books2 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 I will try to keep this relatively short, but it’s not going to be easy. I met my EX 3 years ago on a dating website… This was about 1 year after separating from my EX wife...At that point I was looking to meet the proper person for the long run. I had been doing the online dating for about a year and was getting comfortable with it… I met lots of people and enjoyed myself quite a bit… But was thinking of taking a break from it… Then I came upon her profile and everything just seemed to connect with me… Her images, what she wrote about herself, the way she seemed… I knew instantly that she would play a special role in my life. I wrote her the best message I could and she replied… Made date plans, hit it off and we were together for the next 3 years of our life. Today I am 32 and she is 24. Things progressed effortlessly and everything was just magical between us… We immediately started making inside jokes and we understood each other… The sex was amazing and It just kept improving overtime as we got more familiar with each other. Her entire body was perfection. Everything about her physically was perfection… Her character was not perfection, but it was really awesome also! She was smart, well raised, funny, wise, loyal, honest, I know she will be successful in the future. We had many common interest and she was open minded about experiences such as trying new foods… But there was issues on the horizon… 1- I have a daughter and she was always honest about possibly not being able to accept this. 2- Some days her mood was horrible… On the days she got stomach craps, she would get very irritable, to the point where it was unacceptable… Anyways the first 5-6 months of our relationship were almost perfect and things were just going so well… However, 3-4 months into it, this girl I had dated before had messaged me, indirectly offering sex… I never really was into a loyal relationship before and had gotten used to the idea that people cheat… so I considered it for a few days… Mostly, I was thinking to myself : “if she doesn’t accept my daughter, then it’s doomed to fail and so why should I sacrifice this”… I was weak to consider it, but I turned the girl down and actually took the decision to be faithful and to change my ways and actually invest into my GF 100% even if I was scared it would end down the road… So anyways, I did not tell her about this and a few months later my GF spied on my facebook when I was sleeping… this was 5-6 months into the relationship and eventually she read the conversation… She somehow lost all trust in me because I considered the girl’s offer… For a week or so she considered leaving me or staying with me and she decided to stay, but the relationship became less enjoyable for both of us… I started working a second job(This was in January of 2014 and I never stopped keeping very busy between 2 full time jobs or full time job + full time school… Mind you, I have a daughter as well I take care of half the time)… Anyways, things just deteriorated from there on… She became very jealous, paranoid, untrusting, she became bitter towards me and started to really complain that we weren’t spending enough time together… We would spend on average 3 evenings a week together (perhaps more, but I can’t really tell for sure) and this was the absolute best I could give her, yet, she felt it wasn’t enough… I felt like she was way too emotionally dependent of me. She felt undesired and contacted a guy she knew was unfaithful and started to talk to him because she needed more attention than I gave her… He eventually tried to arrange for them to get together and she said no… But her plan was to have him ask her so she could feel more desired, she admitted this herself… Anyways, 2014, was getting harder, and there was incidents, but there was still a lot of love between us and we had enjoyable times together mostly. She also met my daughter and they have had somewhat a relationship since, but it would always create tensions between us more than anything. Then 2015 came and things got a lot worse… I was still busy and the love started to die in her heart… She would criticize me about a lot of things and I would always react negatively because we could never have a nice evening where she would not complain about me. She became very irritable about me texting my ex-wife concerning issues regarding our girl. She became very jealous of my family keeping in touch with my ex-wife also blamed me for it. It was always like walking on egg shells… She criticized me about getting married in the first place, about not being able to put her as my number one priority (which I did try to do, as an equal to my daughter). She criticized me about considering sleeping with the other girl over and over again. Anyways all this created increasing tension between us. I would always take her attacks so personally, because I loved her so much deep down and cared about how she felt about me. Anyways from January 2015 to September 2015, it degenerated quite a bit! The summer of 2015, we would fight 1 night out of 2… Then in September, she left for Europe for an exchange (she was a student) until late December… I visited her half way into her semester… The break from one another was necessary and It made me realize how much I missed her and how much I did care about her… We talked and kept in touch, but I really missed her… If she had not left in September, we would have probably broken up anyways because that the point things just got so nasty… Personally, I felt I was better off alone as I was investing a lot of time into her and it always made me so miserable when we would spend our time arguing and mad at one another… I was getting used to the idea of losing her and doing my thing alone. But when she left, I just realized how much she meant to me after all… So she came back a few days before the new year of 2016 and I was SO genuinely happy to see her and was looking forward to start new with her. I invited her to come live at my place (she was with her parents the whole time) and she refused. I wanted us to have a new beginning and a better understanding of one another, but all the negative things from before surfaced within a few days. My daughter called me a few minutes into the new year to wish me a happy new year and my GF (now EX) got upset about it. Anyways, I don’t know how it even happened, but things just got even nastier between us… I needed her to start accepting my situation in regards to my Daughter and my ex-wife, but she would not be interested. We would constantly keep fighting about these same issues and would constantly quit talking for days on end. I stopped talking to her and she would come back to me and then she stopped talking to me and I would come back to her. It became this real nasty game of always giving one another an ultimatum and I was just as guilty as she was, but every now and then, I would stop and tell her to please work it out with me and at least have “a talk” about fixing one another. But she was not interested. She would say that we were doomed and all this negative stuff, but she still stayed with me. Eventually, she got the brilliant idea of going across the country to work for the summer and she would leave in June. It became really important for me to have this “talk” before she left, but it never happened. At some point, she completely stopped loving me… She never told me she loved me since… I think it happened somewhere in January or February, or maybe It was even in 2015. I would still told her that I loved her every day we spoke, even if I wanted to kill her sometimes… She told her family we had broken up and then stopped sleeping over completely. We were still together and having the same relationship, but only, she did not want people to know. Writing how bad our relationship got, I realize how absurd it is, but it just became normal to me, to have this sh**ty relationship where things were just so dysfunctional. Honestly, I just got used to it and always thought we would find a way to work it out because after all, we could not get rid of one another for good. Thinking back, the only thing we had going for a long time near the end was our sexual life and this is probably the only thing that kept us together for the last 6 months to 12. Anyways June came and she left for the other side of the country. The last 2 weeks before she left, we had been fighting intensely and barely talked. I tried to push our “talk” till the end, but she never gave it to me. So I let her know that I was not going to wait for her anymore and and that I was moving on. But in reality, I just wanted her to apologize and to give me that talk even if she was hundred of miles away. Maybe I believed I would move on at the beginning, but quickly after, I realized that is not what I wanted. She texted me for first 10 days. One of the last times, she let me know she was missing me. Then she completely vanished… For 10 days, nothing from her. My birthday passed and nothing from her. It was the worse birthday of my life. Anyways, after 10 days of radio silence, I contacted her to ask why she was doing that. She said she had moved on. For a week, I tried to get her back but she did not want... We barely talked as she would not reply to me. Eventually, I told her I was interested in working it out with her still, to start a positive dialogue but I needed her to participate too. I told her to let me go if she did not want to try and work it out and I would go and live my life like a single person again. A few days after, she replied saying she was letting me go. I did not reach out to her since and have got absolutely nothing from her either. This was like, 40+ days ago. Some days, I am happy with things in my life. I have been spending more high quality time with my daughter. I plan on working on a business instead of a second job. I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I did wrong in the relationship and think I have learned A LOT… About just communicating (thing I have been horrible at)… About not playing stupid games… About expressing myself properly when I need to... About listening to her when I need to… About not loosing my temper when she criticized me. I know I did not say much positive about her here, but she was a great girlfriend. She tried really hard to accept my baggage and my history. I made the relationship sound horrible, but it was not, it was great. True, the end was brutal, but I have so much awesome memories with my EX. Everywhere I go around the city literally reminds me of her as we have memories everywhere. I also made it sound like the whole thing was her fault. But it was not! Not at all! She felt I didn’t love her enough and honestly, until she left for her student exchange, I had forgotten how much I loved her. She felt I didn’t care enough about her or not properly enough. I would always fight back when she criticized me, not really letting her express herself the way she probably needed. Anyways, you get the point… the problem is not all her, contrary to what I might have led you to believe. We are 40+ days of NC, and honestly, I am still in love with her. I forced myself to go on a date 3-4 weeks ago using online date sites, but it just reminded me of how much I miss my EX. I never really had problems finding a girl to date from these sites and am confident I will find it again. But am not feeling ready for that… AT ALL… Even if some days I am mad at her for not giving us our last real try (the talk, I am referring to), I still love her and can not fully detach. I don’t know when she was planning to come back in town exactly, but I am thinking it would be around now or maybe even 1-2 weeks ago. I was really hoping, deep down, that she would contact me when she got back. In the past, we could never really let each other go and I was thinking that being back home and close to me, she would cave in, but she has not. I don’t know if she is back home, but with each passing day, I understand more and more that it is really over. I am still very vulnerable. If she was to text me right now, I would get back with her in an instant! I MISS HER!!!! I know it might sound ridiculous, but she is the only person I want as a GF. We had that magic and the way I felt about her when we first met, I still feel it! I would do anything to be able to grab her in my arms right now and tell her how sorry I am for the way things degenerated between us. I miss all the fun activities we did together… I miss being able to talk about anything with her… I miss her smell… Her hair… Her butt… I miss our jokes… I miss her... she was my best friend and the first person I would go to for everything! I’m sorry guys, this was way longer than I wanted it to be… You guys can now rip me a new one and tell me all the truth I need to hear… I can take it, so don’t hold back… I realize I need to hear some hurtful things. I am progressing, but obviously am not getting over her much. She told me clearly that it's over, but I am still really hoping for her to backtrack and come back. Help!
marky00 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 40 days NC is the peak of the pain. Im about 25 so yeh its bad. I am going to aim for 100 days NC and see how I fell. Most people on here say they started feeling better at about 3 months NC. It definitely does suck how by the time they tell you, the deal is done. Like in my case, she asked me to take her on a holiday. I though ok, things must be ok then. Couldn't contact her for a month but because I was looking after my old sick dog, no-one would offer to babysit.... so I was like procrastinating about killing my dog or the holiday wasn't gonna happen. Well like 30 days past and I was going to have to tell her something. Rang her up and yeh, she told me it was over. 9 years long-distance and it all ends due to fact my only option was killing my old dog that I just wasn't ready to do (although looking back I should have done it 2 years earlier). This is why I have chased and treid to convince her otherwise. I did manage to keep her in my life for an extra 2 years but I knew her heart wasn't in it anymore. Women are defo different to guys in this regard. I think for guys, its possible for them to consider going back to an old relationship. I definitely do feel angry that she wasn't able to sympathise with my situation and the fact that I was in a really tough spot. Lesson learned !!!!! At the end of the day, no one cares what issue your having, even the supposed love of your life.
Marc878 Posted September 1, 2016 Posted September 1, 2016 Shes young and doesn't have the life skills to deal with you and your current agenda. She told you and showed you she wanted out. Believe it. Your heart hasn't yet synced up to your head yet. If you haven't block everything and move on like she has.
Author books2 Posted September 1, 2016 Author Posted September 1, 2016 (edited) Hey Marky00, Didn’t know 40 days was the peak… Honestly from day 30 to 40 I was doing fine… And now it really hurts… I suppose I am just starting to really realize that this time, this is it… I always was optimist about her coming back into my life up to here… But it’s just been so long with nothing… I’m slowly starting to loose hope. It hurts like a witch. I was hurting too before, but in a more superficial way, if you can understand what I mean. Im sorry, she dropped you out of the blue like that… 9 years… Gez, that’s a long time mate… I feel for you. I won’t pretend this took my by total surprise… We have had ongoing issues for SOOOOOOO long… But I came to think it was all BS… My mind really got used to the idea that we would always talk and try to leave one another, but that it would never work. So now it is working, I am surprised, but she did tell me again and again that we would break up, somehow she never left or would always come back, so I did not believe it. Sucks about the situation regarding your dog… I suppose it sounds really harsh to an outsider, but perhaps when you are doing a long distance thing for so long, the expectation change and the tolerance shifts… Maybe that’s what happened in her mind? Thanks for the comments Marc878, You are right about her being too young to deal with my life properly. Honestly, it all boils down to that… Otherwise, things would have been great for us. Her mind could not relate to the past experiences I had and there was no empathy by her part. Just criticism. It’s pretty hard to take when the person you love so much just does not accept you and where you have been like that. Yep, my head and my heart are at totally different places. Honestly, it feels like my heart will never move out of here. I am feeling my head might have to move back to where it was for a while if I want them to be in synch… Then perhaps they will be in synch, wherever they then go… What I am trying to say is I am really thinking of getting my head to the state of trying again with her. I have been considering the idea of sending her a letter… Telling her where I have been, what I have been up too, telling her about the changes I have made to my life, about the things I have learned from our relationship. Being honest about my difficulties in moving on without her. Being honest about my feeling of still being attached. From my past experiences, this would always be the type of thing that would get me one more chance in the past… Now today, if I could have one more chance, so much things would be changed and improved from my personality… If she did a bit of growing also, I’m thinking maybe this time around it could work. I won’t lie to you guys, I still want my last try sooooo bad… Even if it fails miserably, I don’t care, I still want to try. Regardless, if we still continue to have the same issues and argue, then obviously, we will find out relatively quickly and probably then I could be more determined about moving on than I am now. I am just wasting my time in this state anyways. I have no idea where her thoughts are. I don’t know if she is struggling like me or doing fine. I don’t know if she found another guy and left me to be with him. I don’t know if deep down she still does miss me or not. I just don’t know anything about where her feelings are. When she left me, I just acted like it did not bother me at all. I told her I was interested in trying one last time, but also acted like if she did not come back, I would be totally fine, but it’s complete nonsense. Maybe she is thinking I am fine and figures she better leave me alone and suffer through it on her own without trying one last time for my sake? I mean, let’s face it… No contact… Keep no contact… NO CONTACT… This is all anyone ever proposes… Say she listens to you guys, you will tell her not to contact me… If I listen to you guys, you will tell me not to contact her… Then say we both want to try one last try and no one moves because we listen to others… Then it dies for sure, when maybe there were still chances of things working out. I’m thinking that she would at least answer my letter and let me know where she is at mentally and emotionally… Then I can take it from here. If she is doing fine and not interested in trying with me, then I know for sure and eventually my I have my heart move to where my head is… Say she does not even answer would be the same. And if there is hope for one last chance, I want to pursue it! I hate how fake I have been acting in regards to her… Playing the game that I am fine and not needing to contact her… Fakeness in our society has always been one of the things I hate the most! At least if I was genuine and things did not work out, I would not have to blame myself for anything… By acting fake, I am just hurting myself in the process as well! Does anyone get my drift? Edited September 1, 2016 by books2
Author books2 Posted September 3, 2016 Author Posted September 3, 2016 Hello guys and girls... I have done a lot of thinking on my situation. I have pretty much convinced myself that I would be writing to my EX before the end of the weekend. All this time of no contact allowed me to get a much clearer view of our relationship and allowed me to really be able to focus on myself... Improving a lot of deficient aspects physically or in my mind... I have now hit a point where, I analyzed all I needed to about my ex and still feel I would like to try again with her... I know the chances of it working out are slim... I know I am putting myself at risk of loosing A LOT of progress... but I still want to pursue this, even if I get hurt... If I do not do it and just continue to wait it out until I become fully detach, I am going to regret not having tried reaching out all my life. Also, I have 0 details about where my EX is in her own grieving process. Nothing at all... This is keeping my mind in the zone of ''what if''... Now if I write to her, no matter what the outcome, I will have more details about my chances... She either replies and tells me what she wants or she does not write back and it means that she really does not care about me anymore at all or that she does not want to try and work on us at all... There is also a few things I need to tell her... If anyone has any arguments that I should hear about why I should not write to her that I could be forgetting about, PLEASE SHARE IT WITH ME asap!!! Thanks for all that even take the time to read my post... I know it's hard to understand and long!! Any help is really appreciated here
marky00 Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 yep, almost 30 days and I must say it has got worse. Guys I have a lot of experience working on a recon, did it most of last year. It paid off, I managed to see her again but it didn't last long (due to a 3rd party I suspect). I have also hit the point where no-contact is hard. In my case, she just totally went quiet. I know absolutely nothing good will come out of it but......... I think the problem is I have always tried to contain myself and as a result haven't overstepped boundaries as of yet during the post breakup period. I think as a result of that, I'm sometimes tempted to make a quick contact just to see if she is at the point where she won't even respond. Because I suspect a 3rd party is involved, I doubt she would want to initiate contact. But based on what I saw last year, if your going to be silly enough to play the game of waiting on a recon, make sure you keep your contact spaced out well, minimum of 30 days. Probably once very 6 weeks or so would be better. If you show them you are respecting their space, that keeps you in the game, should you be so silly.
marky00 Posted September 3, 2016 Posted September 3, 2016 Be careful with the letter. I have one written up as well (wrote it 2 months before she went silent because I knew I would be too emotional to write one once it was over totally). Dont's for the letter: -Do not talk about her faults or her mistakes. She already knows what they are. In fact, you'll just unburden all her guilt if you do that. - No being or pleading. Talk calmly, more like you are simply stating facts as opposed to feelings. - Don't try and make her see things your way. If you felt misunderstood about anything, you may be able to factually state what was happening on your end but don't make it an excuse for behaviour. - Do not apologise. Yes, you probably feel like the breakup was mostly your fault but that onus of responsibility was taken away at the time of the breakup. You may be able to acknowledge some of your sub-optimal behaviours (so at least she knows that you know) but don't apologise, just state it as fact. If there is something you really feel you need to apologise about (needs to be pretty bad), do not put conditions on your apology with her mistake as well. E.g. I'm sorry I did that silly thing but you irritated me. - Do not pretend to accept the breakup if you haven't. She will get super agro if u try and worm your way back by pretending to be a friend or whatever. Respect her decision yes, but don't go out of your way to say your all hunky dory about it.
Author books2 Posted September 3, 2016 Author Posted September 3, 2016 Hey Marky, thanks for the pointers mate! Very valid checks to keep in mind in order to attract the most positive outcome... I think I'm pretty good : I'll tell her what I have been up to since she left... Things like spending time thinking... Changing my diet, jogging daily, spending more time cooking and trying new recipees, I started volunteer work on Sundays, bought some new clothes, spending more time with my grand-mother, and more quality time with my daughter... Such things... Then, I'll talk about what I have come to realize about myself mentally... Come clean about my bad communication problems and how certain outcomes would have been different in my life if I had just been more assertive about situations... Talk about being honest with yourself and with others. Relate it to professional or social examples that do not involve her, but that she is aware of. Saying I wish I had been more attentive to her. Let her express herself in my company without always taking things so personal. Saying we should have done more enjoyable things together, like evenings together dedicated to just massaging each other. When we split, I told her I would be acting like I have been single again... Implication being I would go out and sleep with other people which I could easily do has they are somewhat accessible to me. She was always insecure and the fact I could easily do that was one of her issues... This was total manipulation on my part and she and I know it... I will tell her I am sorry I have said that (yes sorry for 1 thing)... That I am not ready for anything like that at all right now... Letting her know I have been behaving which she is probably not thinking I have been doing. Telling her I realize that, with time, I could find someone even more suitable for me than her... But I can be forever happy with her and I would rather want to spend my time working on my relationship with her than starting over something new with anyone else. (Letting her know I am not scared of possible outcomes, but telling her what I would like). Letting her know how she was a positive influence in my life, even in break up. How I knew from the beginning I new we had a story to live together. How that story shaped me... Telling her that I wish the story was not over, contrary to the attitude I have been giving off... I think that covers everything.
Bumble82 Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 Honestly, I would say ask yourself WHY you're sending the letter, and the outcome you want from it. If the only reason you're sending it is because you want to get back together, don't do it. If she wants to get back with you, she'll contact you. I feel your pain, I really do. I'm 6+ weeks NC with my ex who broke up with me after 15 months together and me moving across the world with him (commitment phobe, clearly). Anyway, what I mean is I have these same thoughts every. Bloody. Day. I want to message / call / write to him to say all sorts of things, but I manage to take a moment each time and think... Why? And the answer is always the same. I want him back. But contacting him in any way will not accomplish that. If our exes want to reconcile they will contact us, and any contact from us just won't help that. IF they're going to change their mind it will happen on its own, and it will come from them all on their own. If not, it's not worth it dude, honestly. I'm with you, I really am, it SUCKS so much, but silence is WAY more powerful than any words you can say or write. Annoying but true. Stay strong! It's torture and hell, and every other rubbish thing you can think of, but it's the only way unfortunately!
marky00 Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 You are right about the letter not being effective in changing the outcome. However, in some cases one might consider sending it as an aid to open the door for a recon, should the dumper ever feel that way in the future. The words on the letter probably won't change the overall impression the dumper has of you but if your words resinate with them (e.g. some acknowledgements etc), that may aid the possibility of a recon if some pretty bad behaviour occurred. I think it depends on how the breakup occurred. Like sometimes the dumper will just purposely set the whole thing on fire to make sure there is no going back. Well my ex did that, but I stayed calm, didn't react and a couple of months later we were back in contact. Sometimes they move on faster if they think you hate them etc. so they may try to get you to hate them. In that situation, one letter might be a way to keep the door ajar slightly if your willing to accept the pain that comes with that situation. But if you send it, you need to prepare yourself that you won't get a reply. In fact, you don't really want a reply right now because they will set you back in your recovery. Send and forget would be the way to go.
marky00 Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 OP, Remember the Dont's ? I think the tone of your proposed letter has too much pleading. Ok, pleading isn't as bad as begging but talking about all your self-improvements could be considered to be pleading. And she will probably see it that way too. There's a fine line here. It's fine to state a few self-revelations but don't do it in a way that sounds like your trying to convince her you have changed. Acknowledge 2 or 3 things and leave it there.
aloneinaz Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 OP- don't contact her. Leave her alone. Save your dignity, pride and self respect. You'll only look desperate, needy and very un-attractive. Stay on this site and read the posts. When a R/S ends, it needs to stay that way. It ended for a reason and the chances of a reconciliation working are as good as winning the lotto. Stay NC and move forward. Let that chapter of your life close. It's hard. I get it. As time passes, it won't be so painful to think you'll never be with her again. Hell, you may even be happy with that thought. 1
marky00 Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 When a R/S ends, it needs to stay that way. It ended for a reason and the chances of a reconciliation working are as good as winning the lotto. This may be true but you have to admit that when you rehash a failed relationship, it never looks that way. I mean, in my case, 8 years long-distance, agreed to meet for holiday (just needed to secure the date etc). I was super stressed-out trying to get a sitter organised to look after my old dog but I couldn't find one so wasn't able to call her back for about 3 weeks (yes I should have called sooner but felt silly calling to say I couldn't organise the trip). Well, when I called she told me it was over. I later asker her how her feelings changed so soon. She simply just said that during that 3 weeks she went from being "unsure" to "sure" after 8 years. Also mentioned her friends advised a breakup due to long period of no-contact. So yeh, there may be a reason but it definitely sux how the tipping point occurs on some rather petty thing and so your tempted to get into the "what if" scenarios.
aloneinaz Posted September 4, 2016 Posted September 4, 2016 This may be true but you have to admit that when you rehash a failed relationship, it never looks that way. I mean, in my case, 8 years long-distance, agreed to meet for holiday (just needed to secure the date etc). I was super stressed-out trying to get a sitter organised to look after my old dog but I couldn't find one so wasn't able to call her back for about 3 weeks (yes I should have called sooner but felt silly calling to say I couldn't organise the trip). Well, when I called she told me it was over. I later asker her how her feelings changed so soon. She simply just said that during that 3 weeks she went from being "unsure" to "sure" after 8 years. Also mentioned her friends advised a breakup due to long period of no-contact. So yeh, there may be a reason but it definitely sux how the tipping point occurs on some rather petty thing and so your tempted to get into the "what if" scenarios. My friend, the concrete facts are it's over now. While we all wish we could go back in time, we simply can't. We are left to learn what we can from the experience, change things in ourselves if needed and plod forward in life. Personally, I couldn't nor would I ever be in a LDR. It wouldn't happen. I think you need to look at the fact that you're out of that situation as a positive. You now have the chance to find someone who's in your town. You can see them daily if you want. My point is that I learned that I healed much better when I let go of the past. I accepted the fact that when something is over, it's over. It wasn't meant to be. I stayed NC and my gosh did it help me move on. Look at the veterans on this site who come back to help out. There's a reason we all say the same things. It's based on our experiences and the thousands of others who followed this excellent advice and moved onto better relationships.
Author books2 Posted September 8, 2016 Author Posted September 8, 2016 (edited) Honestly, I would say ask yourself WHY you're sending the letter, and the outcome you want from it. If the only reason you're sending it is because you want to get back together, don't do it. If she wants to get back with you, she'll contact you. Hey Bumble… indeed we are in the same boat… If I need to answer your question in all honestly. I would say I am sending the letter for 3 main reasons. 1-Because, I have no idea where my ex is at mentally and in the break up. If she is at a place where she would like to give it one last shot, like I am, I would like for us to try. I realize she would just contact me if she wanted to try again. So I know my chances are bad. Regardless, I have done some really great progress in the last 45 days personally… And if she has worked on herself, I honestly think we can meet somewhere we can make it work now mentally and emotionally. 2- For the sole reason of NOT having to ask myself : “What would have happened, if I tried to reach out to my ex?”… Now I might still wonder : “what would have happened If we tried one last time?”, but this one is not in my control. 3- I’ve hit a point in the breakup where I am ready to let go, but can’t because I keep wondering if there is any chance at all, due to the lack of knowledge about my ex. I’m stalling and my mind keeps going back and forth with pursuing my ex and pursuing without my ex. Obviously, there is one option I much rather, but both outcome would be beneficial to me as they would show me a clear path from that point on. For what it’s worth, I know how my ex is… She is extremely indecisive (to a fault) and extremely stubborn. So even if she is not contacting me, I think there is chances that her mind is not entirely made up or she might want to try again but is just too hard headed to let me know. Either way, I’ll take the outcome and move on from there. To Marky and Alone, I appreciate the discussion you guys had about this… Truth is, I have been tossing the idea of sending a letter or not in my own mind for a while as well… Part of me wants to do it for the reasons mentioned above and part of me does not want to do it in order to : 1-Save face. 2- Because I am hurt about having been dumped. 3- Because I do not want to help her in her recovery process by giving her attention which, in turns, can give her more power to continue. 4- Because of the fear of being rejected. 5- Because I realize that relationships rarely successful after a first break up. And I might be at risk of wasting some of my time even more on this. I am still going back and forth in my mind on rather or not I should send this letter… But I am tipping more towards the “Send it”. The reasons for not sending it seem to be all very negative and out of fear. While, the ones in favor of sending the letter are positive… Edited September 8, 2016 by books2
Author books2 Posted September 12, 2016 Author Posted September 12, 2016 (edited) So, I broke no contact after 51 days… For those who wish to go and read the whole background go here (But I warn you, it’s a long read): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/593394-my-story-now-40-days-nc I was stalling in my progress because I was at a point where I was ready to truly move on. But I have made so much progress on myself, that I just kept wondering where my ex was at with her entire process. I was wondering if we could meet together at an evolved place to better try and work things out together. So anyways, I wrote her a nice letter yesterday, telling her about me and my progress… I then invited her to meet at a park today. She said she was really impressed with my progress and all that typical bla bla… And she informed me she was seeing someone… We chatted a little last night and she elaborated a bit on it… From what she was saying it seemed like it was just not serious at all. The whole conversation made me feel like I was talking to a lost little girl. Said she didn’t know if it would last with him, but said she wanted to keep him. We agreed to meet today at the park and I went off to bed… Honestly, at that point, I was thinking of stealing her back, which, I think, I would have had very good chances of doing seeing her state of mind. Perhaps I was hoping for a miracle… That somehow I was misunderstanding something and got the whole thing wrong (yeah right). I didn’t get much sleep and just started to think about what kind of ‘progress’ she made on her own… Obviously none. As I began to think about it, I began to get turned off. Finally, this AM, I cancelled the meeting with her… Just told her I wrote to her searching for answers on her progress and mental process. I told her that in our short conversation, I felt I got all the answers I needed. I then cancelled the meeting and told her good luck. That is it… I’m here, BROKEN! Literally, this person with who I shared the last 3 years of my life… This person with who I saw a future with. This person that was my best friend and for who I felt love at first sight...She just decided to give up on us to be with this other guy that is not even serious. This person for who I would have done anything for. Even wait for her the last 3 months while I worked on improving myself. Guys, I know this is the right thing to do, but currently, I am just feeling shattered. Completely disappointed and unable to understand what is in her mind. Any encouraging words would be great right now… I know I have done the right thing to keep the power and to heal the quickest, but gezzzz, it just feels so awful right now!! I’m truly BROKEN. Edited September 12, 2016 by books2 1
mg4514 Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 Based on what you've written-this should tell you: She is not who you thought she was. This is a tough pill to swallow sometimes. You might feel betrayed. But you're learning that everything you believed about the two of you was a mirage. In some respects, this should bring you peace. I've been here my friend. Believe me I have. After months and months of reflection, the only conclusion you can arrive at is this: the relationship did not mean as much to her as it did to you. Once you accept that-and quit with the "but" "but" "but"--you will begin the real process of moving on. It's a bumpy road, I'm on month 12, and I still have hard days. But you have to believe: she was not in the relationship WITH you, she was in FOR her. Good luck my friend. 2
Nowty V Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 I don't get you You wanted to see her. She agreed. You could have had a nice time, maybe an ice cream for old times. Then you just blow her out. I'd stay away from her, for her sake. 2
VeveCakes Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 You know my thoughts. I think you did the right thing. It was a huge step to let go of the "what if" and go towards a fresh start. We're here for you x. 2
marky00 Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 I hear you, im about 40 days NC and from what I remember 40-50 days NC is the peak of the pain. Not surprised you relented at 51 days. I'm reaching a similar stage where I feel one last reach out may be in order. However, I think I will try to get to 3 months NC first since most people on here say 3 months is when you start improving. If at 3 months, I still feel as I do now, I'll reassess. Also, having broken NC the first time she broke it-off, you have to expect the very worst when you break NC. If you not prepared for the absolute worst, then no need to break it all. Like you need to be thinking they will hang up on you or say they are seeing someone else. With that mindset, you won't get hurt as much. 1
Thistooshallpass21 Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 OP, I am sure with what you have written that you in fact chose the right decision in not going. Attempting to win an ex over tends to lead to more pain for ones self. If it goes your way (very often it doesn't) it tends to be temporary. You have to let that person have their space and if they decide to come back to you, that is when you'll have the best shot at a long term commitment. Go back to no contact, keep focusing on yourself. You're going to have days of days of clarity and days of pain (trust me, I know how you are feeling. I am 8 months into break up and no contact), however, there is this amazing thing called time, it heals all. The right girl is around the corner facing her own highs and lows, whether it's a new girl or your ex, she is on her way. Cheers to healing and improving. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 Maybe view this as your closure. She is moving on, and perhaps you needed to hear that to really let go. It hurts, there's no doubt about it. But many of us here have been where you are now. And the good news is that many of us have also gone on to find even better partners and more happiness. Sometimes quickly, sometimes a few years after. But if you want a brighter future, it is there for you to move towards. 1
Satu Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 (edited) If you want to improve yourself for your own benefit, thats a great thing, but if you are trying to improve yourself to change somebodies perception of you, the benefit for you will be minimal. If you're working to raise yourself to your idea of your full potential as a human being, you're going to reap huge rewards. If you're working to gain somebodies approval, I'm not sure you're going to get any reward at all. So I think you made the right decision. Take care. Edited September 12, 2016 by Satu 3
Author books2 Posted September 12, 2016 Author Posted September 12, 2016 (edited) Hey all... Thanks so much for the replies! MG4514, your answer was gold to my ears... I totally agree with you! I will work on accepting that it was not as meaningful to her as it was to me... Veve, mawwwh! Nowty, the only thing there is to get is she blew me off to be with another guy... We had 51 days of NC and I broke it because I had NO information about what she was living now... Honestly, I was expecting her to work on herself has I have... But turned out she was just rebounding... So instead of jerking around furthermore I decided to just not see her and move on for myself... Marky, I wrote to you what I thought of your situation on your tread... I hope you'll start healing man... Thistooshallpass21, I also agree with you 100%... I was just really hoping that we would both have improved ourselves enough to make it work this time around... But I moved to an other chapter in regards to relationships... And she is still were she was (To be honest, I was feeling I was already a lot more advanced than her at the time of the break up)... So now, if I was to try and win her back, for sure, it would have still failed... I'm just so disappointed I will not get to try with her one last time. I hope to be able to focus on the next girl in a relatively short period of time... But right now, it's scary as all hell... See my comments bellow. ExpatInItaly, wise words my mate... Well said... It is some closure I needed to get me out of this mental NC jam... I definitely intend to jump to the next step from here on... Satu, In all honestly, I think the work I have done is entirely for myself... However, naturally, you start by focusing on your mistakes with your ex... and so as I began to fix my flaws intellectually, I started to wonder if me having done all this progress would actually allow us to have a functional relationship now... Provided she worked on herself too... That thought became all-consuming and eventually, that is all I would have in mind... I just needed to put out a loving hand and see what would have happened... Now I'll be back working on myself and just focusing on myself... I'm heartbroken, but looking forward to the next steps... ---------------- For everyone... It's really scary to think how much love someone could have for you at some moment in time and then looking at another moment and there is just nothing there!! For at least 2 years, this girl loved me beyond words... She would do the sweetest things for me and always let me know how much she loved me... I started to take it for granted... She started to withdraw and I could slowly feel her love fade in our last year together... The last 6 months were excruciating and I really tried to safe us, but she would not cooperate... Then eventually, she just broke that last bit of love towards me, broke it off, and just used the first opportunity to get with someone else... Meanwhile, I loved her as much the first minute I saw her as I did the last minute I saw her... Sure, there was other emotions clouding daily lives, but the fact is I loved her and I would tell her daily, but eventually she started to refuse seeing it... It's really hard to come and realize how much women can change their minds and hearts when it comes to love... I know I was not perfect, but I never believed she would loose all love for me the way she did... Lesson learned... When a girl gives you all her love, show your appreciation!!!! And never get into stupid childish mind games, communicate like an adult and keep being the man! I have cried all day, just thinking :''how could see loose all that love for me''... I never imagine she could do such a thing. She did, however, stay with me until she really could not anymore... and seeing I was loosing her, I became hurt and things just kept spiraling down until we hit the bottom. Now, I am staring into a big interrogation void in regards to my romantic future when once sit dreams of plans together with her... Dreams of buying a home and flipping it... Dreams of fun activities we would always do together... Dreams of an accepting and loving future... Now it's just a big void of mystery... It scares the crap out of me to stare into it... but nowhere to go expect for forward now. Thanks for the answers. Edited September 12, 2016 by books2 2
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