Steps to take before you go no contact

[Mr. Karma]

This forum is full of love junkies coping with their no contact strategy. No contact is an excellent way to heal en get on your feet again. From my perspective experience there is one important step you should take before you go nc and that is ‘close the door’

 

A break-up is seldomly a clean cut. We therefore tend to seperate with a backdoor open. Meanwhile we fool ourselves with ‘what if’ scenarios. What if h/s comes to terms? What if h/s sees what we had? etc…

 

A break-up is an open wound. The sevirity of this wounds depends on the lenght and type op relationship (toxic, boring, cheating, affair, reboud … gotta catch them all). In my opinion going nc is a bandaid. But in order to heal you should clean your wound first. Otherwise you’ll end up with a long healing proces full of complications and a very ugly scar.

 

Letting go is very though. Period. We are poorly designed when it comes to loss. It makes us human. But letting go is essential to move on. We all get this theory but in practice it is different and difficult. The point is that you should take matters into your own hand. Don't let your life depend on what your ex might do in the near future. You can't predict the future but you can influence it.

 

How to close the door?

Based on experience I would advise to take the following steps. I am not saying this strategy is perfect but it worked for me

 

1) Go no contact - short stage. Take a week to get to terms. If required you notify the other half about this. You need time to look at things clearly

 

2) Write a final letter/message - draft version - writting helps you order your thoughts. It is also a great way to release all that negative energy that is obsessing you at the moment. Use the internet for good arguments. Just write anything that comes to your mind and that you would like to say. Add stuff that comes to your mind along the week. Quickly you will gain perpective. And that is exactly what you need.

Never ever send this version. You will regret it. Take your time to order your thought.

 

3) Edit and finalize. Red pencil time. Erase drastically. A short constructive well written message has much more impact than a novel. Get rid of the romantic fluff and drama. Reviewing the relationship is fine but keep it short. They remember the magic moments so leave it out. Remove questions. This is one way traffic. Alter the tone of voice. It should be clear, natural (your own words and style) and to the point. Finally state clearly that in your opinion the two of you left a door open. You are now closing it and moving on. Also state that you go no contact.

 

4) Send it. App, e-mail whatever. I would recommend to send it in the evening

5) Go no-contact phase 2 - This time it time to apply your bandaid. Go nc long term

 

So what if s/h responds?

Be prepared for an argumentative reponse. Many dumpers don’t like it when the dumpee takes matters into their own hands. They had a headstart over you. You gain up with them. I ussualy respond with ‘All I have to say is in my previous message. Take care’. It is not about revenge or getting even. It is about gaining control and moving on. Never initiate contact.

 

What if s/h reponds at a later stage?

This depends on how heart broken your are and how you used to communicate with your ex. Utter *******? No contact period. Nice person? Simply respond with a short message without asking a question in return. ‘Hey I was just wondering how you are doing?’ - ‘I am doing fine thx.’ Simple and straight forward. For me not respoding is a way o telling you are not over him/her and it doesn’t fit my personal style. I rather keep my head up instead of crawling under the couch.

 

Finally remember this: If a dumper really wants you back he will kick your door in. It doesn’t matter if it closed or not. If you should take them back is a different story

[PegNosePete]

Or just skip step 4 and save yourself the mental turmoil.

[JewelD]

Or just skip step 4 and save yourself the mental turmoil.

 

I agree. A hurt person would just drive themselves nuts wondering why they didn't get a response or why the response they received wasn't the one they wanted.

[aloneinaz]

Or just skip step 4 and save yourself the mental turmoil.

 

OMG! Don't do 4!

 

Here's how it should go. One party decides to end the R/S. The dumpee accepts the decision with maturity. They exchange things left at each others place w/in 24 hours.

 

Then, the dumpee VANISHES from the dumpers life. Blocks the dumpers social media. Blocks the dumpers phone number. Collects all things from the dumper (pictures, cards, gifts, momentos) and puts them in a box and puts them in the attic or throws them in the garbage. They wipe their phone and computer clean of emails, texts and pictures.

 

They don't stalk the dumpers social media. They don't contact the dumper begging for "one more chance". They don't drive by their house. They don't hide in their home crying for months and months while putting the dumper on a pedestal, listening to sad break up songs while lying in the fetal position with their thumb in their mouth, sobbing.

 

Then, they let time heal the wounds. Out of sight, out of mind is the ONLY thing that helps people get back on their feet in the quickest manner. The accept the R/S didn't work and realize most don't. The understand they should never consider a reconciliation because they don't work 99% of the time. They learn from the failed R/S what they can while feeling better. Within a couple of months, they are feeling back to normal and start to date again to move forward w/their lives.

[Exformer]

You talk about "closing the door" but your last step is one last open door that you think they may respond to quickly or much further down the road. That's leaving the door wide open. Don't do step four.

[Mr. Karma]

OMG! Don't do 4!

 

Here's how it should go. One party decides to end the R/S. The dumpee accepts the decision with maturity. They exchange things left at each others place w/in 24 hours.

 

Then, the dumpee VANISHES from the dumpers life. Blocks the dumpers social media. Blocks the dumpers phone number. Collects all things from the dumper (pictures, cards, gifts, momentos) and puts them in a box and puts them in the attic or throws them in the garbage. They wipe their phone and computer clean of emails, texts and pictures.

 

They don't stalk the dumpers social media. They don't contact the dumper begging for "one more chance". They don't drive by their house. They don't hide in their home crying for months and months while putting the dumper on a pedestal, listening to sad break up songs while lying in the fetal position with their thumb in their mouth, sobbing.

 

Then, they let time heal the wounds. Out of sight, out of mind is the ONLY thing that helps people get back on their feet in the quickest manner. The accept the R/S didn't work and realize most don't. The understand they should never consider a reconciliation because they don't work 99% of the time. They learn from the failed R/S what they can while feeling better. Within a couple of months, they are feeling back to normal and start to date again to move forward w/their lives.

 

I say send it. Like mentioned in my threat many break ups are open ended and keep a lot of lost souls wondering how to move on.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Make them hate you. Makes it easier for both of ya. She gets to move on being mad at you and she will most likely use that anger to propel herself forward in her life, you get to move on knowing you made her hate you, and she'll live a better life because of it.

 

Who wants to be with a woman who hides the guy behind the couch/in the closet anyway? /sarcasm

[heartbrokenlady]

Well, I think it depends on the situation. Before it became clear what I was going to do, I told my ex I might need to break off all contact for my peace of mind.

 

He upset me again so I went NC. I had intended to email him, telling him I was doing it and why, but when I tried to put it into words, I realised he already KNEW why I was doing it. I'd said it all before so really didn't need to say it again.

 

We didn't end on an argument so no need for hate either. Just total radio silence.

[Frozensushi]

Make them hate you. Makes it easier for both of ya.

 

Not sure if you mean it or not. In my case, I had to do this as my Ex and I had a toxic breakup/makeup cycle thing going. I sent my Ex a dig letter. Told her everything I've always wanted to say during the relationship. I had liquid courage going to write and send it. I was very crass and said some mean things. Not justifying it, but this woman hurt me pretty bad and it built up to this. I've never sent a letter like that in my entire life.

 

Needless to say, it worked very well. SHE blocked me and all my family on various Social media sites. She changed her phone number and probably blocked my e-mail address. Finding that out did hurt. It was actually the kick I needed to get me through the holding pattern denial had me in.

 

She made me out to be the bad guy throughout the relationship anyway, so no big deal if she hates me. I was regretting sending the letter for a few days, but I know it's probably a lucky thing that I did it.

 

Normally, there would be no letter. My recent B/U was anything but "normal". That I do know.

[marky00]

None of this matters really.

 

 

Humans are very resiliant and get over most stuff in time. As long, as you don't say many nasty things during the breakup, then a reconcilation of some kind may be possible. Conflict is the one thing people rarely forget or forgive.

 

 

Dumpers do sometimes deliberately make the breakup horrible to burn all bridges, hoping the dumpee hates them ... giving the dumper further motivation to move on. In these cases, as a dumpee, I usually do 1 reachout making it clear I'm not bitter etc just to thrwart the above scenrio.

 

 

I really think total neutrality is best.

 

 

Having said that, I do think you can get away with a lot. But when someone is making it clear your not even to contact them, thats when things will get ugly if u push things further.

[Mr. Karma]

I am not saying this strategy is perfect (as mentioned in my threat). If it is a very ugly break up no contact is probably the best way to go. Still I would recommend to write in order to order you thoughts but don't send it.

 

My point is that not all break-ups end ugly. In many cases the dumper tries to soften the blow by sending mixed signals leaving the dumpee behind with a ton of question marks.

In my opinion I think that closing the door from the dumpee's end helps.

 

Also depending on the relationship and break-up I believe that blocking is just adding fuel to the fire. I agree with Marky00. Neutrality is best.

[marky00]

Well

 

 

Maybe one day, I will have to send out a letter headed "my final words" etc.

 

 

Normally, I wouldn't but I do feel like if I don't do that, I will never get to indifference.

 

 

In my case, its tough because I was basically ghosted and its an LDR which makes ghosting even more crazy. So, here I am doing my NC thing but I don't like the way how it looks like I'm doing it because I have been forced to do so.

 

 

Personally, I prefer to go NC because I choose to do so for my own good. I just got a wierd vibe on her last text and immediatley went NC but my hand was forced so to speak.

 

 

I think i'll go for like 6 months NC and if at that point, there has been NC both ways, I may send that letter. Time will tell.

 

 

But, I do still think in the first few months post BU, keep it neutral. That allows for healing. As you get stronger, sending a closing letter may be an idea.