longjohn Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 I'm dating a lady that's about 10 years older than I. This isn't an issue for me at all and find it quite appealing vs some (not all are like this) younger ladies being distracted every 5 seconds by other guys, shiny things, their phone etc and no pressure on getting married and cranking out babies which is nice for once. So as the title suggests.. she keeps buying me things which is kind of weird to be honest as I've never had this happen before. Honestly usually what's happened before is I incurred most of the expenses. Here I am now looking at this massive TV this lady just bought me. I mean I'm ok with her buying dinner but when it comes to a giant TV I feel weird. I don't want her to feel rejected however at the same time I'm perfectly capable of buying these things myself. I have been up front with her since day one and told her I'm very independent. I've also indicated a number of times that I make about the same as she does. I'm thinking how best to handle this situation.
spiderowl Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 If you feel uncomfortable with it, then just tell her it's very kind of her but you like her company and don't need presents. Please would she stop buying you things. If she doesn't stop, then she is the one with the problem. Maybe she is trying to 'buy' you, keep you sweet. Perhaps she feels insecure. I don't get the feeling you are very emotionally involved with this lady somehow. Maybe she senses that. Either way, she should not be buying expensive gifts. 3
smackie9 Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 That is how some people show affection...men and women. Just tell her that it makes you feel uncomfortable. She's a mature woman, she can handle it. Maybe you are not her first boytoy, and this is what she feels is expected of her. 5
blackcat777 Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 (edited) Do a quick Google on the five love languages - I really recommend the book. If you can peg your love language, explain to your lady that while you appreciate what she does, your language isn't gift-giving, but __________________. Does she like receiving gifts, too? And/or is she a driven, high-earning type? As a woman who is with a younger man with a similar age gap, I've read extensively on power dynamics in this situation - the sugarmama & kept man situation can really kill the sexual attraction if the man prefers a more traditional leading/providing/masculine role. Or you could try to explain it to her in terms of biology and body parts... men give and women receive. (spice up that explanation all you like) While my man and I always have each others' backs no matter what... I just started in my field and am climbing the SES, while he's on stipends and doing school. I still accept his treats whenever he wants to take me out, we split on bills and food. A lot (not all, but many) of red blooded males find being completely cared for by a woman emasculating and sexually offputting. Providing is often a man's thing... and even if she is capable... she still needs to let you be the man. This can be a situation where little things add up over time and suddenly, one day, you just might end up as friends instead of lovers. Evan Marc Katz and Renee Wade are two of my favorite bloggers who write on this subject, though their writing is tailored to women. Ask her if she wants to explore her inner goddess with you and practice receiving, putting you more in control of that dynamic. When I started reading all this stuff and it resonated with me, my boyfriend and I had a lot of fun with the idea. I love to give him saucy looks and tell him he's in charge, that XYZ is "the man's job," etc. I love it when he drives me around in my car! You can make a fun game out of finding your sweet spots with give and take in all areas of the relationship... gift-giving and more. It's always fun, but in time, too, I think you can learn to communicate more effectively and trust each other's decision making process. Dr. Pat Allen writes about this, too - how one person in the relationship needs to be in the driver's seat, and the other person holds the veto power. As you acclimate to each other, you can switch roles depending on the situation. Two people in the driver's seat never works. And you getting gigantic TVs from her sounds like it could also be a bit of a her in your seat when you expect to be driving kind of thing. My random $0.02 Edited to add: I can't tell you how many stories I've read from younger men who date empowered, high-earning women who spend a fortune on them. One finished a story with something like, "It was a great experience, but I decided I didn't want to be someone's b!tch. When I did have a 'real' relationship with a younger woman later on, though, it made me consider the role of provider more seriously and I think I do a better job at it now." Whenever, wherever I read that, I thought, AHHH THAT IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!!! But there are nuggets of truth in the idea. Edited September 11, 2016 by blackcat777
bubbaganoosh Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 Reminds me of a time when I was dating a lady and one day I asked her to come over and I would make dinner for us. She was wowed and said that it was the first time any guy cooked for her and I consider myself a damn good cook. Well I was getting dinner ready and she knocked on the door, I answered and she brought me a big yellow rose in a vase and a box of chocolate covered strawberries. I just looked at them stunned because it was a first for me and then this little voice in my head started screaming, "Say thank you, you idiot". Finally I got my foot out of my mouth and thanked her and explained that I was floored because I never got flowers and candy before and she never had a guy make dinner for her. Kind of like role reversal. Hell I was ready to sleep on the wet spot that night LOL 2
elaine567 Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 OK so if you have accepted the TV then what have you planned to give her in return? 2
joseb Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 How on earth did it come to her buying you a TV?? Unless you two are in some kind of monetary arrangement then this seems a little odd.
Author longjohn Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 Do a quick Google on the five love languages - I really recommend the book. If you can peg your love language, explain to your lady that while you appreciate what she does, your language isn't gift-giving, but __________________. Does she like receiving gifts, too? And/or is she a driven, high-earning type? As a woman who is with a younger man with a similar age gap, I've read extensively on power dynamics in this situation - the sugarmama & kept man situation can really kill the sexual attraction if the man prefers a more traditional leading/providing/masculine role. Or you could try to explain it to her in terms of biology and body parts... men give and women receive. (spice up that explanation all you like) While my man and I always have each others' backs no matter what... I just started in my field and am climbing the SES, while he's on stipends and doing school. I still accept his treats whenever he wants to take me out, we split on bills and food. A lot (not all, but many) of red blooded males find being completely cared for by a woman emasculating and sexually offputting. Providing is often a man's thing... and even if she is capable... she still needs to let you be the man. This can be a situation where little things add up over time and suddenly, one day, you just might end up as friends instead of lovers. Evan Marc Katz and Renee Wade are two of my favorite bloggers who write on this subject, though their writing is tailored to women. Ask her if she wants to explore her inner goddess with you and practice receiving, putting you more in control of that dynamic. When I started reading all this stuff and it resonated with me, my boyfriend and I had a lot of fun with the idea. I love to give him saucy looks and tell him he's in charge, that XYZ is "the man's job," etc. I love it when he drives me around in my car! You can make a fun game out of finding your sweet spots with give and take in all areas of the relationship... gift-giving and more. It's always fun, but in time, too, I think you can learn to communicate more effectively and trust each other's decision making process. Dr. Pat Allen writes about this, too - how one person in the relationship needs to be in the driver's seat, and the other person holds the veto power. As you acclimate to each other, you can switch roles depending on the situation. Two people in the driver's seat never works. And you getting gigantic TVs from her sounds like it could also be a bit of a her in your seat when you expect to be driving kind of thing. My random $0.02 Edited to add: I can't tell you how many stories I've read from younger men who date empowered, high-earning women who spend a fortune on them. One finished a story with something like, "It was a great experience, but I decided I didn't want to be someone's b!tch. When I did have a 'real' relationship with a younger woman later on, though, it made me consider the role of provider more seriously and I think I do a better job at it now." Whenever, wherever I read that, I thought, AHHH THAT IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!!! But there are nuggets of truth in the idea. It's funny you say that because that book is on my list of things to send her way. We're both from what I can tell so far quite similar in many ways in regards to our jobs at least. We're both middle management, make good money and have very little debt. Helped no doubt by neither of us having children.
Author longjohn Posted September 18, 2016 Author Posted September 18, 2016 TV was not accepted, it was a very nice gift but I couldn't accept something like that. I've never been given anything that expensive before by anyone. Every bit of what I have myself. The TV was a housewarming gift apparently. I'd just built a new place. If it were a rug or something maybe I'd have said thanks.
preraph Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 The two problems I see are, one, she is a little desperate. The other issue is if she isn't desperate, then she likes to throw money around and will expect you to do the same on the same level. I think you should tell her you can't accept a big gift like the TV, that you feel it's too much, but thanks for the thought.
Redhead14 Posted September 18, 2016 Posted September 18, 2016 (edited) I'm dating a lady that's about 10 years older than I. This isn't an issue for me at all and find it quite appealing vs some (not all are like this) younger ladies being distracted every 5 seconds by other guys, shiny things, their phone etc and no pressure on getting married and cranking out babies which is nice for once. So as the title suggests.. she keeps buying me things which is kind of weird to be honest as I've never had this happen before. Honestly usually what's happened before is I incurred most of the expenses. Here I am now looking at this massive TV this lady just bought me. I mean I'm ok with her buying dinner but when it comes to a giant TV I feel weird. I don't want her to feel rejected however at the same time I'm perfectly capable of buying these things myself. I have been up front with her since day one and told her I'm very independent. I've also indicated a number of times that I make about the same as she does. I'm thinking how best to handle this situation. She's trying to buy YOU . . . she's desperate . . . If a man were to be buying me expensive, over the top gifts early in a dating scenario, I'd thank him and turn the gift down and tell him I am moving on . . . If he feels rejected, he can watch his big screen TV and get over it. No one buys my love, they earn it by giving me more of themselves -- their respect, their time, their honesty and their heart. Edited September 19, 2016 by Redhead14
Author longjohn Posted September 22, 2016 Author Posted September 22, 2016 She's trying to buy YOU . . . she's desperate . . . If a man were to be buying me expensive, over the top gifts early in a dating scenario, I'd thank him and turn the gift down and tell him I am moving on . . . If he feels rejected, he can watch his big screen TV and get over it. No one buys my love, they earn it by giving me more of themselves -- their respect, their time, their honesty and their heart. That's possible however I have talked to her about her past relationships. It seems when she was married she said she'd pay bills, buy holidays etc. Said it made her feel like she was giving more to the relationship and she liked it. Of course she admitted when she realised she was being taken advantage of she stopped. I'm leaning towards this lady somehow gets a buzz from doing things for those she's with. I've been up front and honest with this lady from day one and told her I'm very independent. I take a level of pride in the fact I bought my own place, I bought my own car and can pay all my own bills. From speaking with her it's almost as if she expects men in general to be a certain way and I'm not fitting into what she expects in a good way according to her. However there's also a difference in culture as she's not originally from this part of the world.
Redhead14 Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 That's possible however I have talked to her about her past relationships. It seems when she was married she said she'd pay bills, buy holidays etc. Said it made her feel like she was giving more to the relationship and she liked it. Of course she admitted when she realised she was being taken advantage of she stopped. I'm leaning towards this lady somehow gets a buzz from doing things for those she's with. I've been up front and honest with this lady from day one and told her I'm very independent. I take a level of pride in the fact I bought my own place, I bought my own car and can pay all my own bills. From speaking with her it's almost as if she expects men in general to be a certain way and I'm not fitting into what she expects in a good way according to her. However there's also a difference in culture as she's not originally from this part of the world. Yeah, all that may be true, but it's entirely too soon to be doing that kind of thing. It would be ok if its little niceities, but TVs and things is over the top. It seems when she was married she said she'd pay bills, buy holidays etc. -- That's nice but she was married!! That's not a problem. Said it made her feel like she was giving more to the relationship -- Again, she was married, it's appropriate. Most people would rather the partner give more "of themselves" rather than monetary expenditures. And, did she make more than the husband? Was the husband a bum and she was supporting him? I'm leaning towards this lady somehow gets a buzz from doing things for those she's with. -- A buzz over doing nice things for people is one thing, she's over the top. When expensive gift giving happens early, it's a sign of low self-esteem most of the time.
Author longjohn Posted September 22, 2016 Author Posted September 22, 2016 Yeah, all that may be true, but it's entirely too soon to be doing that kind of thing. It would be ok if its little niceities, but TVs and things is over the top. It seems when she was married she said she'd pay bills, buy holidays etc. -- That's nice but she was married!! That's not a problem. Said it made her feel like she was giving more to the relationship -- Again, she was married, it's appropriate. Most people would rather the partner give more "of themselves" rather than monetary expenditures. And, did she make more than the husband? Was the husband a bum and she was supporting him? I'm leaning towards this lady somehow gets a buzz from doing things for those she's with. -- A buzz over doing nice things for people is one thing, she's over the top. When expensive gift giving happens early, it's a sign of low self-esteem most of the time. I agree, I had the same thought.. this is all well and fine if married or living together but not this early in. Maybe she feel's insecure and/or other issues at play that are currently unknown to me. Yes she makes an obscene amount vs her (then/now ex) husband. He worked and made decent money too. However according to her, her then husband had no money management skills if he had money he'd spend it all until it was gone then wouldn't know how to pay his electric bill. Actually she's told me he almost made her bankrupt due to his spending their (her) money.
Redhead14 Posted September 22, 2016 Posted September 22, 2016 I agree, I had the same thought.. this is all well and fine if married or living together but not this early in. Maybe she feel's insecure and/or other issues at play that are currently unknown to me. Yes she makes an obscene amount vs her (then/now ex) husband. He worked and made decent money too. However according to her, her then husband had no money management skills if he had money he'd spend it all until it was gone then wouldn't know how to pay his electric bill. Actually she's told me he almost made her bankrupt due to his spending their (her) money. Actually she's told me he almost made her bankrupt due to his spending their (her) money. -- I'd be willing to bet that she was the one who over did it and/or shared in the problem at least . . . her behavior and attitude now doesn't really "match up" with that experience . . . Anyway, tell her straight up that you don't want her to do that and that you'd rather that she show you her affection in ways that are more personal and thoughtful . . . bake your favorite pie, cook your favorite meal, make a CD of your favorite songs, give you a foot massage . . .
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