ljn1650 Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 Recently a guy I was involved with contacted my best friend in Facebook and told her he felt bad about what happened with me and him. (I'm not on Facebook), he then messaged her the next day apologising and saying he was drunk when he sent that message. The thing is all that happened between us was SIX years ago - at the time I ended up having a termination, and he treated me very poorly prior to that and didn't come with me when it happened etc. Just a few texts. Although I was very young and naive to be fair. What would cause a guy to suddenly think about me after all that time....and what the he'll took him so long to acknowledge the pain. We haven't spoke for all those years either. I believe it's not about me, and that he's trying to shift the guilt. Wouldn't you agree?
smackie9 Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 Shift guilt? He wanted to apologize. Sometimes people reflect on their past while intoxicated (alcohol is a depressant). 6 years later he is seeing his mistakes through more mature eyes. He made the decision to make contact and make it right somehow. I wouldn't think there is any ulterior motive for him doing that. You are seeing too much into it. 1
smackie9 Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 True story: I remember my dad telling me about a friend he lent $35 to and never saw him again. Like it was decades after when he told me, but it ate at my dad because back in the 1950's that was a lot of money. Well years later my dad got a letter in the mail from this individual with the $35 he had owed. It turns out this guy was dying of cancer and wanted to make things right while he had time left. My dad didn't think it was an honest gesture. I thought that it did mean something because it must of weighed heavily on his conscience for all those years enough for him to not to forget about it.
Saracena Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 I, too, don't understand why you think he's shifting the guilt. Agree with Smackie above. You're not the first person I've heard of who received a retrospective apology like this. Very often people do not realise the true impact of their actions at the time, particularly when younger! 1
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 My ex made a startling discovery that he was a drug and alcoholic addict. Completely different to the person I remember him as, but you can still be an addict and never touch the stuff. He's now not only sober but also is allergic to hops. When we were together he was drunk, insensitive and sometimes cruel and selfish. Now he's complimentary, respectful and polite. We've made amends to one another and can recall being young and impulsive. We were careless with each others feelings and used methods to hide and mask our insecurities. If he's trying to make amends, he's trying to tell you in some way in another (perhaps through your best friend that he's truly sorry). Now that you've heard of his attempts to get into contact with you, why don't you bite the bullet and get into contact with him? Reassure his feelings of guilt. Tell him you were young (both of you) that you were both kids. You forgive him and that you hold no further grudge against him. Tell him he has your free and full forgiveness and that you offer him an olive branch. Tell him he is now free to relieve himself of burdensome guilt, by forgiving himself. If it's more about him and less about you, it will be therapeutic for him, and it will set him free as guilt can imprison us in the four walls of shame. You've got a chance to help heal his heart and help his soul to move on. You may not think it's your responsibility but think about doing it for a friend whose still entrapped 6 years ago somewhere in the past. Maybe it's his time to let go, and your opportunity to help him along the journey..... My two cents
juniorrocha Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 I suppose if he wanted anything with you, he would find a way to reach out to you directly. He has your friend's contact, he could've asked for a way to talk to you. I would let it pass.
Ami1uwant Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 This can happen post break up for him. Unsure your ages and what the issues were in your relationship. He problem feels you have some good qualities he does like. He has not found this in people he has since dated. He probably got yo own hint about how things may have been different if a few things were done that weren't done snd wonder how different things could be like today.
Dork Vader Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 This can happen for a lot of different reasons. All we can do is speculate what his motives might be.. He might truly regret what happened between the two of you and really feel/think he lost something good. He might just be going through a difficult break up and reflecting on past relationships and how good that past relationship truly was. He might be lonely and again reflecting on past relationships and how good they might have been. It can happen for all sorts of reasons.
Buddhist Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 Recently a guy I was involved with contacted my best friend in Facebook and told her he felt bad about what happened with me and him. (I'm not on Facebook), he then messaged her the next day apologising and saying he was drunk when he sent that message. The thing is all that happened between us was SIX years ago - at the time I ended up having a termination, and he treated me very poorly prior to that and didn't come with me when it happened etc. Just a few texts. Although I was very young and naive to be fair. What would cause a guy to suddenly think about me after all that time....and what the he'll took him so long to acknowledge the pain. We haven't spoke for all those years either. I believe it's not about me, and that he's trying to shift the guilt. Wouldn't you agree? He's getting old and hasn't got a partner and wants kids now. Nothing like a bit of the old tick, tock to make people realise what they carelessly threw away. Accept the apology and move on.
mortensorchid Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 I can only say this about a lot of guys I have been with (and this man included even though he and I have never met): Men are fools. They have good women, then they treat them badly either out of cowardice or a need to feel superior or in control. Then they dump them, rebound to some trashy girl, and get taken for a ride usually involving emotional and/or verbal abuse and being taken advantage of financially or faithfully. Are they sorry they dumped the good woman? I'm not 100% sure if it. The trashy one is a lot more fun, I suppose. Maybe they think that they can change it, maybe they like the dramatics, maybe they think this is the woman they deserve deep within. They are, however, cowardly if nothing else. And some will come back in some way to say they are sorry about how badly they treated the woman. And then, what? You forgive them. Forgive them Father, they know not what they do. And life goes on. It's what it is. 1
Gaeta Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 I don't understand your shifting the guilt. What would you be feeling guilty of anyway. He was browsing FB, saw your friend, and he decided to make amend. End of story. It happens more than you think. My daughter once contacted someone from high school after 10 years to apologize for something she had done to her back then. I also had an ex boyfriend find me on FB after 10 years to apologize for breaking my heart back then. There was no hidden agenda, just people maturing and realizing they have hurt people once. 2
Author ljn1650 Posted September 12, 2016 Author Posted September 12, 2016 Shifting was completely the wrong word to use. What I meant was him trying to lessen his guilt by expressing how bad he felt, and therefore making himself feel better. I hear you though. He didn't apologise directly to me, but I guess I'll take it. It was just out of the blue that's all.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 12, 2016 Posted September 12, 2016 Shifting was completely the wrong word to use. What I meant was him trying to lessen his guilt by expressing how bad he felt, and therefore making himself feel better. I hear you, though. He didn't apologise directly to me, but I guess I'll take it. It was just out of the blue that's all. I guess if it is out of the blue and not directly to you in a way you have much less to worry about. If you have moved on and felt " nothing " so to speak, then I guess you don't have to message or contact him. I would personally reach out as a " hey to let you know. I don't hold anything against you, and I have moved on". Then leave it like that. If he responds after that, keep it short and sweet and if he still contacts you even after that, don't contact him again.
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