He's not ready... did I make a mistake?

[snow_white]

Actually, I do feel that I made the right decision. I just miss him terribly that I have these moments where I wonder if I made a mistake...

 

Anyhow, hi everyone. Just looking for some support.

 

My boyfriend of a year and a half told me tonight that after all this time, he is doubting whether he is really ready for a relationship. His words were, "I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm not meeting your needs and I know it's hurting you. I really thought I was ready. I really want to be. It's just with the way things are I don't know that I'm ready to give you everything that comes with a relationship."

 

I was very hurt. I wanted to yell and be angry. I don't know how I kept my composure, but I simply shrugged and said I'm sorry it had to end this way. I think he was shocked because he said he wasn't breaking up with me, he just needs to figure things out so he can be the kind of man I need.

 

I said I don't know what "figure things out" even means. I said I don't believe in breaks, you know that. I'm not going to be in limbo while you figure things out and I certainly won't be just friends when we both know how easy it would be for us to fall into a fwb situation. I said I deserve someone who is ALL IN with me and I won't stay with someone who isn't. I also said he can't truly figure things out if I'm there hanging around like nothing has changed.

 

I know he really does want things to work, and I really appreciate that he wants to get us there. He's going through so much right now -- his job is in jeopardy, he is having financial issues, he's going through custody problems, and he just had a death in the family -- so I do believe he is telling the truth and it's not just a cop out. This all happened in the past few months, so I really do think he's just overwhelmed with everything and that's why he started to neglect me and our relationship. I tried to not put any demands on him, but when he started standing me up and stopped communicating/shutting me out I had to have a heart to heart with him.

 

He has also said, "I'm so unhappy with myself and my life right now, how am I supposed to be able to make you happy?" I so want him to be happy...

 

So, I know it's not something I should take personally, but part of me can't help it. If I were the right woman for you, you wouldn't need a time out to figure things out. We could figure it all out together and I'll just be there to support you.

 

I also think of things like, what will happen in the future when life goes downhill again. Are you going to want to bail and take a break again? Because that's not how it works. You don't just get to leave relationships when life gets rough.

 

Sorry this is so long and convoluted. Just looking for support. Feel like I just lost a huge part of me (we were also friends before we started dating). I love him but in my heart it doesn't feel right to sit around and wait. I'm not about to go out hunting for a new man, but it just doesn't feel right to stay with him when its only his needs getting met, worse if we're just friends. I'd rather be alone and focus on my life. Is that selfish?

 

And maybe I just don't want him to feel that I left him when he needed me, but I also feel that my continued presence in his life would hurt more than help things. I really do feel that me walking away now is our best shot of making this work in the long run (if it's in the cards for us), or at least for him to find himself and his worth again

 

Your thoughts would be much appreciated. Thanks everyone.

Edited September 14, 2016 by snow_white

[sooshi]

I love him but in my heart it doesn't feel right to sit around and wait. I'm not about to go out hunting for a new man, but it just doesn't feel right to stay with him when its only his needs getting met, worse if we're just friends. I'd rather be alone and focus on my life. Is that selfish?

 

No, it's not selfish. It's selfish if it's all about getting his needs met.

 

You're right: Don't sit around and wait for him.

 

Someone doesn't get into a relationship for 1.5 years and then realize they're not ready for one. That's a decision to make before entering into a relationship.

 

It sounds like he wants out. I don't see signs of commitment on his end.

 

It also sounds like you're focusing much more on his wants/needs/feelings than your own. Remember that you're not his caretaker. He is responsible for himself.

 

Move forward and focus on your wants, needs, and feelings. Focus on your life.

 

I said I deserve someone who is ALL IN with me and I won't stay with someone who isn't.

 

Remember that.

 

Take care.

[aloneinaz]

First of all, you should be very proud of yourself in how you handled this. You really seem to have a great head on your shoulders as you've thought this through.

 

I'm a guy. I can tell you w/100% sincerity that when things are not going well for me in life, I lean on my gal for support and love to help me navigate through it. I don't push her away. It's like us guys go back to being kids and want our mommy to help us make things better. Why do you think soldiers cry out for their mommy when they are shot on the battlefield?

 

So, you've read him right. He was feeding you BS excuses when he said "he needs to find himself". The bottom line is he didn't want to continue w/the relationship. It's NOT an indictment that you've done anything wrong or are a bad person. Everyone's ended a R/S.

 

What you should do is 100% worry about you and your needs now. Do you want to heal and move on w/your life? Exchange the things you have of each others ASAP and read the NC link above. You have a good head on you. Cut all contact to stop the BS, drama and pain. He's made his decision. Don't let him drag out the drama. Don't let him use you in a couple of weeks if he gets lonely and wants some intimacy or attention. Us guys love to do that. He should hear crickets if he contacts you again.

 

 

He said he doesn't want you in his life. Give it to him, heal and move on when you're ready to your next R/S.

[fromheart]

Going to be direct here, sorry if it hurts.

 

He'd fight for you if he wanted to be with you. He'd say he's going to work on himself to save his own life, and his life with you.

 

I'd walk away at this point, without looking back.

[fromheart]

I'll add something, some few people out there know when they are ready for a relationship or not. It could be that he's become in touch with himself enough to know this.

 

Its hard for us to know whether we're ready or not, we just jump in and hopefully love will solve everything.

 

It could be that he knows himself enough to back away for your sake, which would be a sign of love. But it is rare for a person to be that knowledgeable unfortunately.

 

Either way, walk on and look after yourself.