LTR on the rocks

[heartbrokenlady]

I feel like an idiot writing this because I can SEE how stupid I've been.

 

My partner and I have been 'together for 10 years. When we met, we lived 300 miles apart, so after 2 years I moved to be nearer him. I hoped we'd move in together, but he didn't want to. (I know, I know...).

 

I lived near him for 5 years. He wouldn't make a commitment so eventually, I had had enough and accepted an overseas job.

 

Once I left, he supposedly had an epiphany. He realised how wrong he'd been and wanted to make it right BUT wouldn't make a firm commitment to how he planned to do that. (Yes, I'm that stupid).

 

I told him I wouldn't give up my exceptionally well paid job (well paid, but I HATE the country I'm in) unless he made firm plans and lo and behold, he won't. He wants me to move home, to move in with him and his adult child who has caused problems for us in the past. I don't want to. I want us to get our own place together.

 

I re-sign my contract for another year next month (he knows this) and despite my trying to talk to him about it, to work out a compromise, he's avoided doing it for the last week. He'll reply to my messages, but won't discuss the issue.

 

I told him 2 days ago, that if he didn't respond sensibly (not with an answer, just being prepared to talk about it) I would have to cut off contact for my own sanity. He didn't respond and I've cut him off. No social media contact (which was our main contact due to the area I work in) and I've blocked him from messaging me too.

 

I know it was the right thing to do. But it's so hard. Other than this issue (which is a HUGE one, I know) he's a good man. Kind, supportive, helpful, loving.

[DarrenB]

Sounds like you both just need some time, some time to spend by yourselves and re-capture your own thoughts rather than colliding with each others.

 

You've made the right choice. Maintain this, either you or he (preferably he) will come to an abrupt realisation and make the decision for himself and you, which you quite clearly wanted. If not, well then that's his loss.

 

I'm sure it's just one of those bickering phases which I'm only going to assume is insanely common in LDR or long-term relationships.

 

Keep up your focus and don't dwell on this occasion. Things will set out for you in due time!

[heartbrokenlady]

Thanks DarrenB. I should add, moving home to live with him is a huge compromise for me. I've changed my focus since I've lived abroad and have bigger dreams, which he doesn't share. So moving back isn't top of my list.

 

The constant prevarication was driving me crazy. I feel a bit better since I've cut him off but I miss him like crazy.

[Satu]

You've done the right thing.

 

He can't be relied upon to make a commitment and stick to it.

 

Theres's much ambivalence in his feelings for you.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[heartbrokenlady]

You're right. I'm not easy and I can be a bi*%h. So I guess I don't blame him totally.

 

But his commitment issues aren't down to me. They were there long before I came along.

[angel.eyes]

He was happy with the status quo, and willing to fight and promise just enough to keep the status quo, but even after ten years...TEN years...was unwilling to make a more serious commitment. Unfortunately, these things happen. You have to recognize when someone sees you as Ms. Right Now rather than Ms. Right.

 

As tough as it was to do, you did the right thing to break up. Once you recover from the breakup, you'll be free to find a partner who wants the same things you do, and who's excited to build a shared life with you. That wasn't going to happen as long as you sat in a dead-end relationship that hadn't progressed in 7+ years.

[heartbrokenlady]

Sadly, at my age, I'm not going to find anyone else. I knew I was risking ending up alone by being with him but he was so supportive when I had a major health issue a few years ago, that I deliberately overlooked it.

 

There are worse things than being alone. But it hurts. I think I deserved better.

[Satu]

*Sadly, at my age, I'm not going to find anyone else. I knew I was risking ending up alone by being with him but he was so supportive when I had a major health issue a few years ago, that I deliberately overlooked it.

 

There are worse things than being alone. But it hurts. I think I deserved better.

 

*You can meet a new love at any age.

 

That's a fact, so don't encumber yourself with a limiting belief.

 

 

Take care.

[sooshi]

Ten years is more than enough time to know if someone is able to commit to you.

 

He has demonstrated that he isn't. You also say his commitment issues were long there before you came along. He hasn't shown that any of that has changed.

 

I agree with Satu: He can't be relied on to make a commitment and stick with it.

 

Focus on the dreams you've created since going abroad.

 

Also, you're never too old to love and fall in love again.

[angel.eyes]

It's never too late! You need to change that mindset! That attitude is in part why you wasted ten years of your life on a guy when it was fairly clear two years in that staying with him wasn't a good choice nor was he the right person for you. But you assumed you had no other options.

 

I am friends with an 85+-year old woman who remarried a couple of years ago to a great guy. I will say, she's very social, has lots of interests, and is just an upbeat, positive wonderful person. No doubt that is in part why she has such a large social circle across all age groups and was an active dater of eligible widowers.

 

Our outlook on life impacts our choices and outcomes. Hopelessness and negativity becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Focus on getting over the breakup first. Then look to your future.

[Survivor12]

Thanks DarrenB. I should add, moving home to live with him is a huge compromise for me. I've changed my focus since I've lived abroad and have bigger dreams, which he doesn't share. So moving back isn't top of my list.

 

The constant prevarication was driving me crazy. I feel a bit better since I've cut him off but I miss him like crazy.

 

You moving back is not a compromise, it's a concession. Don't do it. He has shown you that he isn't willing to match the effort that you're willing to put in to the relationship. You have made the right decision in cutting off contact. Take the time you need to grieve & then get out there and enjoy the freedom to find fulfillment in your life.

[heartbrokenlady]

I know you're all right. I'm angry with myself for wasting so much of my life with someone that was never prepared to at least meet me half way.

 

And I miss him. We were very compatible in most other ways. And the future I thought we would share is gone too.

[sooshi]

May this heartbreak lead to a breakthrough.

 

Hugs and love to you, OP.

[Els]

Sadly, at my age, I'm not going to find anyone else.

 

This is a terrible reason to stay with someone, and is also untrue. Yes, you might not be able to have biological children anymore, but that doesn't stop anyone from meeting a partner. I've seen people (of both genders) get married in their 50s and 60s.

 

Does it get harder? Probably, just because fewer people are single the older you get. But look at it this way, if you stay with this guy your chances are ZERO. I mean, ten years without any commitment (not even getting your own place together) is understandable if you met in your late teens or early 20s, but given that you mention age as being a potential impediment and his adult child, I'm going to guess that you guys got together at a much older age than that. At that age, I do think that if it hasn't happened after 10 years, it won't.

 

It doesn't get any worse, so might as well chance it?

[heartbrokenlady]

I'm not worried about the family thing. I have a daughter of my own and didn't want any more.

 

I also never actively stayed with him because I didn't want to be alone. I stayed because I love him. Nothing else.

 

I feel like we have a stronger bond because when I had cancer 6 years ago, he was the one that went with me to chemo, cared for me post op (5 operations), has seen my mutilated body (which never made a seconds difference to him).

 

That is partly why I can't move on from him (or why it's been so hard). He was with me, in sickness and in health, when a LOT of women find their relationships break down when they're ill, when sex isn't possible. When I'm trying to put him out of my mind, an image of him caring for me, bald, bloated on steroids, vomiting (and worse) comes to mind. Not only that, but his still being attracted to me then, at my absolute worst.

[angel.eyes]

The status quo worked for him. He did what he needed to do to maintain the status quo. But by two years in, the status quo was no longer sufficient for you. You loved him and wanted the relationship to progress. He was unwilling to do that. So for eight years, his relationship needs were met while yours weren't. How much you like or love someone is really irrelevant if they refuse to meet your relationship needs. How the other person feels and that person's level of commitment to the relationship is equally as important as yours.

 

You wanted to have a shared life together. You wanted to move in together. You wanted things to progress. For ten years he has not wanted those things with you. He has refused to make a bigger commitment to you, and has opted instead to keep his options open...even if it means you walk. In fact, you left the country, and he still refused to budge. It's on you to accept that as much as you might love him, he won't give you what you want. It's your responsibility to recognize that, and let go so that you're free to seek someone who will be able to meet your relationship needs, not just their own needs.

 

Better late than never. It will take a while to get over the breakup. Once you do, look ahead and work on your future.

[heartbrokenlady]

Just feeling really awful about it all. I'm supposed to be on a healthy eating programme. Not just losing weight but improving my health overall. And I've got zero will power. Argh! As if I didn't feel bad enough, I'm making it worse by eating crap too.

[sooshi]

OP, be gentle with yourself during this difficult time.

 

Your loss is still very fresh--just a few days. I eat quite consciously, but after my relationship ended, I would eat a whole bag of chips (yikes). I also ordered pizza one night and ate it all over a couple of hours (also yikes). Eating that stuff did make me feel worse afterwards, but it was temporary comfort food. I needed to do it in order to learn that I didn't actually need to continue doing it. I hope that makes sense.

 

Right now, your body is seeking solace. Remember, it's not what you do once in a while. It's what you do every day. You're not going to be eating like this every day. It's temporary.

 

You're also not going to be feeling this way every day. This is temporary, too.

 

You're so strong and you're going to get through this.

 

You're a lovely woman and I hope you'll continue to post here.

[heartbrokenlady]

Thank you for saying that. I don't feel very lovely. I feel completely unloveable. I told him that a few days before I cut off contact and he didn't contradict me or even acknowledge it.

[sooshi]

That serves as confirmation that he is no good for you.

 

I still think you're lovely. AND loveable!

 

I hope that once the emotional fog lifts, you will feel the same for yourself. But if it happens sooner, then even better.

[angel.eyes]

Just feeling really awful about it all. I'm supposed to be on a healthy eating programme. Not just losing weight but improving my health overall. And I've got zero will power. Argh! As if I didn't feel bad enough, I'm making it worse by eating crap too.

 

Awww, hon! You can't expect to be perfect in everything all the time, especially right now when you're going through such a rough patch. Sometimes we are our own harshest critics. Please don't beat yourself when you're already down. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself a break while you recover from the disappointment you just experienced. The guy you hoped to spend your life with didn't pan out. Any of us would be moping and spending more time than we should with junk food, or whatever gives us comfort.

 

In a couple of months, maybe you can focus on having more disciplined eating habits. For now, baby steps.

 

Life is a marathon, not a 100-m sprint. It's okay to pace yourself, especially as you encounter unexpected obstacles or detours along your path.

[angel.eyes]

Thank you for saying that. I don't feel very lovely. I feel completely unloveable. I told him that a few days before I cut off contact and he didn't contradict me or even acknowledge it.

 

This is unfortunately what happens when you hang in there hoping someone who isn't right for you will come to his senses and give you what you want. Your self-esteem and sense of self-worth take a huge beating.

 

From the little you've shared, you have so much to offer in a relationship. You are totally loveable! You just haven't met the right man yet. Once you're over this breakup, and your heart is open again, no doubt you will find a guy who is a much better match for you. Hang in there. Put yourself out there in social situations. And try to be optimistic.

 

It's cliche, but remember: It's always darkest just before the sun starts to rise.

 

This is all temporary. It WILL get better!

Edited September 13, 2016 by angel.eyes

[heartbrokenlady]

Managed another day of NC. I'm very glad I've blocked/deleted everything because otherwise I know I'd be tempted to contact him. Why am I so pathetic that I need to speak to someone that clearly doesn't give a **** about me? I wish I could just turn these bloody feelings off.

 

My life feels so chaotic and out of control. I just want some peace of mind and tranquility back. :-(

[sooshi]

I'm proud of you for blocking and deleting him. That's such a good sign!

 

NC is very hard at the beginning. It gets easier with time.

 

You love him and you had a strong attachment to him. It's natural to still want to speak to him. He was a big part of your life.

 

You can always talk to us on here.

 

Hugs and love to you.

[angel.eyes]

Congrats on making it another day without contacting him!!

 

Everyone struggles with NC and continued feelings for their ex. That's totally normal. In some ways, it's no different than a drug addict going through withdrawal. It's tough. It hurts. Your emotions are a rollercoaster. Just know that in time it does get better.

 

Do you have friends around you? I found it helpful to go out with them even if I felt completely anti-social. Try to find things that keep your mind busy or occupied. The other thing that really helped me was exercise--a nice, intense workout always helped for a few hours.