Every single day for 3.5 months, when does it stop!!?

[mg101]

I literally think of him one way or another EVERY SINGLE DAY since May 28.

I feel like i should be further along.

I've deleted all social media for months now.

I don't discuss him like i used.

 

I just want one day without thinking of him.

When did you stop thinking of your ex?

I'm scared it'll be like this for months or longer.

Idk what to do. I've tried keeping busy, working out, etc.

But he's still the first thought as soon as i wake up.

Some days are better than others but it's always there.

[Blanco]

The intensity with which I thought about my exes became more subdued the further I got removed from the breakups. As much of an advocate as I am for not jumping into new relationships right after a breakup, especially as a means to get over a breakup, I'll be honest: I only really reached that elusive point of indifference about an ex once I had a strong interest in someone else.

[JewelD]

Everybody is different and it won't help to compare the time it takes you to get over this to someone else's experience. It all depends on how long the relationship was, how it ended, and what kind of person you are.

 

I can't tell you exactly how long it took me to stop thinking about my ex. And that's because it was something gradual that happened. I didn't wake up one day and just stop having thoughts about him, but over time my feelings started to change. I still think about him occasionally but they're not thoughts of longing or thoughts of murder. They're mostly thoughts of indifference and being amazed that I was able to get through that time to where I am now.

 

I wrote in my journal a lot and that helped me work through my feelings. Staying busy didn't necessarily help for me either because I'm the type of person who can multi task and still find the time to dwell on things that are bothering me. As long as you're going about your daily life and not just laying around in bed thinking about him all day, that will be enough.

 

A piece of advice that I heard once is to fake it till you make it. If you want to get back to your old self where you weren't thinking about him all the time and you want to feel normal again, then you have to start acting normal. Even if you're not really into it and you don't think it's working, keep living your life and keep doing stuff.

[aloneinaz]

You're on the right path and are doing the right things. Thinking about an ex at your stage is normal. Just don't give the thoughts too much importance. Let the float in and then float right back out.

 

Each month that passes you'll continue to see the frequency fade along with the intensity. As mentioned already, when you really like the next person who enters your life, that will really help diminish the thoughts of the ex.

 

Also, I still think of my last couple of ex's occasionally. A song pops up. A restaurant I'm at, etc.. It doesn't bother me at all and I think it's normal.

[mg101]

The intensity with which I thought about my exes became more subdued the further I got removed from the breakups. As much of an advocate as I am for not jumping into new relationships right after a breakup, especially as a means to get over a breakup, I'll be honest: I only really reached that elusive point of indifference about an ex once I had a strong interest in someone else.

 

I have a feeling that will be the case with me as well.

But i feel so mentally stuck i can't even gather myself to meet someone. The men I've met make me even more nostalgic for the familiar and i think is because I'm attracting at my level of optimism and mental availability. That whole laws of attraction bit.

I just want him out of my mind space.

NC is really hard. I've ignored his msgs, the last which was early August. Even when you know there's nothing to really discuss that would make the relationship salvagable, it still feels like it's not resolved in some sense.

I wish i had a mind eraser.

[mg101]

Everybody is different and it won't help to compare the time it takes you to get over this to someone else's experience. It all depends on how long the relationship was, how it ended, and what kind of person you are.

 

I can't tell you exactly how long it took me to stop thinking about my ex. And that's because it was something gradual that happened. I didn't wake up one day and just stop having thoughts about him, but over time my feelings started to change. I still think about him occasionally but they're not thoughts of longing or thoughts of murder. They're mostly thoughts of indifference and being amazed that I was able to get through that time to where I am now.

 

I wrote in my journal a lot and that helped me work through my feelings. Staying busy didn't necessarily help for me either because I'm the type of person who can multi task and still find the time to dwell on things that are bothering me. As long as you're going about your daily life and not just laying around in bed thinking about him all day, that will be enough.

 

A piece of advice that I heard once is to fake it till you make it. If you want to get back to your old self where you weren't thinking about him all the time and you want to feel normal again, then you have to start acting normal. Even if you're not really into it and you don't think it's working, keep living your life and keep doing stuff.

 

Thank you. I've been faking it pretty well so far.

The journaling helps. Ive been doing it as needed.

I just thought I'd be much further along by now.

Some days by thoughts are nostalgic, others, regretful, disappointed, angry etc. All over the place.

[mg101]

You're on the right path and are doing the right things. Thinking about an ex at your stage is normal. Just don't give the thoughts too much importance. Let the float in and then float right back out.

 

Each month that passes you'll continue to see the frequency fade along with the intensity. As mentioned already, when you really like the next person who enters your life, that will really help diminish the thoughts of the ex.

 

Also, I still think of my last couple of ex's occasionally. A song pops up. A restaurant I'm at, etc.. It doesn't bother me at all and I think it's normal.

 

Thanks.

Do you believe the theory it takes half the time of the relatiinship on average to move on? If so, i have 5 months left...my goodness. I hope not.

[NotASkunk]

Everybody is different and it won't help to compare the time it takes you to get over this to someone else's experience. It all depends on how long the relationship was, how it ended, and what kind of person you are.

 

I can't tell you exactly how long it took me to stop thinking about my ex. And that's because it was something gradual that happened. I didn't wake up one day and just stop having thoughts about him, but over time my feelings started to change. I still think about him occasionally but they're not thoughts of longing or thoughts of murder. They're mostly thoughts of indifference and being amazed that I was able to get through that time to where I am now.

 

I wrote in my journal a lot and that helped me work through my feelings. Staying busy didn't necessarily help for me either because I'm the type of person who can multi task and still find the time to dwell on things that are bothering me. As long as you're going about your daily life and not just laying around in bed thinking about him all day, that will be enough.

 

A piece of advice that I heard once is to fake it till you make it. If you want to get back to your old self where you weren't thinking about him all the time and you want to feel normal again, then you have to start acting normal. Even if you're not really into it and you don't think it's working, keep living your life and keep doing stuff.

 

I got the same fake it till you make it advice for my therapist. I am finding it helpful too. But most of all it takes time. You'll never forget the good times, hopefully the bad times will fade. All the best to you.

[Blanco]

I have a feeling that will be the case with me as well.

But i feel so mentally stuck i can't even gather myself to meet someone. The men I've met make me even more nostalgic for the familiar and i think is because I'm attracting at my level of optimism and mental availability. That whole laws of attraction bit.

I just want him out of my mind space.

NC is really hard. I've ignored his msgs, the last which was early August. Even when you know there's nothing to really discuss that would make the relationship salvagable, it still feels like it's not resolved in some sense.

I wish i had a mind eraser.

 

NC is much easier when you've actually blocked all forms of communication and aren't just ignoring them.

[BC1980]

Thinking about someone isn't necessarily bad in and of itself. It's the emotions you feel as a result of thinking about your ex that are the problem. Realistically, you can't will yourself to stop thinking about your ex, so maybe you should change your goal. Instead of having the goal of not thinking about him, maybe decide that when he pops into your head, you will journal about the emotions you feel as a result. Then, you can work on those feelings.

 

I think about my ex daily, and it's been well over 3 years since we broke up. But when I think of him, I don't feel any emotion. I just think of him out of habit, and it's a passing thought. It's gotten less frequent over time, and I'm sure, at some point, I will rarely think about him. It took me a long time to get to the point that I didn't feel any emotion when he popped into my head, but that day will come for you.

[BC1980]

NC is really hard. I've ignored his msgs, the last which was early August. Even when you know there's nothing to really discuss that would make the relationship salvagable, it still feels like it's not resolved in some sense.

I wish i had a mind eraser.

 

I would suggest blocking him if he still contacts you because every time he contacts you, it's going to keep him in your mind longer and trigger an emotional response. That's a surefire way to never move on.

[whatnot]

I've seen my ex 1 time this year (I believe it was mar, not sure....went NC first week of June). 6 year relationship.

 

She's on my mind ALOT lol.

 

 

2 years (for me) before I'll be ready to date again. (if my divorce was any indication....it was in '06. I didn't want to look at another woman for about 2 years).

 

But that's fine. I'm alive.

 

tears can still surprise me but....it's more about the pathos of life in general....which still obviously is colored by my loss.

 

don't know if this helps...but there it is.

 

Good luck to you

[whatnot]

LOL and that pi$$es me off lol

 

 

and makes me sad...

Edited September 14, 2016 by whatnot

[aloneinaz]

Thanks.

Do you believe the theory it takes half the time of the relatiinship on average to move on? If so, i have 5 months left...my goodness. I hope not.

 

I've never bought into the time frames of X amount of time to get over something. My last ex and I split. I was a mess the first month. Couldn't eat, sleep, function. By month two, I was feeling better. Could eat/sleep/function. Started working out. I went HARD CORE NC. I vanished from her life and blocked her on all social media.

 

Now, I'm a HUGE advocate of getting back on the dating horse when we're able. I knew I'd never go out w/that ex again. By 2 months I started casual dating again. I NEEDED to get out of the house. I missed female company. I missed laughter and attention from the opposite sex. I'm not an advocate of waiting to REALLY make sure I'm 100% over my last ex so I must stay home lonely, sad, bored while pining over the ex. F-that! Lifes too short! Understand that everyone back in the dating arena is at SOME STAGE of getting over their last ex. EVERYONE! If you have a date or two w/someone, it's pretty OBVIOUS if they are not over their last ex and would go back to them. You don't have date three w/them.

 

My mindset was that R/S didn't work and we'd tried already a couple of times to make it work (I'll never do that again). I was done. She was my past. I wasn't going back only forward.

 

Dating was VERY healing for me. Laughing, having fun again was what the doctor ordered. Even on dates where I had no connection, I still enjoyed their company and getting out of the house. A few months later I met my now fiance. She was also getting over her last ex. We took it casual for several months and then realized we had something special.

 

I would have NEVER met her had I stayed at home "healing" for months and months and months...There's a lot of truth in the expression "you don't get over you last until you get under your current"!

[Blanco]

Context is important, and thus, there isn't a one-size-fits-all approach to getting over a breakup. It matters why the relationship ended.

 

Was it just a poor fit? OK, then maybe after a couple of months, you'll feel ready and willing to try dating.

 

Was there something more involved with the breakup? Cheating? Emotional/physical abuse? Poor communication? If so, then I think it can be unhelpful in the long run to table these issues in favor of finding a replacement to get over the last person.

 

I've been single for a year and a half, even though it's been a long time since I wanted to actually be with my last girlfriend. There's just so much I've wanted to improve about myself, both as an individual and a prospective romantic partner. There comes a point where you've actually gotta do something that puts these things into practice (i.e. dating), but I'm glad I didn't rush back into dating after my breakup. If I had, it's highly unlikely I would have addressed and worked on some of the shortcomings I have as a person and a partner.

[Exformer]

First day of school, a teacher of mine once put an outline of all the topics we would need to know to pass his class. along with that list, he wrote down one thing we would not need to remember to pass his class as a joke and to prove a point. I can't tell you what we were supposed to remember, but what we weren't supposed to remember was the number 17. That was 16 years ago.

 

You're actively trying not to think of someone, so of course you think about not thinking about him...and you then think about him. Instead of trying not to think about him, stop worrying about whether or not he pops into your brain. Its okay to remember people who were important to you. Just go about your life without that pressure over you. Focus on new things and people, and don't be bothered by memories. Eventually you'll think about him less, and then one day you won't think about him at all, except you won't even notice you did it, because it doesn't matter anymore.

[HeartbrokenHooligan]

IM in the same boat. everyday is a struggle and I always wonder to myself when can just stop and get over it I guess it will take more time. Were you the one that ended things with him?

[mg4514]

mg101, listen, it's normal. There is no formula for how long it will last, but it's okay. Believe it or not: It's actually healthy. You need to feel the loss in order to fully process it. If you jump into something else, you're not allowing yourself to feel it.

 

Think of it like a drug or alcohol. You're experiencing withdraw. Many people turn to alcohol when they encounter problems. They never solve those problems because they don't process it. They're just using alcohol to mask it, or distract from it. Same thing here. Allow yourself to experience the loss. After awhile you WILL get to a point where you'll get mad. Then you'll get to a point where you accept it. Now acceptance doesn't mean you agree with what happened..it just means it doesn't effect you.

 

Put another way. I'm on month 12 as of TODAY. I still think of her every single day. Some people (like me) just take longer to finish processing. Stay with it, I promise you'll be fine. Do not break NC unless you're fully prepared to uncover information you DONT want to know. Keep doing what you're doing. Get out in the sun. Do things to improve your health. Get strong. One day you'll wake up, and you won't think of him.

[Broken2016]

I've never bought into the time frames of X amount of time to get over something. My last ex and I split. I was a mess the first month. Couldn't eat, sleep, function. By month two, I was feeling better. Could eat/sleep/function. Started working out. I went HARD CORE NC. I vanished from her life and blocked her on all social media.

 

Now, I'm a HUGE advocate of getting back on the dating horse when we're able. I knew I'd never go out w/that ex again. By 2 months I started casual dating again. I NEEDED to get out of the house. I missed female company. I missed laughter and attention from the opposite sex. I'm not an advocate of waiting to REALLY make sure I'm 100% over my last ex so I must stay home lonely, sad, bored while pining over the ex. F-that! Lifes too short! Understand that everyone back in the dating arena is at SOME STAGE of getting over their last ex. EVERYONE! If you have a date or two w/someone, it's pretty OBVIOUS if they are not over their last ex and would go back to them. You don't have date three w/them.

 

My mindset was that R/S didn't work and we'd tried already a couple of times to make it work (I'll never do that again). I was done. She was my past. I wasn't going back only forward.

 

Dating was VERY healing for me. Laughing, having fun again was what the doctor ordered. Even on dates where I had no connection, I still enjoyed their company and getting out of the house. A few months later I met my now fiance. She was also getting over her last ex. We took it casual for several months and then realized we had something special.

 

I would have NEVER met her had I stayed at home "healing" for months and months and months...There's a lot of truth in the expression "you don't get over you last until you get under your current"!

 

Can I ask- How did your ex feel about this? Was she not hurt that a few months later you were engaged to someone else?

[springy]

Let's see...now I wish I had journaled or something but the few notes I did write throughout that process are so embarrassingly pitiful to read I guess I should be glad I didn't document. As of a matter of fact I need to burn those so no one ever sees them should I die unexpectedly...I'm so serious.

 

Anyway, 3.5 year relationship where I got overlapped by a guy who gave no indication that he was a cheater, and who I had just said to someone with 1000% confidence a week prior that he was the most consistent/stable person I knew. Ha! Of course him having someone who he publicly displayed as the best relationship ever (within days of dumping me) magnified my pain. I'd say it was 3 months before the daily crying stopped, but at 6 months I was still thinking about him way more than I wanted and still shedding tears more than I cared to. It was also around the 6 month mark that I found out he had impregnated and moved in with overlap; a day I couldn't go to work because the town was snowed in. At home, by myself, and it was cold. That was lovely...

 

The first year he was on my mind heavy. I was anxious about the baby (idk why it's not like I actually wanted him back at that point. It was all about rejection/ego I think) and had to put in conscious effort not to think about him during holidays, let his absence ruin my holidays. He had integrated into my family, we did so much together.

 

Baby was born and I thought about how happy he was now, he had a fresh baby and overlap, the best things he could ever have in his life (I was so pitiful). Time progressed and people could bring him up without me going into some long rant (so embarrassing to think about now). By the time year 2 rolled around I was doing quite well. Still thought about him a lot but was no longer afraid to run into him and overlap around town. Year 3 came and went this past summer and the date didn't even register. I have seen him and overlap several times around town and their cute little baby (darn it, baby had to be adorable) and it doesn't phase me one bit. The second they/he/baby are out of sight they are out of mind.

 

You will get there, but I think I saw you are still getting messages from him. That has to stop. Block it. Seriously. Even a little bit of contact gets your mind spinning all over again. I unfriended him and took a year off FB because even being on there was a trigger.

 

It will be different for everyone. I am very commitment minded, get very attached and am a slow healer. Mostly a silent one who doesn't share much of what she's thinking but I work it out and do a lot of self talk to get things out. Maybe the not sharing is why it takes me so long. I'm very private when it comes to my feelings, always have been.

 

It was the end of the day some days ago before I realized it was my ex's birthday. I realized that only because I was at the bday dinner of a good friend who used to call him her birthday twin. The thought dropped into my mind as I was leaving the dinner. I smiled as I walked out the door.

 

Forget time frames. Be patient with yourself. Block all modes of communication (I didn't have to because Mr. Consistent never contacted me again, ouch!) Keep pressing on. You will get there.

Edited September 15, 2016 by springy

[aloneinaz]

Can I ask- How did your ex feel about this? Was she not hurt that a few months later you were engaged to someone else?

 

As I mentioned, we were both honest w/each other that we'd both gotten out of bad R/S's in our recent past. We kept it casual for the first several months before committing to a R/S.

 

We dated for 3 years before we got engaged.

[Redhead14]

Thank you. I've been faking it pretty well so far.

The journaling helps. Ive been doing it as needed.

I just thought I'd be much further along by now.

Some days by thoughts are nostalgic, others, regretful, disappointed, angry etc. All over the place.

 

Some people find it useful to set aside a period of time each day to sit with thoughts and emotions, say a half an hour and at the end of that time, force yourself to do something else, anything else to distract yourself and focus on something else. It's important to allow yourself to feel the emotions and release them, so to speak, and not bottle them up. It's kinda like a tea kettle releasing a little steam so it doesn't boil over. After a while, you'll find that you'll need less and less time each day for that. Journaling is good too but you need to experience the emotions rather than just have the thoughts.

 

And, a break up is like grieving a death and each person goes through various stages and experience those stages at different times, etc. The fact that you are all over the place, suggests that you aren't allowing yourself to really be in touch with those emotions enough. It's good to keep busy but not to completely squash or push emotions down/away. That is about suppression which leads to depression which leads to the feeling of just going through the motions of living.

 

And, the old cliché applies . . . time heals wounds . . . be patient with and good to yourself. Do something nice for yourself everyday even if it's something tiny. Buy yourself something you've always wanted, go someplace you've been wanting to visit. Try new things, anything and everything. Be adventurous.

[heartbrokenlady]

I'm thinking about trying meditation. I've always intended to turn to it, and given that I'm currently preferring to stay home and not see anyone, that might fit in well.

 

Anything that helps at this point would be a good thing.