Jossiboo Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 Helllo. Long story short. I'm 22 and my bf is 23 , both working, been dating for almost 2 yrs and been living together for about an year so far. I found out some of the stuff He mentioned about his college education in the past was a total lie. It's not a big lie tho. One of the examples is that he said the reason why he didn't get the diploma after he graduated was because his school has this traditional policy that all graduates must pick up their diploma in person. And since his college is located in some other state, he doesn't have time to pick it up or something. However according to the website of the college (the one he said he graduated from) all diplomas are expected to be mailed within 8 weeks after the ceremony which proves that my bf did lied about this. There's some more lies he said in the past like this , however i have never brought it up.i just couldn't. I was worried that he might feel too embarrassed or be super defensive about this. Also, i don't really have a solid evidence that he lied about his eduation. I have been waiting and hoping for him to give me some explanation about this however he doesnt seem like he knows that i suspect him. What should I do..to talk about this issue? Without making him defensive ? Should I not talk about this at all? 1
Buddhist Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 (edited) You should realise that all people lie. The only thing we can really do in life is decide which lies are acceptable and which aren't. Its up to you how important his college education is to you as to whether you want to address it or not. But any kind of confrontation is going to make him defensive, you can't avoid that. Of course it also begs the question of why you felt the need to research this information to verify his story. Is there some larger concern in your relationship with him? To expect 100% transparency in any relationship is unrealistic. Your partner will always have some privacy from you. As I said it comes down to how important this particular issue is to you. Edited September 13, 2016 by Buddhist 8
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 It's one thing to lie about how you feel about their cooking (white lies), it's another to out right lie about important things. If it were me, I would not dismiss this and wait for him to come around. The thing is that is not his plan. It would also lead me to ask the question, "what else has he lied to me about......." 6
ExpatInItaly Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 I would be concerned. This is a fairly significant lie. It sounds as though he didn't actually graduate. You said he has lied about other things; can you give some examples? The problem here is that there appears to be a pattern of dishonesty. I would have a hard time trusting someone who lies to me about things like this. It's setting a bad precedent for future behaviour. I doubt he will just own up to it. I think if you want to get to the bottom of it, you will need to have a conversation in which you ask him directly what's up. If you've been together 2 years, your communication should be open enough to the point where you don't feel awkward broaching this subject. 7
Noproblem Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 I think this is serious, you should not ignore this.. I mean if he fail, why would he make up a lie about it? Everybody fails once or twice or more than that.. He is still young! Does he not trust you enough? not good Does he feel a lesser person because he failed in his education? Also not good Does he lie because he has some embarrassing hidden secrets, like being expelled from school for doing a horrible thing? Also bad I am not going to say if he lies here, he lies everywhere, because most of the times it's not related, but you have to know.. 3
jen1447 Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 I have absolutely no problem confronting ppl if I catch them in significant lies, so I'd be all for going the "hey I looked at your school's website and they say they mail diplomas" route. If he gets butthurt over that, eff him - he shouldn't have lied to you. I agree w smackie that not all lies are equal. Not even just white lies vs. regular lies. If you tell me some bs story about the fate of your diploma, it means you went out of your way to orchestrate a lie for whatever reason, and I can't have that, no matter how insignificant the lie, bc the motivation and rationale make you suspicious and unreliable. 4
stillafool Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 Are you going to break up with him if he doesn't have a college degree? 3
Gaeta Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 On a scale of 1 to 10 how important is his diploma to you? Is he working in his field? Is he making a living? You could tell him you have an idea and lets write to his college and request his diploma, at least speak to someone there. You'll see his reaction. Isn't their book year available online? 1
Author Jossiboo Posted September 13, 2016 Author Posted September 13, 2016 (edited) Hello Everyone! I really appreciate your advices. I'd like to add more details about this issue! Some other examples that I found it very suspicious was my bf's Linkedin profile page and his most recent resume file. We share a desktop together and one random day, I was just curious how his resume looks like compared to mine. I found his most recent resume in one of his folders, and clicked on the most recently edited version of his resume. Everything looked great and accurate ( like his past jobs that he mentioned before) but the college he mentioned on the resume was not the one he told me he graduated from. Also, he recently got a linkedin account and he was talking about this to me when he just got his account. I don't personally use a linkedin at all. However, the suspicious resume I saw the other night bothered me to death so I told one of my best friends and we found my boyfriend's profile on linkedin and this time he has his college on the profile however he did not mention whether or not he graduated. Last but not least, my bf said his BA program that he mentioned was 100% online classes. But I have never seen him do any homework at home, never ever. He said he usually finished all his homework at work.. I don't think this is realistic or possible at all. he just randomly told me one day that he graduated. It is very hard for me to bring up such issue. Becuase I've seen my boyfriend talking about his future plan (graduate school etc..) and how he finally graduated blah blah blah in front of his best friends, our mutual friends, and my friends. I'm scared that I might be wrong about this..(although I'm pretty sure he lied about his education) or.. I'm afraid that he might run away because he's too embarrassed or scared that I found out his dark side or whatever.. I honestly don't care if he has a diploma or not. He's still young I'm sure we can work it out together and my boyfriend is making pretty decent money compared to his age and our friends. However the fact that he lied makes me question our relationship in the future. Edited September 13, 2016 by Jossiboo 1
Gaeta Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 I think you are jumping the gun over very little. You don't even know who he lied to , to you or to Linkedin? And who goes in their boyfriend's resume just to look the the set up! I think you are looking for something to complain about. Just ask him straight out. 2
newheart Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 It sounds as if he may be embarrassed about his education or lack thereof. I am not sure what your background is, but perhaps he feels like he doesn't measure up to you. I am not suggesting that it was great for him to lie about it, but try to be sensitive to this when you discuss it. 1
blackcat777 Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 (edited) It's not whether or not he has a college education that is a dealbreaker... Does he LIE about important life things to make you feel a certain way? Can you trust him to be honest when times are tough or when he's embarrassed? Secondly, could he be a compulsive liar? A friend of a friend ended her engagement when she found out her "employed" boyfriend never worked where he claimed, but instead sold drugs, and her "real diamond" was a fake. The lengths he went to pull the wool over her eyes was frightening. He fooled all the family and friends, too. I am not sure how deep this rabbit hole goes, but feigning a diploma is a big thing in my book... so trust your gut, verify information, and pay attention to all of this guy's habits. MAYBE he has some deep-rooted issues and shame about something related to not graduating, and it's not at all about being a compulsive liar. I had another friend who had issues with a BF and his masturbation habits when they moved in together - masturbation was totally not a big deal at all to her - but she'd find random related *things* around the house that he would lie about. She was angry, confused, and started suspecting much worse things - not because of what he did, but clearly because he felt a need to lie to her about something so (what she perceived as) trivial - until he finally broke down and told her why it was such a sensitive issue. This could go a couple of ways. Foster intimacy, talk to him, let him know he won't be judged for whatever... but do keep an eye out for other weird things, too. Gather information. The other reason I do caution about compulsive lying is because one of the biggest reasons compulsive liars lie is to make themselves look better than they feel about themselves. Edited September 13, 2016 by blackcat777 2
GunslingerRoland Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 This sounds fishy, why would he have a different school on his resume than on his linked in account... someone is going to notice that real fast. Also are you keep saying diploma... are talking about a degree? Because you don't go to graduate school with just a diploma, and on the other hand, it doesn't sound like the kind of schooling he had would be a degree program. (Unless he is a genius, he isn't going to get a degree doing a couple minutes a day of homework in his free time at work.)
ses Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 I sympathize with your boyfriend because I was in his shoes in the beginning of my relationship. I met my significant other on a dating app that included your university and degree, along with several personal details about yourself. I left school several years ago two classes short of completion due to stress and had always intended to return, not only to receive a better job, but as a matter of pride. Anyways, my boyfriend always assumed I had a degree because I had it on the app but I finally admitted my lie several weeks into our relationship. I confessed I felt embarrassed because the majority of his family had post-graduate degrees and I didn't want my lack of degree to be a measurement of my intellect. I'm very fortunate that he's been incredibly supportive and has encouraged me to return since he'll also be completing his graduate degree next year. He's always wanted me to get a better job since a bachelor's is the barrier to entry for most entry-level American jobs. I would talk to him and gently mention the discrepancy between his LinkedIn and his words. It's expected that most young adults wil have completed a college education so try to be understanding. Lying in a relationship can be a red flag if it's habitual so I wouldn't ignore it.
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