Struggling with decision to break up vs. reconciliation

[elisalynn]

I know this is a common issue, I feel like I know what sort of responses I will receive, but I've been dating my bf for over a year and a half; I'm 29 and he is 31, if that makes any difference. He has a best female friend that he was roommates with for many years (in his early 20s) and then they dated for about 3 months (which he described as "intense") and then would hook up periodically whenever they would see each other after that. They broke up because she went to live the life as a traveling artist and he did not feel like he could go with her. They haven't lived in the same place for a long time, but they talk to each other constantly still. They Skype maybe once a week and chat on the phone periodically and text fairly often. for the first 5 months that we were dating (and for about a month after we became exclusive), I did not know that they had a romantic relationship at any point; I just thought they were friends and thought it was a little bit funny or cute that my bf had an obvious "puppy love" for her. It hit me like a brick when I finally found out that they had dated and that it had been the most intense love and relationship of his life. He talks nothing but praise about her and often talks about how everyone that meets her falls in love with her, because she's just that amazing. I met her last summer, and it was a fun time and I got along with her just fine. My bf told me that she thought I was great, and he told me that her opinion of me mattered the world to him. She thought it was great that I was so open and friendly to her, since all the other girls he has dated have been jealous of her and cold to her. She texts and tells him all the time about how awesome she thinks I am and how great we are together; it just feels a little uncomfortable since I really have only met her once so she doesn't really know me.

 

And just on Friday she invited us to her sister's wedding reception and said something along the lines of "I want (me) to meet my whole family so that we can all be best friends forever and ever!" (she's 26...) Also felt really weird to me. My bf's was going to respond by saying that (I) didn't want to go because it seemed overwhelming/intimidating, which I asked him not to say because I don't appreciate being thrown under the bus. He said that we don't have a working car right now, which is the actual truth, so we couldn't make it.

 

A few weeks after meeting her, my bf and I talked briefly about it. I told him that it seemed like he still loved her and that I'd feel like a fool if he left me for her one day. He just sort of shrugged it off and never really responded. I try not to bring it up, because I know it is an important friendship for him and I want to respect that. I keep finding myself feeling sad and jealous about things they do; they have a text game they play several times a week, he collects dimes religiously because it was something she started with him, etc. I feel silly getting irritated over these little things, but it feels like they just have all these little cutesy ways of staying connected. Physically speaking, I don't feel like there's a threat since she does not live here and I don't really imagine that ever happening. Emotionally though, I feel like he is still attached to her and wants to keep their connection fresh in case someday in the future they are in a similar place in life and can be together. I feel like they are each others backup plans and that I may never top the adoration he has for her.

 

If she lived nearby or in town, my approach would be to get to know her better and try to be good friends with her as well. But, she doesn't live nearby so I don't really know how to deal with this. I would Never tell him to cease contact with her. But, I expected that their friendship would start to wane a bit and he and I got closer and deeper into our relationship. I feel like he hasn't tried to get over her and that I am letting that happen by not voicing that it bothers me a bit. I kind of just want them to tone it down a bit; just take it down a notch, communicate a little less, create some more boundaries. I know that he loves and adores me, which all of my friends say is apparent, but I want to feel like his number 1 choice, not just best-ever-2nd-best choice. I know I have plenty of my own self-confidence issues to deal with here and I plan to try to deal with that. I am not trying to tell anyone what to do, but I want to express how I feel so that it is known and he can decide what to do with the info and maybe respond with something reassuring (or not).

 

Any advice on how to approach this? I mostly want advice about how to talk to him about it after all this time of "playing it cool" and not saying anything.

[frus69]

How long have you been with him? I hope not long, because get out ASAP before it hurts too much! Even if something never happens, You will still need a big big heart to survive in this kind of relationship. If you don't have a big big heart, get out.

And your BF definitely has feelings for this girl. Had she come back one day, you'd be out of the picture. And actually, it doesn't even matter she comes back or not, even if she doesn't, and your bf never be with her, she is always in his heart. You will never be the only woman in his heart, you are not the only woman he loves. Is that good enough?

 

 

General rule never date a man with very close female friend.Not worth it. Get out as soon as you find out. Plenty fish in the sea. People should distant themselves from opposite sex friends. Not to say cut them off but distant. Love just cannot be shared

[kendahke]

I mostly want advice about how to talk to him about it after all this time of "playing it cool" and not saying anything.

 

This is the problem: you weren't standing in the center of your truth. You were pretending to go along with a situation that made you uncomfortable for a year and a half. That's a long time to not be in your truth.

 

All you can do is tell him his closeness to her makes you feel uncomfortable. The rest is up to him--he will know how you really feel, but don't be surprised if he doesn't scale back his friendship or his contact with her.

 

I think the painful thing here is that he has made it obvious that her friendship is extremely important to him and it may be more important to him than your relationship---because he hasn't tried scaling back that friendship of his own volition since he's been with you. He is still behaving as if she's got his heart, imagination and emotion and all you have his physical presence.

 

Like I said, how he proceeds is up to him and if he feels scaling back that friendship to preserve your relationship is what he really wants. Time will tell by how he acts.

 

Never strangle your own voice in order to keep a man. If something they do makes you uncomfortable, you need to speak up to find out if they esteem you enough for them to change their tack. The insisting upon "not knowing" by not asking is just self inflicted torture--unnecessary self inflicted torture---and it's not worth putting yourself through that just to have a man. There are other men who have as much to offer as he does, but aren't still emotionally wrapped up in an ex with whom they really didn't part on bad terms. Granted, this may all be him and she's moved on, emotionally; but as long as he's still got an open door to his intimacy for her, expect to be a spectator in your own relationship. After all, you've spent a year and a half acting as if you were fine with this set up.

[elisalynn]

Thank you for the responses so far. Yeah, a year and a half is too long to have felt this way. It would fluctuate here and there; there were times where I don't think they had much communication and I felt like I was his only focus. But, it fluctuates and it's been a problem much more consistently for me over the last couple of months. She's having a rough time in life and relying a lot of him for emotional support. I'm going to talk to him in the next couple of days, since it's all I've been thinking about since Friday and I'm starting to just be passive aggressive about nothing.

 

I don't know exactly what to say. I'd be fine, probably, if he just talked with her less, toned down the cutesy stuff and knew how I felt. I know we will end up hanging out with her this summer and some point and I don't want it to be too weird or awkward. If she's having a hard time right now, I also don't want to try to completely cut off her emotional support, but she needs to find someone else to confide in and cheer her up. I'm debating whether or not I want to ask my bf to tell her about the conversation or not. Partly, I want him to just scale back on a more natural way of just being less interested. But also, I guess I sort of want her to know that I'm uncomfortable with how things are right now so that maybe she will back off a bit on her own as well; right? Friends are supposed to be understanding of that sort of boundary, right?

[phineas]

I have two women friends who claim i'm their "best friend".

ok. i've known them less than 4 yrs.

But my best friend is my buddy from highschool that i've known for almost 30yrs and that will never change.

 

I've also slept with those women at least once outside of a relationship or dating.

I wonder if me being a stud in bed has anything to do with my "best friend" status?

[Rainah]

I don't know how you can cope with this relationship, I would have bailed ages ago.

 

 

Its obvious he still has feelings for her and she probably does for him too, like someone else said if circumstances changed in their lives I think you would be out of the picture. It seems like they are in an emotional relationship with each other. Like someone else mentioned you wont be the only woman in his heart. Opposite sex friendships don't work out in my opinion without there being some kind of attraction. He should be considering your feelings and toned it down long ago but he hasn't. If you bring it up he will probably get defensive about it and probably try to make you look like a crazy insecure girlfriend, he is blinded by his feelings for this girl.

 

 

Another part of me is wondering if he is trying to hook you both up to being close friends with each other too for a 3 some.

Edited June 30, 2016 by Rainah

[kendahke]

Well, you can put it to him that you are not accustomed to sharing the level of intimacy of the man you're with--and having sex with--with anyone else.

 

Ask him how he would feel if you had the level of intimacy he has with this ex with an ex of yours? Would he be ok with you and your ex having these cutesy games and inside jokes, leaving him out? I seriously doubt he would like that.

 

Emotional affairs are just as destructive as physical ones, perhaps even more so, because you can't crawl inside of his head to direct traffic.

[kismetkismet]

How invested in this relationship are you? like do you want to spend the rest of your life with him and see a long future? Does he talk about a future with you?

 

I don't know.. it would take a lot for me to put up with that. It seems a bit like they are only not together now because it is inconvenient. As in.. if she lived in the same city and was able to be a stable part of his life that they would be together. But because that can't happen, they have a sort of emotional long distance relationship with each other and then also have physical and emotional partners that fit into their lifestyle.. Even if he may NEVER cheat on you physically, you have to ask yourself if you are really ok with emotionally sharing your man with another woman. Some people would be ok with this. Personally, I think it would cause too much anxiety and sadness for me.

[kismetkismet]

Also I'm saying this as someone that HAS a male best friend that she talks to every day. But my friendship with him is like my friendship with any other person.. the relationship your boyfriend has with that girl is more like a romantic relationship. Despite not having physical contact.

[lolablue17]

If she lived nearby or in town, my approach would be to get to know her better and try to be good friends with her as well. But, she doesn't live nearby so I don't really know how to deal with this. I would Never tell him to cease contact with her. But, I expected that their friendship would start to wane a bit and he and I got closer and deeper into our relationship. I feel like he hasn't tried to get over her and that I am letting that happen by not voicing that it bothers me a bit. I kind of just want them to tone it down a bit; just take it down a notch, communicate a little less, create some more boundaries. I know that he loves and adores me, which all of my friends say is apparent, but I want to feel like his number 1 choice, not just best-ever-2nd-best choice. I know I have plenty of my own self-confidence issues to deal with here and I plan to try to deal with that. I am not trying to tell anyone what to do, but I want to express how I feel so that it is known and he can decide what to do with the info and maybe respond with something reassuring (or not).

 

My advice is that you memorize this lovely text I've quoted here, and have a talk with him, saying the same text.

 

It's a great attitude who shows your concerns in a mature way and even leads to a solution. No man who loves his gf, will ignore your concerns, your blame you with anything, or suspect you for being unreasonable.

 

If he doesn't reduce his communication frequency with her, or trys to show you that he cares about you, that means he fail the test. If he cannot compromise, it means that you actually are No 2. At least then you'll know it for sure.

[Cayemmo]

First, let me say that it must be tough trying to come to terms with how you feel... and the uneasiness you must be experiencing has to be painful. It can't be easy to handle what you're going through. And I appreciate you voicing your concerns.

 

You mentioned not being really open with your boyfriend about how their relationship makes you feel. What do you think you should do? How do you think he will react? Do you think it's a good thing to be open and honest with your boyfriend? It's important that both of your feelings are heard and respected.

 

 

I would strongly encourage you both to sit down and talk about the issue... seriously, no matter how vulnerable or painful it may be. It's important to keep an open, honest relationship with someone you seem to care so much about. If you sense that the relationship with your boyfriend and his bff is unhealthy for your relationship to really grow, then it's definitely worth discussing.

 

 

The main issue is that with your boyfriend keeping aspects of his relationship with his ex/bff going is that it may — whether consciously or subconsciously — keep both of them from moving on. If her (your boyfriends bff) needs for opposite-sex relationship and companionship are being at least partially met by one another, any man's incentive to pursue and her incentive to be open to a new relationship will be diminished (and visa versa).

 

It's true that you shouldn't let your emotions ruin your love relationship. So I'd encourage you to stand back, get an objective perspective, set your boundaries, and be strong. If nothing gets accomplished from talking to your boyfriend, maybe you need to reevaluate the relationship. I don't know if you know Jesus but I just want you to know that He cares more about your situation than you might think. He cares about you Elisa and wants the best for you, your boyfriend and your boyfriend's friend. Consider inviting Jesus into your heart and allow Him to show you how to navigate this tough time.

 

I will pray for the Lord to give you wisdom.

 

God bless you!

[elisalynn]

Thank you guys for your responses.

 

I did talk to him. It was 4:30am a few days ago and he could tell that I was upset about something and couldn't sleep. Eventually I woke up too and we talked for a long time. Well, mostly I talked and he asked some clarifying questions. I told him basically what I had posted originally, but started getting upset and starting naming a bunch of random examples of things that had bothered me about their friendship; I'm worried it came off too petty.

 

He did not have much to say, he just hugged me a lot and told me loved me a lot. He said that his relationship with his ex has "gone through the ringer" several times and that they have managed to stay friends because their friendship is important to one another. I told him that I was not telling him to not be friends with her, just to bring it down to a normal friend level, and not all of this cutesy stuff; talk to her like he would talk to a guy friend (not a bunch of emojis, cutesy shorthand text, "besties" or "<3 you" sort of talk). I asked him if he would be uncomfortable if the situation was reversed and he said that he probably would. He said that he doesn't have guy friends that he has that sort of friendship with at this point in his life. He said that his ex was not good at having relationships or boyfriends, so he gave up on having anything romantic with her a long time ago (she has a history of jumping around from guy to guy and being flaky and indecisive, and often poly-amorous).

 

He brought up a ex-bf of mine that I used to hang out before I started dating my current bf and would sometimes get lunch with every month or two after my current bf and I started dating and said he would never tell me to stop hanging out with him. But I have completely stopped getting lunch with him ever since I could tell that my bf was feeling squirmy about it. He said would never tell me not to be friends with someone, like my ex-bf. I told him that I stopped since I could tell that it bothered him, and that I wanted to respect his feelings and so I stopped hanging out with my ex because it was the appropriate thing to do. He didn't say anything in response, other than, "oh." Toward the end of the conversation he finally spit out the words, "I don't love her like that; I am not in love with her." I think it was pretty difficult for him to spit out and I'm not 100% convinced, but it felt good to hear him say it and to think about it.

 

I need to follow up with him about it soon probably, especially since we talked about it so early in the morning when tired and stressed. I don't want to talk it to death, I just want to check in and see if he has any questions and see what he plans to do about it. Should I ask him point blank how he is going to change his interactions with her and what he commits to doing? Should I ask him point blank if he is in love with her or has any romantic feelings still for her? Any further advice? ...I am feeling a little better now that I voiced my opinion, but now I really want to know if anything has changed, if he has told her what I talked to him about, etc.

Edited July 7, 2016 by elisalynn

[frus69]

So besides all the "no I don't love her" speech, did he agree to cut off contact with her or not??? Action, action ?

It's not gonna make any difference if he says "yeah I love you" while keep doing cute stuff with her

[ExpatInItaly]

They still like each other. A lot.

 

I don't know OP; it's great that you said something but it's up to your boyfriend now to put boundaries in place. See what he does from this point out. Being on friendly terms with an ex is one thing. This is on a different level. He is still nurturing that soft spot for her.

 

Also, I don't like the comment she made that his previous girlfriends were "jealous" of her. No, they just recognized that they were sharing their boyfriend with a woman who also apparently has trouble with boundaries.

 

I would tread very cautiously moving forward. Don't ask him if he has romantic feelings; he's obviously going to say no anyway. You don't need to ask how he's going to change with her because you've already stated what you would be comfortable with.

 

Watch what he does now.

Edited July 7, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[Alamo657]

When an ex is still in the picture, move away fast, because someday she also will be in his bed, because "we're so good together".

[Lorenza]

You are so afraid of your own feelings. It doesn't feel right for you, but for some reason you are trying to convince yourself otherwise. Don't lie to yourself, it will only come back to bite you. It doesn't matter if their friendship is nothing wrong theoretically, it only matters that it makes YOU suffer and question it. I think that you're afraid to establish boundaries because deep inside you know he won't follow through and will choose her over you.

 

You will never be the only one for him.

[Poutrew]

Well, I have to admit, your boyfriend is telling you the truth, He is not lying to you. He told you he 'doesn't love her like that', which means that he does love her. He is just not having sex with her yet. He is doing absolutely nothing to help alleviate your fears. All he does is hold you while you vent and repeat 'I love you' over and over. When a man does this it means he has nothing to really say, but is thinking "I wonder if I kiss her now will I be able to shut her up or get slapped?"

 

Thing is, you can't help how he feels, you can only help yourself. You are never going to be comfortable being the second banana in this relationship. The only way you are going to be comfortable again is to end this relationship, and leave him. I'd bet after a week or two of you breaking up with him, he will be back with her...

[JewelD]

That's weird. and the fact that you have talked to him about it multiple times and he hasn't agreed to change anything is really all you need to know.

 

First off, I would never be friends with an ex because they are annoying and tend to screw things up with new love interests. But if my new partner told me it made them uncomfortable, I'd cut it off immediately. Wouldn't even tell my ex why, just BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK BLOCKAPALOOZA.

 

Now, if I liked my ex a lot and I only sort of liked my partner, I would bs them the way he is bsing you. I would tell you things to make you feel comfortable and satisfied but without actually promising to do anything concrete about it. That way, I get to keep you around when I'm lonely but I still have the ability to connect with my ex and potentially get back with them one day. and when that chance came, I'd either lie to you about it or just dump you entirely.

 

Totally hypothetical, but that's what would be the most effective thing for a jerk to do. That is the ONLY reason I think a man would not cut a friendship off with another woman if his gf expressed concern.

 

It's somewhere on here, but I made a post about a potential interest being friends with her ex and having tons of photos of them kissing and stuff on her fb page. Maybe they're not screwing yet, but it's easy to tell when someone has a fixation on their ex. and you can usually tell when it's them who got dumped by their ex. If he originally broke up with her, he wouldn't be fighting so hard to keep her around. Sounds like he got dumped and didn't want to be.

[elisalynn]

I'm back... thanks for the advice that I have gotten. Not much has changed since the talk... they are still talking a lot and he hasn't acknowledged at all that we chatted about it. He never committed to changing anything in our talk, but still.

 

Well, now it's two weeks-ish later. My bf has experienced a two different friends dying in that time. He has been talking to said ex-gf a lot in this time (and me, of course). Last week he excitedly wanted us to make plans to go with her and some of her other friends on a camping trip about 8 hours away from here; logistically it wouldn't have worked anyway, so we aren't going. I just found out this morning that she will be in town tomorrow for about 3 days as she is picking up a different ex-bf at the train station and then we are all hanging out for those 3 days... I feel sick to my stomach. I don't want to broach the subject with him right now since it has been such a rough couple of weeks with his friends passing away. I'm not sure how to handle her visiting right now though; part of me wants to try to talk to her about it, in a calm and respectful way. But, I also see lots of reasons that would be a bad idea. Most likely I'll just stay quiet and observe and feel it out. I don't want to make anything about me right now. I might just try to avoid hanging out with them, but it's unavoidable. Who knows, maybe it will be fun?

[frus69]

I'm back... thanks for the advice that I have gotten. Not much has changed since the talk... they are still talking a lot and he hasn't acknowledged at all that we chatted about it. He never committed to changing anything in our talk, but still.

How many times do you want to talk to him about it? How many excuses do you want to give him? How badly do you want to believe he only loves you? How desperate are you trying to be with him? How many times will you allow him to f**k with you?

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm back... thanks for the advice that I have gotten. Not much has changed since the talk... they are still talking a lot and he hasn't acknowledged at all that we chatted about it. He never committed to changing anything in our talk, but still.

 

Well, now it's two weeks-ish later. My bf has experienced a two different friends dying in that time. He has been talking to said ex-gf a lot in this time (and me, of course). Last week he excitedly wanted us to make plans to go with her and some of her other friends on a camping trip about 8 hours away from here; logistically it wouldn't have worked anyway, so we aren't going. I just found out this morning that she will be in town tomorrow for about 3 days as she is picking up a different ex-bf at the train station and then we are all hanging out for those 3 days... I feel sick to my stomach. I don't want to broach the subject with him right now since it has been such a rough couple of weeks with his friends passing away. I'm not sure how to handle her visiting right now though; part of me wants to try to talk to her about it, in a calm and respectful way. But, I also see lots of reasons that would be a bad idea. Most likely I'll just stay quiet and observe and feel it out. I don't want to make anything about me right now. I might just try to avoid hanging out with them, but it's unavoidable. Who knows, maybe it will be fun?

 

You need to stand firm on your boundaries here, OP.

 

You already talked to him about this. He apparently didn't take that very seriously.

 

If you mean business, gently but firmly refer to the talk you already had as the reason why you're not okay with this.

 

If you don't, expect more of the same because he knows you won't stand up for yourself.

[lolablue17]

Maybe this time he can get away with it because of the unique circumstances (The death of two friends). But if after a while his communication with her does not change a bit, Than you have all the information you need.

 

There is no point talking to her, and there is no point talking to him again I guess. You don't want him to do anything because of pressure. You want him to do thing because of his free will, just like you did in the beginning of your R when you stopped seeing your Ex.

 

Many years ago I had similar issues with my Gf (now my wife). In words, she has refused my requests. But in actions, (after stating that she can't do what i ask), she reduced contact with her Ex's and shortly after that she cut everything with them. So, you can give it some time to see if there is a change.

 

If after a while he doesn't change his day to day routine, after the conversation you made, well, what can I say? To ignore so unambiguously, something that bothers your loved Gf so much? It's a strong loud and clear message you're getting from him.

 

Any additional conversations will just make you appear weaker. Consider re-calculate your route of thinking about you and him. what you see is what you get. There is no misunderstanding. He doesn't care about how you feel about it. I know I wouldn't stay.

Edited July 13, 2016 by lolablue17

[elisalynn]

My friend and I have been friends for about 3 years. We usually get along great, have good laughs, have good talks, and have some fun adventures. She has been dealing with a lot of major depression, anxiety, health issues, self-esteem issues, etc.

 

I've started to feel exhausted with the friendship and I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to avoid her or end the friendship because I know that depression and anxiety can be really crippling and I want to be there for her. But, I keep finding myself irritated more often lately instead of compassionate towards her. She calls me several times a week and half the time she is calling me crying. We talk for a long time about what is going on with her, etc. I don't mind this sort of thing once in a while, but it is so often that too many times I just don't answer my phone when she calls anymore. I also just really don't like talking on the phone and have asked her to text before she calls to see if I am free or up for it. We often make plans to hang out, but then she cancels last minute because she is too tired or not feeling well. Anytime I ask her to come to my neighborhood to hang out, she never does, it is always me going to her. I know she has a lot going on emotionally and physically, so I try not to take it personally and I usually go to her anyway, but it gets tiring. When she is upset with other friends or her boyfriend and she wants to complain or talk to me about it... I usually agree more with the other person than I do her, so I never know what to say so I just listen. I also like to hang out with groups sometimes, but she only wants to hang out 1:1. I'd like to go on big hikes with her, but her health and mood usually only mean she wants to go on shorter walks or strolls.

 

Does anyone have advice on how to better support friends with health and mental health issues who are really emotionally needy? I'm a pretty drama-free and not-needy person. I want to help, but I also don't enjoy sitting around talking about problems all the time. Maybe we just aren't super compatible friends? Or should I try to talk with her about what would make the friendship fulfilling for me as well? Should I let go of being frustrated with the friendship and try to be more supportive?

[sugarpuss]

I've been in your situation before and it was tough. You want to help them as best you can but at the same time, you can't let it control your life and drag you down. I had a boyfriend treat me like a therapist until I got so close to the situation I almost snapped. I think you need to back away from the situation a little bit for your own good and for your friend's.

 

Is your friend seeking professional help? It sounds like she needs to! If she's not, I'd (gently) suggest she talk to a therapist. At the same time, I would make yourself less and less available to her while still supporting her. Obviously it would be horrible to ditch her completely, but she needs to learn to cope on her own as well and not use you as a crutch.

[preraph]

You are going to have to tell her "I'm too busy to stay on the phone with you or text back and forth any more than once a week," and then ignore it until she knows you're serious. Tell her it's keeping you from your other duties, friends and family and job. Suggest she see the psychologist more often if she feels compelled to talk more.

Edited August 1, 2016 by preraph