me, but perhaps he's caught wind of her games or just got sick of the constant postings daily and told her off or something.

 

He also went out of his way to text me about some past discussions we've had, about when he was younger. He found a folder that i'd been asking about months ago, and said he might show it to me next time I come down. I told him I had a dream about him lastnight, because I had. He asked what it was about, and I told him. We were just having a night of fun in the dream, perhaps at a restaurant. We were both laughing and doing what we normally do on dates. He said that sounded like an awesome dream, and he was glad I remembered it. It was a nice and casual conversation.

 

All he mentioned publicly on his social media today was that he was knee deep in studies and was busy with that. Later, his ex posted a public message saying she was feeling frustrated, but she was going to try and "hang up" her past memories and try to move forward and start fresh. I'm wondering if something has happened, if he told her to back off, or if she just realized that he wasn't coming back to her, or what.

 

It's a lot of information to take in, in one day. I am not jumping onto cloud nine just yet, however if she is going to finally back off, perhaps he will have a chance to figure out what he wants on his own.

 

Also, BC1980; I would agree with you however there have been a few instances where i've come on to him and he's told me to pace *myself*. He could've easily just taken advantage of the situation and slept with me, but he chose not to. Above all else he may want to sleep with me because that's sort of a natural urge to most, but I don't believe his intentions with me have ever been a FWB fling. I've been shoved into those types of situations before and it just doesn't feel the same as this does.

[BC1980]

All he mentioned publicly on his social media today was that he was knee deep in studies and was busy with that. Later, his ex posted a public message saying she was feeling frustrated, but she was going to try and "hang up" her past memories and try to move forward and start fresh. I'm wondering if something has happened, if he told her to back off, or if she just realized that he wasn't coming back to her, or what.

 

This right here is an issue. You are following both of them on social media and drawing all types of conclusions. Social media is like its own alternate reality. You're basically looking in on their interactions. I can't tell you how unhealthy all of that is.

[BC1980]

Also, BC1980; I would agree with you however there have been a few instances where i've come on to him and he's told me to pace *myself*. He could've easily just taken advantage of the situation and slept with me, but he chose not to. Above all else he may want to sleep with me because that's sort of a natural urge to most, but I don't believe his intentions with me have ever been a FWB fling. I've been shoved into those types of situations before and it just doesn't feel the same as this does.

 

Maybe he changed his mind? Usual FWB doesn't involve hanging out like you do. That is true. My take is that he likes to hang out for companionship, and, if he can get a little sex out of it, great. Regardless, he's clearly not trying to be in a relationship with you. He's had ample time to try to establish a relationship, and he hasn't. I would not put much hope in this.

[Gaeta]

It's a lot of information to take in, in one day. I am not jumping onto cloud nine just yet, however if she is going to finally back off, perhaps he will have a chance to figure out what he wants on his own.

 

You are sounding more and more desperate, ready to accept any crumbs he'll be willing to throw at you. You're also following all of his and her social media activities like a teen girl. Where did you leave your woman's pride? is this the only man to date in town?

[Springsummer]

It may not seem complicated to the casual observer, however to the person in the middle of the situation; it is an inescapable labyrinth full of many dead ends and only one way in and one way out. It's just hard to find when you're stuck inside of it Feel free to add your input if you believe it to be un-complicated.. The more opinions on the matter, the better!

s.

 

 

well, he is a single guy. He isn't married, has a girl friend, has kids, or anything that stop him from getting what he wants, right?

 

The only 'complication' is you don't know what he wants, right? the worst is FWB, the best is he really doesn't know what he wants...he doesn't even know if he wants to date you, not to mention marry you. I mean how hard is to date someone? so he afraid dating you will mess up your friendship? but simply sleeping with you doesn't ?

 

I doubt if I could do any better than you if I were in your situation. That's why we need a cool, un-involved observer to analysis the situation or make yourself one. So by no means I mean to laugh at you.

[Lagata]

I actually do not follow his ex on social media; I can't exactly control what shows up in my news feed(or maybe I can, I just don't know how). For some reason, her posts show up there often. When I log in; BOOM. it's right there. It could be because of the tagging thing, I don't know. All I know is that I get near as much from her as I do from him showing up on my own feed page, and of course i'm going to read what's right in front of me.

 

I will say though, BC1980, that you are right and I should stop getting my hopes up with this. It felt great in the very beginning of all of this, however now it just feels like a big ball of confusion. It would probably be easier to switch back into friend mode than stress about how this will play out. It's just going to be a long transition for me. But then again, when if I back off and then he changes his mind? What do I do then? Push him away for taking too long?

 

Gaeta; I do seem desperate but in my defense, of all the attempts i've made to find a decent SO in my age range; I have either been abused or played. So.. Yeah. I'm going to try a little too hard to make the pieces fit when I find a guy who connects with me and enjoys my company, says he's interested in me and who doesn't treat me like a floor mat. At this point I feel like the damaged merchandise that nobody wants. Pride? I haven't any. Why do you think I posted here?

[Gaeta]

Gaeta; I do seem desperate but in my defense, of all the attempts i've made to find a decent SO in my age range; I have either been abused or played. So.. Yeah. I'm going to try a little too hard to make the pieces fit when I find a guy who connects with me and enjoys my company, says he's interested in me and who doesn't treat me like a floor mat. At this point I feel like the damaged merchandise that nobody wants. Pride? I haven't any. Why do you think I posted here?

 

What age range is that? I am 50 years old, your age range can't be as bad as mine. ;-)

 

I have been in an abusive marriage and my second long term relationship wasn't any better, just a different abuse. I stayed single for a few years then went back to dating and found an a-m-a-z-i-n-g man ! From the start he made his interest clear, he was constant in his pursuing, things were clear and simple and smooth. He never gave me any moments of doubts about him.

 

Relationships that are meant are easy. They unfold naturally and you never have to ask yourself questions.

 

When I was on here people kept telling me when I meet the right one it will be easy. I was not sure I believed them, till it finally happened and yes it's easy, you are never in doubt and never questioning if your man is into you.