Can you catch feelings if you're not physically attracted to someone?

[Kkristine]

So, in an attempt to move on from a previous relationship, I started to date again. My friend hooked me up with someone from her church. We texted for a few days before meeting, and it made me feel really good. We had so much in common.

 

Bad mistake.

 

After meeting him, I realized that I wasn't physically attracted to him at all. However, he was incredibly nice and we agreed on pretty much everything. In the end, I just wasn't feeling it. So, I told him.

 

Since then, he has reached out to me telling me that he would like to keep in contact just as friends because he thinks I'm a really good person. He also reached out to my friend (after the failed date) and thanked her. I found that weird.

 

I've been 100% against it, but this weekend I started to have doubts. Maybe I need him as a friend as well? I'm sure it's just the loneliness talking and my last single friend entering a new relationship. I just don't want to lead anyone on.

 

What should I do? Another chance? Or just keep him as a texting buddy?

[Satu]

I think he might be good friend material, but not bf material.

 

That physical attraction needs to be there.

 

I don't think you can wish it into being.

 

Let him be your friend if you both want that.

 

 

Take care.

[JewelD]

I would do neither. You didn't meet each other because you wanted a friend. It could have ended up that way if you had both mutually agreed you weren't hot for each other, but it sounds like you ended it and he'll just take whatever he can get. He might be a good friend, he might just want to keep you in the loop so he can keep trying.

 

If you really just want a friend, I think there are better ways to meet some than a mismatched date who might still be attracted to you.

[leogirl876]

I would do neither. You didn't meet each other because you wanted a friend. It could have ended up that way if you had both mutually agreed you weren't hot for each other, but it sounds like you ended it and he'll just take whatever he can get. He might be a good friend, he might just want to keep you in the loop so he can keep trying.

 

If you really just want a friend, I think there are better ways to meet some than a mismatched date who might still be attracted to you.

 

I agree! Seriously, how bad do you need a new friend? If you're like me, I've got plenty of friends that are female. I don't think men and women can be friends unless the man is gay because usually when a man is friends with a woman, he's friends with her because that's all he can get but is hoping eventually she'll change her mind and sleep with him. It took me many years to learn this. And maybe it would be different if you guys worked together or something and were already friends for a long time, but you just met, so I don't see a need.

[Dork Vader]

Here is my experience with these types of situations.

 

If you do go into relationship and can not find physical attraction to him. Then the relationship will suffer. You will always sort of be one foot in and one foot out. The moment that something attractive and nice comes your way, you're going to be questioning the entire relationship and/or cheating.

 

Things like..

 

Waking up next to them and thinking wow I'm lucky he/she is beautiful won't happen.

 

Can you become physically attracted to him? Yes it is possible something will change, but it is unlikely. It typically takes them getting into shape and/or some type of change on your end so that you are physically attracted.

 

I think the best move is for you to continue a platonic friendship with him. Why not? If you both go to church together and have common interest? So long as he can respect the blundaries of friendship and you can maintain those boundaries then you have potential for. Great friendship!

[carhill]

If physical attraction is immediate in all past relationships and no other method speaks to your style in a positive way, go with that and move on.

 

If other, reassess as appropriate.

[Dork Vader]

I agree! Seriously, how bad do you need a new friend? If you're like me, I've got plenty of friends that are female. I don't think men and women can be friends unless the man is gay because usually when a man is friends with a woman, he's friends with her because that's all he can get but is hoping eventually she'll change her mind and sleep with him. It took me many years to learn this. And maybe it would be different if you guys worked together or something and were already friends for a long time, but you just met, so I don't see a need.

 

This is not true, I have quite a few female friends. Some I met from tinder and we hang out regularly. We don't get physical or cross emotional boundaries. I have no desire to be more with them. I was not attracted to them, there was no chemistry or in real life we were different people.

 

I do not maintain friendships with many men. I've had to many male

Friends sleep with my girl friends or worse. I also just have more fun with women. I'm far from gay.

[Kkristine]

I agree! Seriously, how bad do you need a new friend? If you're like me, I've got plenty of friends that are female. I don't think men and women can be friends unless the man is gay because usually when a man is friends with a woman, he's friends with her because that's all he can get but is hoping eventually she'll change her mind and sleep with him. It took me many years to learn this. And maybe it would be different if you guys worked together or something and were already friends for a long time, but you just met, so I don't see a need.

 

That's my problem, though. All of my friends are in serious relationships.

 

Having a "guy friend" is appealing to me. But, I also agree in that most men can't just be friends with a woman w/o wanting more in some way. Not all, but most.

[carhill]

Here's the corollary: Would you be friends with a guy you were attracted to who had no romantic interest in you and watch him kiss and cuddle with other women and know he's having passionate sex with them while giving you the 'hey bro' high fives?

 

I've yet to meet a woman like that. If they like and it isn't returned demonstrably and fairly immediately, erased. I've dawdled a number of times, mainly due to my attraction for someone being more of a slow burn, and been erased, that's how I know

[Blue31]

I'm maybe in the minority here and it's probably because I'm just weird or screwed up, but as a guy throughout the years I've grown to become attracted to some that I never would have considered in the first place based upon just their appearance.

 

There's a few off the top of my head, that after a while of getting to know them and hanging out with them I look back at it and I'm like damn I really like her. I guess it just depends on how shallow you are, or if you lower your standards. My standards have always been pretty high but I'll be the first to admit as I get older I missed out on some opportunities with some that really would have been great girlfriends, potential wife, etc.

[piranha]

Here is my experience with these types of situations.

 

If you do go into relationship and can not find physical attraction to him. Then the relationship will suffer. You will always sort of be one foot in and one foot out. The moment that something attractive and nice comes your way, you're going to be questioning the entire relationship and/or cheating.

 

Things like..

 

Waking up next to them and thinking wow I'm lucky he/she is beautiful won't happen.

 

Yes yes and ALL THE YES. This happened to me and an ex of mine... I didn't find him physically attractive but dated him because he had tons of amazing qualities... and ended up leaving him to date someone who had tons of amazing qualities AND who I found physically attractive.

 

Did I feel bad? Yes. But I was hurting my ex by avoiding sleeping with him.

 

What I'm saying is, DON'T SETTLE. You will find guys who are the complete package (to you)! And they'll like you back just as much! It will be an equal partnership and you'll live happily ever after.

 

Don't ever do anything out of loneliness. It never fills the void the way you expect it to. Be his friend if you like, but if you suspect he's sticking around in hopes of changing your mind, be kind and gradually spend less and less time with him so he can focus his attentions on something more fruitful.

Edited September 11, 2016 by piranha

[Satu]

I did have a relationship with someone who I didn't feel much attraction for.

 

I allowed it to become physical, because I didn't want to hurt their feelings.

 

That was big mistake, and ultimately caused the very hurt I was trying to avoid.

 

It was big and unpleasant learning experience for me.

 

It isn't only bad people who hurt others...

[leogirl876]

This is not true, I have quite a few female friends. Some I met from tinder and we hang out regularly. We don't get physical or cross emotional boundaries. I have no desire to be more with them. I was not attracted to them, there was no chemistry or in real life we were different people.

 

I do not maintain friendships with many men. I've had to many male

Friends sleep with my girl friends or worse. I also just have more fun with women. I'm far from gay.

 

Whatever, then you're the exception to the rule, not the rule. In a very general sense, it doesn't work and you know that! And personally, I think it's weird that a guy has more female friends than guy friends, that would be a red flag to me if I met you and wanted to date you. Just sayin'

[Shanex]

Sadly, if you aren't physically attracted to him, you are only going to hurt him in the long run and you will have regrets.

 

See him as a friend, if he 'accept' being put in your friend zone.

[Dork Vader]

That's my problem, though. All of my friends are in serious relationships.

 

Having a "guy friend" is appealing to me. But, I also agree in that most men can't just be friends with a woman w/o wanting more in some way. Not all, but most.

 

Making a judgement of him and other men, because you THINK "most males are not capable of platonic friendship" is not fair to men. That's like saying most men are cheaters, just want sex or what ever just hecause that's been your experience. It's not true and not fair to other men. That kind of thinking should make you assess why you are attracted to men who just want those things.

[Kkristine]

Whatever, then you're the exception to the rule, not the rule. In a very general sense, it doesn't work and you know that! And personally, I think it's weird that a guy has more female friends than guy friends, that would be a red flag to me if I met you and wanted to date you. Just sayin'

 

Sorry to change the subject, but I have to agree. Only from personal experience, I guess. My ex was like this, which I found odd. Look how that ended...

[Kkristine]

Yes yes and ALL THE YES. This happened to me and an ex of mine... I didn't find him physically attractive but dated him because he had tons of amazing qualities... and ended up leaving him to date someone who had tons of amazing qualities AND who I found physically attractive.

 

Did I feel bad? Yes. But I was hurting my ex by avoiding sleeping with him.

 

What I'm saying is, DON'T SETTLE. You will find guys who are the complete package (to you)! And they'll like you back just as much! It will be an equal partnership and you'll live happily ever after.

 

Don't ever do anything out of loneliness. It never fills the void the way you expect it to. Be his friend if you like, but if you suspect he's sticking around in hopes of changing your mind, be kind and gradually spend less and less time with him so he can focus his attentions on something more fruitful.

 

Thank you! I think that's what it is all stemming from. Loneliness. I will stay clear

[Satu]

Thank you! I think that's what it is all stemming from. Loneliness. I will stay clear

 

The permanent cure for loneliness is to connect with people in a heart-centred way, rather than looking for just one person to love.

 

Treat everyone tenderly. Give everyone some love.

 

If you anchor yourself solidly into that heart space, you'll definitely find a partner.

 

 

Take care.

[Dis]

The permanent cure for loneliness is to connect with people in a heart-centred way, rather than looking for just one person to love.

 

Treat everyone tenderly. Give everyone some love.

 

If you anchor yourself solidly into that heart space, you'll definitely find a partner.

 

 

Take care.

 

Thats beautiful Satu I just took a screenshot of your reply I'll refer back to it for sure....very wise

 

OP, I wouldnt keep him as a friend or date him....its not fair to him to keep him in your life when he probably wants more from you...he's most likely hurt too....and if the physical attraction wasnt even remotely there...it wont ever be

 

Find another way to ease your loneliness...follow Satu's advice

[juniorrocha]

Well, something similar happened to me 5 years ago, when I was first starting to go out on dates. Met a girl once, we had lots in common, but she didn't think I was attractive. She wasn't my type, but I was interested in her. We ended up becoming friends though and I was fine with that. Eventually we'd hang out together and 5 years later we still talk. She still atracts me, I've changed a lot and she often says I'm looking better and better with time, but nothing ever happened between us. I surely wouldn't refuse though, but I don't have and never had any feelings. There are other girls who I've been with just once, even had sex with, and nowadays we're just friends.

 

Personally, if I meet someone who I share interests and I always have a great time with them, I don't see any problem on being their friend. However, it has to be mutual. Should you want to be his friend, make it sure to him that that's all you're going to be. If he's not okay with that, then it's better if you two go separate ways.

[Leigh 87]

I have become physically attracted and very much into my long term ex. I was not attracted and then after 3 or 4 dates I was.

 

It happened again twice; I was not into them at first, but by date 2 something just clicked! I couldn't get enough of them after that point.

 

It RARELY happens to me though. I prefer the fireworks and instant chemistry. Which I get often enough at least once a year when single. Usually twice.

[jen1447]

Can you catch feelings if you're not physically attracted to someone?

 

Physical attraction can certainly grow, so being unattracted to him now doesn't mean you won't be later, particularly if you catch feels - that's a lot of what makes ppl attractive to us in the first place. If you don't catch feels, he'll likely stay unattractive, and vice versa.

 

Only really hot ppl steamroll the feels into their physical beauty automatically, and that can end up being vacant if you find out they're shallow after getting to know them.

[Jejangles]

I think you can go from lukewarm / unsure to attracted. I think it's less likely to go from turned off / repulsed to attracted.

 

It took me about 3 or 4 dates with my current boyfriend before I knew I was attracted. I thought he was cute when I first met him, but didn't feel any particular romantic feelings. But I got to know him, realised we had a lot in common and attraction grew. Now we're in love, have a great physical relationship and when I look at him I think he's super handsome!

 

It took me a long time to realise that I may not recognise a great guy right away. And that initial attraction is a poor measure of quality for me - in the past, I was immediately attracted to guys who were a terrible match.