TooRational Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 Ok, so I'm struggling about how to handle the dating process with a girl I've dated twice. We also did activities together before official dates. At this point we've been flirting for about 6 weeks. It's been slow because we are both shy and reserved and I'm quite busy. To be blunt, I think that I'm just enjoying the chase and the game and not actually the girl. It's definitely not love at first sight and feelings might develop but I'm afraid I'll hurt the girl in the process since I feel the odds are low. There's not much chemistry but she's attracted to me. This is the first time in my life where I'm both free to date AND have the necessary confidence to enjoy the process (separated from an 18 years relationship ~11 months ago, see my other posts if you wanna know more). I must admit that it's a big ego boost to see that I can have success in flirting with girls, I like it. At this point I'm fairly confident that I could play the game and sleep with her a few times, then breakup if it's going nowhere. But I'd feel like a total jerk to do that. But then again, maybe chemistry will develop and it's not dishonest to give it a shot. I've only had 3 sex partners in my life and I'd like the opportunity to experience that side of life more. It would have been easier if we just slept the first night... There would have been no expectations on either side the first time obviously. Now that we've been dating, I feel that I'm creating relationship expectations that I don't think I can meet. We met in a group activity btw, not a dating site. I'm not quite ready for a relationship and wasn't really looking (in fact I don't really want one right now) but I couldn't resist flirting. I've been playing with fire and now I'm afraid to hurt someone in the process. What do you guys think? Should I just admit that I would be more comfortable with FWB or just go with the flow and give a chance for feelings to develop?
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 As long as you are willing to lay the cards out on the table and tell her that your intentions are for no relationship whatsoever but just to hang, then you can certainly proceed once she is given the option to make an educated decision. Anything less than that you already know it's wrong and misleading and unfair to her to lead her on because you are recently single and need an ego boost. So no need to reiterate that. 2
BaileyB Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 Agreed. You need to tell her how you feel and let her make an informed decision. It's not a good thing to sleep with her so that you can have the experience, when you don't think you are feeling it and believe you will break up with her shortly. Not a good thing to do to someone. 1
Gloria25 Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 Show her what you posted here... Guaranteed she won't let you near her. I cringe when I read stuff like this. People are human beings with hearts and feelings. They have a right to know deep down how you see them. She or any woman isn't some bike you can ride a few times cuz you're bored and decide if the ride feels good or not. I highly recommend that you leave her alone or tell her verbatim what you posted here and leave it up to her to "wing" it, roll the dice, yeah all that. 1
Mysteryman9110 Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 You are under no obligation to her to tell her this and you are under no obligation to enter into a long term relationship with her. Just because you guys had sex doesn't require you to do anything special. You both wanted it and she is a grown adult. If she wasn't willing to do that without any strings attached this its on her. Take it one day at a time and see how it goes. You are assuming she wants a long term relationship. She could easily find you attractive and may just be happy with the way things are as well.
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 You are under no obligation to her to tell her this and you are under no obligation to enter into a long term relationship with her. Just because you guys had sex doesn't require you to do anything special. You both wanted it and she is a grown adult. If she wasn't willing to do that without any strings attached this its on her. Take it one day at a time and see how it goes. You are assuming she wants a long term relationship. She could easily find you attractive and may just be happy with the way things are as well. Are you kidding? He already said he knows he will only want to hit it and quit it, and he feels already he is leading her on because he is dating her and spending time with her as you would someone you want to see a relationship grow. This is the reason so many people are being mislead and left jaded and angry about the whole dating process because of selfish misleading people that use others to their benefit. TooRational clearly isn't like that and does care about her feelings otherwise he wouldn't even be questioning it. It's good to reflect and do what is right if you know what you want. Very different if he didn't know yet. 1
Buddhist Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 I hope I don't come off as an a-hole here, but for someone who's out of an 18yr relationship you sound quite lacking in maturity. I thought I was reading the thoughts of a 20yr old. Well at least you know that she's going to be hurt, that is something. As a woman I would absolutely hate for a guy who is not actually attracted to me to be dating me and flirting with me. That's the definition of being led on. You are creating expectations in her because I can guarantee that she has no idea you're not actually interested in her. All your actions say that you are. As nice as it is to know you've still got 'it' why don't you save it for someone who just wants a quick bang from you and is happy to move on afterwards instead of playing around with the emotions of someone who is probably quite sincere and hopeful of things developing. Yes, tell her you only want FWB at least then she knows, you don't really feel for her. You just want sex. Someone older than 20yr old isn't a 'girl' by the way. She's a woman. Treat her with a bit of respect and stop creating these false expectations in her. You can't really blame her at this point for thinking it's going somewhere. 2
Author TooRational Posted September 14, 2016 Author Posted September 14, 2016 Thanks for all the responses everyone. I knew I would get some harsh feedback and that's fair, I'm not proud of the situation. Yes I do lack relationship maturity, which is partly why I'm asking for advice here. I've only had three partners in my life. I kinda knew the answer to my question before posting but putting it out there was a way to force myself to take the right actions. I have a date planned with her on Friday. I'll come clean tonight about my feelings and expectations. Not necessarily something that's easy to do as I'll probably hurt her in the process, but better now than later.
Larryville Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 I cringe when I read stuff like this. People are human beings with hearts and feelings. They have a right to know deep down how you see them. She or any woman isn't some bike you can ride a few times cuz you're bored and decide if the ride feels good or not. You both wanted it and she is a grown adult. If she wasn't willing to do that without any strings attached this its on her. There is another current thread where an OP Woman is worrying about being insecure, wondering if the guy she is with would cheat, past issues affecting current and future relationships. I just fundamentally know that a significant portion of the human population is F’ed up and you should guide and live your life accordingly. Everyone should keep their guard up, learn how to read people better, don’t ignore the warning signs. Intuitive women who are good at reading the warning signs of dudes like OP would know he is not serious and a “player.” As stated we are all adults and should know better and understand how to protect ourselves from relationship pitfalls. I'm NOT excusing OP's behavior just saying to always be on guard. Trust in a relationship must be earned.
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 I have a date planned with her on Friday. I'll come clean tonight about my feelings and expectations. Not necessarily something that's easy to do as I'll probably hurt her in the process, but better now than later. You'd be surprised, some women will choose to proceed hoping they can change your mind but accepting that those are the current expectations. And in that case - giddy up! At least you are being up front about your intentions. That's commendable. Not an easy conversation for sure. You don't need to tell her she isn't rel material for you but you can tell her I'm not looking for anything steady right now so if that appeals to you I like hanging out with you.
Redhead14 Posted September 14, 2016 Posted September 14, 2016 Ok, so I'm struggling about how to handle the dating process with a girl I've dated twice. We also did activities together before official dates. At this point we've been flirting for about 6 weeks. It's been slow because we are both shy and reserved and I'm quite busy. To be blunt, I think that I'm just enjoying the chase and the game and not actually the girl. It's definitely not love at first sight and feelings might develop but I'm afraid I'll hurt the girl in the process since I feel the odds are low. There's not much chemistry but she's attracted to me. This is the first time in my life where I'm both free to date AND have the necessary confidence to enjoy the process (separated from an 18 years relationship ~11 months ago, see my other posts if you wanna know more). I must admit that it's a big ego boost to see that I can have success in flirting with girls, I like it. At this point I'm fairly confident that I could play the game and sleep with her a few times, then breakup if it's going nowhere. But I'd feel like a total jerk to do that. But then again, maybe chemistry will develop and it's not dishonest to give it a shot. I've only had 3 sex partners in my life and I'd like the opportunity to experience that side of life more. It would have been easier if we just slept the first night... There would have been no expectations on either side the first time obviously. Now that we've been dating, I feel that I'm creating relationship expectations that I don't think I can meet. We met in a group activity btw, not a dating site. I'm not quite ready for a relationship and wasn't really looking (in fact I don't really want one right now) but I couldn't resist flirting. I've been playing with fire and now I'm afraid to hurt someone in the process. What do you guys think? Should I just admit that I would be more comfortable with FWB or just go with the flow and give a chance for feelings to develop? You need to get clear in your head about what your dating goals are PERIOD. Either you are dating casually or you are dating for the purpose of finding a long-term partner. When you figure that out, you need to be upfront and honest with whomever you are dating about those goals. Be honest with this woman and don't string her along. If she's looking for a long-term partner, she'll want to be dated that way. If she says she's said she's looking for long-term and then "accepts" FWB, she's not being honest with herself and hoping it will turn into something more . . .
Author TooRational Posted September 14, 2016 Author Posted September 14, 2016 You need to get clear in your head about what your dating goals are PERIOD. Either you are dating casually or you are dating for the purpose of finding a long-term partner. Is it even possible to date casually? Isn't that an oxymoron? It seems to me that dating is the process of figuring out if two people are compatible enough to form a relationship. If there's no desire for a relationship, then it's closer to FWB, isn't it? As for my dating goals, I'm not sure. I just grabbed an opportunity. Actually I probably shouldn't even date at this point in time because I'm not ready for a relationship (still thinking about my ex, too busy, more self-improvement work needed, etc). I would enjoy casual hookups however. I'm now realizing that I'd have more success in a bar or on Tinder for what I'm looking for. Expectations are more clear then. When flirting with a random woman, it's harder. I don't have the courage to be super upfront and say that I'm just looking for casual sex. So flirting and pursuing gives the impression that I'm looking for a relationship... Anyhow, I'll try my best to have enough courage to be as honest as possible tonight. Who knows, maybe that's what she's looking for too. I feel like a total dating newbie, which I am.
Author TooRational Posted September 15, 2016 Author Posted September 15, 2016 A little update. So I sent her an e-mail where I did my best to clarify my expectations. I wasn't as blunt as in my first post but clearly stated that I wasn't looking for a long-term relationship. A phone call would have been even better probably but I feel like I can express myself better in writing. So what was her reaction? As good as I could have expected. Apparently I had hinted previously that I wasn't looking for a long term relationship so she already had low expectations about that. She said that she just enjoyed my company and that this was enough for her at the moment. So I feel relieved that I was able to be honest with her and the date Friday night is still on. I'm looking forward to spending a nice evening with her, genuinely. I kinda feel like a weight is off my shoulders. I guess that this could turn out to be "casual dating" after all, whatever that means. I'm still afraid to hurt her though in the long run. Good communication, as always, will be key. 2
Mysteryman9110 Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 Yeah, it's just like I told you earlier. She probably just wants a casual thing too. Of course you should never lead someone on and lie to them, but you aren't required to have the future mapped out after a few months. I think its perfectly normal for both people to be unsure and have doubts about the relationship after such a short time.
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 Yeah, it's just like I told you earlier. She probably just wants a casual thing too. Of course you should never lead someone on and lie to them, but you aren't required to have the future mapped out after a few months. I think its perfectly normal for both people to be unsure and have doubts about the relationship after such a short time. But he doesn't have doubts or is unsure, he said he is pretty and has already determined he will not want anything serious with her after the few dates they had. So to stay quiet after that is misleading and totally uncool especially if he can sense she wants more.
Author TooRational Posted September 15, 2016 Author Posted September 15, 2016 Sunkissedpatio, I can't predict the future. I'm not sure of anything. Who knows, a relationship might even happen but that's not my intention at this point and I wanted to make that clear, which I did. Now hopefully we can just hang out, have fun, and see how things develop. Maybe once I get to know her better, I'll fall for her.
Sunkissedpatio Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 True no one can predict the future, but typically when two people get together and want to date it is based on chemistry/physical attraction and what is still up in the air and to be determined and cannot be predicted is if you will actually enjoy each other enough and have enough commonalities to continue seeing each other. What you are saying now is not what you said in the opening post To be blunt, I think that I'm just enjoying the chase and the game and not actually the girl. It's definitely not love at first sight and feelings might develop but I'm afraid I'll hurt the girl in the process since I feel the odds are low. There's not much chemistry but she's attracted to me. Again, attraction can grow over time if you are inclined to see it through. But it looks like on that front you are not interested in that either so not sure what there is to predict other than what you are already feeling. It's good for now but not for long term.
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