waterbottleburden Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 I'm very insecure about this new relationship and it is making me unhappy and affecting my work sometimes. I'm not sure where the problem lies: it could be 1. There wasn't a 'break' between this relationship(1 month) and my last (2.5 years). My last relationship I ended it and I'm no longer attracted to my ex. My last relationship was very healthy, no argument only disagreement and it was all open communication. And I fully understand her. Now in the current relationship I do not know much about her, and she is very conservative. Even when she is unhappy about something she will tell me after a long time. She doesn't initial text, rarely show any affection, I feel like she only does when I'm backing away. Sometimes I don't feel she doesn't love me anymore. Is the problem my expectation? I was so used to being so connected with my partner, now all of the sudden i know so little about my new partner and it makes me feel insecure?? The problem is that I didn't take a break between relationships? 2. Could it not be expectation, but her lack of communication? But what if she is just shy and conservative? I'm usually really good at understanding my gf, but with this one I just cant tell how she feel and it makes me very insecure. I talked to her about it, she said she will try to understand and apologize for being immature. Also I'm sad every times our date ends, is that love or just insecure? I've dated three times, and I don't recall feeling like this. 1
Ami1uwant Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 After 1 month there isn't love. Over this month how many times have you been together??? Only having 3 dates is different that if you had 10 or more. Problem seems to lie with her snd her inexperience. 1
Author waterbottleburden Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 (edited) well we officially together for a month, but we been going out for 2 months. And every time we go out, we go for a whole day. We really enjoy each other company, that I can tell. Except sometimes she go quiet because of something she doesn't like (e.g. I accidentally mentioned my ex, which I didn't know she dislike until she told me recently. And she said it makes her very insecure) We went out at least 8 times if not more. We had a few chat at night that talk about deeper things. But when we are not together, we barely text (maybe this is the problem? Im so use to texting my ex-es)? I just dont know how she feels, whether she still likes me, I dont want to just ask her. While open communication is good, i feel like that will kill attraction and if she is conservative, it might scare her away? Also I dont know if she is unhappy about something either, cause she doesn't tell me these stuff. She told me something she likes about me, and that had to be thru a card and she felt like that was a secret, so I guess she is very conservative? Edited September 10, 2016 by waterbottleburden 1
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 (edited) 1. There wasn't a 'break' between this relationship(1 month) and my last (2.5 years). Sometimes when we jump from 1 relationship to another we think the second relationship is a continuity of the first. You cannot expect a connection and a knowledge of your new girlfriend the same you had with a 2.5 year girlfriend. This is what is happening here. Your new girlfriend is a type of band-aid. She makes you forget you should be mourning the end of your other relationship. Now in the current relationship I do not know much about her, and she is very conservative. Even when she is unhappy about something she will tell me after a long time. She doesn't initial text, rarely show any affection, I feel like she only does when I'm backing away. Sometimes I don't feel she doesn't love me anymore. Then don't date conservative non-affectionate girls. Dating is about finding someone compatible. If you don't appreciate the distance and the conservative ways than move on and find someone better suited to you. This is a 1 month relationship, the wheel won't stop turning because you let her go. Why would you keep someone in your life that don't show interest or affection? Also I'm sad every times our date ends, is that love or just insecure? I've dated three times, and I don't recall feeling like this. You dated 3 times but it was before your ex of 2.5 years.? You said you met her 1 month out of your relationship so those other dates couldn't be worthy of mention. You feel sad because when she leaves you are losing your 'band-aid' and you have to go back to being the man just out of a 2,5 year relationship that didn't take time to mourn. Edited September 10, 2016 by Gaeta 1
Author waterbottleburden Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 Yeah I thought about the mounting reason too, but I'm not entirely certain because there was no attraction between my ex n me for 6 month prior to the break up. I really like this girl because I never have so much fun and common interest with a girl before. This is why if possible I do not want to break up. Of course if this keep up I will have to since this is not the way to date someone, this is why I came here hoping to find the cause and maybe a solution 1
BaileyB Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 (edited) Not conservative, she sounds very shy and it sounds like she is not very good at communication. It could just be that she is nervous and hasn't opened up with you because it's a new relationship. Or, this could really be who she is - in which case, you need to decide if there is not enough communication/affection to make you truly happy. And, sad could be because you've enjoyed her company so much, you are sad to part. Or the sad feeling could be because you are looking for more from her, and it's just not there. Or, as Gaeta said, you could be feeling sad because you have just left a LTR and you are not ready for another relationship. You can not so quickly replace one with another. It's still really early for this relationship - you are still getting to know each other. It's not the same as your last long term relationship, and you shouldn't expect it to be the same. You can give it a bit more time - you will know if it's what makes you happy or not with more time. Edited September 10, 2016 by BaileyB 1
Author waterbottleburden Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 @BaileyB: I think you are right. Yeah she did tell me she is very shy, never dated before. She even told me herself that she is shy, but sometimes she doesn't seem that shy. Maybe I need to cool down, step back a bit and let the relationship run a bit more. Im moving too fast myself, and the balance in the relationship was lost. Guess the problem is both my expectation and her being shy? I guess another question i really need answer to is: Can you still be very social-able but shy??? I really need to know this 1
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Mourning a relationship is not only about losing someone we love, it's also mourning a change of life style, losing a security we found in the relationship (attraction or not), it's about losing having someone familiar, a safety net, it's about mourning her family we got close to, and the list goes on. Don't think because you were not attracted toward her anymore that there is nothing to mourn. I don't buy that she is not affectionate because of shyness. Why do you think we say love makes you grow wings? it's because when we are into someone would move mountains to be with them and that includes shyness. After 10 dates she cannot use shyness as an excuse anymore. You are not a stranger! Have you been intimate? 1
Author waterbottleburden Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 Hey gaete, u are right about mounting, i agree. Anyways yea we kiss and hug when we see each other. Cuddle, tickle and fool around in bed. Most of the time i have to initiate though. She isnt comfortable with touching her breasts n down there with my hands directly tho, she likes when i lick and kiss her neck and ears. I had sexual relationship with past relationship, im fine with taking it slow with this girl if she is conservative. (Are the stuff i typed consider inappropriate here?) 1
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Hey gaete, u are right about mounting, i agree. Anyways yea we kiss and hug when we see each other. Cuddle, tickle and fool around in bed. Most of the time i have to initiate though. She isnt comfortable with touching her breasts n down there with my hands directly tho, she likes when i lick and kiss her neck and ears. I had sexual relationship with past relationship, im fine with taking it slow with this girl if she is conservative. (Are the stuff i typed consider inappropriate here?) It's not inappropriate as long as she agrees to it. Would she be a virgin ? That would explain a lot of her behavior toward affection. 1
smackie9 Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Take it slow and stop your complaining! That's the only choice you have if you want to keep seeing her. 1
Author waterbottleburden Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 Yea she is definitely a virgin, she never kissed before either. Nor dated any1 before. O i thought it was a bit too descriptive for this forum 1
Author waterbottleburden Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 Oh no im not complaining, i just want to find a way for this to work, cause i rly like this girl. I just hope i didnt do anything wrong 1
smackie9 Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 (edited) She is a virgin/inexperienced, so ya it's gonna take a lot of patience and time. It has nothing to do with you, it's all her. Your opening sentence is " it is making me unhappy and affecting my work sometimes". If that isn't complaining I don't know what is....... It will be months before you will get sex out of her so have fun with that. Edited September 10, 2016 by smackie9 1
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Oh no im not complaining, i just want to find a way for this to work, cause i rly like this girl. I just hope i didnt do anything wrong I understand you really like this girl but you have to step aside yourself for a moment and think. She is a virgin (how old?) She is probably waiting for that special man for her first time, a man she may want to marry and have a family with her. Are you that man? you that just got out of a 2,5 relationship barely a couple of months ago. Ask yourself, can you honestly be her prince charming? Can you not deceive her? About you have a talk with her about her expectation? She may expect something from you that you are in no way able to deliver. 2
Author waterbottleburden Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 She is a virgin/inexperienced, so ya it's gonna take a lot of patience and time. It has nothing to do with you, it's all her. Your opening sentence is " it is making me unhappy and affecting my work sometimes". If that isn't complaining I don't know what is....... It will be months before you will get sex out of her so have fun with that. Yeah, but if I'm unhappy and not having a life, this relationship wont be able to sustain. Complaining to me is more just dashing out dissatisfactions, for me I posted this so I can get some advice and solutions and do my best to make this relationship work As for the sex, like I've said, I really don't care about it, I just enjoy being with her and going out.
Author waterbottleburden Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 I understand you really like this girl but you have to step aside yourself for a moment and think. She is a virgin (how old?) She is probably waiting for that special man for her first time, a man she may want to marry and have a family with her. Are you that man? you that just got out of a 2,5 relationship barely a couple of months ago. Ask yourself, can you honestly be her prince charming? Can you not deceive her? About you have a talk with her about her expectation? She may expect something from you that you are in no way able to deliver. hmm she is in her mid-20. What do you mean 'can I not deceive her', as in will I lie to her? I always wanted to talk to her about these stuff, she is very reserved, I've been trying to get to know her more, but it takes time i guess. You told me to step back and answer those questions, let's say I did on my own after some thinking, how does that have to do with this topic? (honest question, not being offensive or defensive)
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