2005tahoe Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 LS, I have a first OLD date this afternoon at a local coffee/dessert shop in downtown. We talked online yesterday and set something up for this afternoon as she has plans tonight with family. She has been asking questions online like what am I looking for? What my faith means to me? Why do I feel like I am still single? Why do I feel like my past relationships didn't work? Do I want a family? Ho do I feel about divorce and premarital sex? What brought me to my relationship with god? A few of you know my past dates and that I tried to hard to form a relationship, I just don't want this one to fail. What are some things to talk about so that it doesn't sound like a job interview? lol I don't want to look nervous or needy. any tips? My mind tells me to go with the flow but my nerves get the best of me and mostly the date senses the insecurities and nervousness. deep breaths!! 1
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 You have not met her yet and you don't want this to fail? Instead of going there with the mind 'I hope she likes me' why not go there with the mind 'I hope I like her'. Sound like most of the big questions have been answered already. Just go there and have fun! Show your frosty side ! Ask her what she likes doing on vacation, has she traveled, her favorite food and movies, etc. 3
BaileyB Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Those questions are pretty intense for a first date. You would be well within your right to tell her that you just want to have some fun, relax, and get to know her... Ask about her work, her family, ask about any activities she mentions. Talk about fun current events... Just try to lighten the mood a little and see if she can take your lead. I hate dates like this when it feels like a job interview. But, I will say that my current boyfriend was pretty serious on our first date. I almost didn't go out with him again... But, we went for a drink and he was so much more relaxed. I joked that I must have passed the "initial screening process..." The questions about faith would be most concerning to me. Only because, it sounds like it is quite important to her. If it's not equally important to you, it could become a problem in a relationship. Good luck to you! 4
BaileyB Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Agreed. The question you should be asking is "Do I like her enough to go out with her again?" Get to know her. That's what dating is all about... 3
Author 2005tahoe Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 Those questions are pretty intense for a first date. You would be well within your right to tell her that you just want to have some fun, relax, and get to know her... Ask about her work, her family, ask about any activities she mentions. Talk about fun current events... Just try to lighten the mood a little and see if she can take your lead. I hate dates like this when it feels like a job interview. But, I will say that my current boyfriend was pretty serious on our first date. I almost didn't go out with him again... But, we went for a drink and he was so much more relaxed. I joked that I must have passed the "initial screening process..." The questions about faith would be most concerning to me. Only because, it sounds like it is quite important to her. If it's not equally important to you, it could become a problem in a relationship. Good luck to you! We have the same outlook and background on religion, I have a feeling that some guys threw themselves at her and pushed too hard for sex and obviously pushed her away. I think that was a good first hurdle. 1
Author 2005tahoe Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 You have not met her yet and you don't want this to fail? Instead of going there with the mind 'I hope she likes me' why not go there with the mind 'I hope I like her'. Sound like most of the big questions have been answered already. Just go there and have fun! Show your frosty side ! Ask her what she likes doing on vacation, has she traveled, her favorite food and movies, etc. Good ideas, I tend to get nervous during first dates. But I will look at it your way, I hope I like her. While she answers I tend to think about the next question that I am going to ask and miss the answer, lol. that's a big fear. a Xanax would be good, lol
Ami1uwant Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 The questions about faith would be most concerning to me. Only because, it sounds like it is quite important to her. If it's not equally important to you, it could become a problem in a relationship. I don't interpret the faith question that way..... It was phrased in an unbiased way. In this area of the country you can find some who are very religious. She could be high on faith...IR she may not be all that religious. When asking questions on a date you really want yo phrase gremlin in an unbiased way so that you get answers that are honest and not "me too" responses who could be saying yes just to agree with you when they don't.
PogoStick Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 1. what am I looking for? 2. What my faith means to me? 3. Why do I feel like I am still single? 4. Why do I feel like my past relationships didn't work? 5. Do I want a family? 6. Ho do I feel about divorce and premarital sex? 7. What brought me to my relationship with god? 1. Someone who makes me smile whenever we see each other. 2. I don't believe in god. 3. Because my last girlfriend mysteriously disappeared 4. See #3 5. Yes it makes for a bigger welfare check. 6. I'm glad both are legal. 7. My big thinking monkey brain. Still want to go on that date? Actually, I don't. Those questions have me running the other way. 1
CarrieT Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Why do I feel like my past relationships didn't work? I hate this mind-set. As someone who has had a number of long-term relationships, I never looked upon any of them as failures or "not working," but simply part of the process in traveling through life. Different people come into one's life at different times for different reasons. My new husband of three years often laments we didn't meet when we were in our thirties. I have to remind him that I don't think he would have liked me when I was in my 30s and I doubt I would have been attracted to him. The boyfriends I had in my 20s, 30s, and 40s were perfect for who I was at that time of my life. Those relationships DID work but I grew and changed and the relationships did not or could not. Change your mindset, OP, about life as a whole. It is not so polarized as "working" and "not working" or "success" and "failure." Embrace the journey and do not become so myopically one-sighted on the destination. 2
Author 2005tahoe Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 I hate this mind-set. As someone who has had a number of long-term relationships, I never looked upon any of them as failures or "not working," but simply part of the process in traveling through life. Different people come into one's life at different times for different reasons. My new husband of three years often laments we didn't meet when we were in our thirties. I have to remind him that I don't think he would have liked me when I was in my 30s and I doubt I would have been attracted to him. The boyfriends I had in my 20s, 30s, and 40s were perfect for who I was at that time of my life. Those relationships DID work but I grew and changed and the relationships did not or could not. Change your mindset, OP, about life as a whole. It is not so polarized as "working" and "not working" or "success" and "failure." Embrace the journey and do not become so myopically one-sighted on the destination. I agree with you. My exwife cheated on me, I was honest with her about this. I have never had anyone in real life or OLD ask me the kind of questions that she did. Maybe she was gauging her interest on my answers. She must have gotten some of the answers that she was looking for In order to agree for a coffee date. I have learned from every relationship and date that I have been on.
Bialy Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 I'm sorry, but those questions she asked before the date are just too intense! Wow. I had a first date yesterday. We talked about where we grew up, our siblings, where we have been on vacation, recent movies we have seen, recent books we have read. We also talked about the area we met up in and its architecture and development. We also had some laughs from people-watching. The only *serious* question he asked was do I have any "goals" or "plans." It's too soon to answer that, so I just made some general comments about taking more mini trips around the USA, now that I'm settled with a stable job.
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 I'm sorry, but those questions she asked before the date are just too intense! Wow. I had a first date yesterday. We talked about where we grew up, our siblings, where we have been on vacation, recent movies we have seen, recent books we have read. We also talked about the area we met up in and its architecture and development. We also had some laughs from people-watching. The only *serious* question he asked was do I have any "goals" or "plans." It's too soon to answer that, so I just made some general comments about taking more mini trips around the USA, now that I'm settled with a stable job. I agree 100% with your approach but there are very conservative and religious people out there and it's better for them to put it forward right away. Remember the 40ish poster who didn't want sex before marriage and not even kissing...These people need to be loud and clear from the start, even before a first meeting. 3
Author 2005tahoe Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 I'm sorry, but those questions she asked before the date are just too intense! Wow. I had a first date yesterday. We talked about where we grew up, our siblings, where we have been on vacation, recent movies we have seen, recent books we have read. We also talked about the area we met up in and its architecture and development. We also had some laughs from people-watching. The only *serious* question he asked was do I have any "goals" or "plans." It's too soon to answer that, so I just made some general comments about taking more mini trips around the USA, now that I'm settled with a stable job. I kinda thought those were the question that should be asked. good advice, thank you! 1
Author 2005tahoe Posted September 10, 2016 Author Posted September 10, 2016 I agree 100% with your approach but there are very conservative and religious people out there and it's better for them to put it forward right away. Remember the 40ish poster who didn't want sex before marriage and not even kissing...These people need to be loud and clear from the start, even before a first meeting. its kind of comforting that she brought that up, im not going to say quickly, but its things that have to be talked about. Like the question: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Before I have read to much into that question but now I am honest about it, if the answer given is not liked or if its disagreed on then that wasn't the right person for me. 1
smackie9 Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Everyone has an agenda....some more serious than others. If someone is giving you 1001 questions obviously they don't want to be wasting anyone's time. Then there is the majority of us who prefer to just take it as it comes, enjoying the journey of getting to know someone. 2
BaileyB Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Yeah, I didn't mean anything by the comment about faith except to say it is one of those things where, if you are not on the same page, it can be a real problem. It's good that you have similar views OP. I can't blame her for wanting to ask early on if it is really important to her... I agree. Everyone has an agenda and there are always things you really want to know early on before you waste your time. But, I'm not sure that the first conversation or date is always the best time and place to ask ALL your serious questions... There are other ways to get the information that are not quite so off-putting... 1
LD1990 Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Two questions about religion and one about your thoughts on premarital sex? She might as well be waving a giant "I won't be putting out for at least 5 years" sign. For your sake I hope I'm wrong.
joseb Posted September 11, 2016 Posted September 11, 2016 Still want to go on that date? Actually, I don't. Those questions have me running the other way. Yeah honestly I think if someone asked me two or more of those questions I'd be saying no thanks. The question about the "failed" relationships is especially annoying. It's supposed to be a date, not the Spanish inquisition!
JanenotPlain Posted September 13, 2016 Posted September 13, 2016 My mind tells me to go with the flow but my nerves get the best of me and mostly the date senses the insecurities and nervousness. deep breaths!! Anyone would be nervous with those sort of questions. Dates should be fun! I know there's always a stress and nervousness built in but people don't need to add to it by making conversation so serious. I hate job interview type dates.
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