JennK Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 I was married for 16 years and it was constantly full of deceit, lies, infidelity, and competing with other woman that he had on the side. I have been in a new relationship for about 3 1/2 months now and I'm finding myself becoming insecure and my mind wanders to the what ifs. My BF tells me that I need to get out of my head and that he is not my ex and that it's not fair for me to judge him based on what my ex did to me. How do I become confident in our relationship and not feel like I need constant reassurance about where we stand or if he's happy? Why do I think like I do when all it does is drives me crazy and makes me depressed? It's almost like I automatically assume scenarios and then question him. If he's at work and I text him, if I don't hear back right away, I wonder if he's busy texting someone else when essentially he's probably just busy. This is driving me crazy!
Larryville Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 First obvious question is how long did you wait post-divorce before getting into this relationship? You needed time to heal. For your sake and for the person you are with. Saying you feel insecure means you did not give yourself time to heal to get use to being on your own and work on you.
Bialy Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 Did you ever see a therapist after your divorce? You might benefit from going to a few sessions with one - maybe even one or two. Find someone who is a relationship counselor. I'm NOT suggesting couples therapy. It would be beneficial to you to do this alone and find solutions and ideas on how to feel more comfortable in this situation. One thing to think about -- has your current partner ever done anything wrong or deceitful? Have you ever caught him in a lie? If the answer is "no" - any time you feel these insecurities crop up, take a deep breath and remind yourself that he is NOT your ex. Again, he is NOT your ex. And then remember what makes him DIFFERENT and a better partner than your awful, lying ex.
kendahke Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 (edited) I was married for 16 years and it was constantly full of deceit, lies, infidelity, and competing with other woman that he had on the side. I have been in a new relationship for about 3 1/2 months now and I'm finding myself becoming insecure and my mind wanders to the what ifs. My BF tells me that I need to get out of my head and that he is not my ex and that it's not fair for me to judge him based on what my ex did to me. How do I become confident in our relationship and not feel like I need constant reassurance about where we stand or if he's happy? Why do I think like I do when all it does is drives me crazy and makes me depressed? It's almost like I automatically assume scenarios and then question him. If he's at work and I text him, if I don't hear back right away, I wonder if he's busy texting someone else when essentially he's probably just busy. This is driving me crazy! How much time elapsed between your divorce and you meeting this man? I ask this because it appears you are using this new man as a bandaid on the gaping wound left by your experiences with your ex husband. If you've never addressed your pain, but instead avoided dealing with it by distracting yourself with a new man, then those unresolved feelings have never been pulled out by their roots. You are just transferring the dysfunction from one man to the other and making the new guy responsible for what your ex did to you. Those feelings will not disappear--they're jumping back on your head because they haven't been dealt with. IOW: you aren't emotionally ready to be in a new relationship because you're too fragmented. You needed a therapist, not a new boyfriend.This is not his heavy lift--it's yours and yours alone. My advice would be to scale back this relationship and instead, invest the next 18 months in getting defragmented and emotionally whole again. Then you will be in a stronger mental/emotional place that can enter into a new relationship. Edited September 14, 2016 by kendahke
Author JennK Posted September 14, 2016 Author Posted September 14, 2016 We've been apart since April 2015 but the official paperwork was completed April of this year. I had a previous short relationship with an ex from school and had the same insecurities, so I know that it's me, not them. I guess I need to learn how to not have constant attention and not make the person that I'm with my main focus of every minute of my day. I feel like I need to learn how to control my thoughts and emotions while in a relationship because I didn't have these issues when I was single.
Gaeta Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 We are responsible for the people we let in our lives. We are responsible for the years of unhappiness we imposed on ourselves. I know I was married 15 years and only I is responsible for the damaged it inflicted on me. I am the one who chose to stay in that dysfunctional marriage, I was free to leave from day 1. You need to feel a part of responsibility toward what happened and OWN it. It's yours to deal with, not anyone else and not a new boyfriend. Once that is understood you will now commit to leave with no delay any man acting disrespectful and sneaky. That is how you protect yourself. You will also commit to not be a victim of your past mistakes, your mistakes is to remain 16 years with a cheating man. Once you fully grasp the notion that you are the master of your life this insecurity will subside. If boyfriend cheats, he cheats. If boyfriend chats with other women, then he does. There is nothing you can do to prevent him from doing it. And chasing him down will certainly not keep him from doing it. But for now he has done nothing wrong so you can't punish him for something he MIGHT do in the future. When and if he ever cheats or chats with women you will deal with it THEN by leaving. You'll survive, you'll be fine, you'll get up dust yourself and move on. Welcome to life. 2
maryjanekelly Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 We are responsible for the people we let in our lives. We are responsible for the years of unhappiness we imposed on ourselves. I know I was married 15 years and only I is responsible for the damaged it inflicted on me. I am the one who chose to stay in that dysfunctional marriage, I was free to leave from day 1. You need to feel a part of responsibility toward what happened and OWN it. It's yours to deal with, not anyone else and not a new boyfriend. Once that is understood you will now commit to leave with no delay any man acting disrespectful and sneaky. That is how you protect yourself. You will also commit to not be a victim of your past mistakes, your mistakes is to remain 16 years with a cheating man. Once you fully grasp the notion that you are the master of your life this insecurity will subside. If boyfriend cheats, he cheats. If boyfriend chats with other women, then he does. There is nothing you can do to prevent him from doing it. And chasing him down will certainly not keep him from doing it. But for now he has done nothing wrong so you can't punish him for something he MIGHT do in the future. When and if he ever cheats or chats with women you will deal with it THEN by leaving. You'll survive, you'll be fine, you'll get up dust yourself and move on. Welcome to life. OP listen to this. This is exactly what you need to do. Write it down and read it every time that little bitch called insecurity starts whispering in your ear. I too, am plagued by this from my horrible past. My little demon still whispers at me after a year, and has caused some fights between me and my man. But I stay and love him to the death because deep down I know that he is good. He isn't like the other that made us this way. He is forgiving and is an open book. I still worry from time to time, then i try to think rational... I remember the things that Gaeta said. Then she stops whispering again. 2
stillafool Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 Maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship yet. You really haven't gotten over your divorce/ex yet. You need independent counseling and to heal before you enter another relationship. You've already had two men since your separation. Work on yourself before you involve another man in your life. You do not need a man to survive so you don't have to have one.
Author JennK Posted September 14, 2016 Author Posted September 14, 2016 I don't feel that being in a relationship is the problem. I was single for a long time and didn't have any confidence problems then. I guess the fear of being abandoned/blindsided is what makes me feel this way? He tells me that if he didn't want to be with me, then he wouldn't. He comes home every night and if he isn't at work then we're together. I just need to get it together and I'm not sure how. 1
maryjanekelly Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 I don't feel that being in a relationship is the problem. I was single for a long time and didn't have any confidence problems then. I guess the fear of being abandoned/blindsided is what makes me feel this way? He tells me that if he didn't want to be with me, then he wouldn't. He comes home every night and if he isn't at work then we're together. I just need to get it together and I'm not sure how. I'm in the exact same position. He says the same things. We are and have been inseparable for the past year. Moved in together right away and just couldn't be away from one another. Just try to believe him. Believe that he is sincere. Take it one day at a time. You will know in your gut if he starts to stray, you will remember the old signs. Enjoy him. Remember that if he is going to cheat, there is nothing you can do to stop him, so why worry? Thats what I do anyway. 1
GemmaUK Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 You've had barely any time on your own at all and if this was always an issue and still is and has been in this and your last brief relationships then you really need some help over this. It's not normal behaviour and is utterly draining to the one you are with.
2005tahoe Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 I'm 3.5 years from my divorce and I'm not sure that I am ready to date. I had a WAW with no reasoning behind it. But its all up to the man upstairs.
Author JennK Posted September 14, 2016 Author Posted September 14, 2016 Abandonment is one of the hardest things that I've had to suffer thru.
2005tahoe Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 Abandonment is one of the hardest things that I've had to suffer thru. Sounds like you are where I am. you have to learn to be happy alone, first.
Blanco Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 I don't feel that being in a relationship is the problem. I was single for a long time and didn't have any confidence problems then. Well, that's simply not true. You two separated 17 months ago after 16 years of marriage and you've already been involved in two relationships. That's just not enough time on your own to really have a true sense of who you are as an individual post-divorce. I know some people who can slide from one relationship to the next and make it work in the sense that the relationships last for a while (usually one to three years). However, those people are generally a bit emotionally shut off and, I suspect, not really meeting all of their partner's emotional needs. 1
stillafool Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 I don't feel that being in a relationship is the problem. I was single for a long time and didn't have any confidence problems then. I guess the fear of being abandoned/blindsided is what makes me feel this way? Are you sure? You don't seem to have these problems when you aren't in a relationship.
Ami1uwant Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 My two cents..... After a relationship ends you need some time to recover. You didn't ....your past relationship trust issues is coming up now. If he c9nstantly cheated why did you stay? Cheating isn't the reason, there is an underlying issue that results in cheating. As fir recovery it depends on how scared and sudden the divorce came aa well as how amicable or not the divorce was. If this relationship died 3 yrs ago and you stayed till children were in high school then you can move on quicker.
BaileyB Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 I suggest you find a good counsellor. It's obvious why you have issues with trust, but it would be such a shame if the issues you have from your past influence your current or future relationships. You really need to find a way to manage your fears, because your trust issues and your constant need for reassurance will become more of a burden to him over time... Slowly but surely, your behavior could create exactly what you fear most and you could drive him away. 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 I think somewhere we believe in our brains that moving on means moving on with someone else. It simply isn't true. 16 years of marriage- you may need a longer time to make peace with what happened than you probably would like to admit. The only way to heal and not let a new boyfriend not be punished for somebody else's past mistakes is to have time to yourself to rebuild your identity. Monkey-barring from one relationship to another is usually more of a case of " I don't want to be alone and I need someone to validate my significance" The only person who can do that is you and you for yourself. I think that every new relationship should feel like a completely clean slate, a new experience, kinda like you've never done it before. But sometimes the only way we can have a clean slate, is cleaning the slate before we begin again. That usually means forgiveness, healing, forgiving yourself and forgiving the person that caused you bitterness. That means when we do embark into a new relationship, we aren't expecting that person to do the same things as our previous partners once did. The length of time to heal may be different for everybody. But I think when you are touchy or suspicious usually indicates fear. A good amount of fear maybe good for a relationship i.e. fighting for a relationship and protecting it bad amounts usually indicate suspicion, fear and erratic jealously and insecurity. 2
kendahke Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 I don't feel that being in a relationship is the problem. I was single for a long time and didn't have any confidence problems then. I guess the fear of being abandoned/blindsided is what makes me feel this way? Which is why you need a relationship with a therapist right now and not a guy. You already know being single isn't going to kill you. You need to decide if you are worth this investment. He tells me that if he didn't want to be with me, then he wouldn't. He comes home every night and if he isn't at work then we're together. I just need to get it together and I'm not sure how. If you knew how to do it, this thread wouldn't be here. He is serving as your distraction from doing some emotional work on yourself because it's easier to make someone else responsible for the heavy lift--that way you can criticize and tell him where/how he's falling short, even when he's not, and not yourself--when that's your responsibility and yours alone. 1
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