he changed his mind after a year, no explanation, blaming myself

September 11, 2016

I have been romantically involved with a guy online for a year and he had been wanting to meet me the whole time but I couldn't because of distance. So we decided that we would meet when he moves this fall (he is moving closer) and were really excited about it.

Then recently he started ignoring me. I asked about it and he said

I am scared to meet because I see very little chance of things going well for us.

I asked why he sees little chance of it going well. He said

There is no long term potential, which is fine for a casual fling, but I didn't think you are interested in that.

I'm just really confused because why did he want to meet me all this time then? He was head over heels all this time, what changed? Either:

1. He originally was looking for something serious, but then realized recently there is no potential and changed his mind. OR

2. He knew there was no potential all along, and was intending on keeping it casual the whole time, and he thought I was fine with that until recently when he realized I'm probably not.

I have no idea which one it is.

And if it is #1, I am worried about why he'd change his mind. He was head over heels all this time, I'm worried I did something wrong that changed his mind about me.

And also, I'm just really hurt that he sees no long term potential, it feels like he thinks I am not gf material, and am only worth a hookup. Like there is something wrong with me, something he dislikes about me.

September 11, 2016

I'm very sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time but please hear me out when I say this because I'm going to translate literally what he should have said instead of sugar-coating it to you: he does not want a relationship with you. Anything else he says doesn't really matter because underlying it is this actual meaning. You can't slice it or dice it any other way.

What I want you to take out of this after reading your message is please do not justify or question yourself and your value based on what he has said and done. To me it just sounds like he couldn't find the guts to tell you this which is why he said he was scared to meet you in person. It may be possible he has/was thinking about leaving this relationship for a while.

Please go no contact as quick as you can. There is no point being in a relationship that only you are holding up and investing in. It takes two. Also, like I have said before, do not sell yourself short. We all deserve to be happy but getting there requires you to understand that it is not entirely your fault; however, you have to accept his decision as there is no choice. Work on yourself, talk to trusted friends and family members, seek new wholesome experiences to keep you busy and help you remove the weight off your shoulders. Give yourself the freedom to breath.

Stay strong!

September 11, 2016

I'm very sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time but please hear me out when I say this because I'm going to translate literally what he should have said instead of sugar-coating it to you: he does not want a relationship with you. Anything else he says doesn't really matter because underlying it is this actual meaning. You can't slice it or dice it any other way.

What I want you to take out of this after reading your message is please do not justify or question yourself and your value based on what he has said and done. To me it just sounds like he couldn't find the guts to tell you this which is why he said he was scared to meet you in person. It may be possible he has/was thinking about leaving this relationship for a while.

Please go no contact as quick as you can. There is no point being in a relationship that only you are holding up and investing in. It takes two. Also, like I have said before, do not sell yourself short. We all deserve to be happy but getting there requires you to understand that it is not entirely your fault; however, you have to accept his decision as there is no choice. Work on yourself, talk to trusted friends and family members, seek new wholesome experiences to keep you busy and help you remove the weight off your shoulders. Give yourself the freedom to breath.

Stay strong!

Then why was he romantically involved with me for a year? Why did he want to meet so badly and travel so far to see me? Was the whole thing a charade?

September 11, 2016

Then why was he romantically involved with me for a year?

He was romantically involved with YOU, but with a cyber-version of "you."

Why did he want to meet so badly and travel so far to see me?

If he really had wanted to meet you so badly, he would have.

Was the whole thing a charade?

Looks like it.

September 11, 2016

Then why was he romantically involved with me for a year? Why did he want to meet so badly and travel so far to see me? Was the whole thing a charade?

He may have sought your attention/affection because in the moment that is what he needed. It just so happened that that was what you were needing as well so you both ended up feeding off each other. After though, he may have had his fix of the relationship and doesn't require it any longer.

It may have been a charade, it may not have been. Right now, there is no point over-analyzing the 'what-ifs' or the 'whadda, shouldda, couldda's'. You're stressing your mind out and you need to stop because it will spiral into a really unhealthy pattern of constant turmoil.

September 11, 2016

Well the main question is if he was interested in pursuing a relationship earlier and then changed his mind, or if he was never interested in a relationship the whole time and was just playing around.

It seems like you both think it was the latter.

September 11, 2016

Well the main question is if he was interested in pursuing a relationship earlier and then changed his mind, or if he was never interested in a relationship the whole time and was just playing around.

It seems like you both think it was the latter.

To be fairly straight forward with you: I have no idea what his intentions were. I'm only suggesting to you what those might be and you could be the judge of it through your personal background history you've had with him online. All you need to know is that if he really wanted this, he would have taken the time at some point to further your relationship but instead he decided to step backwards indicating that this relationship was not what he wanted.

It is nothing against you as a person. He may not be the one for you. Better that it ended now than it stretching longer and the same outcome occurring later in the relationship.

Edited September 11, 2016 by hakuna matata

September 11, 2016

OP, I am sorry for what you're going through.

It sounds like he hasn't been entirely honest with you. For whatever reason, he doesn't want to be with you, and is making excuses about it. I am sure he has known for quite a while about his true intentions. It does sound like it's been a charade on his end.

It has nothing to do with you. Please, keep in mind that this bears no reflection on you.

It sounds like he has been all words.

Trust his actions, OP. Not his words.

His actions show that he doesn't want what you want.

Don't settle for anything less than what you want.

He is not to be trusted any longer.

Take care.

September 11, 2016

All you need to know is that if he really wanted this, he would have taken the time at some point to further your relationship but instead he decided to step backwards indicating that this relationship was not what he wanted.

It is nothing against you as a person. He may not be the one for you. Better that it ended now than it stretching longer and the same outcome occurring later in the relationship.

I know he doesn't want it anymore, but I feel like he did really want it before and then changed his mind. And my problem is not knowing why he changed his mind. I am scared that it is because of me. If I knew for sure it wasn't about me, then I would feel a lot better but I don't know that ..

September 11, 2016

It's a cliché, but closure comes from within.

You two were not meant to be.

If he really wanted to be with you, he would be. He would have discussed with you any concerns he had. Instead, he suddenly started to ignore you without any forewarning, without any discussion beforehand.

He doesn't sound very mature, let alone someone who's a prime candidate for a long-term relationship.

I can understand thinking and wondering that maybe it was your fault.

But I want you to know something:

It wasn't about you. It's still not about you.

He wasn't considerate of your feelings enough to discuss with you any concerns he may have had. He wasn't considerate of your feelings enough to communicate; instead, he ignored you.

He sounds flakey to me. He sounds like someone who can't be trusted.

Go with that.

September 11, 2016

I know he doesn't want it anymore, but I feel like he did really want it before and then changed his mind. And my problem is not knowing why he changed his mind. I am scared that it is because of me. If I knew for sure it wasn't about me, then I would feel a lot better but I don't know that ..

There's alot of unexplained things that you will repeatedly wonder what the legitimate answers to were. It seems as if you already are questioning his words, but his actions like Sooshi had stated is what you should be taking into some sincere consideration.

Unless he shows or properly tells you his own actions, you will never know. You will just continuously base it off your own impressions and understanding.

Actions and words can be very clear, as a temporary or indefinitely definitive way of explaning, especially common situations like this.

Do not dwell, do not lose focus on what could have been. Your past is there, it has been done. Reminisce only when completely necessary and once you are stable enough to think about it without having to come to multiple conclusions. Your present and future however, is entirely in your hands. No-one elses, especially not him.

Best of luck!

September 11, 2016

Have you both gone NC?

If not ask for closure, then close the door for good.

I feel he did a cowardly thing and strung you along.

Online romance is just fantasy but I think reality caught up with him.

He was having fun with it but was never planning to see it through.

He may have a wife or girlfriend too.

He might not even be moving.

You just never know.

You could ask for more closure but you can also move on without it too.

Please go NC.

September 11, 2016

There's alot of unexplained things that you will repeatedly wonder what the legitimate answers to were. It seems as if you already are questioning his words, but his actions like Sooshi had stated is what you should be taking into some sincere consideration.

Unless he shows or properly tells you his own actions, you will never know. You will just continuously base it off your own impressions and understanding.

Actions and words can be very clear, as a temporary or indefinitely definitive way of explaning, especially common situations like this.

Do not dwell, do not lose focus on what could have been. Your past is there, it has been done. Reminisce only when completely necessary and once you are stable enough to think about it without having to come to multiple conclusions. Your present and future however, is entirely in your hands. No-one elses, especially not him.

Best of luck!

I know it's all speculation..I guess that's what makes it hard. I don't know what changed his mind, I don't know if it was my fault or not. Not knowing that is hard. It makes me feel bad and beat myself up over the fact that it might have been my fault.

September 11, 2016

I know he doesn't want it anymore, but I feel like he did really want it before and then changed his mind. And my problem is not knowing why he changed his mind. I am scared that it is because of me. If I knew for sure it wasn't about me, then I would feel a lot better but I don't know that ..

I know it's all speculation..I guess that's what makes it hard. I don't know what changed his mind, I don't know if it was my fault or not. Not knowing that is hard. It makes me feel bad and beat myself up over the fact that it might have been my fault.

I hope you can find some clarity in this lesson that I learned when I went for some personal counseling after my own relationship ended 3 months ago. I was with my ex for 3.5 years and he broke up with me because he suddenly one day said he couldn't see me as the one anymore. Then he began to blame the demise of our relationship mostly on me. I spent weeks constantly torturing myself and self-blaming myself because that's what he told me was wrong. Don't get me wrong, there can be room for self improvement on each of our parts but to solely blame me I did not feel was right. This was especially complex when some of the reasons were related to different cultural backgrounds or we lived an hour away from each other as we couldn't afford to purchase our own place while we were attending the same university.

Enough about my past. Anyways back to my advice, my counselor taught me something very important: the easiest ways we get explanations are through ourselves, the easiest way to get answers is through ourselves, and the easiest person to blame is ourselves. Don't fall into the trap of constantly blaming yourself unless you cheated on him or did something along those lines that overstep boundaries of a relationship. Sure you can learn what went wrong in your past relationship but you have to make sure your intent on doing that is to progress you forward and not consistently look back to that relationship.

Edited September 11, 2016 by hakuna matata

September 11, 2016

I know it's all speculation..I guess that's what makes it hard. I don't know what changed his mind, I don't know if it was my fault or not. Not knowing that is hard. It makes me feel bad and beat myself up over the fact that it might have been my fault.

Peace comes when you accept that you don't need to know.

dd, I now what it's like to feel bad and beat myself up over the possibility that [insert result] might have been my fault. I spent years feeling that way.

I truly hope you won't take nearly so long to accept what has come.

Even if he offered an explanation, you might question that. It would be an endless cycle of self-blame and self-sabotage.

You're beautiful and you need not hurt yourself any longer. It's time to be gentle and kind with yourself. This is what you need. You deserve closure, and it only comes from within yourself. Enclose yourself with warmth and support. Go for a walk in the sunshine; hug a tree; smell some flowers and talk to them; take yourself out for a nourishing meal; get plenty of water and rest. Spend time with a trusted and loved individual--a family member or friend.

Please do go no contact. It's hard to do, but it does get easier. Soon, you will find yourself wondering less and less about him and you'll find yourself accepting of the situation--that it didn't end up as you had hoped, and that it's okay, because it is opening up space for a healthier relationship with a man who DOES want to be with you.

Right now, it's hard to see clearly. Right now, you're hurting and the pain is all you feel. The only way to get past the pain is to get through it.

Continue to post on here.

Hugs and love to you.

September 12, 2016

I realized something. Remember when I said there are two possibilities of what happened:

1. He originally wanted me because he thought there might be long term potential, and then realized there isn't and changed his mind

2. He knew there was no potential all along, and wanted something casual all along, but recently realized I might not

Well, if it is #2, doesn't that mean nothing changed on his end? Doesn't that mean that even though he knew there was no potential all along, he still wanted me? And the only reason he stopped talking to me is because he thought I wanted something else?

I was fine with what we had earlier - we both liked each other and were getting to know each other and seeing what happens. Maybe that is what he means by 'casual', and nothing actually changed for him, he just assumed something changed for me

September 12, 2016

Bummer situation.

But you two never met. Kind of hard to have a relationship without meeting one another. Did you guys talk on the phone at all?

Stop dwelling so much. There is a lot more to a relationship than communication. You need chemistry, physical compatibility, sharing a space, existing as a couple, etc...you did none of this. Sure, you had feelings and talks, and whatever else, but those alone don't make a relationship.

Sorry to mr negativity, but have you ever watched the show Catfish? I mean people get off on leading others on, it's sickening, but in terms of the internet and relationships: nothing is surprising. Hell recently some guy thought he was dating Katie Perry for 6 years only to find out it was a Canadian lesbian who had just been messing with him.

Move on. No point in putting anymore thought into this when you could going out and finding a real partner.

September 12, 2016

Bummer situation.
But you two never met. Kind of hard to have a relationship without meeting one another. Did you guys talk on the phone at all?

Stop dwelling so much. There is a lot more to a relationship than communication. You need chemistry, physical compatibility, sharing a space, existing as a couple, etc...you did none of this. Sure, you had feelings and talks, and whatever else, but those alone don't make a relationship.

Sorry to mr negativity, but have you ever watched the show Catfish? I mean people get off on leading others on, it's sickening, but in terms of the internet and relationships: nothing is surprising. Hell recently some guy thought he was dating Katie Perry for 6 years only to find out it was a Canadian lesbian who had just been messing with him.

Move on. No point in putting anymore thought into this when you could going out and finding a real partner.

I must agree with this. Online relationships are not real in terms of determining all the other things that make two people compatible. A year is a very long time to online chat without meeting. I'm not sure he was ever genuine. Did you at least Skype?

Sorry you are hurt over this. Let this one go, stop trying to figure it out, you'll only frustrate yourself further. Heal and look for someone closer when you are ready.

September 12, 2016

I know that it takes more than online communication to have a relationship, which is why I wanted to meet and see how things go.

The reason this doubt matters is because those two situations I listed above are very very different ways of interpreting this so it matters which one it is. The second situation seems more like a misunderstanding than anything (because nothing changed on my end).

I appreciate your kind words but I put a lot of thought into the questions I ask in my posts, and it feels like no one is reading my points and addressing them, and are instead brushing them off and ignoring them.

I know you think my questions don't matter, but then at least explain directly why that specific question doesn't matter so that it doesn't feel like you just ignored it

September 12, 2016

OP, your questions are valid ones, but it's futile to sit here and speculate about why he felt like there was no long-term potential, etc.

We simply don't have the answers.

And maybe he doesn't even know exactly what happened.

Whatever happened, he wasn't fully straightforward and honest with you. Communication is key to having a healthy relationship.

He sounds flaky, OP. I question his integrity. Do you?

I'm sorry you're hurting, and I know you're hearing things from others that you don't want to hear, but it's best to let this one go.

September 12, 2016

OP, your questions are valid ones, but it's futile to sit here and speculate about why he felt like there was no long-term potential, etc.

We simply don't have the answers.

And maybe he doesn't even know exactly what happened.

Whatever happened, he wasn't fully straightforward and honest with you. Communication is key to having a healthy relationship.

He sounds flaky, OP. I question his integrity. Do you?

I'm sorry you're hurting, and I know you're hearing things from others that you don't want to hear, but it's best to let this one go.

why is it best to let this one go? what if it was the misunderstanding I explained above?

September 13, 2016

You have decided this breakup is the result of one of two possibilities while it may be neither. He could have been talking to several women all along, he could have online dated a lady in the new city he is moving to, he could have just been passing the time...It could be anything, including a reason that he would never admit to you. You ask questions no one can answer, you're asking for anyone's guess and that will get you nowhere...if he hasn't cut you off and you are up for it ask him.

Edited September 13, 2016 by springy

September 13, 2016

why is it best to let this one go?

Because he doesn't want to be with you.

Be with someone who actually does want to be with you.

September 13, 2016

Did the two of you Face Time or Skyoe? If so how often? How many times total?

September 13, 2016

You have decided this breakup is the result of one of two possibilities while it may be neither. He could have been talking to several women all along, he could have online dated a lady in the new city he is moving to, he could have just been passing the time...It could be anything, including a reason that he would never admit to you. You ask questions no one can answer, you're asking for anyone's guess and that will get you nowhere...if he hasn't cut you off and you are up for it ask him.

I wasn't asking which one it is, I was asking what it would mean for me if it happens to be 2

Because he doesn't want to be with you.

Be with someone who actually does want to be with you.

we don't know if it is because he doesn't want to, there are different possibilities of why he backed out..

and anyway, I am not trying to be with him, I am just trying to understand..

Did the two of you Face Time or Skyoe? If so how often? How many times total?

we Snapchatted daily

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he changed his mind after a year, no explanation, blaming myself

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