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I'm torn. Found out my fiance cheated on me in the past.

Geneve

By Geneve
in Infidelity

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Davey L Established Member

Davey L

Posted
Posted

I rarely try to give advice on here these days because compared to some others here I know very little. However I can perhaps give you a view from my own experience of what it is like 20 years on from where you are now.

 

There will be good times ahead if you stay with her. Possibly many good and happy times. But her infidelity will always be there as a small dark stain on an otherwise beautiful picture.

 

She will always seem a little tainted. You will never be fully open with her. You will never 100% trust her. Maybe 99%, but not 100%. The lack of trust won't just be about other guys, it will be in every other way - you won't rely on her to have your back covered when you need it.

 

One day in the future you will face temptation from another woman. It will be much harder to resist it knowing that she gave in so easily to temptation herself.

 

Whenever you hit a difficult patch in your marriage you will wonder what she is up to.

 

When you don't get the sex you want, you will resent how she gave it so freely to the other guys.

 

You will wonder if the other guys were better endowed, better lovers and better men than you.

 

You will wonder if she would have dropped you if one of the others had wanted to keep her.

 

You will wonder if your children are really yours.

 

When you are down and need someone to turn to, it won't be her you want, because you will never again want to fully open your feelings to her.

 

It will always be there between you. It will never go away.

  • Like 2
Silveron Established Member

Silveron

Posted
Posted

I am kind of ticked off at the responses on here. Any good counselor would never tell you to stay or leave her. What good counseling/advice is for them to see things at an angle so they can make a better decision on their own.

 

 

Most of us had bad experiences with on here with being cheated/betrayed on so some of the advice on here is biased.

 

 

Including me, who's fiancée cheated on me I'm hoping my advice might help you understand the decision you have to make.

 

 

Do good people make bad choices? Yes.

Does it define them? No (unless murder, etc..).

Did she do this to hurt you? No.

Can you be reassured she will never do this again? No, however there are never guarantees in life. You can be married 20 years to someone who then cheats.

Is she doing the right thing since? Sounds like it, she's wanting to go to counseling.

 

 

IMO running away for a few months is not going to help you decide to stay or be with her. Ask yourself if you are trying to run away from the problem?

 

 

Don't let your imagination run wild, those thoughts of her with other men, you need to block it out. You are just punishing her and yourself more than you have to.

 

 

Honestly the counseling thing sounds like a great thing for both of you together. Being engaged/married means you fight through these battles together. There are never any guarantees in life. You might want to look up the seven signs of grief that might help you.

merrmeade Established Member

merrmeade

Posted
Posted
Not married, no children, 4 guys, she's is a serial cheater,...
You need to believe this, Geneve, and understand it's is a real thing that doesn't go away just because they're engaged or married. When my husband's past affairs came out decades later, he blamed a lot of things, including his lifestyle before marriage and the lifestyle of the times. His first affair began 1 year after our marriage and ended because she cheated on him.

 

They don't change easily and the flirting behavior and everything they've already repeated, enjoyed and done many times that gets them going, whether it's a one-night-stand (ONS) or long-term affair (LTA) - well, they don't just stop. If all the other circumstances are there, they go into auto-pilot and put out "available and interested" signs. They know in any setting who's putting out those vibes. They don't think about and literally do not know how to put out signals that say instead "not available or interested because I'm in a committed relationship."

  • Like 1
BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

Posted
Posted

So I guess you went ahead and married your cheating fiancée.

 

The whole point is that they are not married, it is a different deal when you are married and have kids together.

 

Until then, you should "Run Forest, Run".

  • Like 6
Davey L Established Member

Davey L

Posted
Posted
I am kind of ticked off at the responses on here. Any good counselor would never tell you to stay or leave her. What good counseling/advice is for them to see things at an angle so they can make a better decision on their own.

 

 

Most of us had bad experiences with on here with being cheated/betrayed on so some of the advice on here is biased.

 

 

Including me, who's fiancée cheated on me I'm hoping my advice might help you understand the decision you have to make.

 

 

Do good people make bad choices? Yes.

Does it define them? No (unless murder, etc..).

Did she do this to hurt you? No.

Can you be reassured she will never do this again? No, however there are never guarantees in life. You can be married 20 years to someone who then cheats.

Is she doing the right thing since? Sounds like it, she's wanting to go to counseling.

 

 

IMO running away for a few months is not going to help you decide to stay or be with her. Ask yourself if you are trying to run away from the problem?

 

 

Don't let your imagination run wild, those thoughts of her with other men, you need to block it out. You are just punishing her and yourself more than you have to.

 

 

Honestly the counseling thing sounds like a great thing for both of you together. Being engaged/married means you fight through these battles together. There are never any guarantees in life. You might want to look up the seven signs of grief that might help you.

 

I would agree with you if they were married. But he has yet to make that commitment, although he is planning to.

 

Why should he make the commitment of marrying her when she appears so little committed to him that she's prepared to screw around - repeatedly - and apparently lie to him to trick him into marrying her on the false pretence that she's as committed to him as he is to her.

 

Now if it had been a one off and then, when he proposed, she had said to him, "I'm sorry, but back in 2012 I had a ONS with another guy, and I think you should know before we marry", that woul display a rare level of personal integrity on which a robust marriage might reasonably be built. But she didn't, she lied in an attempt to falsely market herself as a faithful woman.

  • Like 7
aliveagain Established Member

aliveagain

Posted
Posted

Friend, 2014 she bangs 4 other men. You were in a permanent relationship with her for at least 4 years. That's longer then then a lot of marriages. Those are the ones you know about. If the guilt of the first affair and the strong love she has for you weren't enough to stop her the first time, times 2,3,4 were a lot easier to do. You will never have to worry if she will do it again if the opportunity arises, she has already proven that she will. Yes, there are no guarantees in any relationship but why handicap yourself with someone who has a history of cheating on you(not others, just you). Come on man, how does she explain 4 guys?

  • Like 6
sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted

I don't think the advice is biased as such. People are taking certain factors into account when they post...

 

Such as:

 

It wasn't a one off

She didn't confess

She lied when confronted

 

These factors cannot be ignored.

 

If the OP knew these things before proposing ... he wouldn't have done ... you need a firm foundation for marriage. Imagine saying those vows and hearing her vowing fidelity .... when she's shown her cheating ways already. Or rather she was exposed.

  • Like 4
Try Established Member

Try

Posted
Posted (edited)
First time she did it was 2012 believe, the spree came from August 2014-October 2014.(3 other guys) She was 23 around that time.
So she was actively cheating on you with multiple different men 5 years into your relationship with her, and just before you asked her to marry you under the false impression that she was a faithful person. That is a long time into your relationship with her, and not that long ago. Although it is hard to accept, this is who she is and she is not good marriage material as she is not at her core faithful. If she cheated on you during the good times of your relationship, before the stress of children, health issues, and life take shots at your relationship, it is hard to imagine that she will not cheat on you again when you go through the normal lows times that occurs in most marraiges. Divorcing her for cheating on you after you have children with her will be a lot harder and more expensive then breaking up with her now. As hard on you as breaking up with her now is, it will be much harder on you later.

 

If you marry her now, you go into the marriage with your eyes open to the fact that you will likely become a cuckold. Do not think of just yourself. Think of your future children and what her cheating would do to their lives. You have been warned. You now have no one to blame but yourself if she cheats on you again.

Edited by Try
  • Like 1
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Geneve New Member

Geneve

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Everybody, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you. I'm soaking in all of your advices. It hurts. I try to go on about my day. In the meantime I am packing up my things currently getting ready for this long road trip up north.

  • Like 4
T-16bullseyeWompRat Established Member

T-16bullseyeWompRat

Posted
Posted

Glad you are still with us. Keep us posted. If nothing else, putting your thoughts down can help you sort through all of them. You will probably have a mixed range of emotions no doubt. Writing them down can help you come to terms with them and what you really want.

 

Take care man. Safe travels.

  • Like 3
aliveagain Established Member

aliveagain

Posted
Posted

Geneve, nothing you did caused her infidelity. Once you cross that line it just gets easier to cross it again, the demons were fought the first time. Some just seek out the dirtiness, excitement and thrill of the hunt, they are poor marriage material. Marriage takes a lot of work, marring someone you can't trust is just asking for trouble. Starting over with someone new will cause you less heartache then trying to change someone that doesn't respect you enough to be faithful. They never expect to be caught, they will promise you the world to keep you and the lifestyle you provide, at least until they replace you. Funny how her attitude has changed with her exposure, all the things she found exciting(maybe she even thought of these men when she was making love to you) now bring her tears. Don't buy it because she kept going back. You deserve better, do not settle, your worth it.

  • Like 4
Wade Lamare Established Member

Wade Lamare

Posted
Posted
Everybody, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you. I'm soaking in all of your advices. It hurts. I try to go on about my day. In the meantime I am packing up my things currently getting ready for this long road trip up north.

 

Geneve, if you are set on continuing this relationship at all costs please, please, please do not marry her, at least not yet. And whatever you do, do not get her pregnant.

 

And I would also be very careful that she doesn't get pregnant 'accidentally'.

 

Does she know it was her friend who passed on the information to you?

 

Do you have an agreement during your trip? No playing around inappropriately for you and her for instance?

 

Not usually a great fan of being a 'policeman' but you might want to ask some friends to verify for you as much as possible.

 

Her friend may be a good source of info especially if she wants to remain friends with you. Just tell her that if you discover she has lied by omission during your trip she will be instantly cut off as a friend.

 

One warning is that if this friend does carry a torch for you she may exaggerate perfectly innocent encounters.

  • Like 1
Wade Lamare Established Member

Wade Lamare

Posted
Posted

I would also add that I think two months or so seems quite a long time to clear your head whilst being apart.

 

Maybe it's just me but I would rather face a problem head on. Two months plus smacks of running away from the problem rather than solving it.

 

Certainly some time apart for you will help but if it takes that amount of time to clear your head about the situation I think you have your answer already without any input from the good people here.

 

How is it that you can just up sticks and move away for two months, do you not have any commitments, a job etc.?

gaumab1 New Member

gaumab1

Posted
Posted

At a bare minimum ask for a pre-nup if you decide to take a chance on this girl and marry her. If she cheats again you get all the accumulated assets, i.e., house, etc.

  • Like 4
why1234 Member

why1234

Posted
Posted

OP, take it from those of us who have been there. The pain you feel now is nothing even close to how you will feel when you find her cheating after marriage and kids.

 

Your fiancee is a serial cheater, someone who doesn't think cheating is wrong.

 

She confessed only for the 4 times you know of. Have you thought of the possibility that your friend doesn't know EVERYTHING? If i had to make a bet - based on her previous work rate (3 guys in 2 month) I would say that there are 99% chances of at least 10-20 guys out there that you don't know of.

 

This is right. I would bet she cheated 10-20 times, having unprotected sex, anal sex, with multiple guys. Maybe even threesomes - that's what these kinds of people do.

 

Let her go. You deserve better.

  • Like 3
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