gracey123 Posted August 30, 2016 Posted August 30, 2016 6 weeks ago my long distance boyfriend of 11 months and I had a huuuuge argument, where I said something nasty just to hurt him, I have done this before and said I'd stop but as usual it flew out. Anyway, we didn't speak for a week to cool down and he eventually text me like I don't want to end it I love you blah blah blah, on numerous occasions we arranged to see eachother again and he said to me he just wants his own space at the minute, he is scared his feelings have changed towards me, he doesn't feel the same as he did, he feels bad about us because after the arguments and this massive bad one has taken his toll on him. He left me on Friday (26/08/16) officially and said he had to let me go because he isn't ready to see me yet and can't keep me waiting any longer as it's cruel. Me being a total girl was pleading etc and I said how can I get you back and he said it's too late, I asked him after that if it's forever that we aren't together and he said "I don't know" and that he doesn't want me to just disappear and still wants to talk. I spoke to his mum about us splitting up and she said to me that he said he needs to see if his bad feelings change and doesn't want me hanging on to a maybe, and that he hopes we can stay friends and talk still but is unsure whether he is ready to be with me right now but still has feelings for me. I changed my whatsapp photo as it was us two and as soon as I did he messaged me saying "I'll keep our picture just I don't think being together isn't a good idea at the moment" but he doesn't want to be with another girl and isn't ready for anyone else. His mother told me that she overheard his brother asking him if we had split up and he said I think so pretty much. I love him more than anything and I miss him so much, I want him back and I'm in progress of changing myself for me. I haven't had the best of times recently and feel that contributed to me being a total mess. Any advice on how I can get him back? I'm waiting for him to contact me and not suffocating him. I just miss him very much and want him back
Michellinda Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Give him space. If he loves you he will contact you do not beg him but when he speaks to you be loving and sweet. In the meantime make the change to control what comes out of your mouth when you're angry. I personally think he will give you another chance. If he didn't change his pic it seems like he is doesn't really want it over. 1
sooshi Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Gracey, I am sorry for the pain you're going through. The truth is, there is no way to get him back. If he wants to reconcile, he will tell you. In the meantime, go no contact with him and his family. Go no contact for you, so that you can heal. If he wants to get back together, he'll find a way to reach you. Sticking around in his life will only hurt you. Use this time to focus on you. Get to the root of why you might say something to your partner just to hurt them. You said you've done this before--what's the real issue? Tackle that. I know it hurts, sweetie, but he doesn't want to be with you. If he did, he'd be willing to work with you through any issues in the relationship. He doesn't want to, because he doesn't want to be with you. Try not to shoulder all the blame; that isn't helpful. You two just aren't compatible. Now you can work on healing and with the healing will come someone who is better suited for you. Take care. 1
basil67 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Get yourself into therapy and where you can learn to control your temper. Saying hurtful things repeatedly (especially after being asked not to) is not something a partner should have to tolerate. While I'm sure he won't take you back on your promises if change, if you can evidence the therapy you've completed and can tell him what you've learned, he may reconsider. And just to be clear, being "in the process of changing" isn't enough. You must be all finished the process if change before you re-engage with him. No guarantees though. But if he doesn't come back, at least you'll be able to have a better relationship with someone else in the future. 3
Blanco Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 I'm in my thirties now and have hit a point where I know I'm not going to tolerate character assassination. If I do something wrong, call me out on it. But life is too short to be with someone who takes those moments to pummel who you are as an individual. I take pride in the fact that despite having some temper/patience issues, I've kept conflict in relationships focused on the issue at hand. A partner upsetting me isn't going to get me to call her the assorted things you shouldn't ever call a woman, nor is it going to set me off on a bunch of malicious tangents about the person that are totally unrelated. I saw a quote years ago that resonated with me. "It's not about if we fight; it's about how we fight." Arguments and disagreements are a normal part of any long-term relationship. But start sprinkling in character assassinations and other forms of emotional abuse and you'll eventually find that you've poisoned the well, no matter how many times you've "made up." 2
ChickiePops Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 I'm sorry for your pain Gracey..I really am. Unfortunately you can't get someone back. They have to come back on their own and things have to have changed. This doesn't happen overnight, and frankly it's very rare that it works out in the long term. Major break ups don't happen on a whim..this is something he's been considering for a while. You told him you were working on something about yourself that really hurt him and you broke your promise.. You need, first and foremost, to get your temper under control. Try focusing on that part of YOU rather than focusing on him. Getting that part of yourself under control will make YOU feel better in general. Then worry about a relationship. Many many hugs. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 What did you say to him during this argument? Nasty insults should have no place in any relationship. It's very hurtful and breeds resentment, not to mention kills attraction. Give him space and don't push to talk right now. 2
NopeNah Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 What did you say to him during this argument? Nasty insults should have no place in any relationship. It's very hurtful and breeds resentment, not to mention kills attraction. Give him space and don't push to talk right now. My ex would do this.. After the "are you happy?", and my response of "no..I am not." She threw every possible insult she 'thought' would get to me,looking for a reaction. That reaction was me gathering my belongings from her place and leaving. Once it reaches that level....I'm gone!
bubbaganoosh Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 One thing I found out was words hurt and sometimes more then a balled fist. My fist wife had a nasty mouth ans when she got rolling she could say some really brutal stuff. Once those words roll off your tongue and into someones ear, it's too late. The person on the receiving end may at some time forgive you for what you said but never forget what you said. One rule I always follow is think before you speak because once said it's too late. You just got a lesson and I hope you learn from it, 1
Author gracey123 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 Thanks everyone I'm focusing on me right now and we are being friendly and chatty with eachother so hopefully that's a step in the right direction
basil67 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Thanks everyone I'm focusing on me right now and we are being friendly and chatty with eachother so hopefully that's a step in the right direction It's a good step. Now take the next step and get yourself into therapy and prove yourself worthy
Author gracey123 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 It's a good step. Now take the next step and get yourself into therapy and prove yourself worthy I've been having therapy already that's two good steps
Author gracey123 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 Gracey, I am sorry for the pain you're going through. The truth is, there is no way to get him back. If he wants to reconcile, he will tell you. In the meantime, go no contact with him and his family. Go no contact for you, so that you can heal. If he wants to get back together, he'll find a way to reach you. Sticking around in his life will only hurt you. Use this time to focus on you. Get to the root of why you might say something to your partner just to hurt them. You said you've done this before--what's the real issue? Tackle that. I know it hurts, sweetie, but he doesn't want to be with you. If he did, he'd be willing to work with you through any issues in the relationship. He doesn't want to, because he doesn't want to be with you. Try not to shoulder all the blame; that isn't helpful. You two just aren't compatible. Now you can work on healing and with the healing will come someone who is better suited for you. Take care. He said he needs to see if his negative feelings change but doesn't want me hanging on to a maybe, his mum told me that. I just have to be good to myself and remind him why he fell for me in the first place
Author gracey123 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 I'm sorry for your pain Gracey..I really am. Unfortunately you can't get someone back. They have to come back on their own and things have to have changed. This doesn't happen overnight, and frankly it's very rare that it works out in the long term. Major break ups don't happen on a whim..this is something he's been considering for a while. You told him you were working on something about yourself that really hurt him and you broke your promise.. You need, first and foremost, to get your temper under control. Try focusing on that part of YOU rather than focusing on him. Getting that part of yourself under control will make YOU feel better in general. Then worry about a relationship. Many many hugs. He said he'd been having negative feelings about us since the bad argument and doesn't want me hanging on waiting for him to be ready to see me. How can I show him I've changed?
Survivor12 Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 He said he'd been having negative feelings about us since the bad argument and doesn't want me hanging on waiting for him to be ready to see me. How can I show him I've changed? Real change doesn't happen in 4 days. If you feel the need to convince him that you've changed, you haven't. 2
Author gracey123 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 Real change doesn't happen in 4 days. If you feel the need to convince him that you've changed, you haven't. I've changed over the course of the 6 weeks, my emotions haven't come out negatively and I was so so proud I haven't begged him to come back to me, I'm getting there. Your words are so true, I wrongly worded mine!
DarrenB Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 Open yourself to other options and new things. Because I don't think there's much worse than changing within yourself, and expecting someone to be there waiting for you like you would for them, and they've moved on completely. Keep that contact to the minimum, if he really loved you and what not, then he would make the effort to get back into your life. HE should be the one to do that, you've done your part. Rely on yourself more than anyone, you're there for yourself when no-one else is. Although, you can also take to a forum where you can gain answers from many knowledgeable and lovely people which we have seem to have done Go us! and keep us updated in the future 1
Author gracey123 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 Open yourself to other options and new things. Because I don't think there's much worse than changing within yourself, and expecting someone to be there waiting for you like you would for them, and they've moved on completely. Keep that contact to the minimum, if he really loved you and what not, then he would make the effort to get back into your life. HE should be the one to do that, you've done your part. Rely on yourself more than anyone, you're there for yourself when no-one else is. Although, you can also take to a forum where you can gain answers from many knowledgeable and lovely people which we have seem to have done Go us! and keep us updated in the future I like this forum. Everyone is kind and helpful I'm not expecting him to wait but he doesn't want me to leave his life for good and kept his whatsapp photo as me and him and I'm so confused
DarrenB Posted August 31, 2016 Posted August 31, 2016 I like this forum. Everyone is kind and helpful I'm not expecting him to wait but he doesn't want me to leave his life for good and kept his whatsapp photo as me and him and I'm so confused Either he's completely forgot about that, or he's wanting to hold onto something... I don't know, I'm unsure it's different for everyone as their considered to be different situations. Just let things run it's course for now, if you were 'meant' to be and both of you want it to work in the future, then you'll come across each other's paths again. But don't rely on just that solely
Author gracey123 Posted August 31, 2016 Author Posted August 31, 2016 Either he's completely forgot about that, or he's wanting to hold onto something... I don't know, I'm unsure it's different for everyone as their considered to be different situations. Just let things run it's course for now, if you were 'meant' to be and both of you want it to work in the future, then you'll come across each other's paths again. But don't rely on just that solely That's what the plan is I changed mine and he was like "I'll keep our picture I just don't think being together is a good idea right now"
Author gracey123 Posted September 2, 2016 Author Posted September 2, 2016 Okay so my previous post was about him. He said he wants to be friends and makes no effort to talk to me or even read some of my messages until the day after. He still has feelings for me and kept our photo up as him and me on whatsapp and isn't ready for anyone else. What do I do guys, he never gave me answers or closure? Please help, it's making me so ill
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 Okay so my previous post was about him. He said he wants to be friends and makes no effort to talk to me or even read some of my messages until the day after. He still has feelings for me and kept our photo up as him and me on whatsapp and isn't ready for anyone else. What do I do guys, he never gave me answers or closure? Please help, it's making me so ill Breaking up is hard to do, even if you're the one who is doing the dumping. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He probably does have some feelings still, but those feelings aren't strong enough for him to want more with you or he wouldn't have ended things. Even the dumpers grieve some over their decision. They know it hurts the other person, they usually have empathy at least. GO NO CONTACT. Block him, delete him, don't look at social media anymore. Keep moving on. 1
aloneinaz Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 You need to get busy doing something to occupy your mind. Ruminating over someone who doesn't want you in his life is not healthy as look how you're feeling. You can't be "friends" with an ex. It's the oldest line from a dumper. "Hey, sorry I don't want you as my significant other anymore but, ya know, we can still be friends".. As you're illustrating by not hearing from him, it's a line, nothing more. You should NEVER want to be friends with someone who kicked you out of their life. EVER! Why on earth would you want to? Look what it's doing to you now!?! Seriously, BLOCK him, change your phone number. STOP going on social media. He's your past. Find some strength and self pride and leave him alone and move on. The sooner you ACCEPT that it's OVER w/him and stay NC, you'll feel better. YOU have to do it. Time away from all this self inflicted drama will help you feel much better. During this time, work on yourself and self esteem. Most people who are dumped get pissed and say F-them. You don't want me, your loss. There's plenty out there who do. You need to get to that place. 5
asphyxis Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 You need to get busy doing something to occupy your mind. Ruminating over someone who doesn't want you in his life is not healthy as look how you're feeling. You can't be "friends" with an ex. It's the oldest line from a dumper. "Hey, sorry I don't want you as my significant other anymore but, ya know, we can still be friends".. As you're illustrating by not hearing from him, it's a line, nothing more. You should NEVER want to be friends with someone who kicked you out of their life. EVER! Why on earth would you want to? Look what it's doing to you now!?! Seriously, BLOCK him, change your phone number. STOP going on social media. He's your past. Find some strength and self pride and leave him alone and move on. The sooner you ACCEPT that it's OVER w/him and stay NC, you'll feel better. YOU have to do it. Time away from all this self inflicted drama will help you feel much better. During this time, work on yourself and self esteem. Most people who are dumped get pissed and say F-them. You don't want me, your loss. There's plenty out there who do. You need to get to that place. This. 1,000%
ExpatInItaly Posted September 2, 2016 Posted September 2, 2016 In your previous thread, it was clear he felt pretty bad after the last argument. You admitted you said some nasty things just to hurt him. Now is not the time to push for friendship. He may want to be friends, someday. Most dumpers aren't looking for an immediate switch from relationship for friendship, as the wounds are still fresh. Stop trying to reach out to him. You're driving yourself crazy. As pointed out by other posters, you need to start accepting that the relationship is over. There may be a chance for reconciliation in the future, anything is possible. But it won't happen now or any time soon, based on what you described in your other thread.
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