Isittolatenow Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 God. Where to start. This last few days have been tough. a fortnight ago a good friend (M/gay!) of mine ran into my ex at a bar. My ex asked my friend about me, & my friend (after a few drinks) lost his **** with my ex, (who I ended up hooking up with 3 weeks ago after bumping into him at the same bar & heard nothing since) and told him he was using me for sex. Friend said my ex had made it perfectly clear to everyone he didn't want me anymore & therefore he should just leave me alone to get over him. My ex told my friend he never expects anything from me, but he thinks I'm great and enjoys being with me. I messaged my ex that night asking what had happened, as I got a message from a different friend saying 'T (friend) and S (ex) had a huge argument about you tonight in xxx (bar)'. When my ex hadn't read my message the night after (or had, but not clicked on it). I Facebook messaged him & said 'I don't know what T said to you last night, just know it didn't come from me'. On the 2 weeks since, the message hasn't been read. I'm annoyed my friend got involved, but he's apologised and said that he's just fed up of my ex treating me like crap & getting away with it. All out other mutual friends said it needed to be said, but no one else wanted to get involved. It's been 14 days now since I sent that message. I'm doing ok not speaking to him, but I'm hurting. 10 years of friendship, 8 years in a relationship. Gone.
Zahara Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 It's a good thing. You've been struggling with NC for a long time and maybe this will help you move on. Your past threads are about this ex, yes?
smudge21 Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Sh*t like this will happen when there's mutual friends or you all live in the same location. With any info about an ex, it all ends up doing the same thing - setting us back. You need to ignore it and if people start to tell you stuff, ask them politely not to. If they're your friends, they should understand your pain and avoid this nonsense. You don't need to know about the ex. You need to just focus on you and your healing.
springy Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Exes will get away with whatever it is we allow them to get away with. If you/your friends feel he is mistreating you, cut him off and the mistreatment ends there. Your last thread indicated that you both agreed to hook up occasionally. Is this still the arrangement or did I misunderstand that thread? After reading through your other threads I'm not sure why you even give this man the time of day, let alone your body. If you continue to hook up with him although he has made it clear there is no real relationship I don't understand why everyone is mad at him? At least half of the "blame" lies with you for not cutting him out of your life. Maybe a lot has happened between your last thread and this one but it seems like you have been a willing participant in the ongoing drama. If you want to feel better, cut this man out of your life all the way. 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 4 months...it doesn't matter - the "relationship" is no longer beneficial for you so be done with him. You will never heal while maintaining this drama and hooking up with him. You will not be able to open yourself to someone new while you are still hanging onto the past. You gotta cut him out, like you would a tumor.
preraph Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Your friend told your ex something that made your ex mad, and it was probably not limited to how the ex treated you shoddily. Also, the friend may have led the ex to believe that he, the friend, has some relationship with you, and he may have taken it as get out of my territory. Don't know. I had something similar happen to me when I was young. I was dating a guy I was falling in love with and who was separated from his wife and in process of divorcing. One day I found out that a male buddy of mine (I'm female) who was best friends with a close male friend of mine that I worked with, had gotten aggressive with my date, and NEITHER one of them would ever tell me exactly what was said. They took up this code of silence about it. It drove me nuts. The only thing I was able to pry out of the date was one thing that was said was that I was used to dating rich guys, which wasn't the least bit true, but I was in a new town and I didn't really act like my country roots would indicate I should, so maybe that's why he thought that. Anyway, someone else getting involved like that, you don't know what the motivation. I'm sure my date thought the guy had an interest in me, but he was in love with the girl who he'd stay married to for life. The relationship there was his best friend who was married had a thing for me past friendship, which he didn't come out about until years later. So there may be something going on you're not privy to driving him interfering. Or maybe he's just a hot-headed drunk. I'm sorry your ex won't talk to you to let you know what's going on and what the guy said, and my final attempt would be "Look, I need to know what my so-called friends exactly said to you that made you mad at ME, so please at least tell me that."
DarrenB Posted September 10, 2016 Posted September 10, 2016 Having mutual friends is always a downside to wanting to rid of a terrible ex or R/S with someone. I know that definitely through experience lol... You never really know which side they're taking, realistically there shouldn't really be a side at all. Mainly if they are more or so your friend then they shouldn't be feeding you any information like this especially if they know you'll hurt and react badly. What I did in the meantime, whilst still getting over my ex is simply breaking off any contact with people that she knew more than I did, but who I thought would give me unnecessary information without my consent. I'd suggest you do the same. The less people you both know and contact on a regular basis, the less you'll have to hear about them in general. Ex's or the 'dumper' so to speak rarely give the 'dumpee' a full insight on what they have done wrong. Normally it's because they are the ones in the wrong and feel a sense of guilt. Move on with your life, forget about irrelevant people like this - the world doesn't revolve around you staying in contact with people who fundamentally only want to make your life worse whilst boosting their own ego's. Good luck!
sunandbutterflies Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 I am sorry to hear of your pain and the struggle that you are facing right now. I am sure that it is difficult not hearing from someone that you gave so much of yourself to. What if your friend was right? If you need someone to help you sort through and get through the struggle, there are some great resources available such as the Hope Line. I hope that helps.
heartbrokenlady Posted September 15, 2016 Posted September 15, 2016 I understand how hard it is to detach yourself from someone you've spent a huge chunk of your life with, when you love them so much. It is easy to say 'Just go NC.' But it is the hardest thing to do. Only you will know when you get to the point where you are able to do it. And even then, you will have times where you struggle.
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