viudablanca Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 Hi everyone, I need your advice. I think I'm falling for a good friend of mine, but I'm confused about his behavior. Let me explain. Early this year, I (28) broke up with my ex-boyfriend of 4 years and moved to a new city for a new start. I had a friend there who introduced me to HIM, let's call him Alex (30). I met Alex in February and he was interested in me from the first second, while I wasn't interested in anything at that time. We clicked immediately though, which is rare for me. Besides him, I met his group of friends (which also included the guy who introduced me to Alex, who I've known for a long time) and we started hanging out all the time. A few weeks later, I got pretty drunk one night, and Alex and I kissed. From then it was clear that he's super into me, and he started chasing me. One time after we walked home, he tried to kiss me again, but I rejected him. I just didn't think I see more in him than a friend. He called me out on it days later and asked me out on a date, but I turned him down. Alex never really gave up on me, but he was also a good friend to me. We shared countless amazing conversations, laughed a lot, and there isn't a doubt in my mind that he's a great guy. Since he couldn't have me, he still hooked up with a few other girls though (and so did I with other guys), but he made always clear to me that he's actually just interested in me. Even our group of friends gave us a nickname of our two names together (like Angy&Brad=Brangelina) because everyone could see the incredible chemistry we had. Many times we were at bars with our group of friends and him and I were just standing in a corner not talking to anyone else. Over the last couple of months we kissed a few times again, but afterwards I always turned him down, which must have been really frustrating for him. Still, he kept talking to me, trying with me, having long conversations with me where he told me he's really interested in dating me and that we'd be great together etc. Then, over six months after meeting for the first time, something changed. It happened two weeks ago, him and I went to a festival just the two of us because none of our friends was interested in going. In the heat of the moment, we started making out at the festival, and it was so hot. I took him back home that night, and we slept together. Afterwards we cuddled, giggled, talked and watched Netflix. The next morning, he asked me if I want him to leave, because 'you said that you usually don't like if a guy you hooked up with doesn't leave the next morning' (that's a thing I told him months before. I was emotionally so unavailable that every time I had sex with a guy I just wanted him to leave afterwards). I told him to stay, and that it's different with him. We hung out till the afternoon. A few days later, it happened again- He took me home, and we slept together, and it was amazing. I never expected us to be THAT good together in every possible way, and that's probably when I started falling for him. I stayed with him Saturday night till Monday morning when we had to go to work. It was really nice, and so effortless. We had a lot of sex, we watched Netflix while he cuddled me and stroked my hair, he made me breakfast in bed, we talked a lot, we went to the beach, and he invited me for dinner saying that 'of course he's paying for our first date'. Then we hooked up again Wednesday night (less than a week ago) and the next day he even worked from home to stay with me for longer, and we hung out till the afternoon, cuddling again etc. We never talked about anything serious though, and he didn't mention anything about dating etc, which was okay, because everything was great anyways. Well, Friday morning I had a flight to visit my family at home for over a week (I don't live in the country I'm from), so after we said bye to each other Thursday afternoon, I kinda hoped he'd come by my apartment Thursday night to say bye to me and have sex for a last time before we wouldn't see each other for at least 10 days. He didn't suggest it, so I messaged him later that day asking if he wants to come to my apartment. He said he can't, that he's really tired, has to work a bit more and that he has a meeting tomorrow at work and wants to be well rested. I don't know why, but it sounded like a stupid excuse to me. I mean, he only lives 5 minutes by bicycle from my house, if you really like someone what's the big deal of meeting for another hour or so, knowing that we won't see each other for over a week after that? Plus, he always seemed like the type go guy who wants to be with me no matter what. I didn't call him out on it though, but I think he realized that I'm a bit pissed about it. The WhatsApp conversation fizzled out a bit, and he didn't respond to the last thing I wrote (it wasn't a question or anything anyways), so I went to sleep. He didn't message me the next morning, didn't wish me a safe flight, and also didn't ask if I arrived well in my country. I didn't hear anything from him, he only liked two things of me on Facebook. No message from him all Friday, all Saturday, which I found odd because I always heard of him. I also didn't message him because I was the last one who said something, plus after he didn't want to come to my apartment Thursday night I wanted him to say something. Finally, he messaged me Sunday night, saying 'Hey, so we're not talking anymore?' I messaged him back that same night, saying that of course we do, that he also didn't say anything, and asked him how his weekend was. He opened it, read it, and didn't answer til the next day (Yesterday noon). Ever since we've been messaging, but he takes ages to answer every time. Usually he reads my message (two blue checkmarks) and then answers HOURS later. He also hasn't said the things he told me before we hooked up for the first time- Like how much he likes me, and that he would really like to date me. I'm really confused. Is he actually interested in me or was he just into the game after all? If he was just a random guy I probably would have said he just wanted to get into my pants and that all this sweet talk was just the way to do it, but since we're actually close friends and have been hanging out with the same group of people for MONTHS and since I do trust him, I just find it weird. Also, we have this insane chemistry as I mentioned before, and when we were together it wasn't just about sex, we also had great conversations, watched Netflix and did stuff together. But then again, why didn't he want to come to my apt the night before I left? Why isn't he constantly messaging me? Why doesn't he say anything sweet anymore? I don't know what to think really. And not sure what I should do. Any advice please? Would be really appreciated. Thanks!
VeveCakes Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 Sounds typical avoidant. Act like the best thing on earth, pursue pursue then when it gets real he runs for the hills. I would dial back the initiating and see what he does. Might be time to talk about what you both are looking for.
deep_night Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 i totally understand your frustration, but i think he just takes space to think about you two carefully. i think he's probably unsure about whether it was just lust or something more for him. sometimes lust can be misleading, and when someone's unobtainable we don't have to think of whether we actually have feelings for them. or maybe something happened that turned him off. that doesn't mean you are unloveable! of course not! but maybe he had some false impression or fantasy about you that was shattered when you became more intimate. finally, there's also the possibility of him being a nasty player since the beginning. to sum up, don't be sad just yet. i know it's a nightmare! but patience. dont keep your hopes up high, but when you're back maybe you could have a chat about it. id start this convo by text, and then if he looks open to a meeting id ask to continue this chat over coffee. at this point it's better to be direct and ask him to be direct (after he's taken the ten days off to contemplate).
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