Bogun Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Ok, first post for me, but I've read quite a few of other peoples stories. Quick rundown on my own little tragedy..... Ex gf broke up with me almost 4 months ago; said she couldnt take it any longer, and that doesnt mean I was abusing her or pissing her off. We were very close and loved each other very much, but she got very depressed around that time due to a lot of things out of my control. She had some debts, couldnt find a job, felt depressed about gaining weight and she was getting very sick and had little energy. Plus she has always had a major issue with a lack of trust in men. Oh and our relationship was long distance, so the lack of trust really affected her, even though I never cheated on her or even flirted with other girls. So I think she had some kind of minor break down and decided that she couldnt handle having a relationship in her life at that point and I agreed with her. Anyway, we kept talking 2-3 times a week, and she started to sound happier once she got a job, but she also became more distant to me, which made me feel more and more meaningless in her life. So about a month ago I decided I had to go to NC in order to get over the whole thing. Well I began to feel better over the last few weeks and felt like I was getting on with my life, even though I would be frequently thinking about her and missing her. But then the other night, it was quite late and I was ready to go to sleep, I get a call from her and she sounded a bit down. Anyway, I find out that in the time I wasnt contacting her shes become sicker, even been in hospital, and now her doctor suspects that she has cancer. There were times in the conversation where she sounded close to tears, (not about the health problems, she thinks the doctor is being rediculous), and she asked me if I hated her. Which I dont. So this is my dillemma. After the conversation and up till now, I have felt like I am almost back to the way I was at day one of NC ie feeling down, unhappy, miserable etc again. My feelings for her are still very strong and I need NC to get through this, but how can I ignore the person I loved the most in the world when she is very sick and my natural instinct is to try and cheer her up? If she was having problems with a new bf treating her badly I could just walk away from her and tell her to deal with it herself, but this is different I think. And if I ignore her she is going to think that I dont care, and there will be no chance of any kind of relationship with her in the future even if it is just a friendship. I'd appreciate any advice on this, especially from people who have faced similar situations. Sorry for the length.
d'Arthez Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 I have never personally faced a situation like this. This is definitely a different situation. Although you have no formal obligations to her, there still exists some ties between the two of you. The break-up does not seem bad, as you described - so a friendship could have normally developed even if you would not get back together. Whatever you are doing, it seems a wrong decision. But that is ultimately untrue. She needs the support she can get, and your support would probably be highly appreciated. Dealing with cancer is anything but easy. It will be a bit hurtful to you - but it would be the same as if a close relative of yours would be suffering from the same disease. Pain and sickness are part of life, and running away from it, does not make the pain and the sickness go away. Even if you would stick to NC, you would be wondering about her, and feeling powerless that you can't do a thing. You would be hurt too. I would choose - but if you would make the other decision that is completely understandable - to forget about the whole NC deal, and be there to support her. Even at the cost of my own feelings.
Author Bogun Posted July 6, 2005 Author Posted July 6, 2005 Thanks for your comments d'arthez, I was going to take the decision that you would have too. I would have been there to support her if it would help. However, thankfully as it turns out, its not cancer. Although her health is not too good, its nothing fatal and she will recover in time. When I have talked to her in the last few days, its reopened old wounds that were starting to heal. She doesnt say anything to hurt me, but just hearing her voice and her plans for her future which no longer involve me are painful. What really sucks about the whole situation is that I think deep in her heart she still feels strongly about me, but has locked all those feelings away inside her because shes afraid of the pain it would cause her. She now says things like "i dont think ill ever believe someone will want me" and that she thinks that she will never be in a relationship again. Anyway, I will be returning to NC, but this time I wonder if I should make it clear how I feel about her and why I cant keep talking to her, so she doesnt think Im avoiding her because I hate her. Anyone's thoughts would be appreciated.
westernxer Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 She has a mother's should to cry on, doesn't she? She doesn't need you for consolation; your attention is what she craves, because misery loves company.
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