TheBathWater Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 I've been seeing someone for almost two months and it's going really well between us. Our feelings have been growing more over the last couple of weeks and I find myself feeling more vulnerable. My last two attempts at an LTR both resulted in the woman cheating early on, and my model of the world suggests that relationships don't last and you can't trust anyone too much. I haven't really allowed myself to develop strong feelings in a while for someone because of this. However, this woman I've been seeing is starting to make her way into my heart. Based on her behavior, I have no reason to believe she will be sneaky with me, mislead me, or hurt me. As such, I'm able to prevent myself from being overreactive to her. But still, I cannot help but feel anxious on the inside sometimes based on what I've seen and been through in the past. We are both mature enough to acknowledge it and move on. I would like to extinguish these feelings moreso than give into them. I would appreciate any tips.
Ami1uwant Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 Why did those 2 cheat ??? Was their a common theme? Genearly cheating is a by product of other relationship problems that led to the cheating.
Dis Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 Why did those 2 cheat ??? Was their a common theme? Genearly cheating is a by product of other relationship problems that led to the cheating. This is so far from the truth...I dont even know where to start People cheat for many different reasons...even people in healthy, happy relationships Cheating isnt usually a reflection of the person who got cheated on....in fact most of the time its a reflection of cheater and whatever issues they have
Popsicle Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 I think just give it time. My boyfriend is just like you. He's been cheated on 3 times (the last 3, including 1 ex-wife). He definitely still is traumatized and edgy about it and makes comments from time to time, but I don't get upset with him when he is triggered. He seems to WANT to trust me and not be worried about me cheating and I think that makes all the difference in the world. You have to want to trust... I mean, really want it. If you want it and she gives you no reason to worry it will get better. 1
Author TheBathWater Posted September 13, 2016 Author Posted September 13, 2016 (edited) What set me off was when we were walking out of my apartment this morning. She was looking at the screen of her phone and I could see it was a text conversation exchange, but she couldn't see that I saw what she was looking at. I asked what she was checking out and she said it was "just a calendar reminder." What I saw was a text exchange, so I commented on that, and she seemed like she didn't know what to say. Then she said she was looking at the last text exchange between her and I from yesterday, which didn't make sense to me. I asked her why she said it was a calendar reminder then and she said "I don't know." That's when the anxiety kicked in for me. I didn't make a big deal out of it or accuse her of anything, but it definitely triggered memories of lies and texting from my last ex. And now I feel like I can't help but be a little on the lookout for a bit to see if there's any other instances like this event. People's actions say a lot. I have been in a rapid-heart-beating mode all day and night now. I hate how this always happens to me as soon as I start to care about someone. Edited September 13, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine
Popsicle Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 What set me off was when we were walking out of my apartment this morning. She was looking at the screen of her phone and I could see it was a text conversation exchange, but she couldn't see that I saw what she was looking at. I asked what she was checking out and she said it was "just a calendar reminder." What I saw was a text exchange, so I commented on that, and she seemed like she didn't know what to say. Then she said she was looking at the last text exchange between her and I from yesterday, which didn't make sense to me. I asked her why she said it was a calendar reminder then and she said "I don't know." That's when the anxiety kicked in for me. I didn't make a big deal out of it or accuse her of anything, but it definitely triggered memories of lies and texting from my last ex. And now I feel like I can't help but be a little on the lookout for a bit to see if there's any other instances like this event. People's actions say a lot. I have been in a rapid-heart-beating mode all day and night now. I hate how this always happens to me as soon as I start to care about someone. Yep, my BF does this too pretty much any time I'm texting. He wants to see who and what I'm texting but I don't always show him. Sometimes I'm having a private conversation with one of my girlfriends and it's none of his business. This really triggers him but I'm super understanding and try to reassure him afterwards and in other ways. In time he'll get it and relax. One thing that helps is that I'm always where I said I was going to be, always answer his texts and phone calls, and he knows I don't have any male friends or exes hanging around.
Dis Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 What set me off was when we were walking out of my apartment this morning. She was looking at the screen of her phone and I could see it was a text conversation exchange, but she couldn't see that I saw what she was looking at. I asked what she was checking out and she said it was "just a calendar reminder." What I saw was a text exchange, so I commented on that, and she seemed like she didn't know what to say. Then she said she was looking at the last text exchange between her and I from yesterday, which didn't make sense to me. I asked her why she said it was a calendar reminder then and she said "I don't know." That's when the anxiety kicked in for me. I didn't make a big deal out of it or accuse her of anything, but it definitely triggered memories of lies and texting from my last ex. And now I feel like I can't help but be a little on the lookout for a bit to see if there's any other instances like this event. People's actions say a lot. I have been in a rapid-heart-beating mode all day and night now. I hate how this always happens to me as soon as I start to care about someone. I've been cheated on twice by 2 guys in the past year so I might be overly suspicious but... If she was looking at an innocent text message she wouldve just said so...instead she straight up lied This would have my head spinning too Like I said, because I have a history of being cheated on I read into everything....but this doesnt sound good If I were you I'd just cut the bs and talk to her about it straight up....tell her you knew she was looking at a text convo....ask her why she lied. If she dodges the question or is unclear/unconvincing in anyway...consider this a huge red flag and move on....its better to know who she is now rather than not knowing who you're dealing with...spending the remaining time trapped in your spinning head
BlueIris Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 I would like to extinguish these feelings moreso than give into them. I would appreciate any tips. I think that the opposite approach is better. Don't extinguish them, or wish you could. Instead, recognize and embrace them in an observant way. They're your history, your lessons, part of your strength and wisdom. They needn't control you if you can recognize and accept them. Like, "Oh, I'm getting afraid because I was hurt before. That makes sense." Then it has less control over you. 2
JanenotPlain Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 Look at it this way, you can life your life never getting hurt again by never fully trusting anyone. But you're also never going to have the benefits of a true intimate relationship that way. Or you can take a chance and hope for the best. There are no guarantees. Not with this girl, or any other girl. All relationships have ups and downs. At some point even the most perfect mate for you will hurt you somehow, its inevitable. And if my BF were keeping tabs on my phone habits, asking me what I was doing or who I was texting, it would drive me nuts and I'd feel a bit suffocated. I'd probably lie too, just because I'd be irritated that you needed to know who I was texting in the first place.
joseb Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 What set me off was when we were walking out of my apartment this morning. She was looking at the screen of her phone and I could see it was a text conversation exchange, but she couldn't see that I saw what she was looking at. I asked what she was checking out and she said it was "just a calendar reminder." What I saw was a text exchange, so I commented on that, and she seemed like she didn't know what to say. Then she said she was looking at the last text exchange between her and I from yesterday, which didn't make sense to me. I asked her why she said it was a calendar reminder then and she said "I don't know." That's when the anxiety kicked in for me. I didn't make a big deal out of it or accuse her of anything, but it definitely triggered memories of lies and texting from my last ex. And now I feel like I can't help but be a little on the lookout for a bit to see if there's any other instances like this event. People's actions say a lot. I have been in a rapid-heart-beating mode all day and night now. I hate how this always happens to me as soon as I start to care about someone. I dunno man, as someone who has been cheated on I would never ask someone that kinda question or assume anything by it or try to read her phone. If she wants to cheat, she will cheat. I can understand your concerns, but really there are two possibilities 1. she is/will cheat - in which case now she will do it more carefully 2. it was something innocent, but not something she wanted to share, and now she is pissed off because you are suspicious. Do you two have a good sex life? Any issues/arguments? 2
GemmaUK Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 What set me off was when we were walking out of my apartment this morning. She was looking at the screen of her phone and I could see it was a text conversation exchange, but she couldn't see that I saw what she was looking at. I asked what she was checking out and she said it was "just a calendar reminder." What I saw was a text exchange, so I commented on that, and she seemed like she didn't know what to say. Then she said she was looking at the last text exchange between her and I from yesterday, which didn't make sense to me. I asked her why she said it was a calendar reminder then and she said "I don't know." That's when the anxiety kicked in for me. I didn't make a big deal out of it or accuse her of anything, but it definitely triggered memories of lies and texting from my last ex. And now I feel like I can't help but be a little on the lookout for a bit to see if there's any other instances like this event. People's actions say a lot. I have been in a rapid-heart-beating mode all day and night now. I hate how this always happens to me as soon as I start to care about someone. You need to get a bit more realistic. There's two things to consider here. For me anyway, every smart phone I have had stays on the screen I last had it on when I open it up. The other, maybe she just liked some of the recent messages you'd had and wanted to re-read them. If I had done that then hell no I'm not going to confess I was feeling that soppy! Lol! Don't be the guy who leans over her shoulder constantly checking on her always - that kind of behaviour can easily progress into smothering, possessive, controlling and abusive behaviour. 2
Author TheBathWater Posted September 13, 2016 Author Posted September 13, 2016 (edited) I dunno man, as someone who has been cheated on I would never ask someone that kinda question or assume anything by it or try to read her phone. If she wants to cheat, she will cheat. I can understand your concerns, but really there are two possibilities 1. she is/will cheat - in which case now she will do it more carefully 2. it was something innocent, but not something she wanted to share, and now she is pissed off because you are suspicious. Do you two have a good sex life? Any issues/arguments? Sex life is good. I'll say more about that in the next paragraph, actually. The only issue we really have is that we are both seeing other people, and that's starting to get intense for both of us. She lives with her fiancé, and I am casually dating someone (before anyone suggests, no...she was not texting her fiancé yesterday morning). Strangely, I don't feel threatened at all by the fiancé. They rarely ever have sex, and 95% of her sex life is with me. She, however, worries some other girl could wisk me away from her since I'm not officially tied down and on the market. I'm careful to mention that this is a consensual non-monogamous relationship, because then everyone here is going to assume that means there are no rules and we can see and sleep with whoever we want (as I've encountered on this board in the past). We do have established boundaries that we're not supposed to be with anyone outside of the current pool. I do not want this point to derail the thread now; I'm asking you all to be mindful. My only other issue with her is that she intentionally inserts a little drama into her relationships. She herself admits to having done this in her past relationships, but seems to think it's not present in ours. As an example, late last night before bed, we both indicated through text it'd been an anxious day (read: we were anxious about how our morning went earlier). I spent an hour getting very delayed and vague responses from her about whether or not she was wanted to talk about it on the phone, before finally giving up at midnight and saying I was going to bed because I had to wake up in six hours and was getting runaround answers from her on whether or not she wanted to talk. Only then did she decide to call me immediately and proceed to keep me up on the phone for two hours until 2:00 am. She even said on the phone to me that maybe being vague and giving me the runaround for an hour was her way of trying to get me to call her. I was so exhausted at that point, and irritated that she would do that. I have a super demanding job and can't be dragging at work. She started bringing up a couple of old arguments that were suddenly bothering her again, which was fine if that's how she really felt, but to me it seemed like strange timing and possibly her way of detracting attention from what had happened in the morning outside of my apartment when she looked like she was texting with someone but denied it. I didn't tell her that I thought she might be diverting attention from the real issue, of course, because I didn't want sh*t to hit the fan, and I just wanted to go to bed at that point. So I listened to her, but I continued to redirect the focus onto what happened in the morning. I do think she was being defensive and was unable to see why based on my past and based on how she responded in that moment, her behavior might not have looked so good to me. I am aware she sometimes goes out for lunch and drinks with a male coworker and/or a group of coworkers who she has some attraction for, so my mind worries if something is going on there (I absolutely did not share that with her though, assuming it's my irrational bulls**t coming up). I didn't accuse her of anything, not earlier that day nor last night, but I owned my feelings. I am giving her the benefit of doubt. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to feel triggered. I've been burned, and it is going to take me time to feel like I know this person well enough that I don't have to worry about stuff. What I really think is going on is that our connection is starting to deepen in exciting ways, and now that is scaring us both. We haven't known each other long enough to know what to expect from each other in the long run. I have had bad experiences with women being untruthful/unfaithful in the past, and she has bad experiences with men prematurely leaving her in the past. She very recently decided to share with me that she might consider leaving her fiancé to be monogamous with me one day if things go well over time between us. She worries that between now and the time it will take to establish that point with some confidence, another woman will take me away from her. The majority of our relationship is really good. We get along naturally and the sex is great. I think we're hitting a sensitive spot at this point that's triggering some of our unconscious wounds from the past. We realize that we each might have something to be hopeful and excited for should things continue to progress, which is great, but in turn with increased hope and excitement comes increased risk and chances of getting burned. Edited September 13, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine
BlueIris Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 I didn't realize that you were trying to be comfortable and secure in an open relationship that is just sex. I don't understand. Are you trying to train yourself to not care, to not develop feelings?
joseb Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 (edited) [] I would have zero expectations of anything, and I would not even consider it possible for her to "cheat" as she is actively "cheating" all the time on her Fiance. And personally, as someone who had a Fiance that cheated on me, and considering you were cheated on yourself, I would not feel good about myself doing what you are doing. Karma and all that... Unless the Fiance is all fine and dandy with all this, which I wouldn't believe unless he has told you that to your face in those exact words... Edited September 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3
Author TheBathWater Posted September 13, 2016 Author Posted September 13, 2016 (edited) It's a consensual arrangement. I believe I said that. There is nothing unethical about what we're doing. I'd like to suggest this thread now be closed. This is pretty typical around here I think when someone talks about open relationships that all kinds of assumptions about what the relationship is get tossed around (see commenter who said "a relationship just about sex"). The ignorance is astounding. Jesus Christ. I'm not posting on open relationships on this forum anymore and was exactly why I avoided mentioning the nature of our relationship in the first post. This was my last attempt. Edited September 13, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine
William Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 Good morning, While such suggestions regarding threads are certainly considered if made privately, that is the only method which is considered and public discussion of threads, other than the topic at hand, is prohibited. I cleaned up a bit of inflammatory commentary and will direct members to the topic of the thread, which is how to increase trust and decrease suspicion. Add derogatory adjectives regarding fellow members at your own peril. Thanks in advance for your cooperation!
Versacehottie Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 ohhhh, i dunno. I think you have put yourself in a precarious position to learn to trust someone under these open conditions. That is relevant because it is not really that conducive to encouraging trust. Inherently it becomes THE issue. And from appearances you are trying to justify and micromanage certain elements of it, which seems to be a trigger for your distrust. Not to mention, of course she is drama. Maybe you like that. Only attracted to that. But the rollercoaster of people who like and accept that in their partners will be the dynamic that is repeated. Looks like that is what is happening here. I don't have that much respect or hope for someone who doesn't end a live-in, fiance relationship before starting a new one. It's not the right foot to start off on to GAIN trust. Good luck
Popsicle Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 It's a consensual arrangement. I believe I said that. There is nothing unethical about what we're doing. I'd like to suggest this thread now be closed. This is pretty typical around here I think when someone talks about open relationships that all kinds of assumptions about what the relationship is get tossed around (see commenter who said "a relationship just about sex"). The ignorance is astounding. Jesus Christ. I'm not posting on open relationships on this forum anymore and was exactly why I avoided mentioning the nature of our relationship in the first post. This was my last attempt. I recommend posting in the OM/OW section. You'll have more people there (the ones who are current OW/OM, not the betrayed spouses) who will understand and relate to your feelings. And that section was designed for support. Some have been in the situation for a long time and can offer some words of wisdom.
BaileyB Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 No judgment to your situation... Except to say, for someone who admits that you have difficulty trusting people, you have put yourself in a situation where trust in the relationship will be really challenging. I would think that it is more likely that the situation will reinforce your mistrust rather than helping you to learn to trust and build a healthy, committed relationship. But yes, I think you trust her until she gives you reason not too. If she is consistent with her behavior and communication, she is earning your trust. Obviously, there is risk to be hurt in any relationship... You just have to chose wisely and hope for the best! 2
Gaeta Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 My only other issue with her is that she intentionally inserts a little drama into her relationships. She herself admits to having done this in her past relationships, but seems to think it's not present in ours. As an example, late last night before bed, we both indicated through text it'd been an anxious day (read: we were anxious about how our morning went earlier). I spent an hour getting very delayed and vague responses from her about whether or not she was wanted to talk about it on the phone, before finally giving up at midnight and saying I was going to bed because I had to wake up in six hours and was getting runaround answers from her on whether or not she wanted to talk. Only then did she decide to call me immediately and proceed to keep me up on the phone for two hours until 2:00 am. She even said on the phone to me that maybe being vague and giving me the runaround for an hour was her way of trying to get me to call her. I was so exhausted at that point, and irritated that she would do that. I have a super demanding job and can't be dragging at work. She started bringing up a couple of old arguments that were suddenly bothering her again, which was fine if that's how she really felt, but to me it seemed like strange timing and possibly her way of detracting attention from what had happened in the morning outside of my apartment when she looked like she was texting with someone but denied it. I didn't tell her that I thought she might be diverting attention from the real issue, of course, because I didn't want sh*t to hit the fan, and I just wanted to go to bed at that point. What I really think is going on is that our connection is starting to deepen in exciting ways, You are in a relationship with an emotionally immature woman. She is wasting your time, she has no respect for you, no consideration for your time and sleep. She likes drama and YES she is injecting drama and stupid little games in your relationship. It does not matter you are in a monogamous or non monogamous relationship. You are in a 'specific' type of relationship and is fully aware of the rules and boundaries of that type of relationship. She has in no way demonstrate she is ready to obey by those rules with integrity. All I see is a girl on the fence about playing fair and square with you. Your conclusion is she is starting to have deeper feelings for you? I have no idea where you got that. Must be wishful thinking, really really bad wishful thinking. What it is --> You have been dating for 2 months, you are finally starting to see her for whom she really is. This has nothing to do with being scared. It all has to do with who she is as a person and she doesn't come across as being a 'good person'. She got caught in a lie and acts sneaky. See her for what she really is that way you won't have to say you were cheated on 3 times. You need to end this relationship. I don't know how old you are but I am sure you don't want anymore wasting time on the wrong person. You won't waste time on the wrong person if you discard them right away when they act sneaky and don't live up to your expectation. There are plenty of ladies out there that are embracing the non monogamous life style and playing by the rules.
Popsicle Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 I think that a lot of single OM feel like they are in a position of power because "I'm the one she really wants to have sex with", and thus is why some single men seek out women who are in a relationship already, but that is a set up for failure, IMO. If there is any feeling or even ego involved, this is going to be more challenging than ever imagined. Tons of unnecessary drama is built into this dynamic. You can do better.
AMJ Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 This entire situation seems like way more trouble than it could possibly be worth. And only two months in??? Good grief, Tuna. I don't have any experience in open relationships, but what exactly do you expect from her? You're worried about her cheating? Are there rules about who she and you can or can't sleep with or something? None of this computes in my brain. 1
carhill Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 OP, you can teach yourself to let go of expectations and projecting current interactions into the future. Depending on your emotional makeup and style, sure it can be work and time-consuming but can be done. Try focusing on the moment and thinking and feeling in terms of the now as the end game rather than an investment that is supposed to guarantee some future payoff. People are infinitely variable and changing until they're dead. Trust yourself.
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