How to proceed from clean slate? 5yrs relationship. I want her back.

[waitingforyou]

Hi guys, first post here..I will try to keep it short and concise.

 

 

Reason for break off: I could not satisfy her emotional needs, last straw happened when she fell ill and I could not be by her side due to work.

 

 

Ex-gf personality: Emotional, sensitive, likes to bottle up stuffs and put up a strong front.

 

 

-We hugged and lock lips for a good while before we parted. She wanted to stay friends, in which i replied "No".

 

-I went NC for 1 month to work on myself, I have reached the stage where "I want her back" instead of "I need her back".

 

-I initiated contact with her yesterday, after a few messages exchanged, I sent her a well prepared apology text. She accepted the apology and told me to continue improve and be a better man and hoped we can still be friends.

 

-The messages that followed after that were seemingly uninterested from her side and sometimes I get a one world reply in which I stopped replying back.

 

So guys, what should my next course of action be? I need to break down that barrier of hers in order for her to open up more. I need to reach the stage where she will accept a meet up over dinner or something.

 

Base on my experience with her, she will not initiate contact when we quarreled (but she will cry in her room), I am the one giving in to her during our relationship.

 

I know going NC again till she initiate contact with me is a good move since we have wiped the slate clean, but I also risk her not contacting me for god knows how long. I just want to know if there are any alternative ways I could go about instead of doing NC again.

 

Thanks.

[LD1990]

Your best course of action is accepting that the relationship is over and that she isn't coming back. NC isn't a tool to get your ex back, it's to help you heal and move on. She clearly doesn't want to get back together based on the conversation you had with her. You have to accept that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your best course of action is accepting that the relationship is over and that she isn't coming back. NC isn't a tool to get your ex back, it's to help you heal and move on. She clearly doesn't want to get back together based on the conversation you had with her. You have to accept that.

 

This.

 

OP, I don't think you're going to be able to convince her to meet. She doesn't sound interested in even talking to you at this point; meeting is a very unlikely prospect. No Contact might be a way to wipe the slate clean for you, but that doesn't necessarily mean the same will be true for her. We tend to remember the reasons we broke up with a person for a long time after doing so. This isn't your typical relationship argument where she might go and cry in her room - you're broken up. She'd done her grieving before pulling the plug so she's not in the same emotional place you are. It doesn't appear she wants you to try to break down any barriers; she's already decided it's over.

 

No Contact doesn't work that way, anyway. It's not a "get-your-ex-back" strategy. It's meant to help you detach and move on.

 

If a reconciliation happens in the future, it won't be because you've planned for it. It will be initiated by her, and it will be because she's time and space away from you and realized she wants you in her life. The bottom line is that the best thing you can do now is start accepting the break-up and take time to heal. Get involved in turning the page in your life, and that way, whatever may or may not happen with her, you're in a better place for it.

[waitingforyou]

Brilliant replies guys..

 

Deep down I too know that the relationship is over.. I just felt that the relationship is really worth giving a second shot.

 

But now I am convinced when she is ready she will return and I should be giving her the time and space away from me.

 

My door will remain open for her for now if she choose to initiate contact again.

 

Meanwhile I will be building back up my fitness. Thoughts of reconciliation in the future actually motivates me to do lots of new things though the chances are slim..you know, just turning negative energy into positive ones..

[waitingforyou]

abit of update..

 

I talked with my friend and he told me not to give up so easily since I am already in the stage of "Wanting" instead of "Needing".

 

So I initiated contact again and the response was decent.

 

My friend told me to treat this as a game and not to be emotionally invested (I have already gotten over that stage). As me and my ex are already in friend status, I have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

 

My ultimate goal is still to get her to meet me over dinner someday..

 

This might be a wrong move but I am taking the chances..

 

Will update if anything happens again

[runup]

You still have something to lose. Maybe it won't really effect you that much but if she was to say she doesn't ever want to get back together with you, would that be tough for you? A lot of times we persuade ourselves we are over something when in reality we're still in limbo. It's not a flaw in your character, it's just how we subconsciously choose to deal with tough situations that in reality require a lot of time. There are those rare few who are actually over their ex in a short span and you may be one; however, I'd really like to emphasize your desire to self reflect. There are definitely stages in a recovery (especially the stage of acceptance) but we need to understand that each stage leads us closer to our goal. You talking to her may hinder that goal.

 

She broke up with you. For whatever reasons she has, she didn't see a future with you. Unless she is playing games of course... In which case you should stay away. But think about it, if she truly realized her mistake and WANTED to be with you, she would do the work. Girls love to chase after people they see potential with. If she's not doing that, she either needs more time to reflect or she is really just done with you. Don't pursue her because while you may "get her back" it is likely that the same thing would occur since you were the one trying. When you feel invested in something, its hard to move on. She's not invested if you do the work to repair the relationship. Let her do the work, you will know your answer and be in a better situation regardless of her actions.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to be a heck of a lot more honest with yourself.

 

You're not invested? Then why a thread about wanting her back? Of course you're invested. If you were okay just being her friend, you wouldn't be here.

 

I point out the obvious because you're at risk of getting very hurt again. Ask yourself this: Let's say you and your ex continue to communicate as friends. Then she reveals she has met someone and is interested in pursuing a relationship with him. How much of a friend are you going to be able to be then?

[whatnot]

Your screen name says it all bud. I did what you're doing for 6 years. Maybe she'll change for you. Mine never did.

 

Good luck with your plans.

 

(Oh, and btw....for all intents and purposes...the two of you are in a relationship now. No waiting required. You're there. The question is..."Will she change?")

 

If she does, it won't be because of anything you did or did not do. That's the rub.

 

good luck

[waitingforyou]

I am not okay with being her friend, I want her back, that's why I am here. Being friend with her in my case is just the first step to getting her back, it opens back all form of communications. Note that loss of attraction is not the reason we broke up.

 

I am at risk of being hurt again I know, but I've already wired myself to prepare for the worst. I am going to fight for my happiness once more, just one last time, leave no stones unturned before calling it quits.

 

Anyway the conversation went great for today, she actually initiated a private message on facebook to show me some stuffs and it seems like she is not as cold as before.

 

Still the same goal for now.. working towards a dinner meet-up.

 

Will update if anything interesting happens again.

[LD1990]

Being friends with her isn't the first step in getting her back. Whether you dated her before or not, it's the friend zone, the place where hopes and dreams go to die. You never want a girl you're attracted to seeing you as a friend.

 

You're wasting your time on this plan. It'd be best to just move on, but if you're so intent on getting back together, it makes far more sense to just take your shot now. I never understood guys who come up with these elaborate plans to get an ex back and end up spending weeks or months of their life on some million-to-one chance of reconciliation.

 

Just ask her out now. The odds are against you, but the odds will be against you in the future, too. Never in the history of Earth has a girl said "I wasn't going to go out with him, but then he was just such a great friend that I couldn't resist."