mf0905 Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 (edited) Hello there, I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I am not here to discussabout my breakup or something like that but to discuss and read your opinionsabout my situation and my behavior (family values) and what to do in future relationships and dating. Sorry for my English. I ama 24 years old woman, and my family is half arab Catholic and conservative.What I mean by conservative is that my family has very strong family values, wealways try to maintain the family together and we care about each other. I candress however I want, I can go to night clubs, I’ve graduated from Universityalready. I do sleepovers at my best friend’s house (girl). I can go to parties.I can go on trips with friends. I have stayed at my friends’ beach houses. Andstuff like that… What my parents don’t like is me staying over at my boyfriend’shouse, obviously I live with my parents and they don’t want me to live withsomeone before marriage. Which I am perfectly fine with. My bf and I had dates,we went to clubs, movies, trips to the beach for the weekend with friends, Ihave been on vacations to other places with his family. What we never did was avacation totally alone, or something like that, I hope you know what I mean. If you readmy previously post, we went on a LDR because of work and he moved out alonebecause I Can’t move in with him without being married. SO, he BLAMED me of notloving he ENOUGH for accepting the fact my parents have traditions, he put allthe GUILT on me because he says when someone loves their partners they puthim/her first and throw everything away. And it made me feel so bad! How couldhe? So, should I stop talking to my parents because I’m 24 and I can’t move inwith my boyfriend? He told me I AM not brave enough because of that.. Whichhurt me, because OK I have family values, and yes I am 24, but because of thatI don’t love less, I have other qualities… and he also blame me because for himI left him alone because I didn’t moved out with him. What do youguys think? AM I wrong? Is he wrong? Advices for future relationships? Edited September 13, 2016 by mf0905 spelling
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 It's a good thing he is gone, because he is selfish and disrespectful. he knew going into the relationship that you were going to follow your parents wishes...he didn't have to date you if this was going to be an issue. What I see is a guy that wants to have you living with him with out the responsibility of marriage. ***Family means very little to him. He's a jerk and you dodged a bullet. 2
Author mf0905 Posted September 13, 2016 Author Posted September 13, 2016 It's a good thing he is gone, because he is selfish and disrespectful. he knew going into the relationship that you were going to follow your parents wishes...he didn't have to date you if this was going to be an issue. What I see is a guy that wants to have you living with him with out the responsibility of marriage. ***Family means very little to him. He's a jerk and you dodged a bullet. Thank you, so for future dating, I should not feel bad about me being a 24 woman with rules or family restrictions? because that is what I'm not sure, he made me feel so bad and less like I'm not brave because of that and my age, I don't know how to date again for that to not happen! Is it wrong that I am 24 and still following rules? Thank you
BlueIris Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 No it is not wrong of you. Be true to yourself. Smack’s right. He already knew and he should respect you and the way you live. Also, it takes a lot of nerve for anyone to expect someone else move with them for their career. He wants the benefits of marriage (you following him and giving up your life) with none of the responsibility. Good riddance. 2
Author mf0905 Posted September 13, 2016 Author Posted September 13, 2016 No it is not wrong of you. Be true to yourself. Smack’s right. He already knew and he should respect you and the way you live. Also, it takes a lot of nerve for anyone to expect someone else move with them for their career. He wants the benefits of marriage (you following him and giving up your life) with none of the responsibility. Good riddance. Thank you! tha makes me feel better. Yes I need to be true to myself! thanks 1
bubbaganoosh Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 Do not let anyone try to convince you to betray your values. Their doing it only for themselves and once you give to him then you have nothing. If he was a better man then maybe he would be upset that you can't go to his house but keep it to himself instead of telling you to go against your families wishes....................and yours. Stick with your values. Some man in the future will value them as much as you do. 1
Versacehottie Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 Listen chances are your parents are always going to be in your life and it could be really hard to be estranged from them.....AND not worth it if the guy which causes you to do something like this doesn't work out. I think most guys that meet you are going to understand your situation and position in the first couple of months. Good guys are probably going to understand, because being with you is more important than restrictions you have compared to other girls. Depending on where you live, what you are faced with may be quite similar to other girls that a guy there could potentially date (same culture, rules, etc). I think some guys will just respond selfishly when being in the relationship no longer serves them or they really are looking for a way out. I think unless you live on your own (which may not be acceptable in your culture or perhaps it's just not affordable at this stage in life for you) that might continue to face some of the same concerns. It's not a non-issue but it doesn't have to be one so big that it would cause a break up either. I think in some ways you would have to date like most teenagers do--a little sneaking around, a little breaking the rules but generally following the rules because of your living situation, the fact that your parents support you and to go against them would be a great dishonor. Think about it like this: any bf that doesn't honor the rules that are set up, is likely not going to be accepted by your family. That would be a very difficult and lonely and pressure-filled life, even if you ended up marrying him but your family didn't like, accept him or wasn't talking to you any more because of the way in which you dated him. I know it may sound really crazy that I'm recommending this but I think you need to put yourself in situations where you can discover if the relationship you try out are meant to be serious ones. That way perhaps you can progress to marriage (smartly and for the right reasons). If you don't see yourself making these sorts of decisions in the near future or are no where near ready, then you should put your effort toward independence. Living alone or with roommates. Under their roof, you will need to abide by their rules without causing a lot of trouble. Good luck--I don't think there is any easy way in your situation but sending good thoughts your way.
Buddhist Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 There's no wrong here just preferences. Your preference is to honour your values, when they conflicted with someone else you decided to stick to your values. Guilt trip or not, that's your preference. Perhaps its a good thing to find this out now before the relationship got too serious?
LD1990 Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 Well, guess I'll be the devil's advocate here, because I understand his frustrations. It sounds like he really liked you, but got tired of all these ridiculous restrictions his girlfriend's family imposed on her. It's natural to want to go on vacations with just your girlfriend. It's natural to want to spend the night with your girlfriend. And in adult relationships, both of those things are normal. You two are in your mid-20s, you're not in high school. If I was in his shoes, I'd be pretty damn concerned about your family too. I'd be wondering how long they were going to dictate your entire life. And yeah, if I asked my girlfriend to move in with me, and her response was no, Mommy and Daddy won't let me, I'd be ending things, too. And he's absolutely right that when you're in a serious relationship, your partner should come first. That doesn't mean that you have to throw everyone else away, but your partner should be the number one person in your life. Unless you want to spend your entire life under your parents' thumbs, in which case hey, make them number one.
Tribble Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 He should definitely respect your values, no doubt. He has a right to his feelings and it is completely understandable that he would be upset about no sleepovers or holidays alone but the way he has gone about it is unacceptable. It should be a calm discussion, not him having a go and making you feel guilty. However, the question is whether it is your values or your parents. You should absolutely respect your parents traditions and values but you are your own person and should be living your own life. It's not clear from your post whether you agree with no sleepovers and no living together before marriage. If you do, that's fine, but in your OP, you just say, they think this and it's fine. At 24, you should be figuring out how YOU want to live YOUR life. Still be respectful to your parents, of course, but don't sacrifice what you want out of that obligation. That will just make you miserable and your parents won't want that. These things are never easy but can be navigated.
morrowrd Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 A man who loves you is not going to put pressure on you to move out of your system of values. If your moral code is to not have sex or move in before marriage, and he knew that in the beginning of the relationship, he should be prepared to wait, be patient, and enjoy being together building other more important parts of what makes a relationship work. By respecting your values and traditions, he will gain your respect and even greater love for him. Love is really what the foundation of a lasting relationship is about anyway, not sex or living arrangements. If your boyfriend is young, like yourself, some of what I am talking about probably isn't going to really make sense until down the road. And being in a culture (guessing middle eastern) you I'm also guessing are going to not have the same variety when it comes to dating, like what we American's are used to. I know for myself, it took dating (and sleeping with) more than one person before I really knew what I liked and wanted. However, that's not to say if my culture didn't allow for that, I couldn't have adapted. (except for the sex part. You're really rolling the dice without "test driving" anything.) Back to you, at 24 you want your freedom more than anything. The freedom to choose. That I get, having parents and other adults making your decisions all your life, now you want a chance to take over the steering wheel. My opinion - when a woman chooses a man, I wouldn't put him above your family until you have decided he is the one you are going to marry. Once you have made that choice, I believe he should come first. The man should be doing everything he can to make you feel safe, secure, and make efforts to engage your family and respect their values and traditions. In return, your family should be respecting him, and making efforts to include him in their traditions, talks, and be supportive of the two of you.
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