Does regret over a past relationship mean you haven't moved on?

[Hopeful30]

I know that having feelings of any kind towards a past relationship means you haven't entirely moved on. Whether it's loving affection or blind hate, there is still an attachment and emotions are involved.

 

But what about regret? A buddy of mine was in a long-term relationsihp that, though they had good times, he regrets spending so much time with her. He expressed how he didn't see how bad things were and he wishes he didn't lose the time.

 

I've never experienced this. I've overstayed in relationships past their due time but I've never felt any regret for it. After all, everthing is experience, right?

 

What are your thoughts?

[smackie9]

I don't really regret any relationship or whatever, because I find experience good or bad, is an important part of life.....it teaches us things about people and ourselves. Life's lessons prepares us to deal with situations better.

[gorf]

I don't really regret any relationship or whatever, because I find experience good or bad, is an important part of life.....it teaches us things about people and ourselves. Life's lessons prepares us to deal with situations better.

 

Couldn't have said that any better

[jen1447]

I disagree a bit about the premise - moving on doesn't mean you're apathetic about the past. Plenty of ppl have fond memories about past relationships, even if they're bittersweet, and that's generally healthy imo. Anger and resentment wouldn't be, but I think it's a rare person who just utterly doesn't give a damn.

 

I suppose regret's somewhere in the middle. I'm sure lots of ppl have pretty much permanent regrets so I'd be reluctant to dump them all into some dysfunctional basket (life's imperfect after all), but yeah I'd say it means there's unresolved issues there.

[deep_night]

ive regretted relationships that dragged on and were with people who proved to lack quality. this is because these relationships took a big toll on my view of people and general trust levels. i am over these people, and i was even before the final breakup but the aftermath was bad. it wasn;t worth the time spent with them.

 

on the contrary, i didnt regret a dragged relationship with someone who was a decent person. in that case it was just incompatibility that was present, despite of attachment. But the whole situation wasnt toxic overall so it was actually a positive lesson about relationships.

[Gaeta]

I have often looked at my past with regrets and it had nothing to do with my ex. I simply regret choices I have made. Getting married at 20 with my first boyfriend is a big regret, staying 15 years in a dysfunctional marriage is another regret. It does not mean I have unsolved feelings, it just means I wish I had made better decisions.

 

That being said I have found memories our out time together, funny how my brains brought those up since he died. Again it's not an indication my feelings aren't dealt with. I don't think you can completely feel indifferent of someone you spent half your adult life with and had a child with.

 

Actually I would be scared of someone claiming being completely indifferent of a woman he once loved and spent years with or completely indifferent of the mother of his children. That would come across as a huge red flag. I want a man with a heart, that cares and continues caring.

[Kkristine]

I just got out of my first serious relationship.

 

Do I wish things would have went down differently? Absolutely.

 

I do not regret anything though because; otherwise, I would've never learned anything from it.

 

At the time, I didn't know what was going on was wrong... or right.

[mortensorchid]

I have no regrets over past relationships. Perhaps that's because I was not the one who treated the other party badly or the one who dumped the other party, because I always get dumped. The other party? Well, I don't know about each and every one of them, but, they sure as hell have regrets I would imagine. Not just about me, but about so many other things that happened since.

 

I can say that I learned a lot, that's for sure. I hope they did as well about women and how foolish they were, because, as I have just recently decided - THEY are the loser, not me in the situation. I am / have been an awesome gf, and I would be someone's awesome wife rather than the trashy ones they have thrown me over for who took them to the cleaners. So no, no regrets. Had I wished I would have done things differently? Of course, we all do. But that's life.

[Gr8fuln2020]

The way I look at it, regret is NOT necessary an emotion of not being ready to move on. I'm not sure what people mean when they say that they don't regret ANYTHING and that somehow past experiences are only there to make you a "better", "stronger", "whatever" person. I find it hard to believe that everyone feels that way and yet whenever anyone speaks of regret, that is the vanilla answer that every gives.

 

If you have done something wrong, really, wrong, vile, evil, etc....if you don't regret that, and I don't mean dwelling on it to the point that it debilitates you in life in general, then I would be worried about you as a human being.

 

So, does it mean you haven't moved on? Not necessarily. It could mean that you are very aware of past mistakes you have made, reminded by them and continue to be a better person b/c of THAT regret. Not just the experience alone.

[Satu]

I don't think the eradication of feelings would be a good thing, even if it were possible, which it isn't.

 

I value every moment of my life. It led me to be where I am now, and I like where I am.

 

Here is a way looking at the past which I agree with:

 

 

Amor Fati

 

"Amor fati is a Latin phrase that may be loosely translated as "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good or, at the very least, necessary, in that they are among the facts of one's life and existence, so they are always necessarily there whether one likes them or not. Moreover, amor fati is characterized by an acceptance of the events or situations that occur in one's life. This acceptance does not necessarily preclude an attempt at change or improvement, but rather, it can be seen to be along the lines of what Nietzsche means by the concept of "eternal recurrence": a sense of contentment with one's life and an acceptance of it, such that one could live exactly the same life, in all its minute details, over and over for all eternity."

 

"I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: some day I wish to be only a Yes-sayer."

 

- Friedrich Nietzsche

 

"It is important to note that Nietzsche in this context refers to the "Yes-sayer", not in a political or social sense, but as a person who is capable of uncompromising acceptance of reality per se."

[crederer]

It depends on what your definition of "is" is.

 

But for real, he may have said "regret" meaning "in hindsight I was clingy" or w.e. Not that he isn't over with her, but coming to terms with why she left him (assuming that's what happened)

[howell]

We all feel regret sometime in our past but, it doesn't mean that we can't move on. It is normal to regret in our past as long as that regret will serve as a reminder to you to avoid commit same mistakes.

[Gloria25]

I don't get how regretting not moving on sooner means you miss the person that you regret overstaying with

 

I mean, if the sucked so much you wish you left sooner then how does that mean you still have feelings for them?

[Shanex]

I have some regrets or mistakes I did in relationship because I was young and immature (even more so than now so that's saying a lot), however I agree with others that it's part of life. I know what I did wrong, I learned about myself and others and know what I want from now.

 

Previous mistakes are a life lessons in order to try to be a better person. I was an unbearable brat until 20, it's only past 26-27 that I finally matured a bit and took relationship seriously and started respecting women.

 

(for the record I've never mistreated a woman but my behavior was really puerile to say the least, I'm not talking about emotional much less physical abuse)

[Satu]

There's an interesting book called The Strange Life of Ivan Osokin, by Pyotr Ouspensky, which ties in a little with this thread.

 

The title derives from the experience of Ivan Osokin living and then reliving his life again in exactly the same way, but with prior knowledge of his past mistakes the second time.

 

No matter how he lives it, even with foreknowledge, the end result is always the same.

 

Perhaps thats because the result he keeps re-experiencing, is actually the most beneficial one, even though he wanted it to end differently.