Question for OWs re: BS contact

[aileD]

I have a question for all you OWs.

 

Did the BS ever contact you and ask you to stop the affair?

 

If so, what was your reaction? Why did you continue the affair?

 

For now I'm gong to leave the MM responsibility to marriage out of it because I want to just know how you OW could continue knowing your actions were hurting someone else and WS was still with the BS.

 

What if BS came to you and said her children know and it's hurting them immensely and damaging their relationship with their dad?

 

I read story after story of "I'm a good person, I never intended to fall in love, I have a heart too" ....and yes you're human. So why didn't your human side come out when BS begged you to stop being the mistress?

 

If you really cared about MM and know his kids were being hurt....why didn't you think of them? Did you really CARE about his kids? Then why would you hurt them with your actions? Did you see them as real people?

 

Again. Yes I know it's WS responsibility to the marriage....I've explored that. I want to know the OW point of view.

 

Why didn't you just walk away when they didn't leave the BS?

[imperfectangel]

Are you a bs?

 

I've never had contact if she did ever call me I would tell her to speak to her husband

 

Of all the time I've been on LS I've never know this situation to happen tbh

 

Edited to add: who's pain is more important? To end an affair for whatever reason is extremely painful. Why would a ow be expected to put bs' pain first? Extreme example, do you feel guilty eating your dinner today when there starving children in the world? Do you feel bad you have a home when there's homeless people?

Edited September 10, 2016 by imperfectangel
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[cocorico]

I have a question for all you OWs.

 

Did the BS ever contact you and ask you to stop the affair?

 

If so, what was your reaction? Why did you continue the affair?

 

For now I'm gong to leave the MM responsibility to marriage out of it because I want to just know how you OW could continue knowing your actions were hurting someone else and WS was still with the BS.

 

What if BS came to you and said her children know and it's hurting them immensely and damaging their relationship with their dad?

 

I read story after story of "I'm a good person, I never intended to fall in love, I have a heart too" ....and yes you're human. So why didn't your human side come out when BS begged you to stop being the mistress?

 

If you really cared about MM and know his kids were being hurt....why didn't you think of them? Did you really CARE about his kids? Then why would you hurt them with your actions? Did you see them as real people?

 

Again. Yes I know it's WS responsibility to the marriage....I've explored that. I want to know the OW point of view.

 

Why didn't you just walk away when they didn't leave the BS?

 

I find this bizarre. Since when is it another woman's job to border patrol your marriage? If your own H - who made promises to you and professed to love you - wasn't prepared to end the A when you begged him, why should some other woman, who has no loyalty toward you, no love for you, no relationship with you? Would you end your M to him if she begged you? Why expect a higher standard for her than you are prepared to deliver, yourself? It makes no sense to me at all.

[Arieswoman]

aileD,

I've never heard of a BS pleading for the OW to give up their husband

 

I've heard of a couple of BS's giving the OW a smack in the mouth though and no, one of them wasn't me

 

I can't imagine a woman with any self respect doing such a thing.

[wmacbride]

Quite frankly, on ow who knowingly gets involved with a mm shows that she has no scruples in this area, and has no qualms about it, at least not ones that matter. They may feel bad, but it's not enough to make them stop.

 

if it didn't bother them enough to not get involved in the first place, why woudl it suddenly matter if the bs talks to them? They will twist their morals into gordian knots trying to make it okay

[Cymbeline]

aileD,

I've never heard of a BS pleading for the OW to give up their husband

 

I've heard of a couple of BS's giving the OW a smack in the mouth though and no, one of them wasn't me

 

I can't imagine a woman with any self respect doing such a thing.

 

A single OW I know became pregnant by her older boss to whom she was a secretary. He owned a successful business and property and he and his wife gave her some houses so she doesn't have to work and lives on the proceeds.

 

This was in the Middle East where laws can be , shall we say, sometimes flexible! And, officially at least, sex outside wedlock is illegal. ( it goes on but if attention is drawn, authorities will action the law)

 

So there was no legal comeback when the BW came across her in the supermarket and gave her two black eyes.

[MJJean]

The OW doesn't care about the BW and/or kids. Why should she? They're MM's problem. That simple.

[aileD]

So they're a whole bunch of heartless, selfish, women with no conscious?

 

All of them?

[Quiet Storms]

Would you end your M to him if she begged you? Why expect a higher standard for her than you are prepared to deliver, yourself? It makes no sense to me at all.

 

And this makes no sense to me.

 

Why expect a higher standard? Well perhaps because she is married to him and the OW is the third party inserted into the BS's marriage but never invited by her.

 

Having said that, if I had a husband and he refused to end an affair the only thing I would be asking of the OW is to please take him and with my blessings. And good riddance.

[mrs rubble]

I didn't know the scumbag had a partner (fiance even) but when I found out, I told her he'd been coming to my place for sex for the last 18months, and I also told her about the men he was picking up at gay bars. She didn't believe a word of it and married him, they have a kid together too now.

If my partner had done that to me and someone told me about it. I would find a way of proving the claims and dump him so fast he'd be spinning.

[MJJean]

So they're a whole bunch of heartless, selfish, women with no conscious?

 

All of them?

 

I wouldn't say heartless and without conscience. It's that any care they may feel is by far overwhelmed by their own wants and needs.

[Chica80]

Because people, OW who get into A are in pain. They are trying to fix and heal that pain.

 

This is a generalization of course...

 

Just like not all MM are narcissist who only want an A for sex.

 

But if the H would not stop the A after knowing the BS knows why would you then go to OW?

[imperfectangel]

I don't understand why people are referring to the ow as if the mm had no choice in the matter!

 

There would be no third party in the marriage if the mm didn't allow it. Yes I know OP addressed this in her post but you CANT take mm out of the equation. He is what makes the equation.

[elaine567]

So they're a whole bunch of heartless, selfish, women with no conscious?

 

All of them?

 

I think that I sort of "get", though I am not condoning, the "all's fair in love and war" concept and that "stealing" away a woman's husband, especially if that marriage was not very long, is perhaps just sticking to that concept.

I also kind of "get" that we only get one life and we need to seek happiness where we can too.

 

BUT I just do not "get" why any woman with a heart, would want to disrupt a family, by getting involved with a man who is the father of kids.

I do not accept the ducking of any responsibility displayed sometimes by some who place any "blame" solely on the shoulders of the MM.

Yes, they are his kids, but the OW IS being complicit in hurting them, so that does not get a pass in my book.

Breaking up marriages hurts and damages kids, I am not sure how some can just ignore that fact.

[imperfectangel]

Some children are happier when parents separate. I know my son is. If it is a bad marriage and they're constantly arguing etc that can be just as damaging.

 

Having separated parents will affect children's but not always in a negative way

[wmacbride]

So they're a whole bunch of heartless, selfish, women with no conscious?

 

All of them?

 

No, most ae not heartless or without a conscience. It's just that, during the A, the pain they might be helping to cause to others isn't enough of a factor to make them end the relationship. From what i can tell, for the most part, they are kind and caring people who try and ignore the heartache they are helping to cause.

[imperfectangel]

It's called compartmentalising. OW do it as well as MM, and/or dehumanise the wife

[OneLov]

Samuel Taylor Coleridge once stated that if a writer is able to meld "human interest and a semblance of truth" in creating a story, the reader would subconsciously suspend rational judgment concerning the plausibility and practically of the story told.

 

So being the OW invokes a willing suspension of disbelief. In other words, if the story is really good and in the interest of human emotion, a person will likely suspend logic and rationalism for the enjoyment of the narrative.

 

In hindsight, it's easy to analyze and apply logic retroactively to the situation. Yes, of course, she should run far, far away from the situation. But I think you have to believe that the majority of these women (and as irrational as it may seem in hindsight) had the naive belief that the primary relationship, at least according to the MM, was already over.

 

Also, OP, the question is a bit confusing. I think you would get a different answer under different circumstances. Not sure if the question was limited to a situation where MM made it clear it was over and the OW refuses to accept his decision or if the BS called out of the blue while the affair was still occurring and without the MM telling the OW it was over.

[Timshel]

Samuel Taylor Coleridge once stated that if a writer is able to meld "human interest and a semblance of truth" in creating a story, the reader would subconsciously suspend rational judgment concerning the plausibility and practically of the story told.

 

So being the OW invokes a willing suspension of disbelief. In other words, if the story is really good and in the interest of human emotion, a person will likely suspend logic and rationalism for the enjoyment of the narrative.

 

In hindsight, it's easy to analyze and apply logic retroactively to the situation. Yes, of course, she should run far, far away from the situation. But I think you have to believe that the majority of these women (and as irrational as it may seem in hindsight) had the naive belief that the primary relationship, at least according to the MM, was already over.

 

Also, OP, the question is a bit confusing. I think you would get a different answer under different circumstances. Not sure if the question was limited to a situation where MM made it clear it was over and the OW refuses to accept his decision or if the BS called out of the blue while the affair was still occurring and without the MM telling the OW it was over.

 

This begs the question, if a married man is engaged in an affair, would this be proof enough to the OW that the marriage is over...or at least, mortally wounded?

Why else would a married man have a relationship of love and passion outside his marriage?

A BS can come up with many reasons...but for the OW, his pursuit and involvement is evidence that the marriage is weak.

 

Therefore, a BS calling an OW would only reinforce this idea....that the BS has no pull with the MM and is desperately pleading for the OW to concede.

[Cymbeline]

Coleridge was of course a romantic. The movement which suggested that emotions and feelings should be followed and honoured, even if they were t always rational.

 

I don't think OW are usually heartless at all. Just the opposite in fact: I think they are most often romantic with a commensurate view of what love is. I also think naivety is often present, at least among younger or single OW. I think they are following their hearts and, understandably, using confirmation bias to create their narrative. I think they banish the wicked witch and her brood to the back of their minds - encouraged in this by the MM.

[Arieswoman]

Cymbeline,

 

I don't think OW are usually heartless at all. Just the opposite in fact: I think they are most often romantic with a commensurate view of what love is. I also think naivety is often present, at least among younger or single OW. I think they are following their hearts and, understandably, using confirmation bias to create their narrative. I think they banish the wicked witch and her brood to the back of their minds - encouraged in this by the MM.

 

I would agree with this ^^^ based on the girls I have known that were OWs.

 

Also ( and I can forsee some brickbats heading my way for the next comments ) they seem to have an outstanding ability for compartmentalisation coupled with an amazing capacity for self-delusion.

 

My exHs OW was engaged and apparently used to wear her engagement rings when on dates with him. She couldn't see how inappropriate it was. When challenged she said "It's only a ring".

 

Other OWs I have known seemed to be living in a romantic dream and made big plans about what would happen when they got together with their MM. The rest of us knew it wasn't going to happen, but if we said anything then we were the bad guys

[imperfectangel]

Cymbeline,

 

 

 

I would agree with this ^^^ based on the girls I have known that were OWs.

 

Also ( and I can forsee some brickbats heading my way for the next comments ) they seem to have an outstanding ability for compartmentalisation coupled with an amazing capacity for self-delusion.

 

My exHs OW was engaged and apparently used to wear her engagement rings when on dates with him. She couldn't see how inappropriate it was. When challenged she said "It's only a ring".

 

Other OWs I have known seemed to be living in a romantic dream and made big plans about what would happen when they got together with their MM. The rest of us knew it wasn't going to happen, but if we said anything then we were the bad guys

 

This was definately me. I convinced myself he would leave at some point. He always kept his ring on - so disrespectful. For some reason that made it worse for me yet confirmed what I'd thought the whole time. That he was unhappy and would leave.

[cocorico]

And this makes no sense to me.

 

Why expect a higher standard? Well perhaps because she is married to him and the OW is the third party inserted into the BS's marriage but never invited by her.

 

 

The OW is not "inserted" into the BS's M. She is in a separate R, which includes one party who happens to be in another R at the same time. But the Rs are separate. The BW is not in the OW's R and the OW is not in the BW's R. The MM just happens to be in both.

 

So she doesn't need an invitation from the BW. She only needs an invitation from the MM, who is he only one she had a R with.

[Quiet Storms]

The OW is not "inserted" into the BS's M. She is in a separate R, which includes one party who happens to be in another R at the same time. But the Rs are separate. The BW is not in the OW's R and the OW is not in the BW's R. The MM just happens to be in both.

 

So she doesn't need an invitation from the BW. She only needs an invitation from the MM, who is he only one she had a R with.

 

Sorry but I find this ludicrous.

 

Of course the OW is "inserted" in the marriage. Do you seriously see the OW as completely disconnected with the marriage? This guy is married. He's MARRIED! There is no "other relationship at the same time" when you take vows of marriage. Should the BS just say "oh he's in a separate relationship, has nothing to do with me"?

 

Honestly would you say that if your husband (or hypothetical husband if you don't have one) had an affair? That it was completely separate from you?

[Arieswoman]

cocorico #24,

 

The OW is not "inserted" into the BS's M. She is in a separate R, which includes one party who happens to be in another R at the same time. But the Rs are separate. The BW is not in the OW's R and the OW is not in the BW's R. The MM just happens to be in both.

 

I don't buy this either ^^

 

The OW was definitely in my marriage - I just didn't know about it

 

My exH told her all sorts of private stuff about our marriage, he betrayed confidences about my life, he broke confidences of all sorts about my family, he took her for weekends away in our car, he f****d her in our bed - in fact there wasn't one part of our marriage that she wasn't involved in.

 

I even found out later that she'd be blabbing private stuff about me at their workplace.

 

 

As a contrast I was cheated on many years later by BF who was still sleeping with his estranged wife and another woman.

None of us knew about each other - he kept these relationships separate - so although it was still cheating ( and I dumped him as soon as I found out) I didn't feel so violated.