Fighting for the love of my life - am I playing it right?

[RyanO1991]

Thanks for reading this. I appreciate it.

 

I was with my first real girlfriend for 3 years. We were making plans to move in together and marry. I gave up my job for her because she wanted more time with me. A month ago, she ended it because she said she had met someone else and I didn't communicate.

 

Her mum told me she was shocked and encouraged me to fight for her.

 

A few days later, I asked if we could make another go of it and got emotional. Unsurprisingly, I got a no.

 

I've just come out of relationship therapy to work on my communication. I saw my ex the week after the breakup and she said she had noticed a change in me.

 

2 days later, I need her to answer some questions for my therapy. She refuses. I tell her I'm having doubts.

 

The next day, I get a text apology and she tries to call. I ignore it. Later, I get back to her and arrange to meet her another day (I can't do the evening she suggests because I'm meeting someone).

 

So, we get to Sunday. The other guy is round her place. We sit in the park and she asks me about what I wanted to talk about. I tell her it's irrelevant because my therapy is finished. I show her my therapy folder and she tells me I've completely changed. She says it's hard for her because she can't understand why I'm not being angry. I explain she's hurt me and I feel betrayed but what's done is done.

 

We talk about what went wrong and she acknowledges that she didn't communicate that she as unhappy and didn't give us a chance to fix things. I tell her I was concerned when she was meeting her new 'friend' but trusted her completely. I revealed that I had been in a similar situation where a work friend and I began to be attracted to each other, so I distanced myself from her because I respected my gf. Stunned silence from the ex. She said maybe I'd meet someone else. I said I probably would but I wanted to invest in the relationship we had.

 

She says she can't make sense of things and wonders if she's made a mistake. I tell her that she might choose her friend or she might choose me - either way it will be a new relationship. She could either have a start with someone new and exciting or go with me, who wants exactly the same life as her and a 3 year loving relationship to rebuild on. I thank her for rearranging our meet and she asks me why I had to rearrange. I tell her the truth - a girl in a coffee shop said I smelt nice and then told me I'd be an ideal model for her photography course, so I was meeting her that evening. She jokingly calls it a date and I laugh it off.

 

My ex has been having troubles at work, so I listened and gave advice. Then I gave her a big hug and told her she was good at what she does and whatever happened that wouldn't change.

 

My ex and I agreed that we needed our own space so I wouldn't contact her. She asked me to let her know how things went that evening with the photographer but I said I wouldn't because we had agreed to break contact. I said I hoped the work situation would work out and my last words to her were "Don't be alone."

 

Keeping my no contact rule. Am I playing it right?

 

(Thanks again for reading. Sorry it's a long one!)

Edited September 13, 2016 by RyanO1991

[LD1990]

Stick to NC, but without the idea of playing it a certain way to get her back. She's not coming back, and you shouldn't want her back anyway.

 

She dumped you to get with some other guy who it sounds like she was seeing while she was with you. These "communication" issues were just here way of passing the blame onto you. You really want to take back a cheater? There are plenty of better women out there.

[sooshi]

I completely agree with LD1990. It sounds like she had someone else and wanted to find a reason to scapegoat you.

 

Sorry, OP. You're better off without her. Continue with NC.

[RyanO1991]

Thanks guys. Her friend tried to set her up on a blind date, but my ex told her she had been with me for 3 years.

 

Turns out she was meeting this guy anyway (although she swears just as a friend). I even gave him a lift home one night.

 

Apparently she's not with him yet because she's wondering if she's made a mistake. I still love her completely but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect me.

 

Thanks again for your support. I really appreciate it.

[sooshi]

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect me.

 

I love this, Ryan. Keep these words in your heart.

[Satu]

You did everything right.

 

You preserved your dignity and self respect. That's the most important thing.

 

You will always get good results in life if you approach things that way.

 

 

Take care.

[Sunnymae]

mont ago, she ended it because she said she had met someone else and I didn't communicate.

 

Listen to what she is saying. I know it's hard, you're in denial, but when she says the above statement^^^^she is not interested in continuing a relationship with you, that is exactly how she feels. There's no "playing it right" You do the NC for yourself. At this point in the breakup you will say and do things that you'll look at later and feel embarrassed about. At this early stage of getting over her, you'll be too emotional and likely to say things that will make you seem weak, and clingy, needy, undesirable. So No Contact is first step in healing, not a way of getting back your ex.

I was with my boyfriend for 3 years and he dumped me, I made a complete utter, pitiful fool of myself. I tried playing it right, but it only made me look, weak, and pitiful, and it distance him even further from me.

 

Keeping my no contact rule. Am I playing it right?

 

Yes keep NC, but most likely, she won't even notice or care. Think about how badly she's treated you. Start reading, exercising, journaling, time to work through this. And one more thing stop being so nice to her, she's treated you awfully. You deserve better.

Take care

[RyanO1991]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the support. Being mad at her will make it easier for her. Being reasonable and courteous only highlights how much better I am than her.

[aloneinaz]

I'd wrap my head around the thought of you're better off w/out her. Keep repeating that thought to yourself. You guys are young and those young relationships run their course and one ends it. Why? They want more life experiences with other folks before considering settling down into a life commitment. Honestly, you should too.

 

At this point you should vanish from her life. Block her number and block her on FB so you can heal, get over it and move onto the next hot gal that catches your fancy.

 

I know it hurts but understand that you'll be fine. NC will help you heal. Everyone's been through the break up of their first love. You'll look back in a couple of decades and say to yourself "man, I'm so glad I didn't settle for my first love".. Everyone does..

[RyanO1991]

I'd wrap my head around the thought of you're better off w/out her. Keep repeating that thought to yourself. You guys are young and those young relationships run their course and one ends it. Why? They want more life experiences with other folks before considering settling down into a life commitment. Honestly, you should too.

 

At this point you should vanish from her life. Block her number and block her on FB so you can heal, get over it and move onto the next hot gal that catches your fancy.

 

I know it hurts but understand that you'll be fine. NC will help you heal. Everyone's been through the break up of their first love. You'll look back in a couple of decades and say to yourself "man, I'm so glad I didn't settle for my first love".. Everyone does..

 

Thanks for this. I don't use FB but I'm not contacting her. I just feel so betrayed and used, especially as 2 months ago she was telling me she had nightmares about me leaving her and how I was the only good thing in her life. I promised I would never leave her. It's like the girl I fell in love with is dead.

[fromheart]

The only way to fight for someone is to walk away and look after yourself. I wouldn't fight for this one though, just walk away and look after yourself.

 

I sympathize with what you've been through. This is harsh but it needs to be said; don't go and see an ex with a therapy folder. Don't involve them in your therapy. She'll just see you as weak and herself as strong(not true), as she herself is in a dysfunctional state.

 

The only thing left to say to her is that she's been a complete A hole, your immensely happier without her, goodbye!

 

You sound like a good man Ryan, but sometimes to be good we have to have a bit of a rough, confident edge. No need to get mad, but do show her the permanent exit sign with a smile, should she come knocking again.

[RyanO1991]

The only way to fight for someone is to walk away and look after yourself. I wouldn't fight for this one though, just walk away and look after yourself.

 

I sympathize with what you've been through. This is harsh but it needs to be said; don't go and see an ex with a therapy folder. Don't involve them in your therapy. She'll just see you as weak and herself as strong(not true), as she herself is in a dysfunctional state.

 

The only thing left to say to her is that she's been a complete A hole, your immensely happier without her, goodbye!

 

You sound like a good man Ryan, but sometimes to be good we have to have a bit of a rough, confident edge. No need to get mad, but do show her the permanent exit sign with a smile, should she come knocking again.

 

Thanks for this. I appreciate it. She's going to find it very difficult to tell me her decision - I've just blocked her number.

[sooshi]

She's going to find it very difficult to tell me her decision - I've just blocked her number.

 

Ryan, you rock!

 

With no contact, you will reap the rewards. You're doing the right thing.

[RyanO1991]

Ryan, you rock!

 

With no contact, you will reap the rewards. You're doing the right thing.

 

You guys rock for being so supportive. I know I keep saying it, but I really appreciate it.

 

I feel like I owe it to her mum and dad to tell them the situation - they let me into their family and they still welcome me around now (although I don't talk about my ex). They even offered to help with my house move.

 

From a selfish point of view, I know my ex will struggle with the uncertainty. I think part of her likes the attention and she thinks I'm doting on her, but when she gets no replies to her texts and my phone goes to voicemail, she'll be wondering what's happened. She doesn't have the empathy to understand so it will always be playing on her mind. "Why isn't he taking my calls? He wanted us to get back together!" "Did he block me?" "Is he seeing a therapist again? Did she say something to him?" "Did he meet someone else?" "Did something happen to him?" It will drive her crazy knowing she's lost control.

 

I can't help wondering if the whirlwind romance she's going through will wear off quite quickly. There's no way I would take her back after her being with him, but I wonder if she'll have big regrets further down the line.

Edited September 14, 2016 by RyanO1991

[aloneinaz]

You guys rock for being so supportive. I know I keep saying it, but I really appreciate it.

 

I feel like I owe it to her mum and dad to tell them the situation - they let me into their family and they still welcome me around now (although I don't talk about my ex). They even offered to help with my house move.

 

From a selfish point of view, I know my ex will struggle with the uncertainty. I think part of her likes the attention and she thinks I'm doting on her, but when she gets no replies to her texts and my phone goes to voicemail, she'll be wondering what's happened. She doesn't have the empathy to understand so it will always be playing on her mind. "Why isn't he taking my calls? He wanted us to get back together!" "Did he block me?" "Is he seeing a therapist again? Did she say something to him?" "Did he meet someone else?" "Did something happen to him?" It will drive her crazy knowing she's lost control.

 

I can't help wondering if the whirlwind romance she's going through will wear off quite quickly. There's no way I would take her back after her being with him, but I wonder if she'll have big regrets further down the line.

 

Why not send an even clearer message by changing your phone number? I'm not suggesting she'll contact you again, but by changing your phone number it will allow you to NOT stare at it so hard when you get a text or phone call.

 

"If" she did reach out to get her ego stroked by you and the phone was disconnected, she'd take the hint that you want nothing further to do w/her and you've moved on with your life.

 

I'm a HUGE advocate that EVERYONE has the right to end a R/S if they are not happy in it. I would only hope they'd be kind in doing it. Once the R/S ends, the dumper owes the dumpee NOTHING. No replies to their texts, call or emails. Nothing.. The dumper made the decision to end it. The dumpee now has the right to end any further contact and move on w/their life.

[RyanO1991]

Thanks everyone for your support. I used today as time for me.

 

Went shopping and was stopped by a stranger who said I smelled really nice. Gave me such a boost! Also helped a couple of vulnerable people out of a fix while shopping, which also made me feel happier.

 

Went to a coffee shop on my own. The lady who runs it is really nice and was really kind - she could tell I wasn't myself. She was so welcoming. She gave me a paper to read while she was sorting out food and chatted to me about stuff. She said I was looking really well.

 

Can't believe this but a lady I had strong feelings for at university contacted me out of the blue today (first time we've spoken in 4 years). On our last day of uni, her friend had suggested to me she really liked me but she was going to Nepal so I knew I had to move on.

 

Now she's back in the UK and has lifted my spirits so much. She suggested that we meet up. It's great to have someone who can boost my mood with some kind thoughtful words. I can't remember the last time someone made me smile so much.

 

This has been the most difficult month of my life, but I can't remember a day so full of happiness as today. I realise now that I really don't need my ex.

 

A massive thank you to everyone for your support. I really do appreciate it. For the first time time in a month, I've stopped thinking of my ex and enjoyed learning about myself and the good I have to offer.

Edited September 14, 2016 by RyanO1991