What's up with my quarterback?

[AMJ]

Around two months ago this guy from high school adds me as a friend on Facebook. He messages me something like "Hey AMJ how have you been? etc etc been a long time, lol. You look great." We keep chatting a little bit, catching up since we haven't seen or spoken to each other since high school, which was a long time ago. I actually keep in touch with a lot of people from high school but he was in a different circle of friends. At the time he was friends with my cousin for awhile, but I think they lost touch.

 

He kind of came out of nowhere really...when he messaged me it was like, "Oh YEAH whatever happened to him?" And naturally I've been asking around, digging for dirt or details or anything about him, and finding nothing. Which is a good thing. At first I wasn't really even sure if I was interested. But I might be. I'm not not interested, I know that much.

 

But he does this thing where we chat for a little bit then he's like- I gotta go, talk to you later. And kind of cuts the conversation off abruptly. He gave me his number to text him, and to be honest it's taken me a really long time to follow up. I don't know why, I just hesitated.

 

He has a daughter. She's around 12 and he's the full-time dad. I think mom gets visitation or weekend custody or something like that, but I figured it was kind of a sensitive subject to bring up right away...so I don't really know what the deal is there. That doesn't bother me at all, he seems like a really great dad from what I can tell. Which is also a good thing.

 

My question is why, when the conversation seems like it's going somewhere, does he cut it off all the time? He says things like "reach out anytime" and "it's always really good to hear from you" and is generally being really kind, respectful, and positive about everything else he says to me...but then he shuts off right around the point where he should be asking me out.

 

I told him today my main memory of him from high school was him teasing me all the time. He says it was the other way around. He was our quarterback, I was a cheerleader...I know, I know...very cliche.

 

Most of you would probably just say I should ask him out, but it doesn't feel like he wants me to do that. Is there any other reason he would want to talk to me though, out of the blue, after...um....16 years?

[jen1447]

No.

 

././././././

[indeed7]

No I would assume he contacted you cause he is in some way interested in a date or so...

[ThisOverThat]

Another example of why not to try to have lengthy interactions through TXTn.

 

If abrupt stoppages in TXT correspondence is making you question motives then why not just talk face-to-face where you can judge facial expression, tone of voice, and body language?

[AMJ]

That's just it, they aren't lengthy interactions. He keeps stopping them short every single time the conversation picks up. It's really weird.

 

Jen I don't know what ././././././ means?

[ThisOverThat]

I say: When in doubt, find out where you stand. It lessens wondering and thumb twiddling.

 

So be sure the next time that you two communicate it's initiated by him and then you state fairly quickly something to the extent of 'I'm in the middle of something so get back to me _______(tomorrow, later today)'. If he hits you up again at the time you designate then do the same thing again but TXT something like 'We should hang out and catch up. Let me know when you have a free night/evening'. After that leave it alone. You've done your part. He should be able to take a hint off of that.

[angel.eyes]

Is he single? Is it possible there is someone in his life, and he's abruptly cutting off communication when she walks in?

 

As far as him reaching out? I wouldn't read too much into it for now. I have lots of guys from my high school days who recently reached out to reconnect on Facebook. They are all happily married and post tons about their anniversaries, how much they love their wives, and how proud they are of their families. They are just reconnecting and sharing with old friends on FB. Nothing else.

 

If he's looking to date you, he'll get around to asking you. Time will reveal why he reconnected. In your shoes, I would focus more on figuring out if he's truly single, since as you say, you're not not interested. I'm just astounded at how many married guys pretend to be single and are on the prowl to cheat. I think I encountered that once in my late teens, but my goodness, it's beyond rampant among guys in their thirties and forties.

[jen1447]

Jen I don't know what ././././././ means?

 

Random typing to get 10 characters. It's pretty much just no, there's no other reason he'd contact you and 'mack' on you except he's interested.

 

Question is - will you do sth about it??

[katiegrl]

Random typing to get 10 characters. It's pretty much just no, there's no other reason he'd contact you and 'mack' on you except he's interested.

 

Question is - will you do sth about it??

 

Why is it up to AMJ to do something about it?

 

If what you say is true (which may not be as I have many former clsssmates (men and women) reaching out to me from time to time to catch up, to see how I've been) then HE should be asking her out.

 

What is with all these guys you post about AMJ?

 

Gym guy was the same.

 

Bottom line, if any of these guys were interested, "they" would be asking you out, period, end of.

 

Stop trying to analyze their behavior to the nth degree....it is not that complicated.

 

They are either flirting for fun or a diversion, curious, bored, gaming you (gym guy), doesn't matter.....

 

If they (quarterback guy) were interested, he would be asking you out, or at the very least attempting to engage you more, not cutting off conversations, that is ridiculous.

 

I hardly think he is expecting YOU to ask him out (as jen suggests) especially when he abruptly cuts off your conversations, more ridiculousness.

 

The mere fact you are spinning your wheels here indicates something is seriously OFF.

 

The reason he cuts you off is simple. He senses the convo going in a direction he does not want it to go, so he cuts it. It is a way to maintain a certain distance.

 

He may have a gf or is otherwise unavailable and bored.

 

My $.02.

Edited September 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[jen1447]

^ Doesn't matter what anyone's 'supposed' to do - if she wants to go out w/him, she should make it happen. The reason I'm particularly focusing on that here is bc of the precedent set in the gym guy matter.

 

And we'll just have to disagree on the likely motives of an opposite sex person you didn't know particularly well contacting you years down the line out of the blue to "catch up."

[katiegrl]

^ Doesn't matter what anyone's 'supposed' to do - if she wants to go out w/him, she should make it happen. The reason I'm particularly focusing on that here is bc of the precedent set in the gym guy matter.

 

And we'll just have to disagree on the likely motives of an opposite sex person you didn't know particularly well contacting you years down the line out of the blue to "catch up."

 

Fair enough but I did not necessarily disagree with you about his motives.

 

He may be interested, he may not. Curious, bored, could be anything, only he knows the answer to that.

 

I also might agree with her going for it, asking him for coffee or a drink.

 

The reason I am discouraging that in this case is because how he cuts off their conversations just as they are heating up.

 

Hell, there are *men* who wouldn't wish to pursue a chick if she did that as it indicates low interest imo, unless in this case it's some sort of game to *intrigue* her and/or get her to chase which is possible.

 

Just like many men need a green flag to pursue, so do women!

 

I get you don't jen, but you are the dominant force in your relationships.

 

Not all of us feel comfortable in that role, speaking personally I much prefer the man be the dominant.

 

Chasing/pursuing him does nothing for me, romantically, sexually or anything else. Reading this board, I am not alone in that.

 

That said, if AMJ wishes to take your advice and *make it happen* then I wish her the best!

 

Good luck AMJ whatever you decide!

Edited September 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[angel.eyes]

You tend to end up chasing your tail when you pursue guys who are barely interested.

 

AMJ, this guy found you and initiated the re-connection. If he were interested in dating you, he would ask you out. He isn't. Instead, he keeps a conversation going as long as it suits him, then abruptly cuts it off when it doesn't.

[AMJ]

What is with all these guys you post about AMJ?

 

No, seriously, what IS up with all these guys I post about? lol.

 

There's always men who seem to just hover around me, acting interested, then not so much, never quite making a move, but always staying constantly in the picture somewhere...the best word I can describe is hovering.

 

In my 20s, I really paid little attention to any of that, as Katie says, when men are interested they make it obvious. Partially that's because I didn't care about relationships then. But what I've realized is that the men who do pursue me, making it obvious, not a single one of them has actually cared about me. Or wanting a relationship with me. Them pursuing me was more about them and what they wanted, every single time.

 

So maybe, I should pay more attention to men who hover.

 

I'm also like Katie, don't really like men who aren't willing to take charge. And the times I have been the aggressive one, men seem to get turned off and that approach usually backfires. It's not like I'm a wallflower who just sits around and waits for prince charming, I do go after what I want- whether or not I go about it in the right way is another story.

 

It is possible that he just reached out to be friendly and catch up, I guess. He is single. It's just that I have lots of male friends, and the ones who aren't interested, usually talk to me differently. Why did he give me his phone number?

Why did he like all my profile pictures (not 1 of them, probably 15 of them) and other pictures and things I post?

[hippychick3]

OP, there is nothing for you to do. If he were interested in anything more than briefly touching base, you would know it.

 

He put out feelers most likely because he was bored or curious...my guess is that he has a girlfriend or is dating someone else. You're a possible backup if or when he needs one. I wouldn't waste any more time or energy on someone who doesn't pursue you (and he is NOT).

[katiegrl]

 

I'm also like Katie, don't really like men who aren't willing to take charge. And the times I have been the aggressive one, men seem to get turned off and that approach usually backfires. It's not like I'm a wallflower who just sits around and waits for prince charming, I do go after what I want- whether or not I go about it in the right way is another story.

 

 

You sound A LOT like me AMJ which I've been sensing for awhile now.

 

Even re gym guy, I myself have had some crazy crushes (in my 20s) where it was obvious the guy liked me (and others noticed it too and said things) but they never made a move.

 

UNLIKE you though, after a month or two of that, I would end up just losing interest and begin to either ignore and act indifferently.

 

Which is when they decided to make their move!! Except by then I had already lost interest.

 

I remember one guy, my friends all encouraged me to ask him out for a drink, which I did and he said YES!!

 

But then he just sort of forgot about it and never followed up, that is when I was like "eff it" and lost interest.

 

So yah I can relate.

 

With respect to bolded above, I have a theory about that. Since you are the feminine energy, you prefer the man take charge and be the aggressor, rather than yourself. Me too! When I am into a guy, it actually turns me on when he takes charge like that.

 

The reason why it never worked out when YOU took charge (IMHO) was because it wasn't "you." You were not being your natural, genuine self, you were attempting to be something other than what and who you are -- the aggressor. So your approach may have seemed awkward and a bit disingenuous which he sensed.

 

Just speculating about that though, who really knows why it didn't work.

 

Re quarterback guy, I can't figure him. He seems to be interested, what with liking your photos, etc, but then again, abruptly cutting your convos off and not asking you out would indicate he's not.... I dunno.

 

Maybe just keep it going for a little while longer and see if he steps up to the plate... since again you prefer and enjoy when the MAN takes charge.

 

On your other thread, several people were encouraging you to be the aggressor, which you sort of were at one point, which only ended with him agreeing to get together and then taking it back and smirking about it. Ugh!

 

Always be true to yourself AMJ, and you will never go wrong. Let others be who they are, you be who you are.

Edited September 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[AMJ]

Maybe the question I should be asking to guys on here is- why do you hover?

[xxoo]

Maybe the question I should be asking to guys on here is- why do you hover?

 

I think they like the attention. Who doesn't, right?! And flirting is fun. A rush, a diversion, just plain old fun.

[jen1447]

Maybe the question I should be asking to guys on here is- why do you hover?

 

It's a mistake to assume everyone's identical - e.g. "men always make a move if they're interested" - no they don't bc ppl are actually individuals and not everyone's capable of the same levels of volitional action for a variety of reasons. Maybe he's one of those guys whose high school quarterback career was the pinnacle of his life and it's been downhill ever since and so his self esteem has suffered, making him hesitant and shy.

 

Really tho Amjam, you can't think that coming out of nowhere and doling out a bunch of attention on you is completely innocuous ....? It wouldn't really matter except that issues with perception can impede your ability to lead a fulfilling life as far as interpersonal relationships go.

[angel.eyes]

If the guy sent you a friend request and did nothing else that would be one thing. But this guy is clearly no shrinking violet. He's repeatedly contacting you and engaging you, then dropping you. That's not hesitant and shy by any means!

 

Maybe the question I should be asking to guys on here is- why do you hover?

I think you need to ask why you care so much that he's not actually asking you out? Why you're wasting headspace on him? You also need to take a hard look at the shiny baubles that catch your attention--gym boy, the HS quarterback who wasn't really a friend back in high school, etc. There seems to be no substance behind the shine. None of these guys are giving any indication that they are looking for anything more than a little fun distraction.

 

In your earlier post, you talked about being frustrated that guys aren't serious when you invest and just drop you once you are ready to date. Well part of that is recognizing when someone is taking you seriously and when someone is just using you as a fun distraction or a challenge...like Mr. HS QB here. He connects on Facebook, routinely initiates communication and then abruptly drops the conversation whenever it suits him. Sorry, but even if he were actually interested, that's not someone who is taking you seriously. When he's bored, he knows who he can rely on to stroke his ego, and as soon as anything else pops up, he drops you immediately.

 

Serious question: What about this exactly is appealing to you?

[insert_name]

It's a mistake to assume everyone's identical - e.g. "men always make a move if they're interested" - no they don't bc ppl are actually individuals and not everyone's capable of the same levels of volitional action for a variety of reasons. Maybe he's one of those guys whose high school quarterback career was the pinnacle of his life and it's been downhill ever since and so his self esteem has suffered, making him hesitant and shy.

 

Really tho Amjam, you can't think that coming out of nowhere and doling out a bunch of attention on you is completely innocuous ....? It wouldn't really matter except that issues with perception can impede your ability to lead a fulfilling life as far as interpersonal relationships go.

 

Yet that logic is being overlooked when it comes to his motives, because ALL guys are just trying to get laid 100% of the time, right?

 

Sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar!

 

Also from what OP has said it sounds like the conversation has been pretty mundane, no flirting or escalation. This isn't a girl he sees every day, it is someone he is messaging for the first time in 15 years or whatever, if he really IS interested then for him not to have escalated the interaction from platonic friendship given a perfectly adequate time frame means he doesn't really sound like much of a catch anyway. Is a man that passive really attractive?

[jen1447]

Yet that logic is being overlooked when it comes to his motives, because ALL guys are just trying to get laid 100% of the time, right?

 

Sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar!

 

Also from what OP has said it sounds like the conversation has been pretty mundane, no flirting or escalation. This isn't a girl he sees every day, it is someone he is messaging for the first time in 15 years or whatever, if he really IS interested then for him not to have escalated the interaction from platonic friendship given a perfectly adequate time frame means he doesn't really sound like much of a catch anyway. Is a man that passive really attractive?

 

Who said all guys are trying to get laid all the time?

 

And I think you're wearing the judgmental hat saying he's automatically not a catch ....how do you know?

[katiegrl]

Who said all guys are trying to get laid all the time?

 

And I think you're wearing the judgmental hat saying he's automatically not a catch ....how do you know?

 

Given AMJ herself just told us she fancies assertive, take charge men, then yes being "passive" would deem him NOT a catch, in her eyes.

 

To another woman, sure, she may love passive guys!

 

But we are talking about AMJ here, what she likes.

 

But jen seriously, why are you pushing this? Again, AMJ said she prefers and likes guys who are aggressive and take charge.

 

Don't you want what's best for HER? A take charge guy who knows what he wants and not afraid to go after it?

 

I mean abruptly cutting off their convos, she can do better than that.... SHE's the catch here.

 

Anyhoo... no one is suggesting he's a bad guy. Just not right for AMJ, for obvious reasons that's all.

[jen1447]

Pushing what? I'm not pushing anything, just answering her question that yes it's obvs he's interested in her, and nudging her to actually do sth about it, bc obvs she cares enough to have asked about it here, and doing nothing generally results in nothing happening - like we saw w gym guy.

 

Also I'm pretty sure we don't need to interpret Amjam's sensibilities for her ....she can decide and declare them herself.

[rester]

But he does this thing where we chat for a little bit then he's like- I gotta go, talk to you later. And kind of cuts the conversation off abruptly.

...

My question is why, when the conversation seems like it's going somewhere, does he cut it off all the time? He says things like "reach out anytime" and "it's always really good to hear from you" and is generally being really kind, respectful, and positive about everything else he says to me...but then he shuts off right around the point where he should be asking me out.

 

That's just it, they aren't lengthy interactions. He keeps stopping them short every single time the conversation picks up. It's really weird.

 

He may not be doing it intentionally, but I believe this behavior is a PUA tactic.

[angel.eyes]

...or he's just not interested. And every time she steers the conversation in that direction, he cuts it off.