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I hurt her feelings, said she writes people off....

circusfood

By circusfood
in General Relationship Discussion

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circusfood Member

circusfood

Posted
Posted

okay so, i don't know how to go about fixing the situation.

 

Got a girl, love her to pieces, she's like my best friend, as well as my love.

We hardly ever fight, we're always together, snuggling, hanging out,

it's just as fun as it was when we first started dating. When it's me and

her, we have a lot of fun. been together 5 years, planning a wedding.

 

But i notice sometimes that, she tends to write people off. She doesn't

fancy going out much, kind of a homebody, doesn't have many friends,

fancies being on her own, if she goes out to the mall or whatever. And that's

fine. But when we first met, she used to have a few close friends, but just stopped calling

them. I mean a friend of hers from NY (a friend ever since grade school) called her

about 4 times over the last 2 months, left polite messages like "haven't heard from

you in a while, hope you are okay, wanted to catch up." She never called her back.

 

A friend from work invited her to a party last week and called her with directions and everything,

my girl never called her back. An old friend from Seattle called her out of the

blue 2 weeks ago, she never called him back. She always says,

She doesn't feel like calling them back, she never gives a valid reason. One time she

did say that she has nothing to say to them nothing to talk about, so what's the point?

 

 

So last night we were having a great night out to dinner and we talked about who we'd invite

to the wedding. I mentioned our mutual friend John and his new wife (we just went to his wedding)

and she said "why?" "why would we invite them, we hardly hang out with them?"

(john is a friend from way back, he has asks us to double date before, but my girl never

wants to go)

 

Anyway, I just thought that was Rude. I mean they invited us to Their wedding.

Later on we started talking about people who go clubbing and partying (which we don't do much of

and were not party type people anyway, so it'f fine)

She said, "I'm totally happy being with Only you, I don't like going out that much with

friends". And this was my opportunity, so I said "Look i love you, But sometimes i feel

like you write off your good friends, and it seems rude to me".. i also told her "You

shouldn't close yourself off to hanging out occasionally or opportunities to go out with friends every

now and then, who are nice to you". She says "why?" "what if i don't feel like it?"

 

So anyway, she got quiet and didn't talk to me the rest of the night in the movie

theatre. Didn't even hold my hand. (she gets that way whenever we disagree...

just doesn't talk)

 

Anyway, this has been bugging me about her for a while. I just don't think it's right

and i think it's rude. We've had talks about this before, but she never seems to want to

change any of her ways. She just kinda ignores things she doesn;t like and hopes they

just disappear or something, including bills she has to pay, sometimes. But that's a whole

other story.

 

Am I being too hard on her? Am i wrong in thinking she should change? can she change?

If we're going to be married, i want to address this problem, NOW.

ReluctantRomeo Established Member

ReluctantRomeo

Posted
Posted

Different people have different social needs. Provided you can find a compromise - like you go out and see friends sometimes when she stays in and does the introverted thing - that's fine. How is she with *your* friends btw?

 

Originally posted by circusfood

So anyway, she got quiet and didn't talk to me the rest of the night in the movie

theatre. Didn't even hold my hand. (she gets that way whenever we disagree...

just doesn't talk)

 

This is a problem. Stonewalling is supposed to be one of the 4 things that break up relationships...

morrigan Established Member

morrigan

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by circusfood

We've had talks about this before, but she never seems to want to

change any of her ways. She just kinda ignores things she doesn;t like and hopes they

just disappear or something, including bills she has to pay, sometimes.

 

Avoiding any big issues, or emotionally clamming up when those issues are brought up, are warning signs.

 

Unless your girlfriend is willing to reach a compromise and actually develop her own friendships, or be perfectly fine with you having your own friendships and time away from her, there will be problems. It's something you need to talk with her about now. Tell her what you said in your post.

 

You can't fix anything or change her mind if she's still not willing to discuss it. It may come to a point where you feel she is overly dependant on you, that you are her emotional lifeline.

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circusfood Member

circusfood

Posted
  • Author
Posted

thanks for your help.

 

well, i'll tell ya. Her "stonewalling" as you call it, bugs me!

Relationships are supposed to have "Open Communication",

aren't they?

 

How is she Around my friends you ask? Well, She never wants to go out

with me and my friends. She will sometimes, but usually she'll say she's too

Nervous. She's too self-Concious I think. Going out with other people makes her

feel uncomfortable, and so I think that's why she just doesn't like "hanging out".

 

Me and Her, By ourselves, we get along GREAT, when things are fun and running

smoothly. She leaves me cute notes, kisses all the time, makes me nice dinners, etc.

But, If I wanna talk about anything serious or mention something about her

and what she's going to do with her career, She gets quiet and Never wants to talk about it.

She's 26 and not in school and just works a day job she hates. In her spare time, she's

on the computer or Watching TV. No Hobbies. No outtings with friends.

 

There are some major issues that need to be addressed, i think. But part of me also doesn;t

want to force her to be Social, if she doesn;t want to. I mean heck, i'm shy too, i'm not the

most Social dude in the world, Mr. Popular or anything. But I at least TRY to be cordial and

I call my good friends back and I try and be responsible. I just feel like she's being childish.

sarah12 Established Member

sarah12

Posted
Posted

Another guy had a similar problem with his girlfriend he was going to marry. Check out my responses to that

here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t63362/

 

I think your girlfriend may have some similar issues and I agree that these things need to be addressed now. It could be that you've just been with her for so long that these things were overlooked, but if you marry her, the problems will only get about 5x worse. You've got to get her to open up and not let her 'stonewall' until you get something out of her - even if she yells back.

clandestinidad Established Member

clandestinidad

Posted
Posted

I dont think you should be worried about her social issues and hold them against her unless she is overly dependant on YOU. If she seems fine in every other way (meaning not depressed or overly insecure or things like that), then its just her.

 

I did want to suggest, however, that she might have a large social anxiety problem, and I didnt notice that until you said:

usually she'll say she's too Nervous. She's too self-Concious I think. Going out with other people makes her feel uncomfortable

 

Thats like, the key sign to social anxiety....and there are meds to help....but if she's okay just being with herself, then let her be

 

There arent many things more hurtful than someone who wont accept someone for who they are...this isnt something she can change (but the stonewalling she can and should change)

Jijomo Member

Jijomo

Posted
Posted

OMG, if your fiance were a man, I'd swear it was my husband!

 

There's nothing wrong with her. There's nothing wrong with you.

 

My husband love love love love loves his uncle to death. His uncle and him had a tiny little fight, and my husband didn't speak to him for a year.

 

He hasn't spoken to his mom or dad in years either.

 

He has two best friends that adore him. One was in the army. His one from the army called him the other day, but my husband won't call him back.

 

I don't know why. He adores his friends.

 

He never wants to go to dinner or the movies or parties with me. I am very social.

 

I decided that it's who he is, and to look at the bright side of his antisocial behavior.

 

1. I always know where he is.

2. I don't EVER have to worry about him cheating on me...he'd never approach someone EVER.

3. When I go to parties, I'm not glued to his side...I can mingle and do whatever I want.

4. He's always home when I get home...he never shows up at midnight, claiming, "Oh, I was at Steve's house and forgot to call."

5. He's perfectly happy being by himself, so I know he truely loved me for him to be willing to open up and share his life with me.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with her behavior. Look at it's good points instead of it's bad. I used to feel sorry for myself that all my girlfriends' husbands went with them everywhere, while mine preferred to stay at home. True, I could've begged him to come with me, but he'd have been miserable, and that would've made me miserable. Then, I realized that my girlfriends' "social" husbands were flirting with all the cuties, while my girlfriends tried to stay by their side.

 

that would suck!

 

Don't ask her to change. Don't ask her to be someone she's not. You don't marry someone, and then try to change them..you marry them for who they are. Look at the bright sides, instead of the dark sides.

Jijomo Member

Jijomo

Posted
Posted

P.S. I wanted to add that my husband HATES going ANYWHERE, because he hates being around people :confused: He said they look at him, and are rude and loud.

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