I just want to trust him.

[Thegirlnextdoor1001]

Hello everyone,

 

I made a post on here before but I can't find it, so I'll make a new one. So basically, my boyfriend and i have been exclusively dating for over a month, and sometimes, it's absolutely perfect. We are both young, I'm 21, and he's 22. Obviously, me being a 21 year old girl, I want to be with him all the time, text him all the time, all that romantic stuff, but I know that is unreasonable. We see each other twice a week, 3 times if I'm lucky, with our jobs and he lives about 30 minutes away right now.

I'm already in love, I know, how stupid right? Just over a month and I'm saying I'm in love, but I am, and I've expressed this to him without saying the phrase. He isn't quite in love with me yet even though before he told me that he felt like he was falling in love with me. I'm not totally heartbroken that he isn't where I am yet, because sometimes that just happens, and people fall in love at different speeds right?

The thing is, I just want to trust him honestly. I will clear the air and admit that I am totally irrational when it comes to relationships, jealous, clingy, and Jump to conclusions, which I told him before we dated so he could make a more informed decision, and he still wanted to date me. He doesn't really give me a reason to distrust him, he has even handed me his phone to look through after we had it out about my trust issues but I shook my head and didn't go through it. He doesn't have a password on his phone, I have a passcode but I gave it to him without him asking for it, because those with nothing to hide, hide nothing right?

I want to look through his phone so damn bad, but I don't want to come off as though I don't trust him. Down in my gut I really do trust him, but my insecurities from being cheated on in the past have really messed with my head, so when he takes an hour to respond to my text when he's off work, my head starts wondering what other girls he's texting, and I know that's completely stupid of me, but I just can't help it. He treats me so well, and we have the best time, we went into a grocery store the other day and he was embarrassing me so bad because it was hilarious to him, and we were laughing so hard that I was almost crying, so when it's good, it's perfect.

He talks about "taking it slow" but see... We've already had sex. I know, that sounds awful, and I'm not really that kind of girl, the only other two boys I've ever had sexual contact with were boyfriends who I was very much in love with, and when we get the chance, we have a lot of sex, and it's so great, but really? I mean, we've kind of blown way passed taking it slow. He only texts me a few times a day, which sucks, because like I said, if I had it my way we would always be talking or be with each other. I just want to know how I can know if he's really into me, and how I can get passed my trust issues. I have talked to him about this stuff and he assures me that there's no one else in the picture and even went as far to say "I'm not going to let some skanky ass bitch came in between what we have" which was a really great thing to hear. I just want to be able to trust him, because I don't want to ruin this, he's everything I've been asking for, sweet, smart, funny, and protective

 

Thank you guys free helping a young girl in her love journey

Edited September 13, 2016 by Thegirlnextdoor1001

[smackie9]

Here's the thing. Sharing passwords, being able to freely look through their phone and all that crap will not prevent anyone from cheating or anyone from getting hurt, if they are going to cheat they are going to cheat. You need to just accept that you can't stop it from happening. It's a part of the risks taken when in a relationship.......learn to trust.

[ExpatInItaly]

Texting all the time and seeing each other all the time will often suck the life right out of a new relationship. I have to wonder why you need so much contact: is it because you're in the butterfly stage, or is it because you want to know what's he doing and where he is all day? You saying you get anxious when he takes an hour to reply indicates it's probably the latter.

 

I have been betrayed too. It's awful. But you know what? People who cheat will find a way no matter what. People who don't cheat, well, don't. You're misplacing your insecurity by assuming that being in constant contact is a safeguard. It's not. Oddly, one of my exes who was a cheater did what you are doing now - he was always wanting to know where I was, why I was taking "so long" to reply (reality check: I work full-time. I am busy and cannot carry on text conversations all day!) I felt very suffocated after a little while; it turned me right off. So be careful not to let your insecurities get to that point, OP.

 

It's not your boyfriend's job to heal you from your past hurt. Sure, he can do plenty to show you love and assure you that he's trustworthy, but if you feel you just can't trust him, you shouldn't be in a relationship yet. Look inside yourself; heal the wounds. Not every man cheats. Don't hold your current boyfriend emotional hostage for your ex's mistakes. If you continue to feel so mistrusting of your new boyfriend without any valid reason, you might want to consider staying single for a while to work on your self-esteem and get back to a healthier place.

[Thegirlnextdoor1001]

It's just so difficult... I do feel like I can trust him, I really do, I just have those insecurities in my mind.

[basil67]

Your boyfriend sounds terrific. And he's smart to not be talking about being in love - because quite honestly it's too early. At this stage, when you really don't know each other well enough to truly love them, it's much more about infatuation.

 

And before you rebut me about it being too early to love, you must remind yourself that you don't trust him. With love, there is trust.

 

I'm glad to know that you haven't gone through his phone I know you've warned him that you're jealous and irrational, and he's gone into the relationship with this knowledge. However, actually having to live with it is another thing altogether. He could guess that he'd cope, but then he'd wear down eventually when it all became overwhelming.

 

Big question is: what are you doing to help resolve your trust issues? Are you working with a psychologist?

[Thegirlnextdoor1001]

Your boyfriend sounds terrific. And he's smart to not be talking about being in love - because quite honestly it's too early. At this stage, when you really don't know each other well enough to truly love them, it's much more about infatuation.

 

And before you rebut me about it being too early to love, you must remind yourself that you don't trust him. With love, there is trust.

 

I'm glad to know that you haven't gone through his phone I know you've warned him that you're jealous and irrational, and he's gone into the relationship with this knowledge. However, actually having to live with it is another thing altogether. He could guess that he'd cope, but then he'd wear down eventually when it all became overwhelming.

 

Big question is: what are you doing to help resolve your trust issues? Are you working with a psychologist?

 

 

 

Well no... I'm not working with one, I just figure that it's something I can get through. I am starting to trust him more even though it feels like his infatuation with me is quickly going down, I don't really know how to explain it. I know that there is no real reason to distrust him, but I mean, I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 years that I didn't even fully trust all of the time, so I've just decided that I need to get to a place that I'm able to live with

[basil67]

Well no... I'm not working with one, I just figure that it's something I can get through. I am starting to trust him more even though it feels like his infatuation with me is quickly going down, I don't really know how to explain it. I know that there is no real reason to distrust him, but I mean, I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 years that I didn't even fully trust all of the time, so I've just decided that I need to get to a place that I'm able to live with

 

You're not seeking help? In that case, can we assume you can manage your feelings without it affecting your boyfriend or the relationship? Because if he's seeing you being jealous or insecure, he will eventually tire of it and you.

 

Over all though, no relationship is foolproof and we'd be silly to believe otherwise. The way to work through the insecurity is by trusting that even if it does go pear shaped, that you can bounce back (after the time required to grieve the relationship) and not let it affect future relationships. Personal reslience is the key.

 

Lastly, please stop putting so much store in "love". The infatuation stage lasts for many months. I know it feels so much like love, but it's a trick of hormones and chemicals. I'd hate for him to talk of love while it's still infatuation and for you to not take his feelings (and your own!) with a grain of salt. Start to believe "love" in another six months or so.

[joseb]

"Obviously, me being a 21 year old girl, I want to be with him all the time, text him all the time, all that romantic stuff,"

 

This is not obvious to me at all.

This is very clingy behaviour. It tells me you just need someone to be with.

The "love" you feel is not real love, you just love having a boyfriend.

And you are a bit infatuated.

When you get a bit older you will realise the truth of this.

 

Honestly, I don't think you are ready for a relationship in your current state of mind - I can't see this working unless you change your mindset.

 

Are you doing anything to resolve your insecurities (therapy/self help books/talking to a trusted friend etc)?

 

Also, for how long were you properly single before meeting your bf?

[Lois_Griffin]

OP, you've been watching way too many Disney movies.

 

You're not mired in reality at all.

 

Your intensity scares ME, and I can guarantee you're going to scare this boy off with your high maintenance need to be adored and loved.

[GemmaUK]

Believe it or not this isn't how most 21 yo women behave but it is behaviour that can last and can destroy any good relationships you may have though.

 

You say his infatuation is dropping quickly - and that's likely down to your insecurity if you are being clingy, needing to know where he is and what he is doing all the time.

I've been on the receiving end of that from a man in his forties and it is totally draining and a complete turn off.

 

You need to get some therapy for this but until you do that I don't think you're at all ready to date.

[Hopeful30]

I hear you woman! Same boat.

 

Here are some ways I deal with these invasive and mean things that come into my mind:

 

1. Why am I having this negative thought? What insecurity does this negative thought bring to light? Where does this insecurity stem from and how can I work on it?

 

2. I cannot control the thoughts or actions of others. Even if my worst doubts and fears are realized, my worrying and obsessing about it still wouldn't change the outcome. I will try to spare myself the heartache.

 

3. I accept that even if these thoughts are based in truth, it will be a learning experience and I will continue forward wiser and stronger, just like how I have grown wiser and smarter from past painful experiences.

 

Hope this helps!

[Gaeta]

I will clear the air and admit that I am totally irrational when it comes to relationships, jealous, clingy, and Jump to conclusions,

 

If you don't fix this you will never have a love story with a happy ending. You are young and with all life in front of you, go seek help concerning this otherwise we'll still have you on here at 40 wondering why you can't find a man.

[smackie9]

I would look into "codependency" IMO you see a relationship as what gives you value and self worth because that is what is lacking in you.

 

The best thing to do is to spend less time texting and worrying what he is doing. Go find other things to do and spend more of your time with your friends. Learn to be without him.