girlfriend ignores when mad

[waterbottleburden]

Whenever my girlfriend is mad about something, she never confront me but ignore me.

 

And when she does that, I would start worrying, it distract me from my daily life, and I really don't like that feeling. How do I take back the power I have given her? Sometimes I feel like I have no control over my emotion.

 

I feel like she doesnt respect me when that happens.

Edited September 14, 2016 by waterbottleburden

[ThisOverThat]

Oh dear.

 

Hey man, you can't. She knows she controls your emotions with hers and all without even saying a word, apparently. It's highly unlikely that anyone with a significant amount of control/power will release that without being faced with a serious threat. And if it's gotten this far, I doubt you can present a threat that would be taken seriously because she knows it won't be long before things go back to how she likes them. You can't grab anything back.

 

Either be happy following her lead or cut ties now and learn from you mistakes.

[waterbottleburden]

oh no, what I mean is more about my inner self.

 

How should I regulate my emotion or what kind of perspective should I have, to gain back the control of my own emotion.

 

You know how sometimes when a person do something to you, and it makes u feel bad. People would tell you not to give so much power to that person?

 

What I m asking is kinda like that

[Sunkissedpatio]

She stonewalls, meaning she won't discuss and just ignores and that's really unhealthy. The only thing you can do is tell her that while you understand that she will get upset of you make mistakes, this tendency to ignore is not something you want to partake in. It's a passive abuse, she needs to understand that.

 

If she doesn't then she isn't ready for a grownup relationship. People need a bit of space to cool down but others are not to be expected to read their minds.

[Sunkissedpatio]

oh no, what I mean is more about my inner self.

 

How should I regulate my emotion or what kind of perspective should I have, to gain back the control of my own emotion.

 

You know how sometimes when a person do something to you, and it makes u feel bad. People would tell you not to give so much power to that person?

 

What I m asking is kinda like that

 

But this is not one of those cases where it is left up to you to find coping mechanisms, stonewalling will always get the other person to try harder and to worry more. It's natural to react that way. What she is doing is abusive and should not be tolerated.

[waterbottleburden]

yeah exactly! I told her similar things too. That communication is important esp in the beginning of the relationship when we don't know each other's needs and want.

 

If this keeps up I will have to break it up, I can't date someone like this.

[waterbottleburden]

But this is not one of those cases where it is left up to you to find coping mechanisms, stonewalling will always get the other person to try harder and to worry more. It's natural to react that way. What she is doing is abusive and should not be tolerated.

 

oh? So you are saying as long as I still like her, there is no way I can just kinda 'cope' with it?

 

Ok I guess I will talk to her again, if she still keep it up, I will have to break it off

[basil67]

The way you've worded this post, it sounds like her getting mad is a relatively common occurrence which you have to deal with.

 

Just how often does she get mad? And what types of things does she get mad over?

[Sunkissedpatio]

yeah exactly! I told her similar things too. That communication is important esp in the beginning of the relationship when we don't know each other's needs and want.

 

If this keeps up I will have to break it up, I can't date someone like this.

 

Yes. Good for you! Take it from someone that took the long hard road with a stonewaller, it will take a lot to break her out of her pattern unless she is willing to see it as something totally unhealthy and that she needs to improve. Not you.

 

In relationships we will disappoint our partners and sometimes we will do it without intending to and still ignite anger but that doesn't excuse that type of reaction.

[waterbottleburden]

now that I think about it. It is kinda often. Once a week? But it doesn't last long, maybe half a day?

 

Last time i told her about the communication thing, she said she will try to understand and apologize for being immature. She did it again earlier.

 

We dated for 1-2 months only. Now that I started typing it out here, Im kinda not sure how to approach this anymore.

 

I feel like if I take this too seriously, it is 'unattractive'. Btw she never dated before, so it is understandable??

 

(@Sunkissedpatio, given these new information, does it change your opinion a bit? Cause it's understandable since she never dated before and she did apologize despite still falling into habit) But I stand strong about breaking it up if this keeps up, i dont want to get in too deep then cant pull out

Edited September 14, 2016 by waterbottleburden

[Sunkissedpatio]

oh? So you are saying as long as I still like her, there is no way I can just kinda 'cope' with it?

 

 

Well I am sure you can find a coping mechanism, like giving her space or like getting used to it and learning to let her go off and come back when and if she pleases but is that the kind of relationship you want?

 

 

What happens when something serious happens that she is angry about and she disappears for weeks on end? Is she just mad? Is she taking time to cool down? Is she breaking up with me? Are we never going to talk again? What?

 

If you find a way to cope that doesn't challenge her behaviour it will be like that.

 

So that it doesn't sound like you are attacking her, maybe make a pact with her that no matter what she is feeling you make a promise to her to listen to what she is feeling without judging her and actually listening to why she is hurt.

 

That is the only way you will get her to open up instead of shut down. Then you have to do it. Let her speak and let her express what she is mad about and before you jump to defend your actions acknowledge how she is feeling and then explain yourself. If she has enough good experiences expressing herself without being judged or shut down or made to feel like her feelings don't matter then she will feel more comfortable discussing instead of shutting down.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I see what you mean about not dating for long.

 

Ok, so you can still use the approach above and say it in a way that she understands that you are more than willing to hear her out and discuss what is bothering her but that you can't guess or read her mind. That's unfair and impossible for you to make amends if she is making you guess what you supposedly did wrong.

 

Find a time to discuss it when you are both calm and open not in the heat of a disagreement so that she is more open to what you are suggesting.

[basil67]

Once a week for half a day? Mate, that's crazy. This is something to walk away from - not something to cope with.

[ThisOverThat]

oh no, what I mean is more about my inner self.

 

How should I regulate my emotion or what kind of perspective should I have, to gain back the control of my own emotion.

 

You know how sometimes when a person do something to you, and it makes u feel bad. People would tell you not to give so much power to that person?

 

What I m asking is kinda like that

 

Yes. I understand.

 

Well the only thing I can think of is to not take her so seriously. You would have to see her as a whining child or your mother when she nags. Then you would be able to understand that the situation is not the focus but the person's fickle emotions.

[waterbottleburden]

@Sunkissedpatio I completely agree with you. I think that's better than what I've said before, esp the "pact with her that no matter what she is feeling you make a promise to her to listen to what she is feeling without judging her".

 

 

Now while I agree with this. My concern is that being this 'serious' would lose 'attraction'?

If she has dated before and older I would definitely say it without hesitation, cause she will appreciate it. But not only is she the conservative type, she is shy and has never dated before. Should I give her more time first? Or bring it out some other way? What do you think?

[waterbottleburden]

Yes. I understand.

 

Well the only thing I can think of is to not take her so seriously. You would have to see her as a whining child or your mother when she nags. Then you would be able to understand that the situation is not the focus but the person's fickle emotions.

 

 

hahah this might be the answer. Guess the way is to distance myself a bit

[Sunkissedpatio]

@Sunkissedpatio I completely agree with you. I think that's better than what I've said before, esp the "pact with her that no matter what she is feeling you make a promise to her to listen to what she is feeling without judging her".

 

 

Now while I agree with this. My concern is that being this 'serious' would lose 'attraction'?

If she has dated before and older I would definitely say it without hesitation, cause she will appreciate it. But not only is she the conservative type, she is shy and has never dated before. Should I give her more time first? Or bring it out some other way? What do you think?

 

Women, girls, ladies and grannies all respond well to being heard. That is the premise of my advice regardless of what her dating past has been and how long you have been dating.

 

Having said that, you need to feel comfortable having that kind of discussion with her. If it feels too serious right now, then sit it out for a bit and use the tactic that ThisOverThat recommended and keep that talk in your pocket for a later date. Then when you feel ready and it feels like things are moving along, or you've had enough (whichever comes first ) you can give that a try.

 

It's also very much about what you feel comfortable with.

 

Hope that helps and good luck.

 

Sounds like she just needs to learn a few things on communicating in relationships since she has never had a relationship. And while I also agree with Basil I am only giving her a pass because she is inexperienced and because you seem to really like her.

 

Hope it works out.

[GemmaUK]

Last time i told her about the communication thing, she said she will try to understand and apologize for being immature. She did it again earlier.

 

What did you actually say to her?

'I told her about the communication thing' doesn't tell us anything except that you have some kind of issue over communication. What issue is it that you brought up?

[Gaeta]

Half a day? I thought you meant she doesn't talk to you for days! I would not even notice if my BF didn't speak to me for half a day. Aren't you busy at school or work anyway?

 

So here is how to get back your power. When she doesn't get back to you because she is upset go do something else. I am sure you can figure out something to do for half a day or an entire day. Turn your phone off if you have to.

 

Here's the tricky part. When she gets back to you be very happy jolly upbeat and tell her : OH honey hello! I will get back to you in an hour I am busy with ABC right now.

 

That will completely throw her off because she expects you being glued to your phone waiting to hear from her. Show her you are doing just fine when she doesn't talk to you for Half a day.

[LookAtThisPOst]

What did you actually say to her?

'I told her about the communication thing' doesn't tell us anything except that you have some kind of issue over communication. What issue is it that you brought up?

 

The issue here is, she doesn't communicate. She goes silent. Thus not healthy, and when he approaches her about "the communication thing" which means...her simply NOT communicating...she still stonewalls him. Goes silent.

 

Time to launch.

[GemmaUK]

The issue here is, she doesn't communicate. She goes silent. Thus not healthy, and when he approaches her about "the communication thing" which means...her simply NOT communicating...she still stonewalls him. Goes silent.

 

Time to launch.

 

Finding out what his issues are and how he approaches said issues may help us to help him, her and the relationship.

Hopefully the OP will come back and let us know - I'd rather find out, think about it, listen to him and then see the bigger picture before having my own opinion on his post.

 

She goes off silent for half a day - yep, we know that part - but as yet we don't know what he is saying, nor what his issue with communication is.

Half a day isn't huge amounts of time either - for all we know his communication issue might be that she doesn't respond to a text from him within 5 minutes.

[waterbottleburden]

Thanks for all the advises! I will keep them in mind.

 

@Sunkissedpatio, Thanks, I feel a lot better after talking with you

@Gaeta: haha exactly what had happen before. Well it's obvious to me because she would ignore my questions (attempts to fix issues or understand her better) and do a one word reply. Or you will see her going on and off facebook without reading my msg. I do have work but i notice these stuff when Im home. I think I know how to approach this now though. Thanks

[GemmaUK]

Thanks for all the advises! I will keep them in mind.

 

@Sunkissedpatio, Thanks, I feel a lot better after talking with you

@Gaeta: haha exactly what had happen before. Well it's obvious to me because she would ignore my questions (attempts to fix issues or understand her better) and do a one word reply. Or you will see her going on and off facebook without reading my msg. I do have work but i notice these stuff when Im home. I think I know how to approach this now though. Thanks

 

OP, men who listen but don't attempt to fix things are worth their weight in gold.

If she wants you to fix problems that she is having then she'll ask for help. If she isn't asking for help then she is just looking for someone to listen and empathise.

 

One thing about when a man attempts to fix is that it can be conversation over - she can't elaborate - there's no point as you have given her an answer. If she carries on talking I guess you come up with another answer.

 

I think she just wants you to listen and give her a hug most likely.

If you do that she is less likely to disappear and abruptly stop communicating as she will know she can 'just' talk to you.

[katiegrl]

OP, you didn't answer the question -- what types of things are you doing that get her so mad?

 

And what would be the alternative?

 

Her throwing a fit and acting psycho about it?

 

Why? So you can flip it and make *her* the bad guy for acting psycho?

 

Instead of thinking about what *you* did that pissed her off?

 

Maybe she needs a day to cool off. And to give *you* time to reflect on *your* behavior (things you are doing that piss her off).

 

Depending on what you did (do) that piss her off, nothing wrong with that! Taking space in these situations is sometimes the best thing.

Edited September 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[smackie9]

I agree we are only getting YOUR side of things here, we don't know her perspective or the dynamics of your relationship. More than once we are faced with posts that are manipulated to put the OP in a better light.