Struggling with decision to break up vs. reconciliation

[salparadise]

Does anyone have advice on how to better support friends with health and mental health issues who are really emotionally needy? I'm a pretty drama-free and not-needy person. I want to help, but I also don't enjoy sitting around talking about problems all the time. Maybe we just aren't super compatible friends? Or should I try to talk with her about what would make the friendship fulfilling for me as well? Should I let go of being frustrated with the friendship and try to be more supportive?

 

 

This is a common problem for people grieving a significant loss. They need to talk to work through the process and heal, but they wear their friends and family out long before they've worked through it.

 

From your perspective, you want to be supportive and compassionate but you can't dedicate your life (or copious amounts of free time) to soothing a friend's neuroticism.

 

The answer is that you support your friend to the degree you can, and then set some boundaries. For example, you might go to visit and decide you will listen for forty minutes, then transition to a different topic or suggest that the two of you go for a walk or go get something to eat or drink. You control the conversation. If they try to turn it back to their problem, ignore the attempt and continue with the other topic or start a new one. At the end of your visit perhaps you summarize and wish them well.

 

You can also recommend other ways to work through anxiety. Journaling is a big one. Perhaps buy her a Moleskine notebook and a nice pencil. Coloring, oddly enough, works wonders for a lot of people and there are adult coloring books now. Suggesting other people to talk to and encouraging follow through would also be helpful (counselor, clergy, crisis-support hotline, relatives, etc.).

 

A lot depends on their level of functioning and ability to read and follow social cues. You have to provide the cues, they have to comply. Otherwise, you discuss the subject gently and let them know that you cannot absorb their frustration for hours on end, even though you really care.

 

People have varying capacities to give and receive. Motivation also varys depending on the nature, depth and dynamics of the friendship. So recognize that this person has little to give at this time and has a lot of need. You have the capacity to give, so be conscious of how much time and energy you're willing to give, and communicate that in subtle ways using social cues.

 

If the person is ungrateful for you giving what you can, you might have to make a decision to discontinue. I think this is rarely the case though. It's more often a situation in which they simply don't understand the limits, and that you can fix by being gently assertive, conscious about the energy exchange, and setting some boundaries that allow you to remain engaged without getting worn out.

[elisalynn]

I've posted other threads about what my issues in my relationship were; I was having struggles accepting my boyfriend's close friendship with his ex. I felt like he still had feelings for her, but either way, I felt like they just talked too much for me to feel confident that he did not have feelings or that feelings would not develop again at some point. I've been in emotional entanglements with men in the past and it only hurt my relationships. I asked him several times to just change something, take it down a notch. He never did anything and then crossed the line at some point. I sat on the info that I had snooped out for about a week and let it rattle me and make me feel like I was done. I'm regretting not just bringing it up right away and demanding a specific change and clearly lay out what I needed specifically in actions, and then see how things went and changed from there rather than just cutting it off. We've been together almost 2 years.

 

I've been feeling burnt out and drained in general lately from life, relationships, summer fun, new responsibilities. When he made a mistake and crossed the line, I felt like that was it and he was never going to be willing to change anything for me. I was running on fumes in general and just had enough. I've learned a lot more over the last week and a half about their history and I feel a lot more comfortable accepting it and letting go of feeling like he has feelings for her. He brought up that he talked to her and they agreed to stop talking for a few months while my bf and I focus on our relationship. That all feels really great and makes me want to reconcile. I feel like adults can get to unhealthy points in a relationship and then agree to work on it. He is willing to change things with her and open it up and we can find a way to bring me into their friendship and I can get to know her. I guess I still feel like I was not entirely "heard." He won't conceded that something about their friendship was understandably inappropriate; being friends isn't inappropriate, but being in the type of friendship that you are so easily able to cross my boundaries is. He still is upset that I couldn't take him at his word and thinks it's unfair for me to want to change one of his oldest friendships. Emotionally, it still had the effects on me that an emotional affair has, even if I was analyzing the friendship incorrectly. I need to feel like he empathizes with that for me to feel like reconciling. Does that make sense? Am I overthinking it? I feel sometimes like I should just be okay with the compromise that I had been looking for and we can try it out and heal? Or... are we just not emotionally in-tune in a way that creates an impasse?

[Zahara]

This is the one that was sending porn to his ex?

[elisalynn]

Yep... I learned more about the situation, which is still totally unacceptable and gross, but makes me understand it a little bit. If he is willing to change the friendship now... I was definitely feeling a bit like "too bad, so sad, you screwed up too much" and now I feel more like "you screwed up big time, but maybe we can get past it if something changes." I believe in forgiving people and working on it, but at the time, especially, I felt like I gave him enough chances already. He doesn't have a lot of long term relationship experience, so I think he's kinda dumb about it. So, maybe that's not something I need to teach him, OR it's something he can grow from now. Eh.

[Zahara]

Yep... I learned more about the situation, which is still totally unacceptable and gross, but makes me understand it a little bit. If he is willing to change the friendship now... I was definitely feeling a bit like "too bad, so sad, you screwed up too much" and now I feel more like "you screwed up big time, but maybe we can get past it if something changes." I believe in forgiving people and working on it, but at the time, especially, I felt like I gave him enough chances already. He doesn't have a lot of long term relationship experience, so I think he's kinda dumb about it. So, maybe that's not something I need to teach him, OR it's something he can grow from now. Eh.

 

Personally, I think that he realizes you are serious about ending it and he's now negotiating to rope you back in. A man that has continuously disregarded you when you were in the relationship doesn't get my vote in terms of trustworthiness -- I think he knows that you lack boundaries and he knows that you are a benefit to have so now he's saying what he thinks you need to hear.

 

And stop making excuses and exceptions. When you start doing that, you will begin to accept and tolerate more BS than you deserve. He's not dumb or inexperienced and if he needs to learn, it will have to be on his own time, away from you. He was more than aware of his actions.

 

I also have a feeling that if you two get back, he'll hide his tracks better and will you ever be able to trust him seeing how he had no regard for you -- I think you can do better instead of settling for a very risky proposition.

[whatnot]

I admire your maturity.

 

This is not a "me" problem. This is a "we" problem. I've read your posts (at least in this thread). You should have told this guy long ago "I don't have a problem. WE'VE got a problem".

 

You have an obligation not only to yourself, but to the relationship. What you are asking for....is by anyone's standards, LOL....reasonable.

 

Spell it out for this man. Just tell him, when she contacts him, you want to know it. (And then, and this is what I admire so much about you, don't make it his fault that she did. I do not believe you will do this. And that's what is so mature you. That's what tells the adults from the kids). It's that you're not making the guy make a fool of himself. Now...THAT is refreshing in a woman. It shows....just how much you want him to keep his manhood. You would never take that from him. (That's just so cool).

 

You have an obligation to tell your man what needs to be done to make you feel safer. And this IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. It'll be telling how he handles this....as to where his priorities lie. Is it with his relationship with you, or is it with another woman.

 

He does not need to be initiating contact with this woman. (How many does he need?)

 

If you catch this man lying to you, you dump this guy. You deserve better than to be with a man who lies to you. That gets said a lot on this site. The difference being....you will find a man who will treat you better because you respect your man's manhood. His honor. You respect that. You wouldn't demand he give that up just to prove his love to you. Just to make you feel good that he'd do anything on earth you ask. YOU HAVEN'T ASKED FOR ANYTHING SPECIFIC! Do not be afraid to. Tell 'em what you need. specifically. DO NOT LET THIS MAN TURN THIS ON YOU!! (I'm just telling you things you already know though). You know this already. I'm telling you NOTHING you do not already know.

 

Find out what's important to this guy. If it's not the relationship....find another.

 

Good luck. You deserve it.

Edited September 13, 2016 by whatnot