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he changed his mind after a year, no explanation, blaming myself

drearydream

By drearydream
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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drearydream Member

drearydream

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Trying to understand it makes a difference for me because it makes me feel less hurt and helps me accept it.

 

Example, if there are three possible reasons he left -

1 is hurtful

2 is not hurtful

3 is not hurtful

 

if I don't think about the possibilities, and just move on, then I'm going to feel hurt over the chance it could have been 1, and I'll have to deal with that pain.

 

but if I figured out that it can't be 1, and must be 2 or 3, I would feel a lot better and won't be hurt anymore.

 

or, if I explored 1, and found that I shouldn't take it negatively and found a way to not feel hurt about it, then none of them would be hurtful anymore so it wouldn't matter which it is. even if it IS 1 it wouldn't hurt me anymore

wow123 Established Member

wow123

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Is there a reason why you two never even video chatted during that whole year? I find this to be alarming.

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drearydream Member

drearydream

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Is there a reason why you two never even video chatted during that whole year? I find this to be alarming.

 

I guess it just never came up, I don't use video chat much, and he never suggested it either. I did suggest once that he call me, and he said he will sometime, but never did. We've only communicated on message and snapchat.

 

But I don't doubt he's real because you can't send fake pictures over snapchat, it only lets you send what you take right then and there, and doesn't let you upload anything that's already saved.

gracey123 Established Member

gracey123

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Please please don't blame yourself! Be thankful that you haven't ended up with a man who is capable of dropping on you just like that, it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. I promise you love you're worth so much more than a cheap little fling, and if he has to travel miles for a quickie it says a lot about him.

 

Look at yourself for your real worth, not the way this man boy has made you feel! It is his loss, and his loss only. Not yours! Stay strong lovely and look at yourself in the best light each and every day! Hugs to you x

gracey123 Established Member

gracey123

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I guess it just never came up, I don't use video chat much, and he never suggested it either. I did suggest once that he call me, and he said he will sometime, but never did. We've only communicated on message and snapchat.

 

But I don't doubt he's real because you can't send fake pictures over snapchat, it only lets you send what you take right then and there, and doesn't let you upload anything that's already saved.

 

Sweetheart there are apps all over the internet where you can send photos from camera roll, Snaphack etc x

wow123 Established Member

wow123

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I guess it just never came up, I don't use video chat much, and he never suggested it either. I did suggest once that he call me, and he said he will sometime, but never did. We've only communicated on message and snapchat.

 

But I don't doubt he's real because you can't send fake pictures over snapchat, it only lets you send what you take right then and there, and doesn't let you upload anything that's already saved.

 

I don't mean to upset you, but it's a bit ridiculous that he wouldn't speak to you on the phone or video chat with you once in a whole year. The snapchat could be anyone. One of his fiends, colleagues, coworkers, friend little bother. Who knows? I'm sorry but I think you were catfished and you should start getting angry. Hope you feel better soon.

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drearydream Member

drearydream

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I don't mean to upset you, but it's a bit ridiculous that he wouldn't speak to you on the phone or video chat with you once in a whole year. The snapchat could be anyone. One of his fiends, colleagues, coworkers, friend little bother. Who knows? I'm sorry but I think you were catfished and you should start getting angry. Hope you feel better soon.

 

It makes sense but I personally really do not think that is the case. Most of the times his snapchats were direct replies to mine, and he couldn't have found someone else to create personalized snaps with the exact response he wanted numerous times a day for months.

 

I know it's possible to be catfished so I appreciate the concern but I just don't think this is a fake person based on everything that happened.

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drearydream Member

drearydream

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Once, I asked him, a few months ago, I told him that I was worried that he was only interested in a casual hookup and I might have the wrong idea.

 

He told me that shows a lot of insecurity on my part because if I am really a wonderful person with a lot to offer, wouldn't I expect him to want more than that?

It seems like he was implying that if I am wonderful, he would obviously want more than a hookup. And if I think he only wants a hookup, it must be because I do not think I am wonderful.

 

But now, he is saying that he would only want something casual. Doesn't that mean I am not a wonderful person with a lot to offer? (according to what he said a few months ago)

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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No he means you are a wonderful person with a lot to offer it's just that you aren't for him except in a casual relationship.

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drearydream Member

drearydream

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No he means you are a wonderful person with a lot to offer it's just that you aren't for him except in a casual relationship.

 

Did you read my whole post - that contradicts with what he said (the bolded part)

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Once, I asked him, a few months ago, I told him that I was worried that he was only interested in a casual hookup and I might have the wrong idea.

 

He told me that shows a lot of insecurity on my part because if I am really a wonderful person with a lot to offer, wouldn't I expect him to want more than that?

 

It seems like he was implying that if I am wonderful, he would obviously want more than a hookup. And if I think he only wants a hookup, it must be because I do not think I am wonderful.

 

But now, he is saying that he would only want something casual. Doesn't that mean I am not a wonderful person with a lot to offer? (according to what he said a few months ago)

 

As you can see he has had a change of tone since what he told you a few months ago to what he is saying now. This makes me think he is only interested in something casual (sex) with you. You do not seem pleased with anyones explanation on this forum which I can understand. The best thing for you to do is to ask him these questions so you will have a firm answer on what the actual situation is from his point of view. I can tell you that a man with high interest would have at least called you once or more during a years time if for no other reason than to hear the sound of your voice.

springy Established Member

springy

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As you can see he has had a change of tone since what he told you a few months ago to what he is saying now. This makes me think he is only interested in something casual (sex) with you. You do not seem pleased with anyones explanation on this forum which I can understand. The best thing for you to do is to ask him these questions so you will have a firm answer on what the actual situation is from his point of view. I can tell you that a man with high interest would have at least called you once or more during a years time if for no other reason than to hear the sound of your voice.

 

You have been catfished/played...never even spoke to each other? Nothing live? Just texts, emails or whatever and still photos? For a year. Who does that...? I don't know why you refuse to consider that this was never real - that nothing he said was genuine even down to whatever excuse he had for you never hearing his voice. And yes, you can pull any pic you want up in snapchat and send it to someone.

 

A whole year and you've never even heard his voice. Is this your first relationship? Are you in your late teens/early 20s? This is not normal for a real relationship. Someone who is interested in you doesn't message and snapchat you for an entire year, and then disappear when it's time to meet. If you can't see that I don't know what else to say. You are taking this all so personally, this person is not worth your analysis.

 

If you choose to continue online dating, make sure you don't go a long stretch of time without at least talking to him on the phone/skype...something! An online man who doesn't want to talk to you or see you is either not into you, or not who they say they are. There was never any real effort here beyond words on a screen.

 

I'm sorry.

Edited by springy
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drearydream Member

drearydream

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As you can see he has had a change of tone since what he told you a few months ago to what he is saying now. This makes me think he is only interested in something casual (sex) with you. You do not seem pleased with anyones explanation on this forum which I can understand. The best thing for you to do is to ask him these questions so you will have a firm answer on what the actual situation is from his point of view. I can tell you that a man with high interest would have at least called you once or more during a years time if for no other reason than to hear the sound of your voice.

 

Sorry, I might not have expressed myself clearly. In that post, I was not asking about whether he is interested. I know he is not. I was just referencing a specific statement he made a while back, and what that statement implies.

 

He basically stated that if a girl is a wonderful person, why would a guy not be interested in something serious? This implies that there is no reason a guy would not be interested unless the girl is not wonderful.

 

For example, if you say "If the party is free, why would I not go?" implying that there is no reason you would not go if it is free.

 

So, if he believes that there is no reason a guy would not be interested as long as the girl is wonderful, then by that logic, that would mean that his lack of interest now must be because I am not wonderful. (Because HE is the one who said that as long as a girl is wonderful, it is guaranteed that a guy would be interested).

 

So you see, if you interpret his statement in that way, it implies that I am not wonderful. And I can't think of any other way to interpret that statement.

sooshi Established Member

sooshi

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Stop letting the potential meaning of this guy's words devalue you. Stop letting his actions or lack of actions or his words or lack of words devalue you. The same goes for anyone else.

 

The mental gymnastics you're performing is only torturing you. He isn't thinking about you. You're trying to grasp at straws that there was something there. He threw you empty words. There was NOTHING that he did that deemed true interest. No phone calls, no video chats, no visits. NOTHING. He future faked you. He played you. He probably wasn't even going to move closer and just told you that.

 

Drop the clown from your mind.

 

Be single for a while, work on your self-esteem. Learn to make things simple rather than complicate them. You're making this overly complicated and it's really frustrating to read, and you only accept what you want to hear.

 

He is not interested. That is all you need to know. And like springy, I think you were played.

 

Next time, be with someone local or at least someone who you've known for a while AND who you chat with over the phone AND live video.

 

In the meantime, focus on building your self-esteem and self-worth. You are wonderful. He's a clown.

 

This guy is not worth any more of your time or space in your head.

 

Just like you need to set higher standards for yourself, and build better boundaries, I am setting one now:

 

I'm out.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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OP, there are allot of people that I consider wonderful in more ways than one. However it does not mean I want a relationship with them. Just because he doesn't want a relationship with you does not mean he didn't think you were nice, kind, considerate, etc. - just basically a really wonderful person.

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