Need a female pov, what's the point in being standoffish to your ex?

[UNCHeels]

Long story short, dated 6 years. The relationship got the 7 year itch as they say. The puppy love and butterflies faded. I was happy, but it was her choice to date others. Due to my job, I often see my ex, atleast once a week. It's an elephant to the room deal. I've taken the high road and explained that there's no hard feelings. Still, my ex my is standoffish and creates an elephant in the room atmosphere every week that I see her.

[runup]

It's easier to be cold than show emotions to someone that knows you so well but you know is wrong for you. She probably loves you but didn't see it working out for one reason or another. A mixture of feelings like that makes it hard to keep your emotions in check. Her being cold is a defense mechanism and has nothing to do with you. Act like its no big deal, reacting to her would only push her further away.

[privategal]

If you can avoid seeing her that will be in your best interest.

Exes realize that for everyone's sake and moving on its best to avoid friendship or contact.

She would probably prefer not to see you so it can help you both move forward.

She sounds firm in her decision and was likely detached before you even knew it. She had been likely weighing it out and decided she wants her freedom.

She doesn't talk to you because she has nothing to say.

The dumpee often feels like you, wishing things were pleasant, wishing there could be pleasant discussion.

But the dumper isn't really hurting, they often feel relief and though they might feel bad hurting you, at the same time, they are confident in their decision and just want to move on.

I'd take the "cold shoulder" as a sign of respect that she doesn't want to string you along, she'd just like you to be ok and let her live. It's not exactly personal she's just done and no contact is best.

If you can avoid interaction definitely do that.

[UNCHeels]

It's easier to be cold than show emotions to someone that knows you so well but you know is wrong for you. She probably loves you but didn't see it working out for one reason or another. A mixture of feelings like that makes it hard to keep your emotions in check. Her being cold is a defense mechanism and has nothing to do with you. Act like its no big deal, reacting to her would only push her further away.

 

I work at a department store in the town mall, so I do see her weekly. Maybe I'm over thinking it, but rather than being cold wouldn't it be easier to go elsewhere? Why go bumping into your ex and be cold? She's been dating someone else for a few months now. I always take the high road and say hey to them first. I know most on here say go no contact, but IMO that creates drama at my work place. I'm I over think this or does she need attention? It's been 3 years since we've dated.

[CarrieT]

Do you need to engage every person, every day?

 

Just start looking at her as you would every other customer and stop expecting her to reciprocate your advance.

 

Her coldness is her defense mechanism for whatever reason. Accept it and move on. She doesn't need to acknowledge you every time she comes in and you don't need to acknowledge her.

[PegNosePete]

Maybe her new BF doesn't like her being chatty with her ex.

 

At this point it's all just speculation. There could be any one of a million reasons why she is acting like she is. There's really no benefit to try to analyse or guess the motivations for her behaviour, or to suggest what would be "easier" for her. All you can do is to respond to the way she is acting, in the best possible way. And at this point, that is probably to simply ignore her as much as possible, and where interaction is required for work, to treat her as you would any other work colleague.

[aloneinaz]

If you can avoid seeing her that will be in your best interest.

Exes realize that for everyone's sake and moving on its best to avoid friendship or contact.

She would probably prefer not to see you so it can help you both move forward.

She sounds firm in her decision and was likely detached before you even knew it. She had been likely weighing it out and decided she wants her freedom.

She doesn't talk to you because she has nothing to say.

The dumpee often feels like you, wishing things were pleasant, wishing there could be pleasant discussion.

But the dumper isn't really hurting, they often feel relief and though they might feel bad hurting you, at the same time, they are confident in their decision and just want to move on.

I'd take the "cold shoulder" as a sign of respect that she doesn't want to string you along, she'd just like you to be ok and let her live. It's not exactly personal she's just done and no contact is best.

If you can avoid interaction definitely do that.

 

This^^^

 

I think your focus should be not caring how she's coming across. People react and treat ex's various ways. It is certainly hard to transition from your lover and best friend to now a cold, indifferent stranger. The key is to not care and understand she's your past now and what she thinks and does is not your concern.

[UNCHeels]

Thanks for the responses. Sometimes myself and others need advice and opinions from others. Often times we over think and buildup the issue in our head. I wasn't sure if I created the elephant in the room by over thinking it or he she needed attention.

[BlueIris]

Long story short, dated 6 years. The relationship got the 7 year itch as they say. The puppy love and butterflies faded. I was happy, but it was her choice to date others. Due to my job, I often see my ex, atleast once a week. It's an elephant to the room deal. I've taken the high road and explained that there's no hard feelings. Still, my ex my is standoffish and creates an elephant in the room atmosphere every week that I see her.

 

Try not to let it get to you. You might be feeling an elephant and she's not. It sounds as though it ran its course and she's moving on.

 

Seven years is a long time to just date. Lots of people (not all) look to the future, want to make commitments and plans to build a future together. Had you two done that? It's not clear but it sounds like there was no engagement or plans together. I realize that some people don't want that, which is fine of course, but I don't know any of them.

[stillafool]

Thanks for the responses. Sometimes myself and others need advice and opinions from others. Often times we over think and buildup the issue in our head. I wasn't sure if I created the elephant in the room by over thinking it or he she needed attention.

 

No if she needed attention she would be seeking it from you which she is not. Does she speak back when you speak to her? If so, that's all you need. She or at least I wouldn't want to stand around holding a conversation with my ex; especially if I am involved with another man.

[elaine567]

Try not to let it get to you. You might be feeling an elephant and she's not. It sounds as though it ran its course and she's moving on.

 

Seven years is a long time to just date. Lots of people (not all) look to the future, want to make commitments and plans to build a future together. Had you two done that? It's not clear but it sounds like there was no engagement or plans together. I realize that some people don't want that, which is fine of course, but I don't know any of them.

 

That was my first thought too, woman in long term relationship of seven years and no commitment offers from the man, she feels she has no option but to leave, and now she is in no mood to even acknowledge his presence or talk to him. He messed her around for years, broke her heart and he is now dead to her.

I could be wrong though...

[UNCHeels]

No if she needed attention she would be seeking it from you which she is not. Does she speak back when you speak to her? If so, that's all you need. She or at least I wouldn't want to stand around holding a conversation with my ex; especially if I am involved with another man.

 

I don't expect a full conversation. It's "Hey" and that's it. Maybe I over thought it, but it seemed like it was a cat and mouse game to get my attention. Walk the entire store until seen.

[UNCHeels]

That was my first thought too, woman in long term relationship of seven years and no commitment offers from the man, she feels she has no option but to leave, and now she is in no mood to even acknowledge his presence or talk to him. He messed her around for years, broke her heart and he is now dead to her.

I could be wrong though...

 

IMO, We were too young for that. We dated in high school and college. Broke up in early 20s.

[BlueIris]

If I were you, I’d come at it from a different angle: maybe you were done too. Looking back, did you really want the relationship? Where did you want it to go? What did you want in 5 or 10 years? If you were ambivalent or didn’t want anything more than what it was, maybe you didn’t really want it and now you’re free to start a better one.

[BlueIris]

IMO, We were too young for that. We dated in high school and college. Broke up in early 20s.

 

Oh. That makes sense. People change a great deal during that age and their goals can diverge greatly. Some people think that’s too young and some do partner up and build a shared future with their college sweethearts.

[BC1980]

It's an awkward situation. People deal with it differently. You just have to deal with seeing her the way it works for you and not worry about how she is handling it. It's not an ideal situation. When I see my ex at work, I completely ignore him. If he tries to start a conversation, I'll give one word answers to let him know I'm not interested. That's my way of dealing with it, and is the best way I know how for me. He seems to deal with it by always wanting to talk to me and start conversations. So people just have different ways of dealing with it.

[privategal]

She's moved up and onto others things and is progressing on her life...are you?

Wouldn't it be cool if you got a new job and a fresh start outside that store?

Wouldn't a fresh start be so great where you don't have to run into her?

And kindly, let me say, each time you go out of your way to say hello this is actually more dramatic than looking busy and better yet actually being busy.

It's isn't impolite to not greet an ex, you don't need to make a production out of it, just begin to detach and stop even noticing. That's respect. Allowing it to fade and for her to now be in the background.

Time to refocus for you.

Do you have a next step, goals, have you added new hobbies, new routines, gotten healthier or made any new memories or changes that would make you proud?

Not for her, but for you but maybe it would be motivating to think how she would pop into your store thinking there would be the same ex, working in the same job....only nope...You'd be onto a new role, one where things are new, and your skills grow, and you can leave the past behind, meet new people and grow!!

Don't stay stagnant and do nothing, make cool changes! Change it up, new friends, new everything, then you will forget what you saw in her.

Edited September 12, 2016 by privategal

[privategal]

I don't expect a full conversation. It's "Hey" and that's it. Maybe I over thought it, but it seemed like it was a cat and mouse game to get my attention. Walk the entire store until seen.

 

Also do you really want to give someone who is playing games, who has no interest in you but will go out of their way to show up and not allow space for you to heal?

You shouldn't even want to greet her. She can shop anywhere, it's likely an eat your heart out, look what your missing even though I'm over you. It is attention seeking and immature. Especially if she can shop anywhere it's really disrespectful while you are healing to even come there with an a new boyfriend.

She likely says SEE he HAS to speak and go out of his way to talk. She probably spoons it like you stalk her and can't move on. She's no prize. This girl is a flat out JERK for showing up...trying to be seen, then being rude.

You dodged a bullet. I'd get a new job and she won't know where you work and she can play games with someone else. Being the bigger person only made you look needy and earned her continued disrespect. Do not even glance her way again. If she approaches...Quietly casually ignore, pick up the phone, walk to a coworker, go on lunch, ... that's respect to YOURSELF

Edited September 12, 2016 by privategal

[UNCHeels]

She's moved up and onto others things and is progressing on her life...are you?

Wouldn't it be cool if you got a new job and a fresh start outside that store?

Wouldn't a fresh start be so great where you don't have to run into her?

And kindly, let me say, each time you go out of your way to say hello this is actually more dramatic than looking busy and better yet actually being busy.

It's isn't impolite to not greet an ex, you don't need to make a production out of it, just begin to detach and stop even noticing. That's respect. Allowing it to fade and for her to now be in the background.

Time to refocus for you.

Do you have a next step, goals, have you added new hobbies, new routines, gotten healthier or made any new memories or changes that would make you proud?

Not for her, but for you but maybe it would be motivating to think how she would pop into your store thinking there would be the same ex, working in the same job....only nope...You'd be onto a new role, one where things are new, and your skills grow, and you can leave the past behind, meet new people and grow!!

Don't stay stagnant and do nothing, make cool changes! Change it up, new friends, new everything, then you will forget what you saw in her.

 

As far as job, yes... if something better came along then I would take it. However, I'm not gonna run from a good job just to avoid my ex.

[UNCHeels]

Also do you really want to give someone who is playing games, who has no interest in you but will go out of their way to show up and not allow space for you to heal?

You shouldn't even want to greet her. She can shop anywhere, it's likely an eat your heart out, look what your missing even though I'm over you. It is attention seeking and immature. Especially if she can shop anywhere it's really disrespectful while you are healing to even come there with an a new boyfriend.

She likely says SEE he HAS to speak and go out of his way to talk. She probably spoons it like you stalk her and can't move on. She's no prize. This girl is a flat out JERK for showing up...trying to be seen, then being rude.

You dodged a bullet. I'd get a new job and she won't know where you work and she can play games with someone else. Being the bigger person only made you look needy and earned her continued disrespect. Do not even glance her way again. If she approaches...Quietly casually ignore, pick up the phone, walk to a coworker, go on lunch, ... that's respect to YOURSELF

 

In general do women ever grow out of that stage of needing attention?

[PegNosePete]

In general do women ever grow out of that stage of needing attention?

That's like asking if men grow out of the video games stage. Some do, some don't. Both men and women are all individuals. There is no rule that can be universally applied to an entire half of the human race.

[privategal]

In general do women ever grow out of that stage of needing attention?

 

No one can predict whether in time someone will grow higher values and show more respect to others.

Also on getting a new job you missed my point.

The point wasn't to run from your ex but to better yourself and look to add fresh energy and new friends, experience, growth.

I just thought it would help your self esteem and give you a sense of pride that out of a bad situation, you used it to change things in your career for the better.

I just thought it would give you a new focus and help you feel like your progressing more, that's all.

[BlueIris]

In general do women ever grow out of that stage of needing attention?

 

That's very broad. I think that the vast majority of people need attention, social connection, caring, and that most expect it in a relationship.