End of affair

[spanielgirl]

Hi, this is my first post here and really need some advice.

 

I'm a married woman with 2 children (14 and 12). Been married 16 yrs and with my husband 21 yrs. The past 2 years I've found myself feeling very different towards my husband. Mainly me not fancying him anymore!

 

I'm ashamed to say I've cheated on him by having 3 one night stands and come home and confessed all to him. Obviously he's flipped and left the house in a rage but has decided to forgive me for all 3, which makes things 10x harder for me.

 

About 6 months ago I put myself on a dating website for curiosity really. Then about 7 weeks ago this guy messaged me asking if I fancied chatting. He's also married (19 yrs) with 2 kids and went on there for the same reasons as me. We eventually met each other and to cut a long story short we have both fallen for each other big time.

 

I literally cannot stop thinking about this guy and it's taking over my life. He said if we were both single then we'd definitely be a couple, but it's more complicated than that. He makes me feel so very special and I don't remember ever feeling like this with my husband.

 

We'd spoken about ending it but neither of us wanted to but then last night he messaged me to say it's gotta stop as it's taking over his life and cannot concentrate on anything.

 

To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement.

 

He says he's in no position financially or emotionally to leave his family right now but who knows what the future holds.

 

Please, I'm looking for some advice on what I should do. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

[Buddhist]

You should accept that it's over and reflect on why you are sleeping with other men, getting on dating sites and actively looking for sex outside of your current relationship. The next thing to do is reflect on why you don't do the decent thing by your husband and leave him before you jump into bed with someone else.

 

Thats all the advice I've got for you. As someone who has been cheated on the one thing I cannot understand is why, if the relationship is so bad, you guys don't end it properly before rushing off to seek excitement elsewhere. That would be the adult thing to do.

[smackie9]

Move on from this affair and your marriage. Stand on your own two feet and just own it.

[aliveagain]

Commit to one of them, get rid of the other. Take lots of pictures of your children.

[ladydesigner]

Since it doesn't seem you are in this to help your M, why not post on the OW/OM forum. You will get the advice you are looking for there.

[Marc878]

Serial cheating is a serious you need to see an IC right away. For yourself your marriage is probably over at this point.

[jenkins95]

.

 

He says he's in no position financially or emotionally to leave his family right now but who knows what the future holds.

 

That was very bad form in my opinion to write that. Perhaps he thinks he's letting you down gently, but all this does is leave the door open and messes with your head. He has revealed his colours there - he wants to keep you hanging on while he decides what to do with his life.

 

Please maintain NC ((((spanielgirl)))). Get your head together about where your marriage is. That must be your priority - even if it ultimately has to end, this should be a matter for you and your h to deal with without a third party waiting in the wings.

 

Good luck, don't do anything crazy or rash. Keep posting here!

[understand50]

spanielgirl,

 

 

Did you sleep with this guy as well? In any case, you need to divorce your husband, as you are disrespecting the second chance he gave you.

 

My two cents...

[bubbaganoosh]

So now this is affair number 4. Your husband forgave you for your first three by the grace of God and now you turn around and kick him square in the teeth again.

 

How about letting your husband go so he could find someone more trustworthy. Sorry to have to say this but your an incredibly selfish person and he deserves better then what he's getting. Good thing your not my wife. Confession or no confession, you would be living out in the street alone.

[ShatteredLady]

You haven't just lost attraction for your husband. You have lost all respect, caring, compassion & empathy.

 

To cheat is one thing but to confess & watch the person you used to love, the man who meant the world to you break & DO IT AGAIN is horrific!! It truly is. Can't you see the agony that you've put him through & continue to put him through?

 

ONS are terrible but going on a dating site & catching emotions for a married man is so very much worse. You need to be questioning yourself. This isn't lack of attraction, this is resentment bordering on hatred. You've decided that your marriage is over. You've put yourself out there on dating sites. You're single only your poor husband doesn't know it yet!

 

You are either incredibly self-centered, cold & cruel or you've got major mental & emotional issues. You need help!

 

I know that people who haven't experienced infidelity don't really get the agony, devastation, loss of self that the BS is tortured with. Adulterers are known to be lacking in many ways making it even harder to feel empathy.

 

If you feel nothing but contempt for your husband try thinking of your children. Most mothers feel compassion & protective of their kids at least. I won't bother bringing in the destruction of the MM's wife & children. If you couldn't care less about your own family I don't expect you to feel anything for those lives that you're destroying.

 

We all grow & change. We either work on our marriages or let them die. At the end of the day there are decent ways of doing things & there are deplorable ways.

 

Who are you? What kind of person do you want to be? How do you want your children to think of you? Think long & hard about what you're doing, not only to the lives of your family but also to YOURSELF!

 

Read the OM/OW forum & see the agony. Read the infidelity forum & see the agony & learn how you are seen, valued, thought of by others. Not a pretty picture.

 

I hope you stop all of this cruelty & find some integrity.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hi, this is my first post here and really need some advice.

 

I'm a married woman with 2 children (14 and 12). Been married 16 yrs and with my husband 21 yrs. The past 2 years I've found myself feeling very different towards my husband. Mainly me not fancying him anymore!

 

I'm ashamed to say I've cheated on him by having 3 one night stands and come home and confessed all to him. Obviously he's flipped and left the house in a rage but has decided to forgive me for all 3, which makes things 10x harder for me.

 

About 6 months ago I put myself on a dating website for curiosity really. Then about 7 weeks ago this guy messaged me asking if I fancied chatting. He's also married (19 yrs) with 2 kids and went on there for the same reasons as me. We eventually met each other and to cut a long story short we have both fallen for each other big time.

 

I literally cannot stop thinking about this guy and it's taking over my life. He said if we were both single then we'd definitely be a couple, but it's more complicated than that. He makes me feel so very special and I don't remember ever feeling like this with my husband.

 

We'd spoken about ending it but neither of us wanted to but then last night he messaged me to say it's gotta stop as it's taking over his life and cannot concentrate on anything.

 

To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement.

 

He says he's in no position financially or emotionally to leave his family right now but who knows what the future holds.

 

Please, I'm looking for some advice on what I should do. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

 

 

 

Your husband is just a doormat - so much so that I can see (without justifying) your looking elsewhere.

 

 

Ultimately you should fast-forward your life 30 years... and figure out what you want to see from that vantage point.

 

If you want torn relationships all over your life... with your kids, with your periodic boyfriends/husbands, with your grandkids... and if you want your own kids to be routine cheaters with poor love lives more often than not... then keep straying.

 

Otherwise, think about your life, and your future, while understanding more clearly what will matter 30 years from now.

[Mr. Lucky]

That was very bad form in my opinion to write that. Perhaps he thinks he's letting you down gently, but all this does is leave the door open and messes with your head. He has revealed his colours there - he wants to keep you hanging on while he decides what to do with his life.

 

Somehow I don't think her problems revolve around whether or not he's left the door open.

 

spanielgirl, I simply don't understand why someone like you wants to be married? You're obviously more interested in variety than monagamy, so what not set your husband free and pursue the life you seem to desire?

 

Doesn't seem that complicated. Marriage is hard work, not everyone cut out for it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[gettingstronger]

Hello- your post is difficult to read- I hope you get in to counseling soon- I feel like you are on a collision course with a world of hurt with two kids in tow-I hope you can find the answers to why you are behaving this way and make yourself better-

 

I agree with the others-divorce should be high up on your list once you start to get your head straightened out-

 

Best of luck-

[harrybrown]

Get tested for stds.

 

Tell your H you love someone else and leave your family behind.

 

go to your AP and tell his wife you want him.

[Jersey born raised]

How is the relationship between the children and their dad? Your relationship with them currently is not good. You can deny but the the truth is you preoccupied with ONS, nights out, and now him. Adultery effects the entire family, spouse, children, siblings, parents.

 

Are you a stay at home parent? Is your husband employed? How much debt is your family in?

 

Your behavior seems like "martial suicide by adultery". Are you trying to force him to be the bad guy and file?

Edited September 14, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[Friskyone4u]

Hi, this is my first post here and really need some advice.

 

I'm a married woman with 2 children (14 and 12). Been married 16 yrs and with my husband 21 yrs. The past 2 years I've found myself feeling very different towards my husband. Mainly me not fancying him anymore!

I'm ashamed to say I've cheated on him by having 3 one night stands and come home and confessed all to him. Obviously he's flipped and left the house in a rage but has decided to forgive me for all 3, which makes things 10x harder for me.

 

About 6 months ago I put myself on a dating website for curiosity really. Then about 7 weeks ago this guy messaged me asking if I fancied chatting. He's also married (19 yrs) with 2 kids and went on there for the same reasons as me. We eventually met each other and to cut a long story short we have both fallen for each other big time.

 

I literally cannot stop thinking about this guy and it's taking over my life. He said if we were both single then we'd definitely be a couple, but it's more complicated than that. He makes me feel so very special and I don't remember ever feeling like this with my husband.

 

We'd spoken about ending it but neither of us wanted to but then last night he messaged me to say it's gotta stop as it's taking over his life and cannot concentrate on anything.

 

To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement.

 

He says he's in no position financially or emotionally to leave his family right now but who knows what the future holds.

 

Please, I'm looking for some advice on what I should do. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

 

 

Well, the bold type is probably the understatement of the year! You've graduated from one night stands to full blown affairs on dating web sites. And it appears this last one you did not confess to your husband.

 

Now not fancying him is NOT a crime or terribll. That happens all the time to people. But having absolutely not enough respect for him to tall him that and give him any choices here shows not only do you not fancy him but you have zero respect for him as a human.

 

if you have any semblance of concern for your husband you ought to confess the latest and give him two choices that he can make on an informaed and honest basis:

 

(1) give him the option to divorce you fairly

(2) give him the option of having an open marriage so you can continue to do what you are doing above board and with some integrity.

 

Given the fact that it appears he is not going to dump you after 3 ONS that he knows about, you may be surprised that for whatever reason he agrees to number 2.

 

Eventually, you will get caught because it is obvious this current OM will not be the last. At that point you might not have a chance to explain or bargain on anything.

[BTDT2012]

Be honest with yourself and your husband. You are not marriage material.

You're heartbroken? What about your husband?

[oldshirt]

. Been married 16 yrs and with my husband 21 yrs. The past 2 years I've found myself feeling very different towards my husband. Mainly me not fancying him anymore!

 

 

 

 

What happened 2 years ago?

 

What was going on in your lives 2 1/2 years ago?

[oldshirt]

Why are you so afraid and reluctant to divorce and live the life you actually want?

 

What is keeping you where you clearly do not want to be?

 

Why do you feel the need for your husband to determine if you stay together or not?

[Mr Blunt]

Your loyalty, commitment, and integrity are very poor and you are not marrying material. You will never have a successful long term relationship in marriage unless you do a LOT of changing in thoughts, attitude, and actions. GET HELP YOU ARE IN DEEP TROUBLE!

 

Spanielgirl, are you really that foolish that you believe in your own fantasies? It is hard for me to believe that you have no clue. Your so called lover’s statement below should alert you to a little bit of reality.

 

 

 

By Spaniegirl

He says he's in no position financially or emotionally to leave his family right now but who knows what the future holds.

 

 

ACTIONS always speak louder than words and feelings!

[Lion Heart]

Hi, this is my first post here and really need some advice.

 

I'm a married woman with 2 children (14 and 12).

 

I'm ashamed to say I've cheated on him by having 3 one night stands ......but has decided to forgive me for all 3, which makes things 10x harder for me.

 

Please, I'm looking for some advice on what I should do. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

 

MY ADVICE:

You are too far gone for anyone to help. Reading the pinned SUPPORT for remorseful WSs is wasted on you.

 

I seldom respond to threads by WSs with the "oh woe is me" bs but what HIT me about your thread starter was that your BH has forgiven you and that makes it 10x harder for you.

 

Wow! You really take the WHOLE cake eater's bakery with that line.

 

Are you serious???

 

Harder for YOU? Explain that concept so any one could possibly understand.

 

You don't have the COURAGE to end this farce of a M. Causing your BH perpetual waves of grief by YOUR actions. I bet you expect HIM to have your back. Whilst you stab him in the back repeatedly.

 

YOU HAVE SEX WITH OTHER MEN.

 

Get some guts and leave him. With the kids.

 

2 reasons serial cheaters stay to torture their spouses:

1) money

2) consequences for YOU.

 

YOU want his gravy train. House. 401k.

YOU don't want real consequences for your behaviours. Multiple.

 

My advice is to TELL YOUR BH to join LS.

 

I'd tell him:

Kick you out.

Expose your affairs widely.

 

Get your ducks in a row BH. As I did from D Day. Get legal advice to get the kids, the house, the 401k, the lot. Just like me.

 

You can be FREE to infect anybody ELSE who wants to sleep around. You and your M OM lol can go he** for leather at it. But oh dear.... no money.

 

Live in that world and you may find out that it's very lonely out there. As the STBexVVVVVVWH who got kicked out here has claimed through his blubbering tears to all and sundry including us. Pffffft. Yeah. Who cares. Not us.

 

He can have his life in a 1 room cabin on some else's property. 2nd hand furniture I picked up on the side of the road for him to take as his Settlement. No TV. A 30y old microwave. No bottomless ATM (Lion Heart). I bet he's lonely. Lol. Good.

 

So when, not IF, your children find out about your doings, as ours did from the horse himself (trying to extract sympathy omg lol), the kids wanted him out ASAP. They spent months not speaking to him at all. Btw no Court here makes children of ages 14 and 12 speak to their parent IF they don't want to.

 

Because of the "moral dangers" a serial cheating parent is exposing their children to, a Psychologist ONLY recommended "supervised access". My children don't have to attend.

Think about it. "Moral danger" from their mother.

 

Some children commit suicide because of their parent's affair. 1.

 

Wake up.

Leave.

 

MOST importantly, your BH could be finding THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE as I have.

Enjoying a beautiful relationship with a FAITHFUL partner.

She could be mother to your children.

 

Life is BLISS without a serial cheat in it.

 

Lion Heart

PS: I even got the chickens and the cat.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm hoping that you're still reading here OP.

 

 

There are so many things about your first post on this thread that disgusted me to be honest that I forgot 1 redeaming thing....

 

YOU CAME HERE & POSTED YOUR STORY!

 

 

If you're like me, some searching led to this forum. You were online looking for help. You read some of the threads here before posting. I was feeling very lost & confused to post intimacies of my life on a public forum.

 

I hope that you're still looking here, reading & thinking.

 

 

Please post again!

I've known people post, get hit hard & dragged over the coals....talk, post, listen & post some more. Really work through things. Grow & change.

 

If you're feeling insulted & angry explain 'WHY?'. Members here can only react to the information & voice that you show us in your OP. You came here for a reason.

[sandylee1]

It seems you told your husband about the 3 cheating incidents in the hope he'd end the marriage. It clearly wasn't out of remorse or you wouldn't have jumped back in to even more cheating.

 

Maybe having some individual counselling will help you determine which way you want to go with your marriage.

 

Something must have happened to make you suddenly not fancy him. Have either of you had a change in physical appearance? In jobs or earnings? Any major family or life changing events?

 

I'm not suggesting any of those is a reason to cheat, but the change in feelings towards your husband stem from somewhere. Dig deep and get to the bottom of it. I'm sure the last thing you want is for husband and children to find out about this last episode. Think about the loss of respect and the damage you'll cause.

 

Remember ... marriage is not an indefinite jail sentence. You have the choice to leave.

Edited September 15, 2016 by sandylee1
eta

[Robert]

Seems the thread starter hasn't come back after posting this, we'll close this up and if they return they can alert on my post and ask to have it reopened.

 

Thanks for all who participated.