adamwillston Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 Here's the backstory. I am a male in my early twenties, I've struggled with depression, anxiety and alcohol addiction and engaged in many risky behaviours in my past which have led to even more problems. A lot of it was my old patterns, people I was hanging out with, etc. In the past 3 years of university I never felt connected to anyone, always engaging in meaningless sex out of a desire to meet the girl of my dreams that would change all that. About a year ago I met that girl. She's the girl of my dreams, emotionally intelligent, my friends and family all love her and I've been able to open up about my past struggles with her. I have been completely transparent, and the fact that she accepts me for it shows me how much she really loves me and I love her even more for that. We started out long distance (3 hours away) due to school but I eventually dropped out for anxiety and depressive issues. Over the next year I went through counselling, built a happy functional relationship with her and totally fell in love. She always inspired me to build a better life for myself and become the man I want to be and that I feel she deserves. The love I have for her and the love I feel back is stronger than any feeling I've ever had for another human being ever. When I graduate I want to marry her. Anyways last week I went back to school and started getting my plans together for my future. The plan is to see each other every few weeks but we talk on the phone every night and I totally trust her not to cheat. When I got back to school, I felt myself transform back into the person I used to be through hanging with old friends, bad habits and alcohol abuse. I thought in the moment like I had to get it out of my system and enjoy the remainder of the frosh week. Its worth mentioning that I hardly drank on my year off and became good at resisting and only having a few at social functions. I would flirt with girls because my single friends were doing it. After a 2 day bender I could feel myself losing mental stability. I should have listened by I succumbed to peer pressure and pushed on. I got totally smashed at the bar, a girl we met a day earlier found me and I left with her. I don't understand why I wanted her, she's not my type at all, if I was sober I would have been repulsed. I brought her back and felt my conscience kick in but I couldn't stop myself. It was like watching a horror movie and not being able to do anything.I had protected sex with her, walked her home and major guilt gripped me. I passed out and when I woke up I had the biggest hangover of my life and had made the worst decision of my life. All I want is to go back and fix this. I ended up blocking the OW on all forms of social media and blocking her number. I have no desire to see her again or cheat again. I can't afford to feel this way again. The guilt I felt has only gotten worse. It's been 4 days and I've been crying, depressed, anxious and can't stop beating myself up. I know I deserve to feel like this and I know if I told her she would be devastated. We have a no cheating rule and if either of us breaks it, the relationship is over no exceptions. I can't bear the thought of her in pain after hearing about this and picturing her single with other guys makes me close to throwing up. I know you guys are going to say I deserve the worst but please help me through this. I've already booked a school counsellor to work through my issues and be better than this. I've also talked to people on help lines. I have always sabotaged myself one way or another and don't feel like I deserve anything. The only thing that keeps me going is the love I have for this girl. She's been sending me loving messages like how much she misses me and I feel sick. Without her, I can not see my future and can't function. A break up now would result in institutionalization and likely I would drop out again. Can I keep this a secret if I never do it again and get a counsellor to work on my own issues? This is one of those cases where the truth would cause way more pain than me just rebuilding myself and distancing myself from risky situations. It would also mess with her school and damage her. I think we can go on to build a healthy relationship if I keep my mouth shut and never do any of this again. I want this guilt to be a reminder of my need to change and allow myself to be scared straight. I respect her so much and feel like she deserves to know but I can't bear the thought of losing her. Please help me. All insight is appreciated.
CarrieT Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 I respect her so much and feel like she deserves to know but I can't bear the thought of losing her. Than you have to respect her enough to be honest with her. Honestly, from your post, it is obvious that it will eat away at you if you don't tell. And you said that there were friends around? Someone who might spill the beans if you don't? You have to confess. 1
MetalGearSolid Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 You sound genuinely remorseful, which is good, but that doesn't excuse what you did. If you truly care for this girl, which I believe is true, then you have to tell her ASAP, for both of your sakes. This is going to be a very hard time for the both of you. But please, tell her the truth. Trust me, it is a lot better than keeping it a secret. 1
BetrayedH Posted September 17, 2016 Posted September 17, 2016 You're not "scared straight" at all if your first decision as a part of this reform process is to lie to your girlfriend (for life, I suppose) and trick her into staying with you. If you want to convince yourself (and her) that you're a changed man, it starts with being a guy she can trust not to lie to her. If you're going to commit to lying to her, she deserves better than you. 2
Rubix Cubed Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 This is one of those cases where the truth would cause way more pain than me just rebuilding myself and distancing myself from risky situations. Please help me. All insight is appreciated. The truth would cause more pain for YOU. She will find out, either from the jaded OW you blocked, or one of your friends who know what went down. I can assure you if she finds out by any means other than you admitting it, your chances of staying with her are slim to none. Pick your path, but know full well there is no going back and undoing what you've done, and there will be consequences, whether it's your own psyche, your relationship ,or her having a revenge affair. 1
NTV Posted September 19, 2016 Posted September 19, 2016 I vote you tell her. And stay away from alcohol for a while. .. like 6 months. Just to prove to yourself you can.
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