CaseyK Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Going to try to keep this short as I'm typing on my phone.. Sorry in advance for any typos First dated my bf when I was 19, he was 23 (and had a 5 year old son he's full time parent to). We worked together, dated for about 9 months and then split up. Met my ex bf 6 months later. Truth be told probably a little on the rebound because I was still pretty damn cut up about the break up, I still liked him (I know dumb move) We were together like a year ish all together.. I got pregnant a few months before we split up (again I know dumb move) It wasn't planned but I decided to keep the baby and obviously I don't regret it because I wouldn't be without my son for the whole world but honestly our relationship was far from ready for a baby. As it was we ended things before he was even born! So I was single for about a year from that point, all through the pregnancy and until my son was about 6 months. Which is when I got back together with my bf (22 & 26, together now 5months). It wasn't a sudden thing it had been coming, we were like best friends before we started dating the first time and it grew into more and after I broke up with my ex we started to get that way again and eventually ended up back together. He was so supportive of me the whole time and he is without question the love of my life, no one else has come close! So that's the history.. Here's the thing.. He treats me so well, he's the only person in the world that seems to really understand me and he seems to do it effortlessly. And he's AMAZING with my son! Everyone (friends, family) tell me how lucky I am, how great he is. I am lucky, he is great! He was always a great boyfriend and a test dad to his son but he is a fantastic father figure to my son too.. My sons. It a great sleeper but never once do I get up in the night, he'll say that's his turn, even though he works full time.. If we're ever at family things or restaurants etc and my son starts crying he'll happily take him outside, he'd walk him up and down for hours if that was what it took. That's just a couple of things he does for us! Problem is... I've started to feel guilty and I can't shake it! I feel guilty that my son isnt biologically his, because he should be! I feel guilty that we ever split up, because (even if I've never say it outright in real life) it was all my fault, I was stupid and even after the 'break up' we could of fixed things if I could of just backed down, I should of, but I didn't. Everytime someone says how great he is, I feel bad when it's just us everything's great and just dandy! But when I see him with my son, I still feel guilty. It's driving me crazy! My Nan was going on today like " God he's so good with [my son] isn't he? Your so lucky, so many guys aren't such naturals, especially when he's not even his son, they have such a great bond!" All I want to be like is shut up shut up shut up! But that's frowned upon so I have to say yeah I know, yeah I'm lucky.. Any advice on this? Will the feelings fade? Any similar experiences?
Author CaseyK Posted September 11, 2016 Author Posted September 11, 2016 Well that didn't work out that short after all
angel.eyes Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 The post is the perfect length! You did the best you could at the time with the skill set that you had then. Life is full of learning experiences, and it sounds as if you've grown and matured since your teen years. No doubt there were missteps on both sides (not just yours) on your first go around. The good news is that you have both learned from the experience and now have a wonderful relationship together. Focus on being thankful for that, and make sure that you don't take him for granted. Not everyone is so lucky! 2
Author CaseyK Posted September 11, 2016 Author Posted September 11, 2016 True. I know its not the worst problem in the world. Far from it! I don't think he would say it was all my fault the first time! But I push people. Its what I do. I might act like I don't give a f*** but I actually over analyse everything because i care a massive amount. My boyfriends the only person who has ever really understood that. I think the first time around the very fact that he did seem to see that so intuitively, so easily, scared the hell out of me! It was like I had to go and prove to him that he was wrong, that I really was just a b*tch. I don't know if i was testing limits or what but in the end i pushed him too far. I don't think i was totally wrong, but I was out of order and I should of just backed down, but i was quite young, and very dumb and I didn't, or couldn't - I don't know! I have grown up (and so as he), and I have matured (and so is he) and our relationship is better and stronger now. Overall I'm happier this time around! So maybe our split was needed? But my whole relationship with my ex is a massive regret! That sounds terrible, I don't regret my son one bit, I love him to pieces! He is the one good thing I got out of that relationship. But as a whole it was a regret, I should of been single or got back with my boyfriend sooner. It was a sh*tty relationship, looking back! I guess that's mostly why I feel bad! I feel bad for the hurt I caused him, especially while i was with my ex. I am lucky I know, so many people don't get a second chance to put things right and we did! He looks at my son with nothing but love, he treats him exactly like his own. I feel like I don't know how he doesn't see my son as a constant reminder.. I guess thats why i feel guilty. Its weird to say because I love his son, and i don't think anything of the fact he isn't mine biologically. But my bf already had him when we met. It wasnt like i had to stand by and watch him be in a relationship with her, I know that would have killed me.
BluesPower Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 I can understand how you feel, but you have to understand that when a man loves a woman, he loves her. When a REAL man loves a woman he will also accept her perfect imperfections. He loves you, and he loves your son because your son is part of you. What you need to do is figure out how to love yourself. I understand that this is not an easy thing. But, by learning to love yourself you will be better able to love your partner. Of all the people on this forum, you are one of 2 that I know of that have a second chance with the love of your life. That is such gift. You need to grab it and hold on tight, learn to love and forgive yourself and keep loving him. During that process, try and find ways to let him know that you respect him and love him more than you thought was possible. Let him know that you appreciate him loving you, and you appreciate what he does for you and the children. Never get complacent even if you are together for the rest of your lives, always let him know that he is Respected, Appreciated and Loved, in that order. Best of luck to you sweetheart... 2
angel.eyes Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 You shouldn't regret the relationship with your ex. Hindsight is always 20/20. You had no idea how things would turn out when you first met him. Also, quite frankly, if it weren't for that relationship, you wouldn't realize how special your boyfriend and your current relationship are. 2
Author CaseyK Posted September 17, 2016 Author Posted September 17, 2016 I can understand how you feel, but you have to understand that when a man loves a woman, he loves her. When a REAL man loves a woman he will also accept her perfect imperfections. He loves you, and he loves your son because your son is part of you. Yeah I know that is true! That's definitely what he would say, he'd say he loved him because he was my son, and now he loves he simply for being Louis.. What you need to do is figure out how to love yourself. I understand that this is not an easy thing. But, by learning to love yourself you will be better able to love your partner. Hmm, yeah. I'm not normally particularly self depreciating or anything.. I guess its just in this instance I just feel like I did do him wrong, and no one ever wants to hurt someone they love Of all the people on this forum, you are one of 2 that I know of that have a second chance with the love of your life. That is such gift. You need to grab it and hold on tight, learn to love and forgive yourself and keep loving him. We are very lucky! I do realise that! So many people never get second chance to rewrite the past and do things right but we do! During that process, try and find ways to let him know that you respect him and love him more than you thought was possible. Let him know that you appreciate him loving you, and you appreciate what he does for you and the children. Never get complacent even if you are together for the rest of your lives, always let him know that he is Respected, Appreciated and Loved, in that order. Best of luck to you sweetheart... Thank you! Yes that is definitely the key, i'm not someone that's super lovey dovey, that's just not me, and I think that's fine, but I think I did start to just take him and our relationship for granted and I guess that's where it went wrong the first time 1
Author CaseyK Posted September 17, 2016 Author Posted September 17, 2016 You shouldn't regret the relationship with your ex. Hindsight is always 20/20. You had no idea how things would turn out when you first met him. Also, quite frankly, if it weren't for that relationship, you wouldn't realize how special your boyfriend and your current relationship are. Yes very very true! Thank you!
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