No luck finding a boyfriend

[CoffeeChick]

Great starting point. I'm a big fan of self-improvement. What I like about self-improvement is that if you improve one thing, say getting your body into shape, it also improves other aspects of your life, like your achievements at work. Getting your body into shape will result in more confidence and you will take that confidence with you wherever you go. Somehow it all enhances the benefits.

 

About the rest, I don't have solid advice for the lonely feeling. I totally get what you mean. I seem to wake up with that feeling on some of the days in the week. It disappears as the day progresses. And I'm also stuck in the routine of putting myself out there, getting disappointed, brushing myself off and getting back at it again. I take breaks in between and learn some new things about myself that I later use when I start dating again. But I always have another go. Don't get discouraged. In every rejection or failure is a lesson to be learned.

 

You must learn to not base your value on whether you are in a relationship or not. Now I know this is the most common advice, and even I don't really grasp it almost 1,5 year after my first real break-up, but you'll make progress. Think of it this way: if you base your value on having a relationship or not, you are needy. You take that needy behavior into your dating life. Therefore you will scare away confident men and will attract men who are playing games or, even worse, men who are more needy than you.

 

Another thing that might come in handy is the importancy of demographics. Although this concept is found in the book Models and is directed at men, I think it's useful for women as well. It's a theory that states that if you have a hard time connecting to people, you are propably connecting with the wrong people. Let's take myself as an example. I like history and writing but decide to go to clubs every weekend hoping to find my dreamgirl. I approach several women who look good but are drunk and shallow. They don't have my intellectual sense of humor and I can't converse with them. There's no connection. And the only history they know is the history of men they slept with. I feel awkward. I used to think this was all me as I was watching my friends connecting with the same girl. But it wasn't me, we just were not compatible. I don't want to turn into a casanova who can get any girl he wants, I just want to connect with a girl that will enhance my life.

 

So if I choose to change the demographics of my search, my results will improve. Let's say I go to a museum or art gallery instead. My bet is that one conversation with someone there is more meaningful than 10 at the club. Just because we are at that place means we alreay have something in common and my stories and experiences will probably make more sense to her than the drunk bargirl. Connecting with people who have something in common with you is a lot easier.

 

Get in touch with yourself, write down things you've always wanted to do. After that think about the kind of man you want to be with. What are his qualities? What are his hobbys? When you are done, add it all up and start thinking about where you could meet this kind of guys. Dating is an elimination process, and you are good at eliminating options. So you have that going for you. But instead of getting disappointed when someone's not 'it', be happy you are one step closer to finding your guy.

 

I like the idea of the writing down stuff to help see what I want. I'm afraid I'm one of those romantic people who always used to imagine meet cute scenarios and thinking "is this guy the one?". Now I'm just a bit burnt out and lost as to what I actually want.

Connecting with people over a common interest sounds a good idea, never had much luck in clubs for sure, well apart from the usual drunken kisses haha.

[CoffeeChick]

There's nothing wrong with screening guys. In fact, it's to be expected. That's the whole point of dating. It's an ongoing process to evaluate your date, see if you want the same things, are compatible, and enjoy the same things.

 

There's bound to be a bad apple in the mix, so screening is crucial. To assume that all apples must be terrible, however, just because one had a worm once, does you and your new dates a disservice.

 

Work through your baggage from that bad experience BEFORE you attempt to date. Otherwise, it will be an exercise in sabotage and futility as you're discovering.

 

 

What are your current hobbies and interests?

 

I like doing Zumba and pole dancing, but it's mostly girls only. I like reading, baking and cooking, was learning Swedish and Norwegian online for a while. I'm not particularly sporty but I've wondered about trying skiing. Otherwise I enjoy spontaneous day trips at the weekends with family or friends and relaxing over coffee and wine and a movie.

[NVO]

I like the idea of the writing down stuff to help see what I want. I'm afraid I'm one of those romantic people who always used to imagine meet cute scenarios and thinking "is this guy the one?". Now I'm just a bit burnt out and lost as to what I actually want.

Connecting with people over a common interest sounds a good idea, never had much luck in clubs for sure, well apart from the usual drunken kisses haha.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's ok to feel down every now and then, when things are not going your way. Sometimes I feel great and happy for days on end. And the following day I somehow wake up with a kind of empty feeling inside me. Guess just how things work. But never, ever, rely on someone else to feel that void. Sometimes we might idealize having a relationship, thinking it will make us feel more whole.

 

Also, aren't the drunken kisses very dangerous in Scotland? I read somewhere that Scottish people have some of the worst teeth around the world haha.

Edited September 12, 2016 by NVO

[CoffeeChick]

Don't be too hard on yourself. It's ok to feel down every now and then, when things are not going your way. Sometimes I feel great and happy for days on end. And the following day I somehow wake up with a kind of empty feeling inside me. Guess just how things work. But never, ever, rely on someone else to feel that void. Sometimes we might idealize having a relationship, thinking it will make us feel more whole.

 

Also, aren't the drunken kisses very dangerous in Scotland? I read somewhere that Scottish people have some of the worst teeth around the world haha.

 

Probably some do, but I certainly don't and most have nice teeth. I think that's an old fashioned belief Americans have haha.

 

Aside from that you're right, it's wrong to rely on someone else to fill a void. I just seem to be getting worse at meeting and becoming close to others. I've also been through the usual, I'm interested, they're not dynamic.

[Kamille]

I think it's not that I don't want it, but after being alone for a long time, it's scary. Plus I'm terrible at first dates and look for anything that is wrong with them and any reason not to trust them. I've had a bad experience in the past when I attempted to trust someone so it possibly put me off. So I know I need to change my behaviour in that respect.

 

 

What makes you think you're terrible at first dates? How do you think you could improve your first dates?

 

I understand that it's challenging to give first dates a fair chance. What kinds of things fo you find yourself judging your dates on? I think some things are real deal breakers, some things are a matter of compatibility and some things are probably minor in the grand scheme of things.

[CoffeeChick]

What makes you think you're terrible at first dates? How do you think you could improve your first dates?

 

I understand that it's challenging to give first dates a fair chance. What kinds of things fo you find yourself judging your dates on? I think some things are real deal breakers, some things are a matter of compatibility and some things are probably minor in the grand scheme of things.

 

I'm terrible because I can't relax and be myself, and come off as cold and uninterested when I'm just wracked with nerves.

How I judge them? I just look for anything that is wrong in their looks, what they're saying, if they're too jokey or too serious. I'm nothing like that on a daily basis and do have male friends. But when it comes to a date, I turn into this freaking ice queen who doesn't let any guy get close to her. I don't know what's wrong with me :'( it's like a protective mechanism.

[angel.eyes]

Too jokey? Too serious? So, rather than focusing on real deal breakers, you're nitpicking on things that are probably just nerves on his part and that truly don't matter in the grand scheme of a healthy relationship.

 

As you said, this may be a way for you to keep guys at bay. Yes, you're lonely. Yes, you understand that society expects us to couple up. But deep down, at some level you don't want this and are self-sabotaging. It might be worth addressing with a therapist, if you indeed want to break the cycle.

[CoffeeChick]

Too jokey? Too serious? So, rather than focusing on real deal breakers, you're nitpicking on things that are probably just nerves on his part and that truly don't matter in the grand scheme of a healthy relationship.

 

As you said, this may be a way for you to keep guys at bay. Yes, you're lonely. Yes, you understand that society expects us to couple up. But deep down, at some level you don't want this and are self-sabotaging. It might be worth addressing with a therapist, if you indeed want to break the cycle.

 

Yes of course I don't really want to date, and it's not to do with wanting to rebel against society's expectations. I can't afford a therapist so it'll have to be some good old soul searching. I've been taken advantage and made fun of in the past, so maybe on some level I'm still angry and mistrusting of anyone who tries to get close.

[Nowty V]

Have read a book 'Quiet' by Susan Cain?

 

I can recommend it.

 

May save you a whole heap on therapists.

[Satu]

Yes of course I don't really want to date, and it's not to do with wanting to rebel against society's expectations. I can't afford a therapist so it'll have to be some good old soul searching. I've been taken advantage and made fun of in the past, so maybe on some level I'm still angry and mistrusting of anyone who tries to get close.

 

If you can't afford therapy you could get into journaling.

 

I've derived a lot of benefit from it.

 

Its better than therapy in some ways.

[CoffeeChick]

I now seem to have invited a bit of controversy in my morals by almost having sex with a good friend who had recently broke up with his girlfriend. We had no protection so just got each other off in bed. He instigated it and I knew deep down what was happening but didn't stop it. He was lonely, I was lonely. He told me he couldn't guarantee a relationship and didn't want to lead me on. While all I could think was "why does he assume it's me who will want one?" I know what it means to be head over heels attracted to someone but I don't feel that with him, it's very moderate but enough to want to sleep with him. I was fed up of abstaining whilst looking for "the one", so told him and another guy I might date that I wanted to have fun and if it happens it happens. And to get back into bedroom stuff, why not with someone I trust rather than a stranger? It was a little strange though, you can't blurt out romantic stuff to a friend!

Edited September 17, 2016 by CoffeeChick