MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 You seem to think that people always follow the same thought patterns...that a person is either rational all the time or irrational all the time. Someone can love someone, but when all the factors are suddenly put in front of them and the reality of the situation and how it would affect others in the light of day, then your responsibilities as a parent come back into the forefront. Are you sure you are not telling yourself this to explain why your xmm stayed and did not leave to be with you? They ALL say if it was not for the kids, they would leave. It's all a bunch of crap. They are there because they are HAPPY. If they are not happy, they leave. Plenty of men get divorced, I know several and they were miserable and ended it, no infidelity. A married guy is not going to leave his wife if he loves her. He will just wait for a while and find another OW. We are all replaceable. The wife is not. 2
Midlifecrisis1 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 Are you sure you are not telling yourself this to explain why your xmm stayed and did not leave to be with you? They ALL say if it was not for the kids, they would leave. It's all a bunch of crap. They are there because they are HAPPY. If they are not happy, they leave. Plenty of men get divorced, I know several and they were miserable and ended it, no infidelity. A married guy is not going to leave his wife if he loves her. He will just wait for a while and find another OW. We are all replaceable. The wife is not. Actually, I'm speaking as a married woman who loved my xMM but would not have broken up my family for that love. Yes, I put my own desires first, but when push came to shove, I would not have left. I believe there are married men who feel the same. I don't think that if a married person loves someone else, they will leave for that. That's all. I just disagree with that blanket statement
DKT3 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 Actually, I'm speaking as a married woman who loved my xMM but would not have broken up my family for that love. Yes, I put my own desires first, but when push came to shove, I would not have left. I believe there are married men who feel the same. I don't think that if a married person loves someone else, they will leave for that. That's all. I just disagree with that blanket statement Hmm, having just recently read your threads, you cleared stated you were ready planning and wanting to leave your marriage. You stated that the two of you were planning and "getting in" with one anothers kids. This after four months in a the affair. Now you say you never wanted to leave.
Author Chica80 Posted October 29, 2016 Author Posted October 29, 2016 This is very interesting that your stbxh acted like most MM, so does mine!!! Ya ex....was good at alot of things....but not so good at others...I wouldn't say he's narcissistic, but he def falls on that side of the spectrum. 1
Author Chica80 Posted October 29, 2016 Author Posted October 29, 2016 I'm sorry about your stbxh. Moving on from him seems like the right decision. I'm not overly familiar with your story, but let me ask you this. Would you agree that a big part of love, romantic or otherwise, is expressed via a person's willingness to sacrifice? If you agree with that sentiment, then do you think a MM who has a wife at home and a secret girlfriend on the side is sacrificing anything at all? Yes I do believe that....and this may sound crazy.... But that's why I would choose to stay OW. Without going into too many details if I asked him to leave to be with me. It would ruin everything he has affect his career his relationship w his family.....why would I do that. Why would I want him to sacrifice everything he has worked for so that I can have him....that's selfish that is not loving on my part....
Midlifecrisis1 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 (edited) Hmm, having just recently read your threads, you cleared stated you were ready planning and wanting to leave your marriage. You stated that the two of you were planning and "getting in" with one anothers kids. This after four months in a the affair. Now you say you never wanted to leave. I'm still thinking that one day I will leave. But he was the one talking about planning and telling me to let him know when I was ready. I didn't say I didn't WANT to leave, I said I just wouldn't actually do it... At least not until my kids are grown. Edited October 29, 2016 by Midlifecrisis1
DKT3 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 I'm still thinking that one day I will leave. But he was the one talking about planning and telling me to let him know when I was ready. I didn't say I didn't WANT to leave, I said I just wouldn't actually do it... At least not until my kids are grown. I don't know, sounds to me like you two were acting like a couple teenagers living off in lalaland, chasing unicorns around rainbows.
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 I'm still thinking that one day I will leave. But he was the one talking about planning and telling me to let him know when I was ready. I didn't say I didn't WANT to leave, I said I just wouldn't actually do it... At least not until my kids are grown. I cannot understand this line of thinking. Does your H feel the same way? How old are you? Why waste your life with someone you may leave when your kids are grown? End it and meet someone new. Half my kids friends are divorced. Life is short. 2
Onlywhenitrains Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 This thread is a very interesting read! What is love? What is it, really??? One other question that comes to mind - we all read on this thread about reasons why MM/MW do not leave - children, finances, reputation, status, vows... What I can not understand - how come and why we didn't think about all those reasons when we were about to enter the A, when we were about to cross the line? How come that none of the reasons entered our mind? We didn't think things through? We are not talking teenagers here, but mostly if not completely, fully formed adults! Mind-boggling to put it mildly!!! 2
DKT3 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 I cannot understand this line of thinking. Does your H feel the same way? How old are you? Why waste your life with someone you may leave when your kids are grown? End it and meet someone new. Half my kids friends are divorced. Life is short. Lifestyle, her husband is either a lawyer or doctor, I don't recall which one.
malvern99 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 I'm still thinking that one day I will leave. But he was the one talking about planning and telling me to let him know when I was ready. I didn't say I didn't WANT to leave, I said I just wouldn't actually do it... At least not until my kids are grown. If you feel you are done with your marriage, what is the point of playing out the string? Better to pull the cord now when you and your BH are still young enough to find true love. Life is too short to waste it with someone you do not love or respect. You both deserve better. Best of luck. 2
malvern99 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 Lifestyle, her husband is either a lawyer or doctor, I don't recall which one. If this is true, I feel for that poor fellow.
malvern99 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 Yes I do believe that....and this may sound crazy.... But that's why I would choose to stay OW. Without going into too many details if I asked him to leave to be with me. It would ruin everything he has affect his career his relationship w his family.....why would I do that. Why would I want him to sacrifice everything he has worked for so that I can have him....that's selfish that is not loving on my part.... That's a novel way of looking at it. How sustainable would that lifestyle be though?
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 Yes I do believe that....and this may sound crazy.... But that's why I would choose to stay OW. Without going into too many details if I asked him to leave to be with me. It would ruin everything he has affect his career his relationship w his family.....why would I do that. Why would I want him to sacrifice everything he has worked for so that I can have him....that's selfish that is not loving on my part.... Sunshine...I say this kindly as we have chatted over the months. To choose to be his OW and feel his happiness is more important than yours demonstrates a total lack of self love. The lack of self love is the root of all suffering. You have a right in this life to be happy and to have a man of your own. I do not know why you don't see this and accept this lifestyle. But if it is as you say, that you love him too much to ask him to leave, then you should love him enough to let him go. Because to ask him to live a life between two worlds is not loving at all. That's actually pretty selfish. Which is why I think you should lay it on the line and see what he says. This has been going on for a long time now and you have a right to ask him what he wants. You ask, he answers, he picks one woman - we only get one person, unless you are in Utah or some tribe somewhere. Otherwise, you choose and you live with the consequences. I'm not attacking you Sunshine. For a while you were out of this and I am sad for you that you are back in the muck and mire. This is your life that is passing by. 2
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 Lifestyle, her husband is either a lawyer or doctor, I don't recall which one. Is this to me? What are you saying, he makes a good living?
DKT3 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 Sunshine...I say this kindly as we have chatted over the months. To choose to be his OW and feel his happiness is more important than yours demonstrates a total lack of self love. The lack of self love is the root of all suffering. You have a right in this life to be happy and to have a man of your own. I do not know why you don't see this and accept this lifestyle. But if it is as you say, that you love him too much to ask him to leave, then you should love him enough to let him go. Because to ask him to live a life between two worlds is not loving at all. That's actually pretty selfish. Which is why I think you should lay it on the line and see what he says. This has been going on for a long time now and you have a right to ask him what he wants. You ask, he answers, he picks one woman - we only get one person, unless you are in Utah or some tribe somewhere. Otherwise, you choose and you live with the consequences. I'm not attacking you Sunshine. For a while you were out of this and I am sad for you that you are back in the muck and mire. This is your life that is passing by. I don't think so, with sunshine there is an undertone of unavailable, I think this current relationship works for her. I believe she is slightly naive, and a tad delusional and the whole thing.
Midlifecrisis1 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 Lifestyle, her husband is either a lawyer or doctor, I don't recall which one. He is a doctor. We are late 40s. He may be biding his time too and doesn't want the financial ramifications of divorce.
malvern99 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 He is a doctor. We are late 40s. He may be biding his time too and doesn't want the financial ramifications of divorce. Is that just wayward projection or is there something behind that? I'm guessing communication between you and your BH is an issue.
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 I don't think so, with sunshine there is an undertone of unavailable, I think this current relationship works for her. I believe she is slightly naive, and a tad delusional and the whole thing. I guess. I can't relate at all. But that's me.
Author Chica80 Posted October 29, 2016 Author Posted October 29, 2016 I don't think so, with sunshine there is an undertone of unavailable, I think this current relationship works for her. I believe she is slightly naive, and a tad delusional and the whole thing. Yes this may be true
Author Chica80 Posted October 29, 2016 Author Posted October 29, 2016 Sunshine...I say this kindly as we have chatted over the months. To choose to be his OW and feel his happiness is more important than yours demonstrates a total lack of self love. The lack of self love is the root of all suffering. You have a right in this life to be happy and to have a man of your own. I do not know why you don't see this and accept this lifestyle. But if it is as you say, that you love him too much to ask him to leave, then you should love him enough to let him go. Because to ask him to live a life between two worlds is not loving at all. That's actually pretty selfish. Which is why I think you should lay it on the line and see what he says. This has been going on for a long time now and you have a right to ask him what he wants. You ask, he answers, he picks one woman - we only get one person, unless you are in Utah or some tribe somewhere. Otherwise, you choose and you live with the consequences. I'm not attacking you Sunshine. For a while you were out of this and I am sad for you that you are back in the muck and mire. This is your life that is passing by. Yes I agree with you. It's all selfish though truly no matter what happens. No I would not ask him to leave or choose I don't need to. I already know the answer. You are right about the double life. He doesn't want to do that. If I try to move on. He won't pull me back in. I know MB you are trying to be helpful
HeCantBreakMe Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 Yes this may be true No it isn't Sunshine- fight back on that! Are you truly happy being this man's OW? I cannot believe anyone posting on LS has their sh** together and is happy. We are all working hard to get there but we are currently a group of lost souls. It is okay to admit you are not happy. You know what- it is okay to tell MM you are not happy. I would just recommend doing it as you slam the door in his face. 2
Author Chica80 Posted October 29, 2016 Author Posted October 29, 2016 I meant true as in current relationship works because he's not totally available, and maybe that's what makes him safe. I'm not delusional or naive. I understand how the world works love is not always rainbows and unicorns and happy endings. And sometimes you give up things you love for things you love more.....
Author Chica80 Posted October 29, 2016 Author Posted October 29, 2016 STBXH is your point of reference, so you are favourably comparing your MM to him. However just because your MM is isn't overtly telling you what to do, he is still, I guess, pulling your strings. YOU are the besotted one here, he has said nothing whatsoever about loving you. Unfortunately, you are basing his "love" and assuming he loves you, by comparing him to your husband. He must love me as he doesn't try to control me, he doesn't yell and he doesn't use me and try to change me. BUT that is a false assumption. Being a decent human being and treating people nicely, does not equate to "love". Starved of love in your marriage, you went looking for it in a place that tends to not be about true love at all - an affair. Yes, actions speak louder than words, but if what you say is true about your husband, then just about anything positive done by your MM, will be seen as "love" by you, but that is not real "love". Your MM has you firmly "on the side", he is not leaving his wife, so he has to work doubly hard to keep you sweet. He therefore may do nice things for you, not for "love", as you are/were assuming, but just to keep as his OW. Wow...I don't know what to say about this? Alot of it resonates truly....not all but yes you may have a point
DKT3 Posted October 29, 2016 Posted October 29, 2016 No it isn't Sunshine- fight back on that! Are you truly happy being this man's OW? I cannot believe anyone posting on LS has their sh** together and is happy. We are all working hard to get there but we are currently a group of lost souls. It is okay to admit you are not happy. You know what- it is okay to tell MM you are not happy. I would just recommend doing it as you slam the door in his face. I don't want to speak for her, but she has mentioned that a man and relationship isn't so important for her now with all the other things.This is why, I believe she is OK with the current situation. I say she is naive and a tad delusional because it's really a her way of buffering from the possible rejection, and MM actually not picking her, which we all know is most likely. Let's nit forget, he got married after the affair started.
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