Not Willing To Give Up On Ex, But I Think I Messed Up

[JK2623]

Hey everyone, first post on here.

 

My ex and I have been broken up three months. We had what appeared to be a perfect, loving relationship. We were the couple all of our friends envied. And the out of nowhere, it fell apart.

 

My ex had been depressed for a week or so; the anniversary of her father's death was approaching, as was father's day, and it was her first year without him. She had had a rough childhood, and so had major abandonment issues. She was always convinced I'd leave, or that something would happen to me. Anyway, I tried to reassure her I wasn't. I feel like once I started reciprocating her feelings of what was probably near obsession, she got cold feet; to quote her, it was " too much, too soon," although she initiated it. She just lost attraction to me and ended it fairly quickly. She was very independent, and I think got afraid of getting any more connected to me.

 

We hooked up a week after the breakup, and, although she claimed to have loved me, she said she just couldn't do a relationship— she had too much going on in her life, and she didn't think I'd make it through her struggles with her. Although she wanted us to remain friends— I was "irreplaceable" she said— I went no contact for 40 days.

 

Over this time, I began working out religiously, bought new clothes, got a new haircut, met new friends, picked up some new hobbies, etc. Everything you're supposed to do, I did. But I couldn't get over her. I didn't care about being single, and I didn't even want a new relationship— unless it was with her. I determined I didn't want her back because I was lonely, but because I did truly love her more than anyone else in the world.

 

I began texting her once or twice a week starting August 1st. She was pleasant, but everything was overly formal. We saw each other a few times after the texting started amongst mutual friends, but she was cold in person. I stopped texting her, because I felt like it wasn't getting me anywhere, September 3rd. I figured I'd just talk to her when I'd see her— as we're juniors at the same local university, pretty often.

 

She was awkward at first once the semester started. Would talk to me if I spoke to her, but wouldn't engage in conversation. Wouldn't speak to mutual friends if they were sitting with me. She claims she was cool with me and was normal, but I thought she was acting childish and was purposefully avoiding me.

 

Anyway, Thursday night, I went to a concert, then a frat party afterwards. She was there, and asked mutual friends if they could convince me to drive home drunk (she didn't think I was drunk; she thought I was faking it because I rarely drank during our relationship, but after the breakup, I began partying a lot, so no it wasn't fake). Anyway, she began making out with a fraternity brother right in front of me and my friends, the dude was a total joke compared to me, I was livid. She and the guy left the house, and my friends took me back to a dorm room. My best friend actually walked his ex home and found my ex with the guy at his ex's house; they were just talking, but were planning on ubering back to frat dude's house. My best friend kicked the dude out and made my ex cancel the uber.

 

Anyway, I was drunk and tweeted "you're better than that." My ex called, but seemed cool. Apparently, she wanted to freak on me for that subtweet, but didn't want me to think she was mean. So instead she just put me on speaker and I had an hour long convo with her and a friend about random ****.

 

Next day, my ex, though, calls me out in a group chat for the subtweet. I texted her back outside the group, and apologized. I told her being drunk was no excuse, and that I was so embarrassed. She appreciated that, but then freaked out on me for "pretending to be drunk" and telling me how fake I was. I told her that actually hurt me deeply that she thought so lowly of me now. I told her she had barely spoken to me for months, was avoiding me (she denied this), and that I was the same guy I'd always been, I just go out and party more. She said that was great, but she had changed so much over the summer, and felt like our relationship was forever ago.

 

This then transitioned into a deeper talk about the relationship. She said she was just very independent, and cared for me so much, then just didn't anymore. I think she just got cold feet, as I stated above. She also seemed to care and miss me deeply for at least a few weeks afterwards, so either she's being dishonest, or she's just convinced herself of a false version of events. She said she didn't know if she loved me, or had romanticized me (I think she loved me, but just doesn't want to say it anymore; to think she didn't love me makes it easier on her). She said she just wanted all the drama to stop, that she respected me, but that I had been annoying the previous day and that she understood we had to deal with each other, but she didn't want me to get in her way. I said I didn't want to limit her or prevent her from living her life; I apologized for moving too quick in our relationship, if she felt smothered, and that it was a shame I messed up the great thing we had going; and I told her I still loved and cared for her deeply. She seemed to get sad, saying she had changed so much, and didn't quite know who she was anymore; she was just gonna go with the flow, and didn't know if she'd ever love anyone forever other than herself because people always leave. I told her not to be afraid of committing to someone because being afraid of love because someone might leave is like being afraid of living because you die at the end. I told her I hoped she found someone who loved her as much as I did— if anyone else could love her that much— and that she felt the same way about him.

 

All she said was that it was a lot for her to process, but she wasn't ignoring me (implying I'd get a response); she never replied after that, but I thanked her for listening because a lot of people wouldn't have.

 

I was crushed; I felt like she pitied me, but didn't care at all— it seemed like she was truly over me, and I had ruined any progress I might've made in making her look at me as a different person, by spilling some of my honest thoughts and feelings. It was the lowest I'd been since the moment of the breakup.

 

The only hope I'm clinging to is that her friend said to my best friend, "man, I really wish [my ex] had banged [the frat bro mentioned above] because she really needs to get over [me]." When my best friend asked for her to elaborate, her friend just said that she had said too much already. So I'm hoping my ex still feels something, and was just being dishonest to me.

 

I don't know how to proceed. I don't plan on texting her, and I plan on acting normal with her, when I see her at school. I feel so stupid, but I can't do anything about it now. Her birthday is coming up in a week and a half; I was gonna give her some gifts I had bought her during the relationship, but never got the chance to give her (I was going to give them to her the day after we broke up because we were supposed to go on a fancy date. They're inexpensive things, a book and an old, stupid straight to DVD movie, but they would resonate emotionally with her, as they were things to do with some of her few happy childhood memories), but I can't give those to her now. I don't even know if I should text her happy birthday.

 

I was thinking of inviting her to a party I'm hosting in a few weeks. There'll be plenty of attractive women there, and maybe I can flirt with them in front of her; make her jealous, and appear less needy, but Idk. I just feel like I messed up, and I don't know what to do anymore. Sorry for the length of the post, guys. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

[DarrenB]

Whatever you do, DO NOT invite your own ex who you claim to love and miss so greatly, to a party you're hosting just to make her jealous. The common sense in which this proclaims... is that that would not go down well at all, and would eradicate any chance of reconciliation or any hope you're trying to get. If you're seeking closure, simply use a different approach. Don't include situations where you are still hurting her when you're not together and could potentially hurt you in the process down the line. It's just simply not the right thing to do or handle anything.

 

Now that's out the way, what do you plan? do you want something new? are you clinging onto your ex but unsure of the next approach? ask yourself some obvious questions and try and understand your own answers and yourself. You've gone through NC, done things you've wanted to do, explored abit. So what's your thoughts on everything at the minute?

 

As for the birthday messages... can't stress enough and a lot of people have said this. A birthday is just a milestone for them, unless you have no intention to win her back or she feels the same, do not even bother including a text, gifts or anything. It's what I believe the veterans of LS call, 'breadcrumbs'.

 

You need to ask yourself, what went wrong and what went right. Balance out the positives to the negatives. The worst thing people do during breakups is neglecting all the positive memories they shared and focus on the negatives. This does not better yourself. It seems as if you both need to have a proper and in-depth talk with each other. No, I'm not talking just about re-kindling your love for each other, or how was your day. Go through the entire process from day 1 to now. Or, maybe you both just need some time to explore? more so yourself as you seem to still have all these thoughts and conclusions in your mind.

 

It sounds like nothing malicious had happened, therefore if you feel there is still some sort of love and balance there, it is worth your and her time evidently. It's all based around time really. Time for you to realise entirely what you want in life and from loving someone, and time for her to build herself back up to a stable level and understand what she wants from life and on a loving level.

 

Take it slow, think about pure progression. Good luck! I'm sure things will work out one way or another

[JK2623]

Thank you DarrenB for the kind words and the advice. I want a new relationship with my ex. The old one is dead and gone, and that's okay. It was great, and we were happy, but clearly there were problems there that she didn't communicate. I think she was just obsessed with me, but once I began to also talk about a future with her, she got cold feet. She, being as independent as she is, was too afraid of getting any more attached to me, even if she did care.

 

I tried to have a serious talk with her the other day when she got mad at me, but she said there was nothing to talk about (this is something she says all the time; even when there's clearly stuff to talk about, she always says she has nothing to say because she hates opening up).

 

I'm only afraid of not sending a birthday message because we're in a group chat with all of our friends. They'll all wish her a happy birthday. I don't want to be accused of being "childish" for not wishing her a happy birthday, you know?

 

I've concentrated much more on what went right— and that's why I want her back. I feel like she's been focusing more on what went wrong. I don't really fully understand what went wrong. We rarely fought, and loved each other's company. We were the couple everyone envied. Even my best friend— who since his breakup two years ago, has sworn off long term relationships, and is truly much happier single than he ever was in a relationship— said that he'd give anything to be in a relationship like the one my ex and I had. I just don't know if she'll ever focus on the positives, seeing as it's been three months, and time doesn't seem to have done me any favors with her memory.

 

But again, if everything she said to me is true, then wouldn't she be over me? And that contradicts what she apparently said to her friend.

 

I've done a lot of introspection since the breakup, and I feel like I've figured out a lot of what I want from life and a relationship. She, on the other hand, doesn't seem like she has anything figured out.

[LD1990]

It's time to let the false hope go and move on with your life. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but she has made it clear that the relationship is over and she isn't coming back. It's tough, but it's better to accept the pain now than to hold onto a fantasy that keeps you from really moving on.