Lessons learned about yourself through Affair?

[starglider]

Let's imagine your affair partner was the lesson you needed to learn at this stage in your life. Let's say the Laws of Attraction brought you together in the perfect moment in time so that you could have mirrored, face to face, the very lessons in life you had not learned yet. Let's say your AP came to help get you unstuck so you could live a life of greater consciousness and alignment. Let say you attracted this crazy addictive love thing instead of a terminal disease, a heroin addiction, or a tragic death so that you could feel that spark and get reconnected to "the force" or "your source" or the energy that reshapes reality. And you could learn this lesson from the bond that erupted with your AP.

 

The AP came into and (in some cases) out of your life for a reason. And let's say you finally got it, that this is really a story about you.

 

I'm reminded of Dante's "Inferno" and Sartre's "No Exit" coming back to Love Shack and reading the threads after some months away. As forums go, this really is an arena of misery, suffering, and staying stuck. If you can turn off the switch of absence, pain, and longing to see it this way, what lessons have you learned?

Edited September 11, 2016 by starglider

[imperfectangel]

Affair started because I had poor boundaries and extremely low self esteem/respect.

 

 

Affair ended when my self confidence grew and I knew I deserved better

[carhill]

The affair stuff is in the distant past but the main lesson learned, mostly through MC, was to rid myself of the caretaker personality which got me into more MW situations than I can shake a stick at. Emotional tampon, KISA, whatever, it was an unhealthy personality charateristic and thankfully the therapy that my exW suggested for both of us rid me of it. Now I take care of myself. Life is a lot simpler and happier. Thank you affairs.

[cocorico]

Lessons about myself:

 

That I can love. That I am open to receiving love. That I can survive being in a LTR and that I can be monogamous and can sustain interest in being with someone.

 

That I can still feel passionate about someone after more than a decade. That I can compromise. That I can be chilled instead of driven all the time. That I can embrace happiness without fretting about social justice and world peace all the time.

[starglider]

Yes, I agree with all three of you. I too learned about my poor boundaries, my people-pleasing tendencies, and AP himself told me he was working on his self-esteem and suggested that I do the same. That was a key learning for me too, which I came to understand better through my new found feelings of self worth. In the end, this lesson was a gift about the ability to give and receive love.

 

I feel at peace with it all, the emotional affair/poor boundaries/twin flame or whatever it was. Last winter I ran into xMM and it was bad - he ignored me on the sidewalk in front of our kids and I wished I could hit the reset button. But oddly enough, it feels like we all have reset in a good way. I'm in a healthy and civil separation with my H and he and I are both happier this way, co-parenting and running our business while not living together. H did a favor for me with firewood and told me he loved me today in an old soul way. I still want to divorce, but do feel a love for him too and always will. I feel very connected to our daughter and am happy that her Dad and I get along well now.

 

I unfriended MM a few months ago on FB, and this helped me move on. BS unfriended him too and they are either separated or divorced as well. She has reached out to me on FB gently, just liking things I post and we both like each other's back to school pictures, etc. She wrote about looking forward to new beginnings in life.

 

There has been a recent "thaw" with MM and he has invited me to his performances again and spoke to me when we ran into each other. It was friendly and light, he seemed grounded, energetic, and content. I was reminded of the time he said he felt hopeful for his future and was no longer afraid. The energy shift now feels like the air has been cleared, there is no hostility, no anger any more.

 

Oddly, I felt grateful for it all. I honestly feel like the four of us (plus 2 kids) are in a better place as a result of the intense emotional connection that happened when both our lives were becoming unhinged. I remember that desperate time during that love bubble - the hugs that felt like we were going to die, the limerant replaying of us saying "I love you," the roller coaster highs and lows, the drug rush of text exchanges or his smiling face, and just the feeling that our walls were coming down and we were seeing each other/saving each other. This unhealthy stuff led to healing. I think the AP and I both had similar issues to deal with that we mirrored to each other - both people pleasers, rescuers, low self-esteem, entitled, seeking external validation, poor boundaries/careless with creating rapport, felt unworthy and undeserving of happiness, had childhood traumas, were over-responsible kids and now kid-like adults, felt dutifully trapped in stagnant marriages, etc.

 

As he walked away during our encounter the other day, I felt him make eye contact with me while I was talking with another mom. I looked at him and nodded and smiled as he walked to the door. I felt his eyes lock on me as he "got" my message of "namaste." It felt like closure, an unspoken statement of "you helped remind me of who I am."

Edited September 11, 2016 by starglider

[Chica80]

That I'm worth more than I believe. That I deserve love. That loving someone means accepting the good and the bad. When you can show someone the ugliest worst parts of yourself and they still accept you for who you are.

That loving someone means wanting what is best for them not for you. That no matter how true your love may be, it does not mean there will be a happily ever after....

 

That the world is not black and white....we are not all good or all bad. We are human and we have flaws

[Grey Cloud]

Let's imagine your affair partner was the lesson you needed to learn at this stage in your life. Let's say the Laws of Attraction brought you together in the perfect moment in time so that you could have mirrored, face to face, the very lessons in life you had not learned yet. Let's say your AP came to help get you unstuck so you could live a life of greater consciousness and alignment. Let say you attracted this crazy addictive love thing instead of a terminal disease, a heroin addiction, or a tragic death so that you could feel that spark and get reconnected to "the force" or "your source" or the energy that reshapes reality. And you could learn this lesson from the bond that erupted with your AP.

 

The AP came into and (in some cases) out of your life for a reason. And let's say you finally got it, that this is really a story about you.

 

I'm reminded of Dante's "Inferno" and Sartre's "No Exit" coming back to Love Shack and reading the threads after some months away. As forums go, this really is an arena of misery, suffering, and staying stuck. If you can turn off the switch of absence, pain, and longing to see it this way, what lessons have you learned?

 

I like how you have described things. I was definitely stuck and in an unhappy place when my AP came along. I do believe he came in to my life for a reason and I felt that spark for life, feeling alive etc. But now that it is all over I am feeling back to where I was - stuck again. The main lesson I learnt is having an affair is not the answer. But how do you move on when you are back where you started and nothing much has changed? Apart from the fact that I engaged in a toxic relationship which gave me fleeting moments of happiness but also a lot of pain?

[Got it]

The affair taught me that marrying for reward of time together is not a good reason to marry, for fear of being alone, for following status quo, for ignoring what you don't want want but not sure of what you want, are all bad reasons and should stay alone. I learned that marrying someone that was thought to be the opposite of my parents was in fact a representation of my mother and the unresolved issues with that relationship and personality type. Allowing the fear of alone to settle for companionship. I learned that one can still be friends even after. I learned that our history together didn't mean it was all for nothing; that we could accept and appreciate the other even if not married. I learned I had a lot of growing up to do.

 

I learned from the affair that life is not black and white. That there can be a complete dichotomy of finding a stronger/deeper love than ever experienced in a framework that can hurt others severely. I learned that an affair can result into a sustainable relationship/marriage with a lot of work. I learned not to settle. I learned that being alone has it perks. I learned to be my own best advocate. I learned humility.

[starglider]

Loving someone means accepting the good and the bad. When you can show someone the ugliest worst parts of yourself and they still accept you for who you are.

That loving someone means wanting what is best for them not for you.

 

Yes! I agree. I think letting down the facade to show the ugly parts was so key in this. And I felt the love and acceptance of who both my H and my APs were toward them and felt this given to me by them in return. It is life changing.

 

When I told my H I wanted to separate, I felt such deep love for him in his response. "It's not what I want, but if that is what you need to be happy, then yes, I want to see you happy." The fact that he could do this for me and my happiness, when it wasn't what he wanted, showed me the deep soul he has and reminded me why I fell in love with him.

[starglider]

Allowing the fear of alone to settle for companionship. I learned that one can still be friends even after. I learned that our history together didn't mean it was all for nothing; that we could accept and appreciate the other even if not married.

 

Yes, I too learned so much about marriage in the affair and realized I just inherited my parents' view of marriage and never formulated my own. It is good to hear that you have a deep appreciation for your former spouse (if I understand correctly). My H and I also carved out our own path in how we treat each other. Our MC was more destructive than helpful and when we fired our M Counselor and stopped listening to friends/family who were encouraging and adversarial response toward one another, and huge jump in our own personal development took place.

[starglider]

I do believe he came in to my life for a reason and I felt that spark for life, feeling alive etc. But now that it is all over I am feeling back to where I was - stuck again. The main lesson I learnt is having an affair is not the answer. But how do you move on when you are back where you started and nothing much has changed? Apart from the fact that I engaged in a toxic relationship which gave me fleeting moments of happiness but also a lot of pain?

 

Maybe it is time to do more reflection on yourself from this catalyst? I think personal change comes through this tremendous pain. What was missing in you that your AP brought out? What did they reflect back to you that was positive and negative about yourself? When in your life and with whom did these patterns of self first form? How did your shadow/opposite self come out? What parts of yourself have you been ignoring and denying and what do they want you to learn about how to live your life and be your complete self?

 

I think the reason so many affairs don't turn into long term, stable relationships is because we are a mess and attract an AP who is also a mess. So assuming we will learn, heal, and grow after the affair, we then will no longer be drawn to that person in the way that we were before. We are changed. It is only if the AP learns, grows, changes in similar energetic ways, that we would be drawn to them on the other side of this life shift too.

 

I hope you learn your lesson from this pain so you don't have to attract another affair into your life. That would be epically painful to all, right?

[starglider]

Hi Moderator, I started this thread and meant to post it in the Other Man/Other Woman section. Is it possible for your to move it there please? Thanks for your consideration.