Long distance bf broke up with me but still loves me

[couldhavebeenapoet]

Hey everyone.

 

I barely even know where to start. I was dating this guy for about 10 months, and although we're young and 10 months isn't a very long time, I really thought it was "the one". I'm not one to say those kinds of things lightly, either. It was a very happy and healthy relationship.

 

Then he graduated school, and moved out of the country to work. We were going to be long distance for at least 2 years while I finish school. We tried long distance for almost 3 months. While the first month was good, it gradually became more stressful as he grew busier with work and fun. I spent most of the time feeling needy and waiting for the next time we could talk or text. I was miserable, but I thought he was worth it, so I powered through it.

 

Then last week, we had a misunderstanding due to the time difference, and during Skype, he suddenly told me he wanted to break up.

 

He said he loves me, it's not me and that I'm perfect, it's just that he can't handle missing me all the time. But at the same time, he doesn't feel our relationship is romantic anymore, simply and only because we are not physically together. He still wants to be best friends and talk all the time, but thinks it's best to break up now since we're bound to break up eventually. In a few years, when we can be physically together, we can see where we are and maybe pick things back up.

 

My friends say that he cares about his job/himself more than he cares about me. He doesn't care enough to stay.

 

Since the breakup, he's texted me a few times, asking if I'm alright. He wants to talk to me and we almost did yesterday, but due to the time difference, we weren't able to.

 

I have some moments of clarity and strength. Breaking up is probably what's best, but it's hard to get out of bed and there's a constant pain in my chest. I desperately want to talk to him about other big stressful changes in my life and just be friends, but I'm also hurt...

 

Sorry about the long post. Just a very confused gal right now. Any advice or words of encouragement would be appreciated. Thanks!

[sooshi]

I'm so sorry you're hurting, sweetie.

 

I agree with your friend: Your ex doesn't care enough to stay. He doesn't feel as he did before, and so he doesn't want to work things out.

 

And that hurts. But the good news is that now, you have the space to be with someone who DOES care enough to stay. Because they DO want to be with you! He say he became busier with work (understandable) and fun. It doesn't sound like you were a priority. Talking with you should be fun.

 

As for now: You still have feelings for him. Friendship is going to hurt, and it will prolong your healing process.

 

Tell him you respect his decision to end the relationship (as you seem to do respect it), and that you need to go no contact with him in order to heal. This means blocking/deleting him in all ways.

 

I know what it's like to think that someone is "the one," as I'm sure many of us do, and I also wouldn't say that lightly, either. It really does hurt when "the one" isn't really the one after all. It can make us question our intuition, and our entire reality.

 

It sounds like the relationship was becoming a strain. Perhaps you are more suited for a local relationship, considering that your needs were not met due to the distance. I would also say to focus on your self-esteem. Being needy comes from somewhere, and is unattractive. Work on developing security within yourself.

 

I don't think distance is really a factor when you love someone. I had not seen my ex (also long-distance) in almost two years, and I was still in love with him when I saw him again. Your ex wasn't as emotionally invested as you were. My brother is on the other side of the world--a 12-hour time difference--but we still make time to talk daily. If not in real time, then through e-mail. Because we care enough about each other to do so. Time and distance aren't factors when you truly love someone.

 

You're hurting. You can't be "just friends," no matter how much you want to be or thin you can be. It'll only hurt more.

 

Take care.

[ExpatInItaly]

Much as it hurts, he's done the right thing by letting you go. He realized he wasn't able to maintain a long-distance relationship; if he felt this way after just a couple months, it's hard to imagine how he'd be able to keep it up for another couple years while you finish school. Many people aren't cut out for it, and it sounds like it was becoming hard for both of you.

 

Don't try to be friends right now. You need time and space from him to really heal. Being friends right after breaking up doesn't generally work when one person still has feelings. It will delay your recovery because you'll probably be holding on to false hope.

 

Take care of yourself.

[couldhavebeenapoet]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply.

 

I've never posted on any kind of forum like this before, but that was unexpectedly comforting to hear, so again, thank you. I'm already feeling better, although I know some days will be worse than others, I think I will heal just fine.